I prayed and still do that if this is not right, if it is against God’s plan, for him to take it away. I had a friend that was bisexual and she told me that she prayed the same prayer and God took her love for women from her. I wondered if I wasn’t praying hard enough. I’m still not totally sure but I can agree with (Page 33-34 from wewerebaptizedtoo.doc). I do find it interesting that the majority of those that I would call my closest friends are bisexual. I have never felt the need or desire to look down on someone cause they were different.
I like the fact that “We Were Baptized, Too”-by Marilyn Bennett Alexander and James Preston, published by Westminster John Knox Press-uses scripture to back up it’s writer’s beliefs.
I wonder about my feelings because; even though I have always felt different, that something was missing, I didn’t really start noticing women, in a romantic way, until I was in my early twenties. My first crush-it started in primary school and it lasted into my high school years-was on a boy. Of course, the fact that I had been abused and I wasn’t at all popular much less liked in school and he was the only one that was nice to me and put up for me might have been a good reason as to why that was. I noticed some girls in that I thought they were pretty and I would have liked to look like them. In high school, I admired one girl because she didn’t let anyone tell her how she wanted to be. Even though she had no problems with being a woman, she wore a tie to school. I wanted to emulate her and wear a tie but my father wouldn’t let me. Now, I don’t know if this was, in my very naïve, dense sense of the world an attraction to certain women or if I am just trying to find something from my past to correlate to my feelings in the present. Even now, most of the people I end up being attracted to are guys, it is very rare that I find myself attracted to a women. I am not sure of why that is. I guess I am trying to fit into this mold of stereotypes of what makes a gay person. I often have to remind myself that labels are something that the world puts on me and they are very limiting. I would like to be either completely heterosexual or homosexual cause this whole attracted to both sexes thing can get extremely confusing.
I was never interested in men as sexual objects in the sense of which magazine do you like better: Playboy or Playgirl? I choose Playboy, and not for the articles. If my husband insisted upon a video, I didn’t watch it for them men. And, if it didn’t appear that the women were enjoying themselves, I lost all interest. If there were no scenes of women with women, I was bored. I don’t like pornography as a rule, I just can’t ignore the stirring I get in my heart and groin when I watch them. Don’t get me wrong, I am more interested in someone’s mind than his/her body. I think that is one of the reasons I first ended up marrying my husband.
I don’t know if I could go out with a woman for fear of displeasing God. But, if he doesn’t approve of this, why does he allow me to feel this way?
Many of you have asked if I think I am gay because I am having trouble with my husband. I have come to the realization, in the past few days since I was already thinking along these lines, that even if I were the straightest woman in the world-Oh, I just love me some man-I still wouldn’t stay with him. I’m still going to go to marriage counseling but I told him that I don’t think it will work because he is not going to change. I shouldn’t expect him to. He thinks I’m running away, but; after three years of the same arguments, the same complaints on both sides with no change, I am really tired of it. I was going through a period when I met him. All my boyfriends and my husband are people that society has thrown away; washed their hands of. They have no one that has ever just stood by them and was there for them no matter what, some not even their family, before I came along. I don’t want to make them sound bad, but basically, because of some choices they had made in the past; most people don’t want to believe in them. I was on this, “I can help them,” kick. But, here I am, twenty-nine years old, a mother, and not happy. There are a lot of things that I need to work on in my life besides this. This is just something that I am tired of ignoring. I feel a freedom that I don’t think I have ever felt. Not just in possibly leaving my husband, but also in no longer ignoring my feelings and now my quest into whether I am bisexual or completely gay. Also, I am greatly relieved that there are other people that feel exactly the same way I do: gay and Christian.
http://www.cathedralofhope.com/homosexuality/index.htm
http://www.lgcm.org.uk/
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/1184/
http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/9229/
http://communities.msn.com/TheRockMCC/
Not unlike gayday, Christians have a sense of radar directly intoned to their spirit. With this sense a Christian, who learns to be quiet and listen to is, can tell/feel when something is wrong or right. This is something I have come to the awareness of and gained understanding of quite recently. This is the reason I have always had trouble saying homosexuality is wrong. I used to say homosexuality is wrong because God is against it. I didn’t know anyone that was gay, and I only had the same, bias doctrine that had been drilled into my head that I have started to resent in the last ten years or so. Plus, I ignored my inner feelings or made reasons for why I felt that way. I was called a tomboy when I was growing up, I have always had better friendships with me, I was raised by predominately men-my mother died when I was 6-.
I experimented at one point-not sex, just caresses, completely innocent-and I really, really liked it. It wasn’t about sex. I enjoyed her touching me more than I ever have when a man touched me, even my husband. After this, I asked God to forgive me. And, I felt that if I didn’t do it again, God would not condemn me. Even then this felt wrong as the actions of a loving God but I always did, and I still do, believed that God works in mysterious ways. Who was I to question that? I tried to forget/ignore my feelings. Its been seven to eight years and they haven’t gone away; in fact, they’ve grown stronger.
I married a heterosexual man and told him that I was bisexual. He has asked me repeatedly if I want a ménage a trio. Of course, I turned him down. Cheating is cheating is cheating. Even when I wasn’t happy with him I did not cheat on him. Even when I wasn’t attracted to him, not wanting to sleep with him, I still did not cheat. I don’t sleep with him now because I want to, but when I just want sex. I am thinking, if I leave my husband I would start by dating other men to see if I can be happy with a man, if I can find one that treats me as I deserve, and if I find one that I like. But I would also like the opportunity to date women. If I ever have another long, committed relationship, be it marriage with a man or a women, I want it to be with someone I am sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I have already told my husband that I want to leave him. I told him that I’ll still go to marriage counseling. I told him that I don’t think it will work because he would have to change. I do not think he should change nor do I think I should change. We are just not right for each other. I felt such a freedom in telling him this and in the thought of not having to be tied to him for the rest of my life, not to be forced to be with him. He said he can change, that it was time for him to change and I cringed inside. The wings of freedom quickly turned into shackles of bondage. He really does love me. I don’t feel that he loves me because of the he treats me. Still, he doesn’t want to lose me.
I told him that I feel like a yo-yo. One day we’re getting along and everything is great, then the next day it’s horrible. I told him that I couldn’t live like this. He said there were things he didn’t like about me. I told him that he should be happy. If I leave him, he is free to find someone else, someone that will love him the way that he is. He said he doesn’t want someone else he wants me.
If we do break up, I want to remain friends with him. We started out as friends. He’s not a bad guy, just not someone I should be married to. We have a lot in common, and he has a very healthy respect for homosexuality. He might not fully understand it, neither do I, but I am proud of him for that.
I don’t know where to look for someone to possibly have a healthy relationship with. I am not a club person.