______________________________
 

 Sara liked to spy on her big sister Rachel. She would hide
in her closet and she what she was doing. Usually it was nothing
interesting, but right now her sister was kissing a boy she had never
seen before.  He had apparently entered the room while Sara was
looking over one of Rachel's old books.
The two of them separated. And the boy said, "Remember, Rachel,
7:45 tomorrow." With that he climbed out the window.

 The next day, Sara described the boy to Cousin Tom and asked if
he knew who he was. Tom said that sort of sounded like a weird kid
named Tobias who had lived around here for a while but then left.
Other than that, he didn't know anyone who fitted the description.
Sara noticed that Cousin Jake, who had been listening, had become
very, very pale.

 Rachel left the house at 7:35. Sara said she wanted to go to sleep
now, much to the surprise of her mother. Then she snuck out of her
room and followed Rachel. Eventually she lost track of her. She
wandered around the woods for a while, feeling very scared. Was she
lost? Eventually she stumbled on to a road and saw a truck come to a
stop. Two men stepped out.
 One of the men said, "I think I heard something. Could be
Andalites. Let's search."
They ventured into the woods, and a short bit later ran back towards
their truck, being chased by a bear. They managed to get away and
jumped into their truck and drove off- after grabbing Sara!
 Sara screamed and screamed, until one of the men gave her a shot
and she fell asleep.

 "This is entirely my fault," moaned Rachel when the team reassembled
in Cassie's barn, "When I saw her I should have ran for her as fast
as I could, but NO, I had to chase the controllers some more. Not
only did we not stop the shipment of Kandrona parts, THE YEERKS HAVE
MY SISTER!!! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO???" she started sobbing.
 <It's not your fault,> said Tobias.
 "Yes it is," said Rachel, and she stormed out.

 As Rachel neared her house, she saw Hendrick Chapman walking out
of it. Oh no, she thought.
She broke into a run.
 When she entered her home, her whole family seemed to be waiting.
 "Hello Rachel, said her mother, "You look as though you've been
crying."
 "No, my eyes were just watery," Rachel said as coolly as she could,
"Maybe I have a cold."
 "Sara discovered an interesting club, "said her father, who was
visiting, "Jordan's joining. We think you should too."
 "It's called The Sharing," said Jordan.
 "Uhhh. I'll think about it," said Rachel, trying desperately to
keep her voice steady. She walked briskly into her room.
 Her entire family were undoubtedly Controllers. At least they didn't
seem to have made the connection between her and the Andalite
bandits. Rachel thought about Jordan, Sara, and her parents bottled
up in their own heads. She eyed a glass sculpture on her dresser and
shattered it with one blow.

 Rachel stepped into the bathroom and knelt over the toilet. She took
out the razor blade she had in her pocket and opened it.  She held it
in her left hand and carefully, holding out her right hand over the
bowl, made an incision across her wrist.
 One excruciating pain blotted out another. For a few moment there
was nothing but the pain in her wrist. No worries, no problems,
just clean fire.
 Then it passed, and Rachel got to work on the other wrist.
 When she was done, she opened the stall door and started to walk out.
Cassie was standing in front of her.
 "Uhhh. Hi Cassie!"
 Cassie was staring at her wrists, "Rachel, you need help."
 "Just leave me alone," Rachel said, then instantly regretted it.
 "You need help." Cassie repeated.
 "Well, I can't exactly see a shrink. I couldn't tell him what's
wrong, so I'd end up getting treated for the wrong thing."
 "Well, that's true."
 While Cassie was thinking of something to say, Rachel walked past
her, "Oh, and don't tell the others about this."
 "I'd be betraying you if I didn't tell them."
 Rachel offered no response and continued walking.

 " Hi everyone!" said Rachel when she got home.
 "Hi Rachel," said Jordan, "decided about The Sharing yet?"
 "Umm. No. Not yet." Rachel went to her room, barely able to
contain her rage.

She decided to try to calm herself by listening to music.

Though I know that evenin's empire has returned into sand,
Vanished from my hand,
Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping.
My weariness amazes me, I'm branded on my feet,
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming.

Rachel turned the music louder, and louder, and louder, until there
was nothing else.

Rachel left at the break of dawn next morning, communicating with her
"family" as little as possible on the way out. She made her way to a
payphone, and put some money in.
 "Operator," she said, "Give me Erek King."

A few hours later, Jake showed up at Erek's house. He had been
thinking about what Cassie had told him. Rachel slitting her wrists?
He found that difficult to believe. but she had been going through a
lot recently.
Jake rang the doorbell and Erek answered. "Hi Jake. How'd the
reconnaissance mission go?"
"Reconnaissance? I came to ask you if you had seen Rachel."
"She called earlier, said you wanted to do a reconnaissance, and you
needed the location of a Yeerk base.."
Jake froze, "Omigod... Erek! Tell me the location you told her! Now!"

"Okay, okay," said Chapman, "move that equipment a little to the
left."
As the Hork-Bajir grunted and groaned. Chapman contemplated how much
he liked redecorating..
Everything was so peaceful and serene..
Then a grizzly bear crashed through the wall.

Attack.
Kill.
Destroy.
That was all Rachel thought about, all Rachel was.
Everything else got pushed away.
Everything was so simple. So complete.
Attack.
Kill.
Destroy.

<Rachel! Rachel!> Tobias screamed.
 <Tobias? What are you doing here?>
 <Jake sent me.>
 Chapman used  to moments distraction to grab a Dracon Beam and
point it at the Andalite that had ruined his entire redecorating job.
 <Rachel! Look out!>
 Rachel dodged out of the beams way and left the building through
the hole she had created coming in.

 "That was stupid, stupid, STUPID!" exclaimed Marco when they
reconvened at Cassie's Barn.
"Listen, I know bad stuff has been happening recently, but it won't
do you any good to get all of us captured too."
 "Marco. Just...shut. Up," said Rachel as levelly as she could,
"Just. Shut. Up."
 Marco opened his mouth to continue, but then caught the look in
Jake's eyes and stopped.
 Having nothing else to say, Rachel turned and left.

 "She's a liability, Tobias!" said Marco, "She could get us all
killed."
 Tobias just nodded. He didn't want to agree with Marco, but he was
right. "Listen, I'll I'm saying is keep an eye on her."
 "Alright, alright."

 Clean exchange. Rachel gave the man at the counter fifteen bucks;
he gave her the pills. No questions asked.
 She would just need to swallow both of them and they would take
effect in 10 seconds. No pain.
 Of course, the pills were just for an emergency, to avoid
infestation. She wasn't really going to use them.
 She wasn't really going to use them.
 She wasn't really going to use them.
 She wasn't really going to use them.

 It would have been an ordinary dinner. It should have been an
ordinary dinner.
 But four of the five people at the table were Controllers.
 As her "family" chatted, Rachel tried to keep up with the
conversation, but her thoughts kept returning her real family,
trapped inside their own brains. Screaming, clawing, trying to get
out. So helpless, so hopeless..
 She tried to eat, but her hands were shaking, and they wouldn't
stop, wouldn't stop.
 Finally she couldn't control herself anymore, and she threw her
plate across the table and ran out of the kitchen as fast as she
could.
 Her family members looked at each other. This one make an excellent
candidate..

 "Suicide pills?!" cried Tobias incredulously, "You sold suicide pills to a 14-year-old?"
 "She paid good money."
 Tobias walked briskly out of the store.
Oooooh boy.

 "Rachel! Rachel! Rachel, I'd like to talk to you!" Rachel's fatehr
called. When he got no reply, he walked upstairs and opened the door
to her room.
 The room was empty.
The window was open.

Thank God hawks are good hunters, thought Tobias. He had picked up on
the unmistable trail of a Golden Eagle. It was beginning to grow dim,
but he thought it was headed towards the library.

Rachel was in a sort of vague haze. When she became aware that she
should not be there, she clawed her way out of it and found herself
in the library. After she got her bearings, she located a copy of
'Hamlet' and flipped through it until she found the page she was
looking for.
To be. Or not. To be.

Librarian Hawkins was writing out overdue notices when a boy ran up to
her desk and thrust a locket with a photograph in it in her face.
"This girl. Have you seen her?"
"Why, yes, I saw that girl wander in a few minutes ago.
She seemed kind of dreamy and out of it. Why?"
But there was no answer. The boy was already gone.
The locket was lying on the ground, shattered.

Rachel opened her right hand, and found two pills in them. She had
been squeezing them so tightly they had morphed with her. There were
red, pill shaped markings on her hand.
She sat down a table and hefted the pills.
To be.
Or not.
To be?

She lifted the pills toward her mouth, then lowered them down again.
Up and down. Up and down.
Up and down.
She lifted the higher, and higher, and higher, and-
-and another hand caught hers.
Tobias just looks at her for a few seconds. There was no question
in his eyes, for he understood precisely what was happening.
Then he hit her so hard she fell off her chair.
"You..you. of all the people I thought would try to... you are the
LAST..." Tobias was at a loss for words. "We need you. I need you..."
He picked up the pills, which had fallen on the floor. He
crushed them with his hands, then chucked them in the nearest garbage.
He could think of nothing else to say to Rachel, who was lying quietly
on the floor. So all he said was,
"I'll be watching you. Hawk eyes are very, very good."

End

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