socks ok this was just a sudden impulse to start babbling about socks, because somehow I started to think "well if I was a sock puppet what would I eat?" only alive when on a hand or are they alive other times too? well those my friends are the questions of the day, and since i'm in that special sort of rambling mood, I'm going to talk and talk and talk and talk and babble and ramble and cuss and maybe get into some preverted topics for once in my long rambling carreer, well it isn't a carreer and I can't believe that I'm not using any punctuation for any of this, might explain why I can't seem to get an A on any english assignments. but that doesn't matter does it? All that matters are what sock puppets eat and if they are alive. We are here to discover the ancient and ritualistic behaviors of sock puppets. *PBS host voice* For hundreds of years we have wondered...and today the answers will be known about the natural behaviors of the sock puppet.... first we must journey to the reclusive wastes of the southern laundry mats where the first wild breeds of sock puppet were found and then tamed by street mimes who were tired of being kicked. We will return to the taming of the sock later in this program, now we must bait and trap the wild sock. Through careful and delicate research we have found that the wild black sock is attracted to white lint, but the wild red sock is also attracted to white lint, they both feel this is their territory and try to kill each other in the washing machine creating the rumbling crashing noises commonly associated with dryers and washing machines. these two great enemies of the dryer wastes rip each other to shred and drity our whites in their sacred and honorable ancient tradition. so as we want to capture this and further study what happens after their glorious battle we have placed a load of white laundry and a video camera in the dryer. The bait is set and the camera is running as we turn on the dryer, but unfortunately this is possibly not the best way to capture their fight since the cinematography will be a bitch to edit and clean up just so that we can see the clothes tumble about in the dryer, what a waste. onward to the sexual acts of the wild sock.... well frequently the male socks fight each other in dryer battles to take control of the entire lint (yes it's a lint of socks, shut up) and then they get the right to all of the females, or at least that's how it should work, what requently happens is that the females are taken by other cleaning products such as the air freshener and Mr. Clean. yes Mr. Clean gets around, a terrible threat to the sock mating cycle. this is why many domesticated socks leave their former owners, they go off to join the revolution against the evil Mr. Clean. Part II the war against the cleaning fluids many times after a particularly rough and hard fight against the evil fluids led by the notorious Mr. Clean sock exhibit wounds on the toe and heel, at this time they are no longer fit to be part of the lint and so they return to their masters and find a strong replacement for the lint to replace them, this is what we proffesional socktoligists call the hole cycle. when the old and weak socks feel that they cannot preform in the lint anymore they go to a dryer and find a young white replacement for themselves (well not nessesarily it's just that an old red sock taking the place of a white sock is strange and doesn't happen often but we all know it does) Part III The Domestication of the Sock puppet once a very long time ago, the mimes of the world split into two divisions, the tradtionalists who kept with the ancient mime customs of miming and getting stuck in boxes and pulling ropes and generaly being a public nusance, while others armed with the new sock puppet turned to puppeteering and entertained entire generations of young and old. these two great nations were once called the sockies and the signies but because they both felt stupid calling themselves names as stupid as those so now they reserve those names just for the other side, but the mimes are at a great disadvantage due to their lack of tongues or vow of slience, personaly I think that mimes ought to have some sort of surgery preformed on them, like tattooing on their faces and maybe a mute, a bell could be cool too, so we know where they are so we can avoid them. Over the many years the difference between the sockies and signies has become distinct, mimes are hated and puppeteers are loved by all, this must be due to the magical powers of sock puppets. Part IV the magical powers of sock puppets sock puppets can steal your souls, run run far away from sock puppets, look what the puppeeteers have done to mimes! this is not good for bob dole, the soulless mimes poor soulless mimes. never cross a puppeeteer the wrong way or else you'll turn into a lint harvester on the great lint farms of the bronx where the lint is produced to feed the entire population of sock puppets on earth. so as a friend and expert on this topic I plead and warn you to stay away from any puppeteers, they have evil partners, kick them, then run away and run back and kick them again, the conspiracy must be exposed, they don't dare let you be caught by the police so they will most certainlly hunt you down and turn you into a lint slave, thrown into a dryer with woolly clothes on and forced to pick out all the lint then go back in to make more lint. Beware the sock puppet and always carry Mr. Clean.