Warning:
This fanfic will offend Bill Gates,
Americans, George Lucas, Animorph fans,
Jello lovers, people who watch T.V, people who eat rice cakes,
people who like Elvis, people who like old movies,
people who like the letter Q, people who are politically correct,
people who like lavender, people who like monkeys, people who
like beans, people who like George Harris, people who like
George Harris eating beans, and intelligent people everywhere.

_____________________________

Somewhere, not that far away, and not that interesting either,
two people sat gazing in a mix of horror and curiosity at a bowl.....
<Is this edible, friend Tobias?>
<They say it is.> The hawk hopped over to the green, shiny
jello in the plate.
<What is it's composition?>
Tobias looked at the paper box the goo came in.
<Uh....Polydexatrose, Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil, Modified
Stabiliser Starch, Aspartame and Carbo-Tapioca-Droxygenates.>
<What does that translate into?>
<Whole lot of crap in a bowl.> Tobias poked it with his beak.
It wiggled dangerously.
Axelrose-Eggnog-Ithmus put his hand in the bowl and began to
aquire the Jell-O.
<Ax? That's not a good idea.>
Axelrose finished aquiring it and began to morph.
<That is really not a good idea.> Tobias thought for a moment.
<Hey! Jell-O doesn't have DNA!>
The author coughed into it's hand. 'Plot hole.'
<Already? Oh, man, this fanfic is going to suck.>
Tobias watched in wonder as Ax melted into a hideous green mass.
The Jell-O began to ooze towards Tobias.
<Ax?>
The Jell-O still oozed.
<Ax? I don't think you have control.>
The Jell-O began to slither up Tobias' talons.
He tried to fly away, but he was stuck.
<AAAAGHHHH!!> cried Tobias as he was imbibed into the hideous goo.
Then, for him, everything went dark.............
 

He woke up in a strange room. Tobias looked at his hands- or
what wasn't his hands. His hands were hawk. So was the rest of him,
because if you have hawk talons there is a good chance the rest
of you is hawk. Unless, of course, you're some kind of freak, like
Pat Buchanan.
Tobias stared at the harsh metal surfaces.  If he were Marco, he'd
probably be going insane with pleasure overload with all the
reflective metal....
A bright flash in the centre of the room broke his chain of thought.
Light swirled around like those swirly around light-things you get
in fanfics like these, before coalescing into a single form.
<Elfhelper-Signalflare-Shameful!> Tobias gasped.
That's right, Elfhelper.
Elfhelper seemed to have aquired some....new adornments.
His Andalite head was obscured by a large black helmet,
from which breathing came rythmically and in a wheezy sort of way.
Flowing from around his neck was a black cape, which had unfortunately
gotten itself tangled in Elfhelper's hooves.  And to cap it off,
Elfhelper now wore stylish black gloves.
It was a totally new Elfhelper!  In fact, if it hadn't been
for the 'Hi!  My Name is Elfhelper!' badge, Tobias wouldn't have
recognised him.
<Tobias.....Elfhelper never told you what happened to your father...>
<No, he didn't - hey, YOU are Elfhelper!  Why would you need to say
a dumb thing like that?>
<Good point.  I'll try another line.  'the Ellimist never told you
what happened to your father!'> Elfhelper tried.
<He told me enough!  He told me YOU killed him!> Tobias said,
suddenly realising that he was lying and the Ellimist had told
him no such thing.
<You're lying, Tobias.  The Ellimist told you no such thing.>
Elfhelper supplied.
<Dammit, this conversation is heading for the same place Chester's
brain resides in - wherever THAT may be.>
Tobias was beginning to get agitated.
<Allright, Elfhelper, you've suddenly appeared here and now you are
plying me with incredibly vague statements about my father.
And why are you wearing that stupid mask?>
<It seemed like a good idea when I bought it,> Elfhelper admitted.
<But anyway, I'll get on with what I was saying.>.
Elfhelper swirled his black cape dramatically around for effect.
<Tobias, I am->
<What? What?>
<Tobias, I am the guy who gave you morphing powers in Book #1,
the Invasion! I just thought you'd like to know.>
<You are? Oh, my Go- Hold on! I already know that!>
<You do? Okay. Bye.> Elfhelper coalesced into the swirly-light thingy
again and flew up into the roof.
<Wait!>  Tobias cried. <You never told me if you were a good witch
or a bad witch!>
Suddenly, a brick flew out of nowhere and hit him on the head.
<Aah! Brick out of nowhere!> Tobias screamed and everything,
instead of going black, went a pretty shade of fuschia.
<Eww! Fuschia!> Tobias said and sat up. He was staring at
Marco's shirt.
'Tobias! We found you sitting here encased in a
Jell-O bowl!' Marco said.
Tobias hopped to a standing position. <Where's Ax?>
Chester shrugged. 'I haven't seen him. That Jell-O
on the floor was nice,
though. Andalite flavor!'
Tobias went as pale as a red-tailed Hawk could go.
(Author's note: which isn't very pale)
<Oh my God, you ate Axelrose!  You BASTARD!>  Losing control,
Tobias began to furiously peck at Chester's stomach.
Chester, unable to take such violent disruption, promptly
blew green, jelly-ish chunks all over the room.
They were rather shiny and reflective, as Marco was quick to note.
Then, in a scene oddly reminscent of a much more well-done one in
'Terminator 2', the jello pieces began to move to the centre
of the room,
where they re-coalesced into a green-ish blob of jello.
Tobias once again went pale. <Oh no, not again!>
The Jell-O coalesced into a strange, humanoid form,
and broke open to reveal....
Yasmine Bleeth!
<Preeeeetttyyyy,> Tobias said, his eyes rolling around
in a disconcerting fashion.
The Jell-O pieces moulded themselves up around Yasmine Bleeth
and out fell Axelrose again.
<Damnit! I want Yasmine!>
<Sorry, friend Tobias.> Ax stuck his hand down Chester's
throat and got out another oozing piece of Jell-O.
He attached it to his head, and it grew into a stalk eye. <Better.>
Axelrose quickly killed Chester with a slab of butter.
<I never want to get eaten again, so I'll dispose of him.
Any objections?>
'Isn't it a little late for objections?' Cassie asked,
cleaning out an empty cage.
<I suppose so.> Ax held Chester's head in one hand. <Alas,
poor Chester, I knew him well.......>
'Eewww! Put that down!' Marco squeaked shrilly.
Jake threw the head into a bin. 'There lies Chester, gone,
but not forgotten until the next stupid character the author
throws into this stupid fic.'
The author kicked Jake's butt into sometime next Tuesday.
'Crap!' said someone from Sometime next Tuesday.
A whole lot of elves blew into the room and began to sing,
'Jake is gone! Jake is gone!
This is why we sing this song!
The writer he annoyed, our credit cards our void! Jake is gone!'
At this, they won a Grammy award and promptly combusted.
<That was pointless,> said a bald eagle, coming into the barn.
'So is this fanfic, Rachel,' said Cassie, not looking up.
<Touche.> She looked at Tobias. <Can I talk to you?> She asked
privately.
Tobias' eyes lit up like a dessicated corpse thrown in a fire.
<Sure! Coming!>
He flew at top speed over the heads of the others, not caring
how many bleeding gashes he left.
'What's his problem?' Chester asked, picking his head up out
of the bin.
Axelrose rolled his eyes. <Rachel beckons.>
Chester reattached his head. 'Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, say no more,
guv'nor, say no more! Rachel, eh? Hmmmmmm, wonder what they're doi-'
Axelrose got tired of Chester's empty, cockney-accented leers
and promptly cut his head off.
'Awww,' the head groaned.
Rachel walked off with Tobias. <So, what did you want to talk about,
Rachel?> he asked eagerly.
Rachel's eyes opened wide, in an innocent, breathless kind of
way. 'Well, Tobias, this is really important. You see- Look!
A small, androgenous animal up a tree!'
<Can I eat it?>
'NO! It's a small, helpless animal!' Rachel climbed up the
tree and fetched it. 'Well, you see, Tobias, what I really
meant to talk to you about was-'
A tree fell and squashed him flat.
'Oh, did that hurt?' she asked, picking up the huge tree and
throwing it away.
<No,> he lied. Then he stopped. <Hey, how'd you get so strong?>
'Mom's making me take modelling courses. If I want to become a
supermodel, I have to- well, why do you think they call them
supermodels? Anyway, this is really important, so listen carefully.
Now-'
A helicopter hovered overhead, completely blocking out what she said.
They both stared at the sudden helicopter-out-of-nowhere.
It was a pitch black colour, not unlike the helicopter that
chased Mulder and Scully in that X-Files movie when they're
in the cornfield.  What made this occurance stranger was that
the barn was gone and Tobias and Rachel were standing, as she
noted, next to a corn field.
<Uh-oh....the idiot has done it again!> Tobias groaned.
'Errr, done what again?' Rachel asked, suddenly feeling dumb.
<Chester has been playing with one of Ax's shiny devices again!.
We've been sucked into the X-Files movie!>.
'Ohhh dear.  Did you see that movie?'
<How the hell would I have?  I'm a hawk, remember?  I can't exactly
walk into a theatre and ask for a ticket.  Been there, done that,
got the t-shirt.>
'Why don't you just morph into a human?'
<There are two main problems with that.  The first is, its logical.
The number one rule of this fanfic series is that logic should
not apply.  The second rule is somewhat worse.  You see, you
all have morphing suits.  I don't.  When I morph out from a hawk
to a human, I don't have a suit on.> Tobias' eyes suddenly lit
up like fairy lights. <How you all manage to keep your composure
looking at me naked is somewhat beyond me, as was how I managed to
get into your award ceremony naked.  Come to think of it, it hasn't
been mentioned me wearing clothes in a human morph OR getting around
this problem.>
A large crack in the fabric of space-time opened up above the pair
(and the ignored helicopter, which was running out of gasoline).
Out of it fell all the members of the net-community who are Tobias
fans, who immediately began protesting about this screw-up
(except for the grosser ones who liked the fact that he wasn't
wearing much, and that was about one third).
'Hey! They can't be here! Get them OUT!' The author screamed.
The author clapped, and they all disappeared.
Tobias, having suddenly and illogically morphed back to human, stared.
'Run!' screamed Rachel in a cliched way. They ran, the helicopter
following them.
'So we're Mulder and Scully,' Tobias puffed as he ran along.
'Yeah...... the truth is out there,' Rachel said, running faster.
Tobias, even though he was out of breath, brightened.
'Weren't they supposed to have a big making-out scene in that movie?'
'Hope not. Imagine the things we might have to do!'
'Okay,' Tobias smiled, and imagined all the things they would
probably have to do (and that he would enforce).
Then, ironically, Chester pushed the 'fix rip' button and they
were back in the woods.
<DAMN YOU, CHESTER!> Tobias, now hawk, wept.
Rachel brushed herself off. 'That was exciting. Not.'
<Okay, tell me the thing you wanted to tell me,> Tobias pressed.
Rachel looked blank. 'Oops. I forgot. Sorry. Let's go back.'
The hawk began banging his head against the tree.

Somewhere Else, Which Could Have Been Somewhere In Canada,
But Since That Would Be Strange, Was Not Canada But Somewhere Else,
Which Was.......

<NOOO!> screamed Visser Three. He bashed his hand against the wall.
<Not again! They said they were going to cancel it! I paid them to
cancel it! But they didn't! God help me!!!>
But God didn't, as he had friends in at the time and anyway, Visser
Three hadn't bribed him recently which he usually did in times of need.
'What's wrong, Your Most Wonderfully High Gracious Niceness Personage
Majesty?' a nearby underling grovelled.
Visser Three flicked him a few bills. <I've been invited to the annual
Visser's Convention! All Vissers have to go. Usually, it's so
undescribably horrible I fake death to get out of it. But then
they don't pay me, so I have to go!>
'Take maternity leave.'
<Do I look pregnant to you?>
The underling thought about answering that truthfully, but instead
he said that Visser Three looked great.
Visser Three pinched his stomach. <You're only saying that to
make me feel better.>
'I'm not! You look great. You always look great. You could win
a prize for sheer greatness. You're underweight, too.'
<Underweight?!> Visser Three swore and killed the underling.
A new, fresh one replaced him.
<It's my turn to carpool, too. Damn these conventions!>
'Visser One has to go as well,' the underling reminded him.
Visser Three brightened at the fact she would have to endure it too.
He looked at the paper. <It's on Earth. I just hate Earth.
It's so.... so......>
'Earthy?'
<That's not what I was going to say!> Visser Three killed the
underling and replaced it with a toy monkey that smoked.
<You understand me, don't you?>
The monkey blew off smoke.
<I knew you would. Now, for the convention......>
The monkey blew off another puff of smoke.
<Great idea, Monkey! But I can't send them, they're too decorative.>
Visser Three peered out at the Hoot-And-Jeers, who, after all
these months, were still dancing around an empty butterfly net
singing, 'We have the Animorphs!' He shuddered at the thought of
another two years of parading.
The monkey continued to sit there and give Visser Three passive
smoker's cough.
<No, Monkey, even if I cough up enough gunk to drown the entire
Visser's convention, it still won't get me out of it.> He shuddered,
remembering last year's convention where he had gotten drunk and
made a pass at a Visser who although then had looked like an
attractive female was actually a Yeerk-Controlled male. That,
and he had lost his mood ring in the process.
The monkey blew again.
<Oh, damn, Monkey! You're right! What if he IS there this year?>
Visser Three cried. In his distress, he ate a piece of the floor
with his hoof.
Monkey calmly smoked.
<Oh, yes, I should stop worrying. I'll have a look at the Vissers
I'm carpooling with. Well, at least I'm not carpooling with Visser
One!> The Andalite Controller went pale. <TOUCH WOOD!> he screamed
over the intercom system.
Everyone in his blade ship made a rush for an unfortunate human
who was whittling a stick. He was squashed flat by a couple of
Taxmen and some
Hoot-and-Jeers all rushing to get at the stick to protect their
Visser from bad luck.
Monkey blew a smoke ring.
<Oh, you are right, Monkey. There's no such thing as luck.>
Visser Three looked out the window at the stars.
<I've got a bad feeling about this,> he said, waving around a
lightsaber, shoving a Taxman in carbonite AND dumping a cargo of
spice.

George Lucas was in the board room when it happened.
A board manager was describing something to him.
'Well, you see, Mr Lucas, if we invest our stocks-'
He sat upright. 'I feel a disturbance in the copyright
infringement policy!'
'Oh, God, not again,' one of the board members sighed.
'Well, yes, Mr Lucas, but-'
'Someone just ripped me off!' He stood up and sounded an alarm.
'But sir-'
'Quiet, you! We need my lawyers! May the sue be with us!'
The board manager sat down and groaned.

Back In The Barn Which Isn't In Canada Incidentally But
Could Be In A Pinch

'Hiya, everybody!' drawled Jake, coming into the barn.
'Hi, Doctor Jake!' chanted everyone.
'Is it next Tuesday already?' the writer wondered.
Jake looked around. 'Chester, Cassie, Ax, Marco. Where's
Tobias and Rachel?'
'They're not here, sir,' said Chester, polishing Jake's boots.
'Hmm,' boomed Jake. He looked at Chester. 'Lick harder, boy.
I want to see my face in those when you're done!'
'Hey, why is everyone sucking up to you, Jake?' asked Rachel,
coming inside.
'I told them that the author would give them a pay rise.'
'But they don't get paid!'
'Don't tell them that. It would just confuse the issue.
Where's Tobias?'
'He said he was going to bang his head on a tree for a while.
He'll be back soon.' Rachel sat down on a hay bale.
'Hey, have you seen that movie?'
'What movie?' Cassie asked.
'The X-Files one.'
'Let's go see it. I've got nothing better to do today,' Jake said.
Marco frowned. 'I was going to give my hair a deep rinse,
rub avocado over my face, take a mud bath, pumice my-'
'You can do that anytime, Marco. You do that before bed,
anyway,' noted Jake.
'Yeah, but tonight I was going to an electrolysis session
with my beautician.'
Rachel sighed. 'Marco, just come see the movie.'
'Can I go?' asked Chester excitedly.
Everyone looked at each other. <Sorry, Chester,> Ax spoke up.
<You got banned last time because of what you did.>
Chester slumped.
<You should be used to it. You're banned most places.>
'I can have fun by myself, you see if I don't!' he fumed
and went into town.
Jake rolled his eyes. 'Let's hope he gets run over.'
<He probably will. He likes playing in the road.> Tobias
flew in and landed on a rafter.
'Come on, Tobias. We're going to see the X-Files movie.'
Tobias looked at the author. <Please? Can I go, huh? Pretty
please with a cherry on top?>
The author sighed and raised the Logic Barrier slightly.
'Okay, let's go,' said Jake heartily. He could have said it
brainily. Or spleenily. Or liverily, but those organs aren't as
good-sounding as 'heartily' and that's what counts, except in
major surgery.
 

In Visser Three's Blade Ship, Which Not In A Pinch,
Even With Special Effects Or A Smoke Machine Be
Believed Canada Except By Those In The South

Visser Three looked at the five Vissers in front of him and glared.
<Why couldn't you have gone in your own ships?>
'Because it's a car pool, and carpooling makes for less pollution,'
said the Hoot-and-Jeer Visser Twenty-Five brightly.
'Pollution? Is that a disease or a syndrome, wot?' asked the
confused Visser Eleventy-One, who happened to inhabit a human
aptly named Tim Nicebutdim.
'Shouldn't it really be a ship-pool?' asked Visser Forty-Three.
'I mean, we are in ships.' He scratched the arm of his host, Bob Saget.
'Carpool sounds better,' disagreed the Taxman Visser Fifty-Six.
'Maybe we should be in Pool Ships,' human Visser Fourteen mused.
(Author's Note: Incidentally, the Yeerks were so superstitious
that there was no Visser Thirteen. There was of course the
Council of Thirteen, but they were untouched by superstition
and old wives' tales. At least, that was what they pompously
told everyone.)
'Then it would be a Pool-Pool, stupid,' Visser Forty-Three jeered.
'Don't call me stupid, Home Video man!' retorted Fourteen.
Visser Three groaned inwardly. <Why did I have to be stuck with
the stupid, low-ranking Vissers?> They were all crammed in his
office, and since every Visser simply had to bring their armies,
they came too. He looked out the office window to see his special
army of red-and-black Hoot-and-Jeers playing tag with the others'
armies on the bridge. <No touching the strange Hoot-and-Jeers!
You might catch something!> he told his army sharply. They stopped
playing for a moment, then resumed when he turned his back.
The normal Hoot-and-Jeers weaved their way around them, skipping
and pretending to catch invisible things and screaming,
'Animorphs! Animorphs! We have the Animorphs!'
'I say, could you stop that?' Visser Eleventy-One was
saying to his monkey. 'It causes melting of the bone
marrow, you know. Or was it the ovaries? Maybe the
gall bladder.'
'Lungs,' Twenty-Five said knowingly.
'Spleen.'
'No, no, I'm sure it's the liver. Then you go apricot and
your eyes fall-'
<Monkey can smoke if he want to! He's a Visser, you know.>
'Him? He seems awfully small for one, old chap. Or is that
the police? You have to be tall to get in the police. Why,
I once tried to join the police, and-'
<The Council voted to make him one this morning, since he's so
much smarter than you,> Visser Three said snidely.
Eleventy-One blinked. 'I never was one for brains. I couldn't
remember my tables. But as for tennis, well, I was grand-'
Visser Twenty-Five did everyone a favor by knocking him out.
Visser Three sighed with relief. 'He'll be awake by the time
we get to Earth,' Twenty-Five was saying. 'Then we can place
him in a corner.'
'No, the middle of the room. He'll get trampled there.'
'No, on the ceiling! He'll fall.'
'How on earth did you ever get to be a Visser? How are we
supposed to get on the ceiling?'
'You're the Hoot-and-Jeer. Jump!'
There was a pause. 'I can't. I've sprained my knee.'
'Oh, you big liar, you! You're just saying that because
you're a coward.'
'Actually, I think he can't-'
'Shut up, Fourteen! This isn't your business!'
'Don't talk to me like that, you-'
Monkey blew a puff of smoke.
'Oh, you're right, Monkey,' Visser Fifty-Six said happily.
'We shouldn't argue, this being the Vissers convention and all.'
(Author's note:  Ha!  And I bet you thought only Vissy 3
could understand him 'cause he was insane!  Teeheehee!)
Visser Fourteen blinked away a tear. 'Group hug!'
The awwww track went as Vissers Fifty-Six, Twenty-Five,
Fourteen and Forty-Three hugged. It was a strange sight,
because Taxmen were not meant to hug humans. Nor were Hoot-and-Jeers.
Visser Three made a loud gagging noise as he was wont to do.
He quickly found a parking space at the back of the convention
centre by shoving Visser One's blade ship in the 'Tow Away' space.
Grinning evilly, he walked to the door with the others (who were
lugging Visser Eleventy-One) and stopped by the door. All the
Sub-Vissers were having a fun time outside, since they got to
have an outside party and a Slip'n'Slide to keep them happy
and out of everyone else's way. Already, they were setting up
a long rubber mat and the Sub-Vissers were squealing with excitement.
The bouncer took one look and let them in. Visser Fourteen took a
quick, terrified look inside and shook his head. 'I can't go in!'
<Why not?> Visser Three asked tiredly.
'Someone's wearing the same hat as me,' he whispered, pointing
to his hat stacked with fruit, flowers and a fake dove.
Visser Three removed the hat and flung it to a Sub-Visser,
who screamed with glee and began to eat it. <Now go in before
I kill you!>
Fourteen submissively went in.
Visser Three sighed and weaved his way to the chairs reserved
for the top Vissers, one to ten. Visser One raised a cool eyebrow.
'Look, here comes Visser Three, otherwise known as Visser Failure.'
The other Vissers giggled nervously. Visser Three sighed and set
down Monkey on a chair. <Comical, Visser One. How long did it
take you to think up that one?>
'That wounds me.'
<I hoped it would. Oh, and incidentally,
I saw your ship parked in the Tow Away section.
How very stupid of you.>
Her eyes flicked open and she ran outside.
Visser Three whacked his tail on the stage the
chairs were placed on. <Quiet!>
The Vissers went to their chairs quietly.
<First off, Vissers Twelve, Ninety-Two, Twenty-Seven
and One Hundred and Seventeen regret not being here
but they are unfortunately dead. Also, Visser One seems
to have vanished, so you didn't see her here and she doesn't
get paid. That clear?>
'I saw her a moment ago,' protested a Taxman.
Visser Three pulled out a Dracon gun and shot him.
<Did anyone else see Visser One?>
Everyone shook their heads.
<Good. Now, this is the Visser's convention.
All of you are ignorant fools who don't know
anything about leadership and think that Andalites are
special kinds of flashlights. This convention is so we can all
say we at least tried with you.>
The Vissers clapped politely.
'Don't be so hard on 'em, ole hound dawg,' murmured Visser Two,
who happened to be Elvis. He chomped on a chicken wing.
'Yeah! They don't know what we know!' piped Visser Five, who was
a large purple and green dinosaur with an inane voice.
'Well, whatever they do know, I didn't have sex with Monica Lewinsky,'
persisted Visser Eight.
'Oh, shut up about that,' said an irritated Visser in the end seat.
Visser Three glared at them both.
After gabbing for about twelve minutes until everyone was asleep,
the Vissers got bored and headed off to the bar.
Whilst a couple of Sub-Vissers played musical instruments (badly)
and sang favourite numbers, such as 'Just Gotta Hate Those Andalites',
'Damn, Andalites Are Stupid' and 'Andalites, Muahaha!' the vissers
gathered around trying to get themselves as drunk as possible.
Visser Three looked at the bartender. <Visser Four?>
'Yeah, got stuck with bar duty this year. Want some fruit juice?
It's good for you.'
Visser Three looked at the Hoot-and-Jeer.
'Okay, okay.' The Hoot poured him something dark.
Monkey puffed on the stool next to him.
<I know it's not good for me, but it passes the time, Monkey.>
'Coo-ee!' a falsetto voice rang out. A human male wearing a
lavender shirt and loose pants came jingling towards him. He
almost passed out from the perfume.
'Why, it's my old friend Visser Three! We met at last year's
convention. You know, the one on the Homeworld?'
Visser Three went pale.
'Oh, you remember me! Visser Sixty-Nine! We had a very interesting
meeting!' Visser Sixty-Nine fluttered his eyelashes. 'Won't you
introduce me to your dah-ling friend here, Vissy?'
Visser Three closed his eyes and opened them slowly.
Monkey puffed.
'Oh, why, that's soooo amusing!' The man giggled.
He hopped onto the stool next to monkey and looked at
Visser Three seductively. 'Would you like to continue the
conversation we were having last time, Vissy?'
Visser Three ran away.
'He really wants to take it somewhere private,' Visser Sixty-Nine
smirked, and began to follow. 'Yoohoo! I'm coming, sweetie!'
Monkey blew a ring.
'Damn, you're right,' sighed Visser Four. 'I feel sorry for him, too.'

In A Place Which Certainly Wasn't Canada But Might Have Been If
Canada Was This Place

Chester WAS having fun. Damn, was he having fun! He betted
he was having more fun than anyone else in the whole entire world!
He splashed his hands down in the mud puddle. 'Aah! Oh, no, Super
Chester! I'm drowning! Don't worry, I'll save you!' He splashed
everywhere.
Suddenly, he spotted a helium balloon bobbing down to him. His
eyes brightened. 'Ballooonnn!'
He touched his hand to it and, a moment later, he was soaring
into the sky.
<Wheeee,> he said to himself. Damn, was he having fun!
He floated around until his helium began to make him sag, lower,
and lower, until he floated into a window and into a room.
He demorphed and looked around.
Opening the door, he saw hundreds of bored-looking Hoot-and-Jeers,
humans, Taxmen and a few weirdo aliens never seen in Animorphs but
that had wandered off an X-Files set. 'I will save the Earth!
I will destroy the Yeerks!' he muttered in his best heroic tone
(which wasn't very good- he sounded like he was an advertisement
for Malibu Barbie) and slowly morphed into his latest, most
powerful battle morph- a llama.
<Die, Yeerks!> he yelled and ran into the room.
Almost immediately he was set on about 100 Hoot-and-Jeers.
<Take that!> he yelled and spat on one.
'Ewwwww! Llama spit!' the Hoot-and-Jeer yelled and went to wash.
He was losing, and even though he was Chester, he knew it. He was
running out of saliva.
<I die for the Earth! I die for honor! I also die for Froot Loops,
those tasty loops of sugar!>
Suddenly, the door opened and 10,000 lawyers poured out all chanting,
'Sue them! Sue them!'
One of the lawyers jumped over to the Hoot-and-Jeer orchestra,
gave them new sheet music and then bade them to play.
A lifting Star Wars (tm, copywrite Lucasfilm 1977, 1981, 1983.
The words 'star', 'wars', ' Lucasfilm, 'George', 'Lucas', 'the',
and the letter P are used here without the consent or knowledge
of Lucasfilm, and this fanfiction should not be viewed by them.
So if you know someone who works for Lucasfilm, DON'T SHOW THEM THIS,
BY CRIMINY!) song spewed merrily from the instruments of the
orchestra.  In a blaze of light, sound and specially re-enhanced
special effects, George Lucas strode into the room.  Next to him
hovered several small CG droids who, allthough they were not present
in the original version of his entry, had been specially inserted
into this sequence to make it more enjoyable and fufill Lucas'
vision for this entry.
<Keen beans!!  Golly-gee, how do you keep your eyelashes so waxed
Mr. Lucas?> Chester asked.
One of the CG robots whacked him.
The head lawyer, wearing a foreboding black suit and wielding a
deadly suitcase, bowed.  'Welcome, my master.'
'Will they pay us?'
'They will pay us, or lose their shirts, pants and investment
capital, my master.'
George strode purposely up to Visser Two, took out a large
cheesecake and force-fed the Elvis-controller.
'Ahhhhhh!  Not Cheesecake!' Elvis screamed in horror.
'You have payed the price for your lack of vision!' George cackled.
Whilst this was going on, the other lawyers faithfully began
litigation against the Vissers.  When approaching Visser Eight,
the controller suddenly began crying falsely.
'I did not have sex with Monica Lewinsky!'  For this, the lawyer
sued the pants off him.  The head lawyer looked on in disdain.
'I find your lack of pants disturbing,' He growled.
With that, the plaintiffs moved into full swing.
All the Vissers immediately got the pants sued offa them, and
because they weren't wearing any pants, they ran out of the room
in fright. The lawyers gave evil laughs, and followed.
Chester stood in the middle of the room and gave a llama bark. He
had won!
The Yeerks were vanquished! He was the only one!
Suddenly, a whole lot of pretty girls in llama costumes jumped to
him and began to sing:
'Chester, Chester the mighty,
He's great, especially with cheese!
Chester, Chester the mighty,
Watch out, or he'll spit on your knees!'
<Thank you, thank you,> Chester told them and they vanished back
into his imagination.
He morphed back into his human shape, which wasn't much prettier
than the llama, and walked outside- a man, a llama.

Outside Which Wasn't Canada So Just Believe Me When I Say So

'I repeat: I did not get it,' Tobias was saying.
'Tobias! I told you! Mulder and Scully go and-'
'Well, I liked Scully,' Jake was saying above Rachel, 'but she's
not as cute as you, my gorgeous little Cassie wuggle-snuggums!'
'Course not, my Jakey-wakey hugglepuff!'
Everyone immediately threw both him and Cassie into a trash compactor.
'I have decided to throw away my running gag about not being
able to speak properly,' Ax said.
'Why, Ax? Everyone gave laughs when you did that.' Marco said.
'Yes, but now I am being rejected for large stud movies. My fans
are annoyed.
They all want to see me with my clothes ripped off.'
'Ax, you're an Andalite. You don't wear clothes.'
'I do when I'm human,' he said smugly and immediately a fan came
out, ripped his shirt and fainted.
'That happens so often,' he sighed.
'Hey. Lookie!' said Rachel. 'Chester, outside, without a leash!'
'Isn't that illegal?'
Chester walked up to them proudly. 'I went in to the hall, and
there was this Visser convention, so I morphed, and took 'em ALL out!
And, like twenty
Hoot-and-Jeers one side of me, twenty on the-'
'Chester, go home and go back to sleep.'
'But I really did, Rachel! And I defeated them all, and I-'
Rachel picked him up and threw him into the horizon, whilst he
squealed miserably.
'There goes a liar and an idiot,' Tobias stated solemnly.
For effect, the laugh track, the awww track AND the woooooooo
track all went.
'Rachel! The 'wooooo' track! Doesn't that mean we have to-'
A bank safe fell on him.
'Tobias! Are you okay?' Rachel lifted the safe off and threw it
onto a pedestrian.
'Why do I bother?' he wheezed.

Visser Three ran into the convention hall and locked the door
behind him.
<Can't....find......here,> he panted.
Then he looked around. <People?>
He sniffed. <Okay, did someone fart? Are you hiding? Did Kathy
Lee Gifford come inside?>
A nearby TV screen flickered to life next to him for some unknown
reason.  A smarmy looking Vegas showhost immediately filled the screen.
'And now, all the way from Nevada, please welcome those fabulous
singing brutes, THE DANCING HOOT-AND-JEEEEEEEEEEERS!!!'
The audience stated clapping and cheering, as Visser Three looked
on in shock.
'We've got the Animorphs, we've got the Animorphs, yes yes yes we do!'
The Hoot-and-Jeers danced around a large, very shiny butterfly net.
Visser Three swiped his tail in fury, and the set exploded.
He then wearily collapsed at the bar, looking for anyone left.
He found someone.
Monkey sat, puffing on a stool.
<Monkey! At least you didn't abandon me!>
The Monkey let out three rings in perfect time.
<Why no, I forgot your nickotine gum.  But that doesn't
matter, you can't chew anyway.>
He picked up Monkey. <Come on, Monkey, let's go home.>
 

FIN