Notes: Sequel to “First Kiss,” from Raven’s POV.
Are you weary as water
In a faucet left dripping
With an incessant sadness?
--Ani Difranco
It is another cold night. Even within the walls of my room, I feel chilled.
Or perhaps that is not a result of the weather. I have been cold since Alaska, as if the snow had seeped into my bones and stayed there, refusing to melt under the heat of any furnace or sun. But I am trying very hard not to think about Alaska, and what happened there. My life is complicated enough now; I do not need the earth to shatter under my feet again.
How can everything have changed because of something so simple?
It has been a subject of my meditations. Unfortunately, my meditations of late have been less than fruitless; indeed, often frustrating. I am unable to purge myself of emotion enough to achieve clarity. For one such as myself, there can be no greater failure. Instead of true peace, I manage only to disguise. Every day I layer myself with that veneer of ice that keeps the others, my teammates and my friends, so consummately fooled. After all this time, they know so little of me. I thought that was what I wanted. Now I do not know what I want.
No, that isn’t true. But I do not wish to face my truths tonight. So I settle back down onto my meditation mat, close my eyes; and my spirit goes walking.
I stretch my senses first throughout the Tower. It is mostly empty. I am the only one, I think, who maintains a regular residence here, though the others all have rooms. I am surprised to find anyone here at all. But the spirit I touch has a signature that is by now almost as familiar as my own…
Wallace.
What is he doing here? I thought he would certainly be with his family, home in Blue Valley. They mean so much to him. I was certain he would turn to them in this time of indecision. For he is struggling with something; even if I were not empathic, I would know that. I believe…I believe he wishes to leave the Titans. I hope he does. It would be the best thing for him – and, if I am being honest, the most comfortable thing for me.
I know that he loves me, or that he thinks he does. I never asked for it. It is true that I used a compulsion to make him love me in the beginning, so that he would join the Titans, and I deserve to burn in hell for such a transgression – but when I removed it, he continued to profess his feelings. I was at first intrigued, then bewildered and finally, if I am to be honest with myself, irritated. Could he not see that I allowed myself no emotions, and that by wearing me down he only brought himself into peril? Did he not understand the danger he quite literally flirted with? I tried time and again to explain this to him. He would not listen. Wallace is not good at listening.
Of course his infatuation could not last. When Phobia possessed my mind, and made me attack him, I could feel the horror growing in his soul. It is amazing how quickly love can change to hate. The two emotions are indeed kin, as so many poets have said. It was a…most regrettable incident; I cannot love Wallace, but I would not have harmed him for anything in the world. If nothing else, he was a friend, and I have so few friends. But it is for the best if he is indeed leaving the Titans (leaving me) to concentrate on his schoolwork (to forget what I have done to him).
I have hurt him so much…
The pain that wells in me is familiar, but unwelcome nevertheless. I can no longer bear to observe Wallace. Where are the others? Where have my friends gone, as they attempt to lead their normal lives? Garfield is at home, I think he said, with Tara. That concerns me, as does she. I cannot explain my feelings, but I do not trust this latest addition to our team. My limited prescience tells me that disaster will follow Terra wherever she goes; yet how can I accuse her, when I am in such turmoil myself?
I am also adept at the art of self-deception. Of all the members of my team, my ‘family,’ such as it is, there is only one I truly care to find. But I must not seek out Koriand’r. It would be the worst kind of stupidity. It would be…
She is at home. With Richard.
I am a fool. It is not only stupidity, it is self-torture. But somehow over the last months a link has formed between us – stronger than the tenuous link I have to Wallace, perhaps even as strong as the one I share with my absent mother. I can locate Koriand’r easily whenever I wish, something I can accomplish with no other Titan. Thus, it is almost without my volition that my spirit finds the sweet tendrils of hers, entwines with them, floats with them back to her apartment where she…is with him.
It is late. I should have expected this; they are making love. I cannot see anything, since I do not dare send my soul-self, but I can feel her emotions dimly through this thrice-damned link. The physical pleasure she feels in the act, something I have never even dreamed of experiencing; and the emotional emptiness, something I know all too well. They are coming to a close – there – almost – they are done.
I do not move closer to her mind. I have no wish to discover how Richard feels, panting in her arms. But I can sense her yearning, her deep need for love. This is the part she has been looking forward to. The part where he will hold her close and sleep by her side.
Oh, how can I stay and watch this? I am only an intruder. Neither of them would welcome me, if they knew of my presence. And yet, Koriand’r is so…alone. I do not wish to leave her this way. I can be here with her, even if she is unaware of it, even as I try not to drown in my sudden, intense hatred of Richard Grayson.
There! That is the danger. Koriand’r has done what Wallace could never do. Around her, due to her effortless love and warmth, I feel. And I cannot help reacting to those feelings. Right now, all I can feel is my violent resentment of Richard, who holds her in his arms. I will withdraw. Just as soon as I feel her begin to be happy, I will go.
…What? I do not understand. Her desolation has increased. I must know more. I move in closer to her, and for a moment I think I will be intoxicated by the nearness of her shining spirit. But soon I know what is happening: Richard is leaving her. He cannot stay. I am certain that he has work with the Batman, or elsewhere, and that he is explaining it to her, but she cannot possibly be expected to understand.
He is a fool! The most stupid, dangerous kind of fool! How could he hold this woman and then let her go? Is he not aware that day by day, as he withdraws from her, he is losing her? She is Tamaranean, not Terran. She lives by her emotions, and, poor girl, she loves him. Richard deserves to be punished for this crime. I can think of nothing more fitting than losing the love of Koriand’r of Tamaran. Surely nothing worse could happen to him.
He is gone. She is weeping. I cannot allow this! I am an empath; it is not within me to permit another creature to suffer, especially not a creature I…care for…such as her. I must go to her; it is an imperative I cannot ignore any more than I can stop breathing. So gently, so very gently, I reach out into her bright, tender mind and soothe her grief away, lull her into a healing sleep.
Then I teleport into her apartment.
My eyes take a moment to adjust to the shadows, and when they do I must stifle a gasp. Koriand’r is naked, sprawled on the top of the sheets, unconcerned by the cold outside, protected as she is in this well-heated apartment. My mouth goes dry; an odd reaction. Perhaps it is too warm in here. I find myself unduly fascinated by the massive amount of her cinnabar hair, floating as it does across the bed and her body.
This woman kissed me. Not a week ago, she held me so close that I could smell her, and she kissed me. I could, of course, feel her emotions. She was grateful to me for saving her, and affectionate; I felt that affection warming me as nothing has ever done in my life. She believed she was doing me a favor; giving me a gift.
Is this how it felt to Wallace? To be lured with a prize unimaginable, only to discover it was a sham, a cheat? I did that to him. I did. And with one brush of her lips, Koriand’r showed me my own cruelty. She unveiled a yearning that has been growing in me perhaps since I first sensed her existence across the galaxy. By loving me without fear, as no one else has ever done, by kissing me, by holding me, by being concerned about me when no one else even thinks to ask –-
What about Raven?
Is she all right?
Where is she?
Raven, can I help you?
-- she has defeated me utterly. Koriand’r. My poor, sweet child of the stars. Do you know it is within me to give you everything you desire? Say the word; if I gave in to my darker side, and unleashed my true power, the Citadel you so fear would be destroyed in an instant. You would be seated on the throne of Tamaran; no, I could give you more than that, I could give you the rule of all Vega and beyond. And I would be beside you, Trigon’s daughter, ruler of all and utter slave to your whim.
That, I am sure, is a temptation of power that never occurred to Azar while she was teaching me.
Koriand’r suddenly makes a small mew of distress and twists on the sheets, perhaps in response to my dark thoughts. Heedless of the danger to my peace of mind, I move quickly to her bedside and, calming myself, stroke a hand lightly across her golden forehead. She relaxes and smiles. How tempting it is to remove the sleep from her, to see her impossibly green eyes open and grow clear as she recognizes me. But what in Azar’s name would happen after that?
Of course, it doesn’t matter. I cannot stay here. Not like this. Wallace may be leaving the Titans; I will follow his example. Beautiful, innocent Koriand’r poses a greater threat to me than all of Trigon’s legions combined. And the danger is not only that she might unleash my inner demons; quite simply, she might hurt me. Selfish and cowardly as I am, that seems to me to be far worse. I could not bear to finally allow myself to open up, and then to be hurt so. I have felt the anguish rejection has caused others, including Wallace. I have no wish to feel it myself. So I will go.
Where? I have no idea. I can never return to Azarath. Nor can I go to my mother, who is engaged in continual battle with Trigon. Perhaps I will find some primitive planet somewhere in need of a healer. I do not know. But first I must seek solitude, so that I can lock myself up again and kill this warm, seductive thing that has begun to grow inside me – I, who swore never to kill.
I sit here beside Koriand’r, unable to take my eyes off her round face, her long arms and legs, her full breasts. I must look my fill. It will be one of the last times I ever see her, I am sure. Will my leaving hurt her? Perhaps momentarily. But she will soon forget me, as I know I can never forget her. I hope that Richard comes to his senses and that they will be happy together. I will never have her, so he might as well.
I do not stir the whole night through. She sleeps so peacefully under my care. Perhaps this is what I was born for, to keep her warm and safe, only this; it would be enough. But I fear I am not so lucky. To remain by her side, as my control over myself and my powers weakens, would be only to doom her. It was terrible enough when I hurt Wallace. I lost my mind for a bit. If I hurt Koriand’r like that…I know myself well enough to realize I would never survive it. This is for the best. If I tell myself that enough times, I will soon believe it.
Morning comes. Donna will soon return from her rendezvous with Terry Long, and my presence here would raise questions from both women I would prefer not to answer. Already Donna looks at me with a knowing expression in her eyes…I cannot bear this. I cannot do it. I will never see her again, Azar protect me…Azar! Did you foresee that your teachings would fail so utterly? How can I leave…but I must leave.
There are footsteps at the door and, at this range, I can sense Donna’s presence. Any second now she will unlock the door to the apartment. Perhaps she will stop by Koriand’r’s room to say hello. I must go, and prepare myself for what I shall say to my fellow Titans at our next meeting. For how I shall say goodbye.
I touch Koriand’r again, because I cannot help myself, and feel the unwelcome, unaccustomed upwelling of emotion in my breast. I can hear my own voice, to my shock, murmuring brokenly to her of sorrow and of…love. Love, the word, has passed my lips. At once I teleport away, horrified.
Back in my own room, I stare blindly out of my window and breathe deeply.
The Titans meet tomorrow.
I must be ready by then.
End