Anidumbpeople 1.5

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It was a normal day. That is, it would have been normal if
Chester A. Arthur hadn't looked in his packet of Cracker Jax and discovered....
(insert ominous music) something awful. Terrible.
Power to change the world.
He reached inside and pulled out a-
'Wait! Wait!' Yelled Chester, interrupting everything.
'What is it this time, Chester?' the author asked wearily.
He pulled out the cube. 'This is a Rubix cube, not the morphing cube!'
'Okay. Kill the prop person!'
Another prop person died.
'On with the fic!'
So they did and Chester pulled out the blue cube.
'Shiny!' Chester muttered. He liked the shiny.
He put a piece of string around the cube and wore it around his
neck for a 60's look. 'Shiny!' he said.
He walked out the door and in a perfectly contrived way, Marco
walked past. Marco liked the shiny too. It made such a beautiful
reflection.
'Shiny,' Marco said. Then he realized. The Blue Morphine Cube!
'Where did you get that cube?' he demanded.
Chester shrugged. 'I found it in a box of Cracker Jax.'
'Keen beans!' yelled Jake excitedly, somehow popping up from nowhere.
'I want it!' Marco said.
'My shiny!' Chester hissed.
'But it shows me.........and I'm so beautiful!' Marco whined.
Chester just walked on by. It was in the script.
Jake walked beside Marco. 'Don't worry. I'm always here for you.'
Marco frothed at the mouth. 'I need my own space, Jake! You're
crowding me!'
Jake staggered. 'You're seeing someone else, aren't you?'
Marco drew himself up. He did this because he couldn't draw himself
very well down. 'Yes! I love Tom Cruise's Character from 'Top Gun!'
Didn't you see the beautiful relfective sunglasses he wore?
Why, I could see myself as plain as day!'
Jake tried to think up a really scathing comment for that,
but he couldn't.
He wished he was Rachel. Rachel always seemed to have tonnes
of one-liners to use on Marco. Well, it didn't matter right now.
He was a Leader, and Leaders were always the ones who thought up
the brilliant plans, got all the credit and the beautiful woman of
the group. Except if they were cousins. 'We have to get the
Blue Morphine Cube,' he announced importantly.
'But that kid's got it!'
'We'll......' Jake opened his arms dramatically.
'....take it from him!'
'Why?' asked Marco.
'Because....I said so.'
'You're always bossing me around! First, it was
'Let's go to the mall,' and now it's 'Risk your butt for the human
race!' What's next, 'Wash behind your ears,' or
'Don't track mud over my nice clean floor'!
I'm sick of being hassled.' Marco dived into the nearest postbox
and was never seen again.
Jake shrugged and walked over to Cassie's barn to see it he could
find help
there. He found Axelrose-Eggnog-Isthmus and Tobias answering fanmail.
'How come you guys get fanmail?' he whined pathetically.
<Um, I don't think you really want to know, Jake.>
'Oh, ok.' said Jake a little sadly. Then he brightened. 'I need
you guys to help me get the Blue Morphine Box from a guy I met!'
<The blue what?>

'I meant that,' Jake immediately said.
<Oh, OK. Well, we can't help you, Prince Jake. We have too much fan
mail.>
'What do they even write about?' Jake said angrily. He picked up a
letter. ' 'Dear Ax, I want to have your baby-' ' he threw it down.
He picked another. 'Dear Tobias, I am blonde, with brown eyes, and
I am 5. 4-' ' He dropped it again. 'Are they all like this?!'
<Most of them.>
<Except the ones from the males.>
Tobias nodded. <Generally they are perfume scented, have pink
ribbons and..>
'Enough! I'm sick to death of you two being sex icons! Why can't
I be a sex legend? Why? Whywhywhywhy?'
And with that, Jake stomped off to see if he could get a job
working as a model for PlayGirl.
Marco walked by. 'What's up with him?'
Tobias stared suspiciously. 
Marco coughed into his fist. 'Plot hole.'
<Prince Jake was unhappy to see that Tobias and I, as
the most popular characters, have more fan mail.>
Marco shrugged at that. 'I get fan mail, all the time! Tonnes!'
<From who?>
'Me, of course! I'm my favourite character!' Marco preened
and stared into the barn window. 'I'm so pretty.'
The other two ignored him. It was the thing to do.
Suddenly, in a contrived way, Rachel walked into the barn,
carrying a sack.
'Where's Cassie?'
Tobias somehow managed to shrug. <Probably saving starving
baby leeches.>
Rachel eyed the red-tail suspiciously. 'I was going to ask
Cassie if she could help me with my mail problem. I've been
getting fan mail.'
<That should be normal. You are pretty popular, Rachel.> Ax said,
scribbling on a piece of paper.
'Yes, but they're all from the same person!'
<That's pretty normal.>
'Named Tobias!'
<That's pretty normal. There seems to be lots of people named Tobias,>
Tobias cut in, beginning to find something incredibly interesting
under his wing.
'Who sent a picture. He looks just like you, Tobias.'
<Ummm.....> Tobias thought quickly. <Maybe I have a twin brother
with the same name.>
'Oh, OK,' Rachel said. 'Cuz I wouldn't have liked to have thought
that someone like you would have been sending me mails which said,
'Rachel! I want to have your babies!' '
<Course I'm not.>
Rachel smiled, then went to find Cassie.
<Tobias?> Axelrose asked.
<What, Ax?>

Tobias just kept on answering fanmail.
'So,' said Marco, somehow managing to pull himself away from
the window, 'what happened to the plot?'
<What plot?> Ax said.
'I agree with that, but somebody said something about a plot.
You know, the 'save the Morphine Cube' plot.'
<Oh, that plot.>
All of a sudden, a jellyfish came jellying by.
<Do earth sea animals normally come out of the sea to do this?>
Ax wondered.
<It's Visser Three in morph!> concluded Tobias.
Axelrose lifted up his tail and got ready to make the jellyfish
into sushi when-
'Hey! That's not in the plot!' Chester screamed.
The author, who was long dead, said nothing.
Chester, in morph, knew there was nothing he could do but-
<Look! Beautiful woman morphing out of her clothes!>
They didn't know where the voice came from, but they all turned
around to look.
Chester took the chance to start demorphing.
<There's no beautiful woman,> Tobias grumbled.
'Anyway, I'd prefer to see me morphing out of my clothes,'
Marco said.
They all turned the right way round, whilst Axelrose tried to
cut up a jellyfish that wasn't there.
<Where did that jellyfish go?>
Then he saw. A half-morphing Chester!
<Aaagh! Chester out of nowhere!>
'Don't kill meee!' screamed Chester, morphing his mouth.
Marco looked at Chester's shiny, morphing ooze and began to
examine his face in it. Chester morphed into his normal Chester self.
'Don't kill meee!' he screamed again.
Marco, noticing he couldn't see his face anymore, sighed and looked
at Chester. 'You're the guy with the blue morphing cube!'
'Yes! I found it, and when I touched it, I somehow knew I had gotten
morphing powers and how to use them!'
<How?> asked Tobias, baffled.
Chester coughed into his fist. 'Plot hole.'
Axelrose held his tail to Chester's neck. <You are Visser Three in
morph. I will destroy you!>
<But Ax, he just morphed and->
Ax ignored Tobias. <Die!>
Chester decided he needed to get out of there, so he morphed
his most powerful morph- a jellyfish. Axelrose swooped with his tail,
but missed Chester's rapidly morphing head. Chester finished
morphing and began to flop away.
Cassie and Rachel came into the barn.
'Look!' screamed Cassie. 'Endangered jellyfish!' She grabbed it
up and began to hug it. 'I'm gonna feed you and care for you and
put you in a box and let you go in your natural habitat!'
The jellyfish began to turn blue with all the hugging, somehow
managing to survive out of water.
'Cassie? That's not a real jellyfish,' Marco interrupted.
<It's Visser Three in morph!>
<Actually, it's a guy named Chester with morphing capabilities,>
Tobias cut in.
Cassie looked crestfallen. 'Does this mean I don't get to save him?'
'Yes! He is now an Animorph.' Jake walked into the barn.
<So, Jake, how did your interview with PlayGirl go?> Tobias snickered.
Jake tried to look dignified. 'They already have two cover models.'
Tobias and Axelrose puffed up.
<Guess you don't have what it takes, Prince Jake,> said Ax,
thinking of his picture on the Hunk calendar.
Rachel lifted a blonde eyebrow. 'You're in PlayGirl, Tobias?
I don't really go for guys who do PlayGirl.'
 Tobias bluffed.
Rachel unfolded the latest edition. 'Strange. Hawk on the cover
looks exactly like you.'
<Maybe it's the twin brother I was telling you about.>
'Mmm. Probably.' Rachel threw the magazine away.
<Wait a second,> Tobias butted in. <What are YOU doing with a
PlayGirl?>
Rachel blushed, trying to think of a way out of this.
_Damn, I could really go for a convienient distraction._
At that moment, Chester started doing his 'I'm Groucho Marx' song.
_That'll do,_ Rachel thought smugly. All the others forgot her and
instead looked at Chester.
Cassie was sniffing at the thought of not being able to save small,
helpless animals. 'Don't worry, Cassie,' Jake said.
'You can save me!' he jumped into her arms.
Axelrose got tired at the mushiness and killed both of them.
Nobody noticed.
Marco got bored of everything and stared at a bucket of water.
The water held a beautiful person inside. 'You're so beautiful,'
Marco muttered.
Marco felt sleepy. He sat, staring at the beautiful person until
he felt Jake shaking his shoulder. 'Wake up, Marco,' he said.
Marco stared. There was Cassie and Jake and Tobias and Rachel and Ax.
He noticed they were arguing. 'What are you saying, Rachel?' said
Tobias in his human form.
'I don't want you! I'm leaving you!'
'What are you saying! I'm a real boy now!' screamed Tobias.
It was then Marco realized it was an incredibly stupid dream and
woke up.
Everyone was crowded around him. Marco sighed. 'I was in a land....
and you were there, and you! And you! And you, Scarecrow!' he added,
looking at Ax.
He then realized this was also an incredibly stupid dream and woke
up for real.
'Well, now we have a new Animorph!' Jake announced, coming back
from the dead. Everyone gathered round Chester.
'Look!' screamed Cassie. 'This cow has a PhD in Astrophysics!'
Everyone gathered round the cow. 'Ooooh,' breathed Rachel.
<The cow is Visser Three in morph,> Ax announced lamely.
Everyone ignored him, except the large number of female fans.
Marco squinted at the script. 'I wonder what Visser Three is doing
now,' he said haltingly.
Everyone nodded.

What Visser Three was Doing Then

What Visser Three was doing then was drawing a long,
curly mustache on a picture of Visser One. _She looks way
better that way,_ he thought evilly.
He was happy. He had sent out a bunch of Hoot-and-Jeers to
capture the Andalite Bandits in a contrived way. He was sure
they would get it right this time. He had put his most smartest
and best Kerk controllers in their heads. Nothing could go wrong.
He heard a little tinkling bell on his door. <Come in.>
It was the Hoot-and-Jeers. 'We have captured the Andalite Bandits!'
one chanted.
'Yes! Yes! Yes we have!' The others said in perfect harmony.
One carried a butterfly net. 'Here they are!' he said, exploding
with pride- literally. A passing Taxman ate him casually, with a
side salad. They went very well together.
Visser Three looked at the people in the net. Then he went a
fetching shade of lavender. <You fools! These are not the Andalite
Bandits, it's the pitiful cameo characters!>
'Hey! Who're you calling a character!' yelled Jake's ditzy Controller
brother, Tom Thumb.
The Hoot-and-Jeers poured the characters on the floor. Tom Thumb.
Melissa Chapstick. Amtrak the peace-loving Kerk, Erek the Creep,
and the all-knowing whale.
<What can I do with these cameo characters? They're no use to me!>
The Hoot-and-Jeers blinked. 'Uhh... maybe you could lure the
Andalite Bandits here with them,' one ventured.
Visser Three took his tail and killed the Hoot-and-Jeer with it.

They did so.
Visser Three went to the old warehouse at the end of town and
arranged
the cameo characters in a pleasing star design. He then wrote a
message: 'Help, Andalite Bandits! We, the cameo characters,
need your help! Meet us in the dark, abandoned warehouse at the
end of town! If you don't come, we will die!'
He placed it in an envelope and sent it to:
Andalite Bandits
Secret Base
Somewhere I Haven't Found Yet
and mailed it. <Now, all I have to do is wait,> he said,
and began to draw glasses on Visser One.

Axelrose, Tobias and Rachel, for the want of something better
to do, were sorting through their fan mail.
Ax picked one up.<'Hi, Ax, why don't you use your tail on me
sometime?'>
Tobias picked up a second. <'Woo, Tobias, you make me so hot.
I love your feathers, and the way you -'> Tobias threw that
mail into the 'R16' pile.
Rachel picked up one of hers. 'Rachel, you are amazing.
To show my love, here is a poem:
I love your hair and I love your clothes,
I love your body and I love your nose,
I love the way your eyebrow sits,
and most of all I love your t-' Rachel filed that one in
the same 'R16' pile.
'What kind of freak would write that?' she snorted.
Ax picked up a strange letter. <'Help, Andalite Bandits! We,
the cameo characters, need your help! Meet us in the dark,
abandoned warehouse at the end of town! If you don't come,
we will die!'>
Chester looked over Ax's shoulder. 'That's one spaced chick.'
<No! It's the cameo characters!>
'The cameo characters are writing fanmail?'
<No! They're in trouble!>
Marco stared at Ax's shiny tailblade. 'Don't bother with them......
I'm far more attractive.'
Everyone ignored Marco again.
'We have to save them! It's in the script!' Rachel jumped up on a box.
'They can take your cameo characters, but they can never take your
freedom!'
Right then, a whole bunch of scottish guys wearing kilts lifted up
their swords and shouted, 'Freedom!'
Equally as quickly, they were swallowed by a hole in the ground.
Chester had stopped musing about the spaced chick and was now
working out a cunning plan to free their cameo characters.
Marco, meanwhile, had pulled out a copy of the script.
'Damn obligatory lines.' He coughed tiredly and then put on
a sotto voice. 'I'm not risking my beautiful ass to save a
bunch of cameo characters! Why do we need them, anyway?'.
Chester got damn pissed off. 'You fool! Where do you think
we'd be without cameo characters? Why, it'd be terrible!
We'd be stuck with 'One of the Animoprhs has personal doubts'
or 'Find a way into the Yeerk pool *again*' types of stories!
They eat each other, and we fall back. They call us 'Andalite Filth'
and we fall back. No more! The Line must be drawn HERE!'
A dozen Star Trek fans ran in, applauded, then vanished in a
transporter beam-like haze.
<He has a point, Chester. Besides, after a good battle Rachel
will be less likely to horribly wound me for making innuendo,>
Tobias put in.
Rachel smiled in an oddly vicous way, but nodded.
'Well, me being the leader and all that, I say we need to rescue
those characters. The line must be drawn HERE!'
Chester jumped like he'd been stung. 'That was MY cool speech!
You nasty silly person!'
Jake glared at Chester. 'You know it is my job to make the speeches
here. You're the official slapstick comic relief, remember?'
Chester sighed sadly and went back to bashing himself on the head
with a squeaky mallet.
'Well, as I was saying before I was interrupted,' Jake looked at
Chester, 'Let's go!'
Cassie looked at the script. 'Hold on! I have to wonder about the
morality of this, Marco has to tell us we're insane and make bad
jokes, you have to wonder if you should drag us into this, and...'
she peered at the script, where a line had been crossed out and a
new one written in with red ink. '.....Rachel has to take off her
clothes.'
'Let me see that!' Rachel said angrily. She checked it. 'Who wrote
that?'
Silence.
'Nobody ever write that again, unless they want me to carve out
their cujones!'
<What does that mean, friend Tobias?> Ax asked Tobias privately.
<Don't ask. Just beware.>
Cassie rolled her eyes. 'Okay, we shouldn't do this, killing
innocents, yada, yada, yada. I'm done.'
Marco looked at his reflection in a hand mirror.
'Why are we risking our lives? This is insane.....' he looked at
the mirror contentedly. 'Don't worry, beautiful. I'll never leave me.'
Rachel glared at the waiting faces. 'Don't even think I even
considered doing that.'
<If you did, it might've been fun.>
Rachel had definite thoughts on hawk casserole.
<Just kidding, Rachel.>
'Let's morph into birds and fly there,' suggested Cassie.
'No! We need a morph where at least one person can get killed.'
'Ants.'
'Termites,' Cassie said.
'How about those tapeworms we found nesting in that cow?'
'That would take us too long,' Jake affirmed. 'I've got the
perfect morph...'
About half an hour later, they were all the most hideous, dangerous
creatures on earth- Insurance Salesmen.
'You don't think it's stupid that we all look absolutely identical?'
Tobias added for the fourth time.
'No, I think it's stupid that Insurance Salesman actually have a
black suitcase and portfolio as part of their DNA,' muttered Rachel.
'I can't control the instincts!' Cassie wailed. 'Must.....sell.....'
'Cassie! You must endeavor to reaffirm your personal affirmation
over this genus!'
Cassie shut up trying to work out what Ax meant.
'Whoa, Ax-man! Where'd you pick up that sort of lingo?' Tobias asked.
Ax smiled. 'All Andalite cadets are trained in Excessive and
Unwarranted Jargon.'
Somehow, they managed to reach the end of the town without
getting killed.
'My hair is ruined,' moaned Marco. 'Somebody threw tomatoes at me.'
'Somebody hit me with a plank of wood,' Jake said, clutching his arm.
'Look at Chester,' Cassie said, picking up a pancake.
The laugh track immediately went.
They looked at the dark, spooky warehouse with the Bug fighter
parked in front.
A streak of lightning crashed, even though the weather was perfect.
They demorphed, with some relief, into their normal bodies and
then into their stereotyped fight animals. Axelrose, in his Andalite
form, picked up Chester in his Jellyfish form.
<Yeah, get me to Visser Three! I'll give him so bad a burn it'll
last for a whole minute! Heh, heh, heh!>
<Shut up, Chester,> said Tobias, soaring overhead.
Rachel as a bear, kicked in the door. Inside, all was dark except
for the spotlight on the cameo characters, all tied up.
<Unless they like being tied up, I'd say they've been captured,>
Tobias observed.
Another spotlight fell- on Visser Three.
<What is THAT?> the jellyfish Chester asked.
<Its Visser Three in Morph!> Ax mumbled.
<Oh, Ax, for christsakes will you stop.....uh, no, wait a sec,>
Tobias muttered.
<Is he going to sing Karoke?> Jake wondered.
Suddenly, they realized that they were surrounded by Taxmen and
Hoot-and-Jeers.
<Aha, my Andalite Bandits! You are surrounded! I will make you
all into Kerk controllers.>
<Won't,> Rachel argued.
<Will.>
<Won't.>
<Will.>
<Won't.>
<Will times two,> said the Visser, looking smug.
<Won't times three,> countered Rachel.
<Four.>
<Five!>
<Will times one hundred!>
<Won't times a thousand!>
<Will times infinity,> sneered Visser Three, thinking he had won.
<Won't times one more than you'll ever get!> declared Rachel.
All the Hoot-and-Jeers and Taxmen applauded.
Visser 3 angrily beheaded the Hoot-and-Jeers, but he left the
Taxmen for their comical value.
<So, Andalite Bandits, you think you can defeat me with mere
wordplay? You cannot!>
<Can too> Rachel argued.
<Can not.>
<Can too.>
<Can not.>
<Can too too too too too too too.>
<Can not not not not not not not.>
<Enough! You're acting like children!> Tobias cried.
<He started it!> Rachel whined, pointing a furry paw at the Visser.
<You were being a jerk!> The Visser shot back.
<Was not!>
<Were too!>
<Was not!>
Tobias silenced them both by screeching down and attacking the
Visser's stalk eyes.
<Can we stop with the stupid insults and get on with it?>
<Ahh. So you have honour, Andalite Filth! A pity *I* do not!>
With that, a bunch of new, fresh, pine-scented Hoot-and-Jeers ran in,
all wielding shiny new Dracon beams. So shiny, in fact,
Marco realised he could see his own face in them. Ahhh, my own face.
Damn, even as an overgrown monkey I'm beautiful.....
<So, Andalites, once again you are surrounded. And by the way the
Orchestra is playing, you KNOW it has to be bad for you!>
He was right. The orchestra was playing 'The Imperial March'.
Suddenly, it changed to 'Old McDonald'. Visser Three quickly
beheaded a Taxman who he had spotted handing a dime to the conductor.
<You, humans! Back to playing my song!>
The Orchestra immediately started up with 'I Think I'm Going Out
Of My Head'.
<No, you fools! My OTHER song! Play correctly, or you won't
get paid!>
With that, the orchestra went back to playing Visser Three's song.
<You think that an ominous song will stop us?> Ax asked rhetorically.
<Take this!> He threw Chester at the unsuspecting Visser.
<AAAGHH!> screamed Visser Three as the jellyfish latched onto his face.
<Take that, you bad mean thing!> cried Chester, stinging the Visser.
<AAAGHH! Superficial sting!> the Visser screamed again.
Then, Chester morphed into his second best morph- himself!
<What the- this isn't an Andalite!> yelled Visser Three as
Chester began to ooze over his face.
The tiger roared. <Crap! Who forgot to tell Chester NOT to demorph??!!>
<Oops,> said everyone else.
Chester stood in front of Visser Three and smirked.
Visser Three's stalk eyes blinked. <Now I know you're Andalites,
because only Andalites would be stupid enough to give morphing
technology to humans who look as stupid as that!>
'You think I'm stupid?' asked Chester reflectively. He looked at his
'I'm With Stupid' top and stood next to Visser Three.
'Now you're stupid, and I'm with you!'
Jake roared again. <Crap! Who forgot to tell Chester NOT to open
his mouth?>
Rachel was quietly undoing the ropes of the last cameo character-
the All Knowing Whale.
Chester jumped up on Visser Three's back and slapped his rear.
'Yah! You're free now!'
Visser Three flailed his tail around, effectively dismembering
three Taxmen.

Marco, Jake, and Cassie had been slowly taking out the Taxmen
whilst Tobias, Rachel and Ax did something interesting with a winch.
Visser Three laid Chester on the floor and pressed his blade to
his throat. <You'll die now, human! Slowly! But with at least
10 minutes to escape, as is the way of evil villains like me!>
He scraped his tail on Chester-
and the cameo character, the All-Knowing Whale, fell on him with
a splat.
The orchestra began to play 'Ding, dong, the witch is dead'.
<Which old witch?>
<This old witch!>
Their mission accomplished, the Animorphs left the building,
no damage done- except for the groupies outside the warehouse
that tried to assault Ax and Tobias.
Meanwhile, inside the warehouse, the Orchestra realised that
Visser Three was gone. 'Oooh, goody!' the conductor laughed.
'We can play the forbidden music!' And as the Animorphs headed home,
Tobias swore he could here 'Round and round the Mullberry Bush.....'.

They went away scratched and bruised and emotionally battered.
That night, the horrible mission gave everyone nightmares.
Marco tossed and turned in his bed. He was so beautiful, so perfect,
when a jar of acid struck his face!
'NOOOOOOO!' he screamed as his impeccable bones melted away.
For Jake, the nightmare went a little further.
He was surrounded by beautiful women. He got tonnes of fanmail every
day, when-
'LOOK!' screamed one of the girls. 'TOBIAS AND AX!'
The girls all screamed and dived onto them. <Please, ladies,>
the Andalite said. <One at a time.>
Jake screamed and woke up.
Tobias, on his perch, was in the mall, human form. Everyone was
wearing Chewbacca masks, and staring at him strangely.
'Tobias!' Rachel, wearing a Chewbacca mask, ran up to him and shook
his arm. 'Why aren't you wearing your Chewbacca mask? If you're
found out, the Kiltwearing Mounted Scottish Clowns will get you,
feather and tar you and send you off to be made into Sear's liquid!'
Suddenly, a clown wearing a kilt, bore down on a woman without a
Chewbacca mask. She was dipped in a vat of tar, had feathers shoved
on her, and was sent off on a truck. 'Noooooo!' she screamed.
'Not Sears! Please! Have mercy!'
The clown began to laugh.
It was then that Tobias knew that this was incredibly weird and woke.
Cassie was surrounded by baby harp seals. 'Please save me, Cassie,'
begged one, covered in oil.
'No, me, Cassie! My mother's gone and I'm all alone,' another cried.
'I can't help all of you at once, baby harp seals!' Cassie cried.
They all whimpered, whilst Cassie tried to clean cuts, scrub oil
and hug all at once. They began to cry. Cry and cry and cry and-
Rachel was walking in the street, when all of a sudden, some
police in incredibly
fashionable, well-cut police outfits accosted her.
'Hey! What are you doing?' she demanded.
'We're the fashion police. Sorry, but you have to come with us.'
'Why?'
'Look!'
She was dressed in plaid, polka dots, stripes, paisley and one of
those stupid beanie hats. She began to scream, and scream, and
scream.......
Ax the Andalite had the same dream he had every night- that he was a
big jar of toothpaste, and Visser Three was squeezing him out on a
toothbrush. Why he dreamt this he didn't know.
He didn't even really get what a toothbrush was.
But it was still goddamn scary.
The cow with the PhD in astrophysics had a dream, too.
It had a dream that all the people imagined that there
was no heaven. It's easy if you try. With no hell below them,
above them only sky. Then it woke up and forgot.
Rachel woke up and walked around the whole day wearing just a towel.
Okay, so it was skimpy, but at least it wasn't unfashionable.
Tobias, of course, heartily approved of her outfit.
Marco woke up and took his hair out of it's curlers. He felt his face.
Still there, in all it's perfection.
Jake woke up and looked in the mailbox. Still no fan mail.
Ax woke up, found he wasn't a jar of toothpaste, but like most
mornings woke covered in mail.
Chester woke up, in the abandoned warehouse. He felt funny.
Licking the wall, he hoped he wouldn't get splinters.
Cassie woke up and saved her pillow from extinction. It made
her feel better.
Visser Three woke up and felt nasty, like he did every morning.
It was what gave him his edge. Warm fuzzies dulled you.
He'd never get warm fuzzies; real villains never got warm fuzzies.
In the morning, all the cast members stood around in Cassie's barn.
'This is wrong!' Jake exploded. 'I'm calling my agent!
This damn fanfic should have ended by now!'
<There is something we could do,> suggested Axelrose.
'What? Please! End the horror!' Rachel begged.
The Andalite counted off on his fingers. <Someone could become
a nothlit. Someone could die. Someone could get married.
Someone could reflect on their lives.>
Cassie looked around. 'No-one here can marry. Nothlit's
already been done. Reflection- not if you don't want to
bore me to death. Die-' she looked around wildly.
'Anyone here want to die?'
A hand went up from the crowd.
'You don't count, Edelman. Nobody cares if you die.'
Cassie squinted again. 'Ax? Rachel? You guys wanna snuff it?'
Rachel shrugged. 'Kill Chester.'
Chester's head immediately got cut off.
Silence.
Tobias burst into tears. <Please! End!>

THE END

Jake and Marco slapped a high five.

HA-HA. JUST KIDDING.

Marco dived into the mirror.

OH, DON'T BE LIKE THAT. HERE. HERE'S AN ENDING.

And they all lived happily ever after, well, as
happy as you can be when
your legs are cut off.
'No, don't like that one,' Jake said hurriedly.

WHAT ABOUT THIS?

And as they went home, they smiled to think that Rachel
really was a man.
<Don't like that one, either,> Tobias put in.

LAST ONE......

And they all went off into the sunset, laughing.

They all looked at each other.
'I'll take that,' Rachel said.
They nodded.

OKAY.

And they all went off into the sunset, laughing.

FIN