__________________________________

What would you do
If my heart was torn in two?
More than words, to make me feel
That your love for me is real.
__________________________________

I'm sorry, Brother, for this pause. It all came back….. I felt dizzy. I see you looking at
me from the other side of the room. I'm fine, honest. Just…… well, I don't know.
So long ago…..
__________________________________

What would you say
If I took those words away?
Then you wouldn't make things new
Just by saying, 'I love you.'
__________________________________

I screamed and reverted to mist. I went inside Father's head, and was almost sick.
People say that no-one has ever overcome a Yeerk. They're wrong.
Father's madness had overcome all holds the Yeerk had had, but the
struggle to regain control was terrible.
Flicking Father's consciousness off like a light-switch, I took control.
Okay, you godamn little sunuva-
He's mad.
I know that.
Mad as mad can be.
Who killed them? You or him?
He did. We went aboard your ship, you Guardian-freak, and
we infested them. We infested Aximili last. A mistake.
So YOU killed them. You-
Wait! He gained control. He killed the tall one- shadow of the
Beast, that Jake- and he went mad.
He killed...
All of them.
I began to shudder.
I think… I think I'd like to die, please. He wasn't all that bad, for a Yeerk.
He reminded me of Cassie's Aftran.
A Yeerk, wanting to die?
You're going to starve me, aren't you? And I know what you can do.
You can make it painless. They'll think I died here. My twin will think I died
with honour, instead of this cowardly way.
I was silent.
Yes, I have honour. We Yeerks do have honour, unlike this… this…
Creature you call your parent…
You're so different, Yeerk.
I know.
I was quite touched. This was a Yeerk in a million,
the kind of one you actually respect.
Before I die…
Yes, Yeerk?
My name was Isplin…. Isplin of the Sekk pool…
Goodbye, Isplin.
I turned off the Yeerk's consciousness and disabled him.
He slipped out of Father's mind.
Seeping to mist, I left father's body. There was a Yeerk on the floor,
drying amongst the gore and blood and.... oozy things.

You don't really want to know about the oozy things.

I left my father unconscious and went to the bodies. I simply froze the
Controllers and shoved them out randomly. But as for the Animorphs,
I cried over them and put them in the shuttle and froze it.
I left a message on the onboard computer.
'Jake Trenton. Cassie Connor. Marco Murdoch. Rachel Burnette.
Tobias Carter.' Then, because at heart I loved poetry, 'Together we fight.'
Then I jettisoned the shuttle, and it floats forevermore in space. Or it
was sucked into a sun and destroyed. I like to think that happened to it.
Swallowed by flames, not by the eternal darkness....

Tobias....... I'd failed him. I began to understand the extent of my mother's
agony about losing Elfangor. I had lost one of my charges, but not my home.
But it was still more horrible than anything I'd ever faced. Failure.
How on earth did mother survive?
Oh. I forgot. She didn't.

I sucked in my breath and cried to keep from screaming again. If I screamed now,
I wouldn't stop. My tunic was slowly drying brown-red and olive-green and grey.
Later, I would burn it.
I seeped inside Father's mind again. Insanity is not a nice thing to share.
No matter how much I soothed it, it was still there, ready to strike. But finally
I decided he was fit to stand and woke him up.
<Uhhhmm........ Carter? Child?>
I'm here, father.
<What happened? Where is Prince Jake, and Tobias, and->
..........
<They're dead.>
I know.
<I killed them! I killed->
Shush.... it's all right.
<It isn't! Don't lie to me, Guardian. I can handle their deaths. I endure.>
His anger burned at me. It wasn't hatred for himself that they were dead.
It was hatred for me.
Not a nice feeling.
<You should have let me kill you. I am a murderer.>
Don't say that, father! I said, spooked.
<I'm not your father. I am a murderer. I don't deserve even you. I deserve death.>
You deserve redemption.
He was silent, then. So I left him and set the ship to zip out of Z-Space.
I had no idea where we'd go. Or what we'd do. Maybe to float until we died.

Father came back to normal- well, at least to the point where he didn't try to kill me.
Much.
To my face.
Oh, well.
This was a different Aximili. Something inside him had snapped. He had
never been insanely, icily angry all the time, long ago, but he hadn't exactly
been a Seerow either. He'd had his good moments. My happy childhood
memories are those when he let me run free and I'd run my palm across
his face, in deep Andalite affection. Then his eyes would widen, and he'd look at me.
Then, in a soundless voice that carried more with it than any other voice, <Run along, child.>
It just breaks me up if I think about it now. Not back then. Back then,
I couldn't give a damn. He was now lost to me; he hated the worlds and
everything in them, the Andalites, the Yeerks, the dead Animorphs, me, him.....
I weighed up our situation then. The Andalites probably wanted us. A lot.
I wanted to sit down and die. A lot. My solution? Hide.
There are a lot of planets out there in space. Some of them aren't
inhabited and are completely boring. Perfect.
We found one, on the outskirts of the galaxy near Ujabra. There was grass,
and even though it was bitter Ax didn't complain.

__________________________________

I am here to tell you
We can never meet again......
Simple really, isn't it, a word or two and then
A lifetime of not knowing
Where or how or why or when
You think of me, or speak of me, or wonder what befell
Someone you once loved, long ago, somewhere
__________________________________
 

I was quite prepared to stay there forever. No Yeerks. We were utterly
defenceless, though; the planet was mostly grassland. The sky was pale peach.
We'd be scanned almost immediately if the Yeerks came along. Or the Andalites.
I didn't know which was worse.
Father brooded. I never called him Father, to his face, any more.
Nothing worked, nothing made him break. Not even when my resolve
crumbled, and everything I ever needed to say burst out. I began to weep,
'Why have things changed? Can't I ever touch your face any more?'
He just looked at me like I was crazy. Like he had never met me before.
I stopped crying immediately and ran from him.
Not that he cared. He mostly sat inside his transport, coming
out only to eat, and researching something on the computer.
I didn't want to know what. But hopefully it wouldn't affect me.
The Andalites weren't going to come after us, they decided.
We were too innocent, too pure, too tiny to care about. So
they sent others. All the scum of the galaxy, to bring us in, alive.
Or dead, just... recognizable.
We were far away, but they eventually came. The bounty-hunters.
Some made it to us, although to this day I don't know how. Only
the strangest came. The coldest; the warmest; Jagrey.
I was half-sleeping on a rock one day, contemplating the grassland,
when a friendly voice sailed through the skies, singing. My hair stood
up straight on my neck, and before I knew what I was doing I had my
hands clasped around the intruder's throat, ready to crush it.
My eyes opened wide. A little girl, an eight-year-old, was under my grip.
I released her warily.
A pair of dragonfly wings opened from her back and she
buzzed around me.
'Who the hell are you?' I demanded.
'I'm me.... or maybe I'm someone else,' the little girl tittered.
Her eyes were... scary. Not mad, but bordering on it. And her hair
was greying, although I knew she wasn't old. Or a Yeerk.
'Why are you here?'
'Better question.' The little girl sat down, her wings flicking madly. 'I'm here for yooou.'
I raised an eyebrow.
'The Andalites want you. So I want you. Do you much they'd pay?'
The girl's strange, blue-red eyes danced. 'Enough for a lifetime's
supply of chocolate! And then more!'
I stifled a laugh. 'Um... you're not going to take me, sorry.'
The eyes grew hard, but still laughed. 'Oh, I am. I'm
Jagrey.' She extended a hand.
I took it nervously, then began to squeeze hard. Very hard.
'Ow!' Jagrey squealed. 'That wasn't nice!'
'No. This is my warning- stay away from me and my father.'
Jagrey punched me so hard I fell backwards.
I was more stunned than hurt. I sat up, my lip bloodied.
I clenched my fists.
Jagrey flew up into the air again, and began to punch me.
Hard. These were dangerous punches- directed at my throat, chest, face....
I pushed her off and began to punch her back. I was far
stronger. Her little arms would burst like melons under my
touch. But surprisingly, she fought back- and she fought well.
What the hell was she?
'You don't have to be alive for me to take you back,' she spat
at me. 'I'll kill you and then I'll kill your father!'
'You wish!' I howled and shoved my fist through her stomach.
I could feel the skin break.... and my hand go through.... I pulled
it out, my hand covered in blood. How could such a little girl bleed so much?
I was cold all over until I realized that Jagrey was healing.
The wound was closing over. She began to laugh.
'Want me? Catch me!' I yelled and began to run.
Jagrey grinned. 'Maybe I should, and maybe I shouldn't....
aw, hell, chasing's fun and I'm gonna catch you and if you
fight me kill you and I'll bring you back to the Andalites and
eat lollipops and live happily ever a-'
I began to run.
She had wings.
I didn't.
But I was still the superior.

Jagrey chased me, laughing manically as she fluttered overhead.
Soon I feigned exhaustion and collapsed near a gorge.
She fluttered down and poked me with a hand.
'You live in there?' Then she shrugged. 'Ah, well. Thought you were made of-'
I jumped up. With deadly accuracy, I ripped each wing,
punched through the already weakened stomach, and tackled
her over the gorge. She bled on me as she went, her eyes very wide.
She bled so much for an eight-year-old. As she went she struggled to grow
wings again, or a dragon-tail, and pleaded with me with her innocent eyes. I did not look.
Oh Gods what have I done she was an innocent I'm no better than a Yeerk
she was going to kill Aximili so what you hate him I don't you do I don't
you do I don't you do I don't you-
We freefalled, until I was sure the little girl was going to hit rock bottom.
Then I reverted to mist so I wouldn't have to hear the pulpy sound of her splatting.
I floated up to the cliff, growing weaker. Then I reverted to human,
looked down, and threw up.
I was no better than... than Visser Three. I was a murderer.
Murderer of innocents.
Going back to my father - well, stumbling back mindlessly to
the transport hidden in a valley- I collapsed outside. Ax heard the noise and walked out.
I looked up with totally changed eyes. 'I have killed for you, father,' I said.
Aximili looked at me. I couldn't tell the expression in his eyes.
'What do you think of me?' I asked in a quavering voice. 'I have
fought for you. Killed for you. Gave up innocence simply to-'
<You're too much like Xana.>
'What?' That broke me out of my spiel.
<But not enough like Xana..... and too much like I.> He turned
his back and walked back inside.
'Don't you care, Father? I killed! I would have died! I am your
child!' I began to swear, long and loud, at the ship. Then, my throat
sore, I walked back to my haunt on the rock in the grassland.

Can you feel the love in this segment?

Things didn't get better. Another bounty-hunter found us. I had no
wish to kill again, but......
I was sitting on my rock. I didn't even notice the bounty hunter until
a smooth, rich alto voice proclaimed, 'Freeze.'
I started. A knife was against my jugular.
_Here we go again,_ I sighed inwardly.
'Carter, I presume,' the voice said whimsically. I looked up.
A very beautiful girl was standing there. She was in her late
teens or early twenties. I stood up slowly, moving with the knife.
'You presume right,' I barely whispered. Then I glared. 'Another bounty hunter.'
'Yes, another bounty hunter. The price the Andalites put
on your head was too good to miss.' She stared at me. She
had honey-blonde hair and blue eyes, and she reminded me
of someone, I couldn't think who....
'I'm a drifter,' she continued. 'I've been stuck in this universe
for six months. With your help, I can get home. I need that tech the Andalites offer.'
'Dead or alive?' I asked with a faint smile.
The girl opened her mouth in a feral smile. Her teeth were _points._
This was not my lucky day.
'Either either,' she smiled, pressing the knife against my throat so a line of blood appeared.
'I've killed bounty hunters before,' I rasped.
'Not this one.'
'Yet.' I reverted to mist and backed away.
She could see me, she could see my mist form! When I reverted to
humanoid, the knife was at my throat again.
'Okay, okay, shit...' I muttered.
'Are you going to be a nice girl for Ryan?' the girl- obviously Ryan- smiled.
'What kind of crap name is Ryan?' I asked, pulling back quickly and
sweeping her, making her fall to her feet.
She stood up almost immediately and took me in a choke-hold. 'It's _my_ name.'
I reverted to mist, reverted to humanoid when I was out of her grasp,
and began to run. 'You'll never kill me!'
'I'll kill your father first!' she howled. 'I'll kill Aximili and wipe his blood
over you!'
That chilled me. I began to run, run towards the transport, reverting to
mist then reverting all over again, until I was so exhausted I couldn't see.
'Father!' I called, barely a whisper. Then, _FATHER!_
A shadow beside me. 'Ax?' I muttered.
'No, Ryan,' the voice said gaily. 'Thanks for leading me to him.'
I opened my eyes. She put her hand on her knife and walked to the transport.
_You'll die, you sweet bitch! My father can take out any stupid human!_
Ryan winked and smiled at me, walking into the transport.
_AARRRGH!_ I screamed inside my head. With a burst of
strength, I stood up and ploughed into the ship.
Ryan was slashing at Father's flanks. She was fast. Far, far, too fast.
I leapt upon her as she stabbed me in the stomach. I didn't care.
I pulled her down and began, methodically, to pull her to pieces.
She screamed as I did so. But as I ripped her apart, I felt another
horror dawn on me. Ax's horror.
Then Ryan stopped quivering, and the second bounty hunter to reach
our planet, our hell, died.
I looked up at Father. Ryan had gashed his body open, and blood was
pouring from the wound. I stood up, triumphant. 'You'd better morph,
Father,' I advised. 'You're bleeding.'
Aximili was looking at me like I had just crawled from the deepest pits of hell,
but his features began to melt. He was morphing to human, the older one he
had done when the Animorphs were still alive. My heart gave a little pang
as I saw the familiar features.
<What are you?> he demanded when he had morphed fully.
I was taken aback. 'I'm... me, father.'
<I'm not your father.> The voice was deeply disturbed and disgusted.
<You are a monster. You ripped that person to pieces. It was in agony.>
'I did it for the love of you!'
<Love?> Aximili came over to me. His face was normal, angry, but his eyes
were dreadful. He was hopelessly insane. Oh, Gods, I shouldn't have left him
so long. <LOVE? You don't know what love is! Love is nothing! You're just
a mindless, fleshless cell! You're not whole! You're..... worse than a Yeerk!
Yeerk! Yeerk! Yeerk!> The older look came into his eyes. <Death is better
than being a slave. Death is better than being a slave.>

Father has very strong human arms. I found this out as he was beating me senseless.
I couldn't fight back. This was my home, my only love. As he broke my jaw and
beat my body, I went into a kind of haze. This wasn't actually Aximili, I knew. It was
something else. A bad dream. I'd wake up in a second.
Red blood poured across my eyes, obscuring my vision. This was a mercy. But
unfortunately, I didn't need eyes to feel what happened next.

After being violated in the worst way possible, beaten again, and left,
I slithered over to the ramp.
<They're coming for you,> the insane voice burst through my thoughts.
<Your slugs will come for you. And then you'll die.>
I rolled off into the cool brown grass. My whole body was numb, except
for my womb. It began to beat fiercely, and all of a sudden there was pain,
aching, then stinging, cold pain all over my body. I was a mess of cracked,
brown blood and fresh blood oozing out from where my skin had been
broken all over my  body. I tried to rub my thighs together, but it didn't work.
I felt my mind slowly shutting down.
Then, a sweet, clear voice... far more disgusted than my father's had been,
shocked, and angry beyond belief, My poor Carter....
I reverted to mist. Not because I wanted to. But because something made me,
something triggered inside me. I reverted back, into humanoid, and my mind cleared.
My eyes opened wide.
No, no! NONONONONONONO! I screamed, and I began to run.
Away from the transport. Away, away. I didn't care. My life was over.
I didn't want to live. This was my own, private, personal Hell, and I wanted out.

I slept when I got exhausted. I slept under the stars, tossing my head and turning
with bad dreams. My mind would be forever tormented after that. And every
morning, I'd wake up, my face wet with tears.
However, I wasn't woken up by tears on my face that morning. I was woken up,
in the half-light, by rumbling.
I looked up.
And my heart skipped a few beats.
A fleet was silhouetted in the sky. A Yeerk fleet. A big Yeerk fleet.
I heard the rumbling of them, my ears tuning to the sound of their guns
powering up.... ready to aim, beam, destroy....
I flew to the transport. My feet didn't touch the ground. I sprinted, wild,
my breath coming in short, sharp gasps. I seemed to be doing a lot of running these days.
Aximili was in the transport, hard at work at a console.
'THE YEERKS ARE HERE!' I screeched.
Aximili turned to me, and his eyes narrowed in a smirk. <Yeerks are here.
They blow. You blow. Death is better than being a slave.>
'What the hell do you mean? THEY'RE HERE!!'
A moment of lucidy showed in his eyes. <And they will die.
The planet is rigged to explode.>
I gaped at him. So he hadn't been wasting away in the transport all this time.
<But you will be the first to die,> he smirked. <You are the first Yeerk.>
'I'm not a Yeerk! I'm your daughter!' With the last line I shudder;
I don't feel like his daughter any more.
He raises his tail and I gasp. I am going to die. Father will kill me;
taking my dignity is not enough; wasting my life is not enough.
His tail flashed down, and all of a sudden, I was hotly angry. I would
not die by his hands! Not now! Not ever!
I rolled away, and picking up a large, jagged piece of metal, I swiped.
Not at his head, or at his flanks, but at his tail.
It worked.
The tail was severed, from the base. It lay twitching on the floor.
Aximili looked at me, then at it, and I could see fog leaving his eyes.
<Carter?> he muttered.
'Father,' I said tonelessly.
He fell to his knees. He was losing blood quickly.
'You must demorph,' I whispered.
<No, child...> Aximili sounded so very, very tired.
<I think I've done enough. To you, to this world. You stood by me.... after I....>
'Father,' I said again, my eyes finally flooding with tears.
<By the People, what have I done?> he looked up at me.
<This planet will blow in under five minutes. The Yeerks will get
hit badly, but you....> He slumped to one side. He was too tired to
morph. I was going to lose him.
'Aximili...' I said and put his arm around my neck. 'We've got to get out of here.'
<To quote a very bad Earth science program,> he said, smiling faintly,
<It is too late for me.... my child.>
I buried my face in his shoulder. He smelled like sawdust and bird feathers.
'We're going to die here, and I killed you,' I whispered.
<No, you didn't.> Was his voice soothing or was it just me?
<I killed us. I am.... evil.>
I run my palm along his face, feeling the odd tingle we always got.
<Goodbye, Carter.> He closed his eyes and drifted into eternal sleep.
'No!' I cried. 'NO!' I began to cry again. Then I lifted my face up, my
vision obscured with tears. 'Oh, mother, help me!'
A white cloud, pinpoints of light, began to build up in front of me.
'Why didn't you ask before?'
I fainted.

I walked through a hall of pure light. So this is what it's like to be dead,
I smiled, faintly. The hall had pillars, and light was coming from everywhere, even me.
A figure stepped out from behind a pillar. It was like looking in a mirror,
except her features were softer, and her eyes older.
My mother.
'Daughter,' she said and I ran to her. She caught me in her arms and hugged me.
'Oh, mother,' I said. 'Am I dead?'
Mother shook her head. 'You're in the Upper Place, Carter. The watching-place.'
'Is Aximili here?' I asked hopefully.
She shook her head. 'Aximili has gone Beyond.'
I tried to cry, but I couldn't. Figures of light can't cry.
Mother led me behind the pillars, and I saw why they called this the 'upper place'.
Thousands of planets were below us, and we could see their profile, and strangely,
see them close up and far away and at all angles at once.
'What are we, Xana?' I ask in wonder.
'Ellimists.'
I do a double-take. 'What??'
'We take infinite time to evolve into Ellimists. But we finally will, when our
bodies die and we learn at the Upper Place.'
I shudder. 'So that's the purpose of our life, mother? To evolve?'
Mother laughs warmly and kisses my forehead. 'Mine, maybe. But not yours.
You have a far greater duty, my child.'
'What?'
Mother points to a blue, green and gray planet far off in the distance.
'That's your new home, Carter.'
'No!' I say immediately. 'People are bad. People hurt you and violate
you and scream and war and-'
Mother touches my forehead gently. 'This will be a new life. A great one.
I watch you, you know.'
'Why didn't you help me?' I ask, deeply hurt. 'All the times I was
dying inside?'
'I couldn't help you. We do not interfere.'
I groan. 'You're an Ellimist already.'
'Now, I'm sending you there, and you're going.'
'No.' I begin to back away, against a pillar. 'I don't
want to! I won't!'
Mother takes my hand roughly. She has a very strong grip.
'Come on, Carter.'
Unwillingly, I follow her into the portal she creates. To my
destiny. To my new life.
This is it.....

_____________________________

Epilogue

I breathe deeply. Too deeply. I begin to cough.
_For Elfangor's sake, child,_ Mother says, amused.
_Don't call me that!_
_Too soon you'll learn what it is to be denied, Carter. You are my child.
Do not deny it. One day you'll know the pain of being denied...._
_Shyeah, right, mother. I'm never having children. Look where it landed you._
_Be nice._
I sigh and walk through the swirling, white vortex. Soon,
the mist clears, and I'm where?
I'm standing in front of a door. _What do I do?_ I wailed. _Where am I?_
_You're in your new home, Carter. The world of stories. This settlement
has come from other worlds, other stories, other lives. They've all been
stranded here, like you. They remember the Animorphs in every way possible.
You must join them._
_Mother..... this sounds screwed._
_Yes, it is._ For some inane reason, mother smiles.
_What?_
_Just enter. Oh, and you might need a new name.
And a new personality._
_What are you saying about my personality?_
_I'm saying you're as abrasive as acid. And people remember that.
I don't want to ruin your new life by having people from your old life recognize you._
_I love your faith in me._
I put my hand on the knob and open it.
A large, sunny room. More like a tiny house. The roof goes up
into dark, wooden rafters.
There's a kitchen in the corner, a large computer console, wooden
floor with a bright carpet. And people!
Swarming with people! And... not people. Humans by the score.
The oldest seems to be about 35.
A girl is sitting down on the floor, hastily writing. And a.... horse?
A green-brown horse, with wings, whinnies in the corner, having a long
conversation with a black-haired male at the computer console. As I look
at him closer, I can see he's just a hologram. A Chee. I dismiss him. Chee
are peaceful and kind. This one wouldn't hurt me.
A female Andalite is talking to what looks like a tiger mixed with a girl.
A ....dragon... is laughing with a girl with a hearing aid. Everyone is laughing
and chatting. No tears. Maybe Mother was right in sending me here.
_Of course I am, sweet love. This was your destiny._
_I just wish....._
_I know._
And then.... a girl. Jagrey's shadow in her eyes. I shudder,
remembering that I am a murderer and a piece of filth.
And then Ryan.... oh, Gods....
_Carter...._
_Shush, mother._
Heads turn. The girl on the floor shimmers and she's a cobra.
Fantastic. <Hi,> she smiles. <Who're you?>
I resist Mother's punny suggestion at calling myself, 'Garnet Dian. Call me Gar.'
'I'm Guardian,' I say firmly. Then, an audible click,
and Mother is gone.
A young, brown-haired man comes up to me and smiles.
'Hi, Guardian. I'm Alex.'

That's how it happened, Alex Mien, brother mine. You done now?

Thus starts history. I met Alicorn, SilverDragon, Tygress and the rest, who in turn led me to Chee-Dolus, which sparked (Literally; there were a lot of explosions) a chain of events leading to my own half-brother, Alex, and more importantly, my daughter, Katherine Marie Miene.

Keep this well, Alex. One day I may not be able to tell it to you from my mouth.

-Carter Aximili Miene, your big sis and friend

__________________________________

I don't even want to know how many songs I butchered. None of 'em were mine.
Want to go back?
_