Pick Up Lines: Restricted

- These are rated by their hilariousness. Course launguage and intolerable content.

Hey baby, why don't you come sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up. *****

If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me. Please? ****

Do you know the difference between my penis and a chicken leg? No? Well, let's go on a picnic and find out. ****

That shirt looks very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you, I'd be coming too.****

That dress looks nice. Of course, it'd look even better crumpled up in the corner.***

Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket?  Because I keep seeing myself in your pants.***

Your name is Sandra, huh?  Can I call you Sandy?  Really, what time? ***

My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Are you gonna be on it or not?****

Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't you name Gretchen?*****

Do you have any Italian in you?  Would you like some?*****

Do you sleep on your front?  Do you mind if I do?****

If you and I were squirrels, could I put a nut in your hole?****

Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? No? So, you want to go somewhere and talk?***

That's a nice shirt. Could I talk you out of it?***

[Female at the copy machine] Reproducing, eh?  Mind if I help?***

That dress looks great on you. As a matter of fact, so would I.***

Hi, I'm conducting a feel test to see how many women here have pierced nipples.***

I love every bone in your body. Especially mine.*****

You know, I never was to good at math. Like if I put you and I together I'd get 69.*****

You have pretty eyeballs. Of course they'd be better if they were eyeing my pretty balls.***

You know the more I drink the prettier you get.**

You're good at math right?  Is 69 a perfect square?****

Was your father a farmer? Because you sure have grown some nice melons!***

Hey, here's the word for the day: LEGS.  Whadya say we go upstairs and spread the word?*****

Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.****

Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs.***

Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between the two of us.*****

Hey Baby! Wanna go get some pizza and screw? What you don't like pizza?***

Girl(to passing man): Do you have the time?
Him:  Do you have energy?****

You know, I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.****

You know, you've got the prettiest teeth I've ever dreamed of coming on.*****

Why don't you surprise your roommate/parents and not go home tonight?***

My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off your blouse in a public place.*****

I know a great way to burn off the calories from that pastry you just ate.*****

Was your father a mechanic?  Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?****

Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears?  (Pull you pockets inside out...) Would you like to?***

If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.*****

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.*****

Hey baby, wanna play carnival?  That's where you sit on my face and I guess your age and weight.****

You:  Tickle your ass with a feather?
Her:  What!?
You: I said, "Particularly nice weather."****

Hey baby, wanna play train conductor?  OK, you sit on my face and I'll Chew Chew Chew.*****

Hey baby, wanna play lion?  Okay, you go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat.****

Oh, you're a bird watcher. (Whip out your unit and ask) Well, would you take this for a swallow?****

Stand back, I'm a police officer!  You go call for backup and I'll frisk her!***

Stand back, I'm a doctor!  You go get the ambulance and I'll loosen her clothes.***

Hey baby, whatdya say we go behind that rock and get a little boulder.***

Would you be my love buffet?  So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want.*****

Let's go back to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.*****

My name is ( BOB ).  Just remember that, so you'll know what to scream.*****

Your daddy must have been a baker, cuz you sure have a nice set of buns!***

(Checking her shirt tag) Just making sure you were the right size!***

I miss my teddy bear.  Would you sleep with me?***

Pardon me, I was just about to go home and masturbate, and I was wondering if you would mind if I fantasized about you?*****

Hey baby, wanna lock crotches and exchange gravy?*****

Would you like Gin and platonic, or would you prefer Scotch and sofa?***

Excuse me, do you live around here often?*****

I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.****

I've got an itch honey.  Lower.  Lower.  In. Out.*****

I'm on fire baby, can I run through your sprinkler?****

Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?*****

Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?***

If I follow you home will you keep me?***

[Go up to a girl and tell her she has nice legs. Then ask would she mind if you named them.  She says okay and you say this one is Thanksgiving  and that one is Christmas. Then say, Would you mind if I visited between the holidays?]*****

Hi.  I suffer from amnesia.  Do I come here often?****

Want to come see my HARD DRIVE?  I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.*****

Are those space pants?  Cuz your ass is out of this world.****

You:  Hi, wanna screw?
Her: NO!
You:  Mind lying down, while I have one?****

Hi, my name is "Milk." And I'll do your body good.*****

Excuse me, ma'am, is that dress felt?  Would you like it to be?*****

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor... what say we tie up for the night.*****

I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?****

[Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"]*****

The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor.*****

What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.*****

Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours.*****

Are you going to the party tonight (what party?) The one in your mouth, everybody's cumming. *****

I know where ther is a good party, they've got liquor in the front and poker in the rear. *****

I'd rip out both my eyes just so you have more holes to screw me in .*****

Person #1: hey, you wanna do a 68?
Person #2: What?
Person #1: You go down, and I'll owe you one.****

Scientists have determined that the average time for intercourse is four minutes. The average number of strokes per minute is nine, and since the average length of thepenis is six inches, the average female received two hundred and sixteen inches or fifteen feet per intercourse. Three times per week, fifty two weeks in a year, so, 150 times 18 makes 2700 feet, or just over a mile and a half. If you are not getting your mile and a half, why not let me help out? ***

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. *****