The Unnamed

Animorphs: The Unnamed

___________________________________

They told me
That you were coming back
And this moment was the one that I'd been waiting for
And my heart, well, it broke just like that
'Cause I didn't know what I wanted anymore......

___________________________________

My name is Xana.
I am about to die.
With that last sentence I smile; I sound like the old echo of
Elfangor. Of course, I was too angry at the time to hear him record
his hirac delest, but I do remember.
I was angry then, and that anger still burns in me now.
My anger led to guilt. Guilt is an emotion hard to lose, and my life
has been full of it. But I'll still tell my story, and whether people
think that my guilt is deserved or not, I won't care.
This is the death statement of Xana. I go willingly.
All I ask is that someone listens quietly to my statement of truth.
There are people who will need to know the truth.
My miene, and so many others... I am sorry. I'll say that now.
I never said it before, but.... Pride isn't anything when you're
a corpse.
I'm sorry.......

It was warm and dark, and I was nourished by another presence.
I floated, unaware of who or what I was, for years until I felt a
gentle nudging to my thoughts. Slowly, over a long period of time,
I awoke.
Can you imagine what it is to be blind and then see? The amazement of
looking out your eyes and seeing colors? The world was full of
movement. Full of light. Full of noises and things I had never even
dreamt were there.
I was Elfangor-Sirinal-Shamtul, I was sure of that, as wave after
wave of information assailed my thoughts. We were so closely
intertwined that I was his thoughts and his were mine. I was some
part of his consciousness. I was his guidance. But, or so I thought,
I was him.
My childish naiveté was short-lived. Why wasn't I moving the body that
carried me? Why was there another presence that controlled everything
around me? Surely I was one being. Surely we were one.
I started using 'we' instead of 'I'. The first seed of doubt had been
planted, but stubbornly I went on with my old ways. I loved Elfangor;
his body had nourished mine, so he had been like a mother to me. But
we were so much closer than that.
I was not a parasite! Any thoughts like that should be quelled
immediately. I asked nothing of Elfangor's body except that his
presence strangely nourish mine. I had no body, I was simply a spirit.
His pain was mine.
Because I would not speak to Elfangor directly, I spoke to him in
dreams.
<Who are you?> He asked.
I answered in the language I had used to guide him all my life.
_Jai...Jai... jio thelas._ (I... I do not know.)
I know that language! I know you! Who are you? He asked again,
confused. Who was this stranger speaking to him from inside his very
thoughts? He was still very young. He didn't know anything about the
world.
_Miene jaie._ (Your heart.)
He quieted. Are you my guide? Andalites are hot on having guidance.
That's why so many guardians pop up in their myths.
Guide? A guide? Was that who I was? Elfangor's guardian?
Gently, I touched his mind. _Miene jai. Mien jaion._
(I am your heart. You are mine.)
Being still very young, he accepted this fact that his dream
liked him and was his guide. After all, I was only a dream.
A very strange dream, but a dream. To him, I was miene. I don't know
why my child-language was so strange; mien and miene had the same
meaning, but were used differently for males or females. Not that I
had known what the 'male' or 'female' was, but I knew that Elfangor
and I were different in some strange, subtle way.
I spoke to him through his dreams. As he got older, I did it less
frequently. Instead, I guided him when he was conscious, but never as
a different presence; just as his own.
Have you ever had that little voice in your head that tells you to do
something? That's what I was. That's what I am now, I suppose,
although I'm far more forceful in this day.
I guided Elfangor when he went to the Taxxon homeworld.
I cried his tears for Arbron. I felt his feelings for Loren.
I did not share them.
I heartily disapproved of Loren. She wasn't anything big. Oh, so she
had been taken thousands of miles from her homeworld, was scared out
of her mind and had still been able to fight against a race that
would have crushed her. So what? I didn't want ANYONE getting
close to Elfangor the way she was. She didn't even have a tail!
I was utterly and totally jealous. That, or I thought that nobody was
good enough for Elfangor.
Well, I reasoned with myself, soon you'll be back on the
StarSword and she'll be back on Earth. Sure, Elfangor might miss her,
but he'll forget her in due time.

Oh, how wrong that turned out to be.

I watched with sick fascination through Elfangor's eyes as we
battled Visser Three. I felt some grudging affection for Loren as she
rescued us. I still didn't like her.
Then, we touched the Time Matrix to go to Earth.
I felt a familiar voice in my very senses.
_Who are you?_ I asked the invading party.
_You must now guide Elfangor,_ the voice said, ignoring me.
_There is much you two have to do together._
_How can I guard him? I have no weapons. I cannot travel anywhere.
I'm locked inside him!_
Then, like an animal being lifted from the jaws of a predator,
I felt a kind of loosening. I suddenly felt that if I didn't hold on
tight, I'd float away. _What have you done?!_ I yelled, outraged.
_You wanted this._
_I didn't want to be separated! Put me back!_
_You are still bonded with him. And now you can freely bond with
others._
_I don't want to. Undo what you've just done, you... you...._
I realized I had no idea who was doing this to me. _Who are you?_
I 'heard' a gentle smile in my head.
_I still can't protect him,_ I said sullenly.
_You can protect him mentally. Isn't that the one thing that matters
most?_
I heard a pop and I was suddenly out of Elfangor.
I could taste the air around me with my formless vapor, and I knew
I was in a space that was totally vast. I felt a presence in front
of me.
DO YOU SWEAR TO PROTECT UNTIL YOU NO LONGER CAN?
<Yes,> I said, surprised at my soundless voice.
THEN DO SO. YOU ALREADY HAD TWO FORMS. ONE WAS ELFANGOR,
AND THE OTHER THIS SPIRIT. BUT I WILL LET YOU USE THE BODY THAT NEVER
WAS.
Suddenly, I could see. A grey cloud of small cells built up through
space to form a glob of flesh and bone. Then they twisted themselves
around to become a strange figure.
It's only got two legs! And no tail!
OH, IT HAS OTHER ABILITIES. IN TIME, YOU WILL DISCOVER THEM.
Then I didn't hear the voice anymore.
Suitably bemused, I turned back to Elfangor. We were on a strange
planet, so Elfangor took on a strange shape. Do you know how many
strange hormones human males have floating around in their blood?
I can't believe that Elfangor actually managed to walk around
properly. But then again, he had my help.
I began speaking to him normally during the day. Surprisingly enough,
he accepted my presence as something real. His life was insane enough
already, so why not just accept this little thing?
I admitted to myself that Elfangor and Loren would probably be
together forever, so I had a talk with my mien a few weeks before he
proposed to her. He had been thinking about marrying her for a long
time. I thought it was stupid. Why did he have to work himself up to
ask Loren a silly little thing? They already knew that they would be
together, and she loved him enough, so what was the problem?
<Well, it's not that I'm scared, miene->
_Oh, no, Elfangor. You just freeze all over whenever you think about
it. Why can't you just ask her normally instead of putting all this
stupidity into the issue?_
<Well, it's just a human thing to do. If she didn't think I loved her
enough to be nervous about asking her to marry me->
_Oh, come on, mien!_ I laughed. _Like she'll refuse._
An embarrassed silence followed this.
_Well, anyway, dear one, I need to talk to your Loren.
If she's going to be with you the rest of your life,
I'd better talk to her._
<How can you do that?>
I had refrained from telling Elfangor about the strange voice.
He'd just get worried. I knew everything about him, but if I
tried hard enough, I could prevent him knowing about it. But it was
hard! Have you ever tried keeping a secret from the person you live
with, day in, day out?
_I can leave you, you know. Just promise me you won't do anything
stupid whilst I'm away._
<Miene! I think I can look after myself!>
I grinned at him childishly from inside him. _Of course you can't.
That's why you're marrying Loren. At least she has sense._
It was the next day that he met up with Loren for lunch. Although
I was okay with Loren and Elfangor now, the dopey looks they gave
each other still made me roll my eyes. You have to understand I was
a child. Well, an old, experienced child, but it was still sick to me.

I left Elfangor just for a few seconds, but it hurt! Not only did
I miss him terribly, but I could feel things passing through me.
Every atom of air. Everything in the air. Have you any idea how
painful that is?
I went into Loren's unfamiliar mind. After her initial shock,
she gradually accepted me.
She gave me wonderful insights on human culture. That, and
I discovered with relief, females have more subtle hormones inside
their bodies. I figured that most females were the same, human or
Andalite, so being a female would be easier on me.
Any female today can quickly kill that notion.
<Hey, are you going to be my guardian too, Miene?> Loren asked
awkwardly. She seemed to think that 'Miene' was my name, not the way
Elfangor addressed me.
I hadn't thought about this. _I.. I think so. Elfangor would like
me to, probably. There isn't really any real danger on Earth, but
you still need my protection._
<Poor Miene!> Loren smiled. <You sound so serious.> She then stopped,
thinking.
_Actually, I'm only very young,_ I answered her unspoken question.
_I haven't aged since I was born._
<Lucky,> Loren joked and that sealed our relationship.
I loved Loren and Elfangor both dearly. Although I preferred guarding
Elfangor, I would spend time with Loren. The only time I wasn't with
either was when they got married. I was a total prude, and whenever
they started acting like newlyweds, I quickly escaped through the
wall, into the forest to wander around aimlessly.
I discovered that I had a physical body, just like the voice had said.
When I first tried to use it though, I discovered it was a disgusting
glob of flesh and muscle.
<Aagh! Aagh!> I cried. Then, trying to calm myself down, I tried to
shape myself. Human, I silently commanded. I wanted agility. I didn't
need a tail. I needed strength.
When I had finished, I stared at the body in fascination. I had
screwed up somewhere, though. The body was totally devoid of hair,
except for little patches above my eyes. At least I had gotten that
right. The limbs weren't like Loren's limbs. Too many joints in the
legs. Too many bones in the arms.
I walked over to a tree- and promptly fell down. I was, in mind, a
toddler still. I taught myself how to walk, how to jump, and all the
other childish things I should have already known.
When I had been practicing for those long weeks, I discovered a black
fuzz on top of my head. Hair! And looking down into a smooth forest
pool, my eyebrows darkened to black.
I squinted. My eyes were piercingly grey. No, not grey; silver. And no
nails on my tapered fingers or toes. But, in a pinch, I could pass for
human.
I went back to Elfangor. Him, Loren and me were disgustingly happy
until the day we pulled up and went into the house to discover a
man in our living room.
That stranger! The voice!
As Elfangor listened to the man in horror, he gathered his wits about
him when told he had to leave. <Go, miene. Go to Loren!>
_I won't leave you, dear one._
<Go! Please! Something... something will happen....>
_NO! I'm staying with you. She's having her memory erased, remember?
And this Ellimist can't separate us!_
Elfangor quieted and listened to the Ellimist gravely. The Ellimist
showed us the pattern of lines that was the universe. Loren's child-
I had been suspecting she was pregnant, but wasn't sure - was joined
by five other lines.
Then the Ellimist seemed to look at me and block out Elfangor. A thin,
shining line raced up past all the other lines, twisted around
Elfangor's and Loren's, then broke off. It grew stronger and proceeded
to spiral around the other six. His presence looked at me gravely and
nodded. I didn't understand any of it. I'd be with Elfangor until he
died. If I was in his mind when the brain patterns stopped, I was dead
with him.

But it wasn't so.

After a ground battle Elfangor had taken part in, I decided something.
I couldn't protect him. My only weapon was my strength, and even then,
I only had a short burst. Then, I fell to the ground, exhausted.
I needed something. Something powerful.
I slipped out of Elfangor whilst he was sleeping and picked up the
sky-blue Escafil box all Princes were issued with. <Elfangor!>
I commanded silently to him.
He opened a bleary stalk eye. I pressed the box to his hand.
<Loren?> he asked silently in a daze.
My heart broke when I heard him say that. Then I steeled myself.
<Not Loren. Concentrate!>
I felt a tingle rush through me. I placed the device back on it's
shelf.
<Who are you?> asked Elfangor, waking up a little more. He never was
very alert after sleeping, and he had never seen my physical form.
He knew I had one, because I couldn't keep the knowledge out of his
probing mind, but he'd never seen any kind of image. To see this
totally white figure in front of him with a skullcap of black hair,
he must have thought I was some kind of ghost.
I decided to test it. Lifting my hand up to his face, I concentrated.
I felt my mien's DNA flowing through me. He became passive and still.
I finished and flowed back into him before he could even blink.
<Wha->
_You were dreaming, mien. Go back to sleep._

We were crashing to earth. A console exploded near us, and burnt our
side. <Aah!> Elfangor hissed in agony.
Like a shooting star, we fell down to the planet.
_Elfangor.... the Blade ship... it will follow!_
 Then he calmed himself. <Visser Three will be on that
ship.>
_I know. We felt him. But I'm staying with you. I can fight most of
them off. Then you get away._
<NO! Miene, as soon as we land, you get into your human shape and
get out of there. Go and find Aximili!>
_What if he's already dead, dear one? I'm staying with you!
That is final!_
<No, it is not.> There was a steely tone in his voice he'd never used
with me. MWe're going to land. Get out. Find Aximili. He was in the
dome.>
_Elfangor!_ Our hearts were breaking.
The ship landed and we were pressed against the wall.
<Go!>
_Elfangor-_
<If you love me, go, miene!>
_No!_ I cried again. Then I fell silent, weeping angrily.
I could feel him connecting to his computer.
We opened the door. Five human kids were in front of us.
I couldn't make out their faces in the gloom until they approached.
'Hello,' said one of them gently.
Loren's son! Elfangor's son!
_Look.... Look, it's-_
 Elfangor said, staring in wonder.
He talked to the children- I didn't listen, I was too busy planning
impossible plans of escape- and then Elfangor spoke to me.
<Miene! I want you to leave me now. I am going to give these children
morphing capability. It is the only way.>
_What?_ I was amazed. _We'll be breaking every rule- you'll-_
But then I smiled sadly. _We're going to have to break a few rules
for this world, aren't we?_
His smile warmed me. <Yes, we are. Now, get out of this place.
Look for Aximili. And when you are finished, take care of them.
Guide them as you have me.>
_I won't leave you here, alone, to die!_
<I'll never die alone. Now, go!>
_How can I protect them? I'm little more than a child myself, mien._
<Children can accomplish amazing things, remember?>
I sighed. _I'll go. But I'll save you-_
<You won't. Leave. Now. Then run!>
My hearts breaking, I left him. Then I steeled myself and
went to the back of the ship. They could try to hurt Elfangor,
but they'd have to get past me. Visser Three would know that he would
always have to get past me.
I reverted to physical form, straining to listen.
Then, Visser Three landed, and I, the great would-be Guardian of
Elfangor listened as my last hope died.
He killed him! Wounded, and helpless!
No, never helpless, but he destroyed my home and my entire family!
In rage, I clenched the sides of the ship and my hands melted into the
metal. I started to climb up the sides. I'd swing down to destroy the
foul beast that was-
A red beam of light pierced the ship, then another, and more.
The ship simply dissolved, and I was thrown back into a half-finished
structure by the sheer force. I felt several of my bones snap, and I
reverted to vapor.

I'm ashamed to say I went slightly deranged.
Without a home to live in, I couldn't revert to mist form otherwise
I'd die. So I picked up a ripped, filthy trenchcoat from inside the
ruins and put It on. The arms were too big, so I simply ripped them
off. The weather was mild, so I didn't suffer that much because of it.
I began to cry angry tears. Then I stopped. The Time Matrix! I could
use it to go back in time and save-
And just screw everything up again. The Ellimist would get me, pull
me back, and make me watch the scene again. I couldn't bear that. So,
making it to the forest and acquiring a bird- I didn't know what type
and I didn't care- I flew. I flew and flew until two hours was up and
I needed to soar down and demorph. I wasn't going anywhere. I just
needed to fly, madly, dangerously.
Then, once I had flown my sorrows away, I planned my revenge.
But some part of Elfangor that still lived on within me stopped me.
<Miene, take a look at yourself.>
I was in the forest, and I checked a large, muddy lake.
My hair had grown down to my shoulders and was splattered with mud.
My face was streaked with dirt. My trenchcoat had ripped until it only
reached my knees.
<Miene, get a hold of yourself!> That was Loren.
Loren- I could go to Loren and-
Remember, she's no longer Loren Fangor.
I sighed and began my long trip back to something resembling clear
thought. I wandered in that forest and, when I needed food, I hunted
as a bird. I practiced with my body until I could hold my strength
for a long time before collapsing. I finally told myself my twin, my
heart was gone.

But I would get even with his murderer.
I started to fly back to where I had come from until I saw the
construction site, the old forest- everything.
Then, one day, I saw it. I was in that forest when I saw it.
I had come down to demorph and regain my strength. Tracks! Hork-Bajir
tracks. Unless a large animal had evolved to have feet like
Hork-Bajir, Yeerks were in this forest.
I began to follow them until I heard a voice. A voice that made me
want to rip anything nearby apart.
<Spread out! Each group take one Hork-Bajir with you. We must cover
this ground by nightfall. Remember, if I see any of you incompetents
make a mistake, I'll gut them here and now!>
I peeked my head over a sapling. A hand grabbed my back.
Not thinking, I screamed defiance and basked the body into a tree.
Every head snapped up to look at the intruder.
<Andalite!> Visser Three yelled. <Stun it, don't kill it!>
Me? Stun? Oh, no. Not today.
I picked up a Hork-Bajir and threw it hard as I could at a group of
human-controllers armed with guns. A blade cut into the tough leather
of my coat. I slapped it out of my way, and fought my way up to the
Andalite-controlled. 'FIGHT ME!' I yelled with my strange voice.
Visser Three looked at me, and signaled to the others to back away.
<Demorph, my proud Andalite warrior, so we can fight tail to tail.>
'You'll fight me in this shape or in none.'
He looked at me quizzically. <What can you do in that weak human
shape, Andalite?>
I responded by punching him so that he staggered and almost fell down.
'Like my light hit, Visser?' I sneered.
His tail cracked overhead. I jumped back, but he sliced my shoulder.
<You're no challenge at all,> he jeered. <Morph back to your Andalite
shape and we will truly fight.>
'You're just scared because you can't defeat me!' I yelled, like an
idiot. A defenseless humanoid against an Andalite? I was doomed. But
somehow I thought that I could break his neck, or something.
No such luck.
My mien's murderer sliced at my neck this time. But I sprang back.
I wasn't that defenseless. I was far more powerful than any human,
anyway. And I was lucky- he was toying with me. I could see it in his
eyes.
Slicing my hand, I grabbed for his tail. He tried to strike, but I had
it in hold. I twisted it.
<Aargh!> yelled the Visser, more in surprise than pain. His tail had
a large purple mark on it now, and he couldn't fire it so quickly.
I delivered a quick punch to his chin. It snapped up, but the tail
still came for me. I saw it, and tried to miss it, but it cut deeply
into my arm. I grabbed hold of his tail with my other hand, ignoring
the pain, and began to squeeze down on the muscles. But it whipped out
of my hands and sliced into my face.
I fell down, blinded in one eye and blood obscuring the vision of the
other.
<You'll die now, Andalite. It has been fun playing with you. But it
would have been even more fun it you had morphed to your true self and
given me what might have resembled a challenge.>
Blind and half-dead already, I kicked my feet around to where his legs
would've been. I connected briefly, but I was utterly exhausted.
<Oh, this is a spirited one. It is a shame killing you.> I felt his
blade at my throat. >Now, die. This will be nice and slow.>
'TSEEERRR!' Something struck Visser Three's eyes with a disgustingly
satisfying popping sound.
<Aagh!> His blade came away from my throat. One eye blind, I used a
small burst of painful strength to kick his chin so his head snapped
back. Then I collapsed on the bloodstained grass.
'HrrUUUHN!' A huge growl from my left. I didn't care. I felt myself
grow lighter, as if I was being picked up. This was nice, just to slip
away into eternal nothingness.
Everything was fine.....

I woke up, groggily expected to be on the other side of wherever you
went. I tried to open the left eye, but if was crusted with blood and
fluid and other things I didn't want to think about. I opened my other
eye and stared.
Four suspicious human faces stared back at me.
I sat up, but a herd of crazed taxxons pounded at my skull.
I groaned and twisted my head to discover an Andalite tail at my
jugular. Confused, I looked up at a strangely familiar shape.
'Elfangorsd?' I asked, slurring the words.
He was startled. I squinted at him and fell back down, exhausted.
'Aximili.... children..... uhhhhnn..'
'Who are you?' one of the kids asked intently.
I closed my good eye. 'No-one,' I muttered, hoping they'd kill me and
be done with it.
<How do you know the name of Elfangor?> a voice asked.
I sighed again and sat up. Immediately, an Andalite tail pressed
close to my throat.
'Take it off,' I said irritably. I looked around.
'Where's Visser Three? Is he dead?'
The blonde girl looked at one of the other kids, who nodded.
'He's gone. We thinned out his army a little, but we took you and
ran.'
'Are you cuckoo or something?' a short, dark-haired kid demanded.
'You would have been killed! You attacked Visser Three all by
yourself!'
'She did manage to hold him off, though,' another said, and
looked at me. 'Are you okay?
'I think so.' I looked at them. 'Why did you help me?'
'Because you were about to be sliced up into patties,'
the dark-haired kid said again.
<Who are you?> Aximili demanded.
What could I do? Tell them the truth? There was nothing else to tell.
'Elfangor sent me,' I said slowly.
<Elfangor is dead,> a new voice said quietly. I looked up.
A bird was sitting in the branches of a tree.
'I know that,' I said tiredly. 'Because Visser Three killed him,
I had a duty to kill him or be destroyed. But then you people
intervened.'
'Are you an Andalite?' one asked.
I barked a short, painful laugh. 'No. I'm a Guardian. Of Elfangor.'
<She lies,> Aximili said. <My brother had no guardian.
She is a Yeerk.>
I turned my gaze upon him. 'Why was I attacking Visser Three?'
<You're a spy, then.>
'Ax!' the blonde said, annoyed. 'Chill!'
'Yes, Aximili,' I said, a smile twisting my face. 'Chill. I told
Elfangor, when our ship crashed, that I would try and save him.
"No," he said. "Save yourself. Go find my brother." And then he died,
because he was a fool.'
Aximili's tail pressed harder, drawing blood. <Never call him a fool!>
'I'm allowed to.' I swallowed. 'It was my duty, to save him.
But he wanted to give me a chance. Said he didn't want me to die,
because there was no hope for him and there was for me. For leaving,
I had the greatest punishment of my life- watching him die.'
I rested my chin on my knees, not caring what the others thought
of my emotional outburst.
<We didn't see you at the construction site,> the bird said.
I laughed bitterly. 'Of course not. I was in here.' I tapped my head.
<Yeerk!>
'I'm no Yeerk.'
<If you are not a Yeerk, some kind of parasite!>
Aximili was really beginning to bug me.
'I never asked anything of his body. He was in control.
A Yeerk does not care, and I cared about him!'
<Why didn't he tell me?>
'Ever thought there were some things he never told you?'
He shut up.
'Okay, you two.' One human looked at me. 'Do you fight the Yeerks?'
'I have always fought the Yeerks.' I realized what they were talking
about. 'You want an ally, don't you?' I saw the truth in his eyes.
I sighed. 'Will you help me avenge Elfangor?'
<We've been trying,> the bird said.
'That.. that is good.' I was suddenly tired. I didn't care anymore
how I avenged mien. I just had to do it at all costs. 'Well, we'd
better start then, shouldn't we?'
'Doing what?' the dark-haired boy said.
'Burning Yeerks.'
The short one laughed. 'Here you go, Rachel! Another Xena!'
'Xena..' I rolled the word around in my head. 'Xe... Xa... Xana.
That is my name.'
The others looked at each other.
I frowned. 'What's wrong with it?'
'Nothing. It's great,' A girl shook my hand. 'I'm Cassie.'
That is how I met them. Cassie, Jake, Marco, Rachel, Aximili
(nicknamed 'Ax') and, of course, Tobias. Tobias was stuck in morph.
When I heard that, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
It seemed vaguely ironic.
Before, Elfangor had fought the Yeerks.
Now, I did.

I went away to a hidden cave in a ravine. It was more like a crack in
the cliff wall, and it could only be reached by morphing. However,
it was a good place to sit down and think when I wasn't hunting for
my food.
I liked the humans, and I found much of Elfangor in Tobias and Ax.
This made me miss him terribly, but it was also strangely comforting.
I acquiring Earth animals, my favorite morph a leopard.
I adored being a leopard. Nothing can hurt you. You're out of
everyone's league.
One thing that I did not like, however, was Ax. Every moment he
expected me to be a traitor. He could not comprehend that I had
guarded Elfangor. At first I thought it was resentment because I
could not save him, but I had more trouble convincing him I was
_there_ to save him.
Jake got increasingly annoyed with me as I got more reckless.
Every confrontation with Visser Three, no questions asked, I'd jump
into a fray with him. What Jake couldn't understand was that I
couldn't see anything but him when he was in the room. I relived
Elfangor's death over and over until I was a searing flame of anger.
Then I'd lose it, Jake would yell at me, and I'd get confused.
Wasn't that the point? To kill the Abomination?
'No, Xana!' he said in frustration. 'We have to save Earth.
That is our first priority!'
'If you don't kill _him_,' I put emphasis on it, 'your planet will
fall. He is dangerous! He is insane!'
'I wouldn't call him the insane one,' Marco muttered.
'Why do you keep on going for him?' Rachel asked. 'You could kill
yourself and the rest of us!'
'Why do you think I go after him?' I asked, my throat suddenly tight.
Then I sat down, brutally tired. 'I just.. don't know what to do...'
I felt a friendly arm on my shoulder. Cassie. 'Just wait it out,
Xana,' she said kindly. 'We'll all defeat him. Together.'
I smiled weakly at her. She was probably the only one who was
sincerely nice to me. Rachel and Marco both thought I was nuts.
Rachel would have been on my side, walking the reckless road herself,
but I was suicidal. I didn't care about defense. I was a ripping,
slashing, mindless machine until they dragged me out if the fight.
They were all good to me, though, and accepted me well enough, so I
held nothing against them. Except for one thing....
The others walked out of the forest. I began to walk in the direction
of my cliff, until Ax trotted up in front of me.
'What is it, Aximilli?' I asked. I never called him 'Ax' because
the nickname held affection. Even the Elfangor within me could not
overcome what I felt.
He hesitated. <I.... have a bond with my father. I must avenge
Elfangor. And I will.> His eyes bored into me. <Which means I don't
want you interfering.>
'What? You want me to give up my last hope just because of some
meaningless Andalite bond?'
<If I do not avenge him, I will be dishonored!>
I sighed. 'It's not about honor.'
<What is there for you if not honor?>
'Other things. Mostly love, care, guilt.' I laughed bitterly.
'Especially the last one.'
He narrowed his eyes. <You cannot be my brother's guardian. He cared
for honor above all things.>
'Too bad. I don't.' I tried to walk past him, but he stopped me.
<If you defile Elfangor's honor....> He left the threat hanging in
the air. The air around him flamed with hate. I'd seen him like this
when he was talking about Yeerks.
I smiled mirthlessly. 'You kill me, Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill, then
you will be your brother's murderer for killing his last essence.'
I pushed past him.
<You have no Elfangor in you. You are cold.> He took off, fleet as a
deer.
I burned inside. Of course I had Elfangor in me! He was my love.
My joy. Every positive emotion.
But I was slowly losing him.

<Okay,> Jake said. <We go in. We GET the plans. And if _he's_
there...> he left it hanging.
 I snapped irritably.

<But what if the Yeerks are up to something big?> Tobias asked,
worried.
<They probably decided that being bad was bad for their health and
moved away. Let's enjoy the fact that they're down. Let's pretend
we're normal.>
<That won't work for you, Marco.> Although she joked, I could hear
Rachel's tension.
<Okay. Everyone ready?>
<Ready, Jake? Ready to go into the Yeerk Pool, risk my butt with a
few weirdos and a couple of aliens and you ask if I'm ready?>
<Well, are you?>
<Oh, sure. I'm going crazy anyway. I might as well go along.>
<Which category do I fall into?> I asked thoughtfully. <Weirdo,
or alien?>
<You're Little Miss Nightmare.>
<Thanks, Marco. That warmed my heart.>
<Let's go!> Jake yelled. We had found an underground tunnel leading
to the pool. The Chee had hinted that something was going on, so we
decided to go inside and steal information.
We buzzed through cracks underground and headed towards the light.
We'd been in this way once before. No robots. No force fields.
Nothing. Even the pool was looking a little bit deserted, with only a
few controllers hanging around. Slack security, too.
Why couldn't we see that this all reeked?
We split up. I was on backup with Ax, Cassie and Marco. Jake, Rachel
and Tobias scouted. Well, you could say that they _tried_ to keep me
away from him.
<There is something really stupid about this,> I muttered.
<That's my line for every mission, Xana.>
<We must see what the Yeerks are up to, otherwise they could overcome
us at any time.>
<Now, here's the dumb thing. What if we find out that Visser Three
has retired? What if the Yeerks discovered the profit was in
Microsoft? What if->
<What if they've gotten a superweapon that destroys everything?>
<Well, that too.>
<Is that Prince Jake and the others down there?> Ax asked.
<How can you see them? You're a fly!> Marco said.
<Yes, but I believe they have morphed.>
I felt a stone drop into my already disgusting fly guts.
<Okay, backup team!> Marco said cheerfully. <Time to risk our necks
and join the Fantastic Three down there.>
We started to fly down. <You're enthusiastic, Marco.>
<No, I'm not. I'm hoping this is a bad dream.>
We all flew down into a storage room through the cracks of the door.
<Any security cameras?> asked Marco.
<Any what?> that was Ax.
<You know. Cameras, so that they can see my cute little face coming
out of this not-cute little fly.>

We demorphed. 'I'll watch,' I whispered nervously. 'I'm better in a
fight in this form than you are half-morphing.'
'Whatever you say.' Marco began to grow legs like tree trunks.
I could hear a battle beginning to rage. I wished the others would
speed up. I'm a _really_ bad morpher. Not only can I make everything
disgusting, it takes forever, too. And if the guards ran in and
discovered an Andalite, a half-morphed human and a humanoid, we were
toast.
It was about when Marco had had mostly morphed that a Hork Bajir
started banging on the door, I peeked out. More Hork-Bajir, about 6.
In a horrible parody of what had happened to me at the construction
site, I was thrown heavily into the back of the room when the Dracon
flash toasted the door. I not only felt my legs snap, I felt my back.
I was paralyzed.
<Xana? Get up!> Marco yelled, fighting off two Hork-Bajir.
'Can't,' I wheezed. He could barely hear me.
<What? Xana!>
<Marco, I believe she is too weak to morph.> Was that a hint of worry
in Ax's expressionless voice?
<Xana! Do that misty cloud thing you do!>
'I can't survive in that,' I said, every word an agony.
Marco got slashed again. <Well, go on into me! Probably lots of room.>
I reverted to mist. _Misty cloud thing?_ I said. _I'm deeply hurt._
<Just get on over here!>
I was blind. I felt for life patterns. I thought I found a familiar
one, so I tried what I had not done in months. I entered a being.
<Aaahhh!> yelled Aximili.
_Aaaahhh!_ I chimed in.
<What's happening?> Marco asked, bashing another Hork.
We didn't answer. _Ax? Is that you?_ I asked, burning all over.
_Who else would it be?_
I heard Rachel's voice. <You guys! We're having trouble! We need to
get out of here!>
I didn't care. I was scratching, itching, burning all over. Ax's
presence didn't soothe, it attacked! It stuck to me like a rash, and
forced things into my own presence. <Get out!>
he told me.
_I can't! Get off me!_
I felt something being forced into me, and then I gave in to the
mutual pain.

I floated back to consciousness. We opened our eyes and stood up.
<Get out of my head!> Aximili told me.

I didn't need to be told twice. I filtered out, changed to normal,
and began rolling around on the grass.
'Uh, Xana? What are you doing?' Cassie asked me.
'He's still on me!' I said, slightly hysterical.
There was a large, pulsing beat in my head I couldn't ignore. I had
drawn something out of Aximili and taken it with me.
<We barely managed to get you guys out of there,> Tobias said.
<What happened?>
I didn't reply. The essence of Ax was rubbing off my skin, but not
out of my skull. It kept on pounding. Was I going mad?
<Xana filtered into me,> said Aximili, barely hiding his disgust.

'Damn right,' I said angrily. I looked at Jake. 'What did you guys
find out?'
Jake shot a troubled look at Rachel. 'The Yeerks are breeding.
They're going to take this town by force. We couldn't find out any
more because an alarm went off.'
<We must stop them, Prince Jake.>
'Yes. Don't call me 'Prince',' he added.
I began to walk off. 'Where are you going?' Rachel asked.
'Off to the lake. I have to get all this Aximili off me.' I rubbed
my arms again.
I heard Marco's voice behind me. 'Okay, that is going up in my
books as Quote of the Week.'

I lay on the bank, sopping wet. I had managed to quell the burning
sensation with the icy water, but I still burned inside.
I heard a soft step. 'Go away, Aximili,' I said, without turning my
head.
<How did you know it was me?>
'You're the only heavy, clumping Andalite in these parts. You've done
enough to me already. Leave me be.'
<It not like I wasn't harmed as well by your parasitic entrance.
Did Elfangor feel this every time you forced yourself into his mind?>
he added snidely.
I twisted around and glared. 'I never harmed him, not once!'
<Maybe that's what you'd like to believe. Every time I saw Elfangor,
was he screaming in agony at the burning presence inside him?>
I was so angry the pulsing inside me grew louder. I stood and raised
my hand as if to slap him, and I heard a sudden crackling and searing
heat. My hand- it was on fire! No, not ON fire. It WAS fire.
'Aaaahh! Aaahhh!' I screamed. I felt no pain, just the anger rising
in me so that the fire could claim the rest of my body. The pulsing
in me enjoyed this.
<Aaaaahh!> Aximili chimed in with me. <Xana!> You can say one thing
for Aximili. He is never truly venomous. He wasn't enjoying watching
me go up in flames- literally.
I jumped back into the lake. The fire was quenched, but there was a
blackened stump where my arm had formerly been. I felt myself growing
weaker as my blood flowed.
<Morph, Xana!> Aximili yelled.
Frightened out of my wits, I did so. I can't even remember what
morph it was. But when I morphed back into Xana, my arm was in it's
rightful place.
'What was that?' I asked, trembling.
<You were the one who's arm went up in smoke,> said Aximili,
sounding most remarkably un-Aximili.
A red-tailed hawk flew into a tree. <What's all the yelling about?
I could hear you guys for miles.>
'Just an after-effect from the mind thing,' I said cheerfully.
'Wasn't pretty.'
<Oh. Thought you guys were killing each other or something.>
 Ax said.
'Yeah, right,' I muttered.
<Okay. Just making sure.> He flew away.
Ax looked at me with a stalk eye. <You lied to him.>
'Well, I just didn't tell him everything.'
<That is the same as lying.>
'I don't want to worry him.' I was privately looking out for Tobias.
I couldn't wait until he continued the line of Elfangor so I could
put my legs up and get some relaxation. After all, wasn't that the
main thing I had to look out for?
Aximili looked at me. It wasn't just looking... more like seeing
inside. 
'I don't understand you either, aerai,' I smiled.
<What did you call me? The language seems familiar.>
I narrowed my eyes. 'How could that be? That was Elfangor's and my
speak. Nobody else's.'
<It just seems... familiar. Andalites are all well versed in
languages. You should know that.> Gone was nervous Aximili.
Here was Proud-To-Be-An-Andalite Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill.
'Never mind.' I started to walk off.
<Xana?> he asked.
'What?' I turned around to face him. He seemed to be struggling.
<Goodbye. Be well.>
'You too.' I was grinning inside. I had made peace with one hostile
figure. Maybe if he had kids as well, I could really put my feet up
and get some rest. But he seemed more military, like Elfangor had
been.
Like Elfangor.....
I gazed up at the sky. All too quickly had the day passed,
leaving everything in twilight. I swallowed and looked up at the
early stars. _Which one are you tonight, dear one?_ I chose a star
that was just hanging in the sunset like a drop of purest crystal.
_There you are._ I took a deep breath. _I've been missing you.
I will every day of my life. This gaping, jagged hole inside of me..._
I shuddered. _But I'm fighting for you, dearest one. I will defeat
the Yeerks in your name._ I started walking to the cliff with the
star following me.
I heard Loren's echo. _Poor Miene! You sound so serious._
_I have a name now, Loren,_ I said, addressing her silently.
_Yes, but I liked 'Heart' better._
_I'm never telling them THAT name. It's Elfangor's and mine._
I turned back towards him. _Be well. I love you. Look after Loren,
whether she's on this world or the next. I'll watch over Tobias, and
you watch over me. Deal?_ I almost felt his presence touching mine,
the old, familiar feeling that was now gone.
_I love you, dearest one,_ I repeated and I morphed to get some
sleep.

Sleep? Me?
Those two don't match.
Just when I had finally dozed off, a red-tail flew into my cave.
'Tobias,' I groaned as he noisily flapped his way around.
<Hi, Xana.>
'What's the emergency? It better be good.' I sat up and rubbed
my eyes.
<It is.>
Something about the way he spoke made me pay attention. 'What is it?'
Tobias sighed. <It's something- about Elfangor.>
I raised an eyebrow. 'What do you want to know?'
<It's not about what I want to know, it's about what I know already.>
'Oh,' I said, drawing my knees to my chest and hugging them, 'that.'
<He really was my father, wasn't he?>
'It sure wasn't some other guy,' I said, trying to lighten the
situation.
<Xana, this isn't funny.>
'Okay, okay, I'm sorry.' Drawing in a breath, I went on.
'He was your father, yes.'
<Did my mom- know?>
'Did she know she was married to Elfangor-Sirinal-Shamtul?
Of course, yes. Loren had
been captured by an alien race called the Skrit Na. Elfangor ended
up rescuing her- although she did some rescuing of herself as well-
and when they went to Earth, they eventually got married.'
Although the memory made me want to blubber like a baby and
scream for Elfangor, I knew Tobias needed this knowledge.
'You're definitely Elfangor's son.'
<Did Elfangor love Loren?>
I smiled sardonically. 'It made me sick, I was so jealous.
But then I fell in love with her too, so that was okay.'
We were silent for a moment.
<Everything could have been so different, couldn't it?>
'Yeah.' I looked away, then back. 'I wish it had been different,
sometimes.'
He left me then, so I put my head down on my heap of leaves and
tried to fall asleep.

No such luck.
My head thrummed until I felt like bashing it against the wall.
Something was terribly, terribly wrong. There was something....
_alive_ in my head! Foreign, yet strangely familiar..... but
whatever it was, I didn't want it.
_Get..... out.... of.... my.... head!_ I screamed to it, scrabbling
at my face with each word.
I somwhow rested. Not slept- I sat on the floor, utterly vacant of
thought.
Two ospreys, a peregrine falcon, a bald eagle and a red-tailed hawk
flew into my cave.
'Sorry, going crazy. This is a private show only,' I mumbled.
Jake ignored me. <Xana, the Yeerks have Ax.>
'What?' I jerked up, pain momentarily forgotten. 'How?'
<He was grazing, out in the fields. A couple of Hork-Bajir
knocked him out and dragged him underneath the ground. I went to
get you guys,> Tobias told me.
I began morphing kestrel almost immediately.
<Xana?> Cassie asked me.
<What?>
There was an embarrassed silence. ,If there's something wrong
with you, we don't want you to go. You'll get hurt. You're in pain.>
I was too proud to admit I was on the verge of screaming at the
pounding in my head.
<What are you talking about? Ax could be infested already! Let's go!>
<That's my line, Xana,> Rachel said good-humouredly.
<Why don't you try 'Semper Fi, do or die'?>
<Marco?>
<What?>
<Stop watching those army movies.>
Marco sighed. <The balloon of my ego is brutally burst by
Xena's sword of wit.>
<Will you guys shut up?> Jake asked tersely.
My pulsing headache grew. Go away, I told it. It didn't.
I had this feeling it didn't like me.

We did a re-enactment of our last mission. Morph to fly, and
go through the opening. But unlike last mission, the Pool was
bustling with people. Also, the lead-grey liquid was churning
with Yeerks.
<The new slugs,> Rachel observed.
<Yeah.> That was Marco. <Anyone got salt?>
It wasn't funny, but we laughed slightly.
<Hey, can you see that cave up there?> Cassie asked.
<Nope. These fly eyes really suck,> said Jake.
<Oh. Follow me.>
Cassie was right. There was a small hollow that went about three
metres back into the wall, high up. We demorphed silently.
 Tobias said suddenly. <He's down there, being held
by Hork-Bajir. They're dragging him to the pier- oh, wait, they
stopped.>
<Why?> I asked irritably.
<It's Visser Three!>
Jake took control almost immediately. 'We need a distraction.'
'I'll do it!' Rachel volunteered.
'Hands up who didn't see that one coming,' Marco grumbled.
'Okay. Marco, Rachel and me provide the distraction. You guys
stay here and be backup.'
'I'm always backup!' I complained.
'Hold on. I never volunteered for distraction,' Marco said.
<Jake saw how much you wanted to go,> Tobias said wryly.
'Aww, man,' Marco said and a disgusting fly mouth popped out his face.
They all morphed into flies and flew away. Tobias gave us commentary.
<Okay, they've taken Ax to the pier. He's struggling. Hold on-
they're slowing. A bear came out and just smacked Visser Three silly.>
I could hear the pride in his voice. He had a soft spot for Rachel.
Then his voice grew worried again. <They've gotten hold of Ax- no, no!
We need a distraction!> He dived down to Ax. But I knew he'd be too late.
Would I risk it? Would I stand by and let the last lines of Elfangor die?
Too quickly, too stupidly, I decided, and dived.

Everything slowed.
Is this going to hurt?
No. You're doing the right thing.
I'm going to die! I realized. All for nothing.
No, you're going to die for Aximili and Tobias, and Elfangor,
and that's what counts.
I didn't have my anger, so I used my desperation.
A little warm line ran up my body and it burst into flame.
I turned my head slightly. Ax was looking at me in horror.
My headache expressed it's discontent.
_I've got to go now,_ I told it.
It didn't move.
_I'm not going to be here for you. You must leave._
Nothing.
_Go to Aximili. He's your new home, your new family.
You're his child, anyway._
It didn't want to go.
_I love you, Miene, but I have to go for you._
Slowly, she seeped out of me. I felt gentle regret. Ax was going to
look after our child now; I'd never get the chance.
This has turned into my hirac delest. I'm not scared. I'm going
happy. The Guardian must guard until she no longer can; that's what
I was doing.
Elfangor went heroically. I'm not. I'm just doing what I was
programmed to do.
_Let there-_
I see Rachel slap Visser Three into a wall. My body turns into a
pillar of flame, almost, not quite.
The liquid of the pool has almost rushed up to greet me.
_be-_
I turn totally into flame. Strangely, my mind still functions.
Get ready to burn Yeerks, Xana Miene! I can almost hear Loren say.
I see Ax's tail slice up and disembowel a Hork-Bajir.
_light-_
My flame explodes, and everything goes black....

The End

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