Tonight my ramble will deal with one of my favorite paranormal spuds. Mr PotatoHead and his Ira potato friends. "hilarity is imminent" where the hell that came from I will never know maybe someone should explain to me what is going on inside my head, that might help a little bit and make me less of the freak that I am. At least I don't have any sort of horrible mutations like extra arms and legs that I can buy seperately and pull on and off, yes that's an arm where my legs should be....why do you ask? Perfectly normal right? maybe, it depends on who you ask and who the fuck I am, yes maybe if I have been living in one of those nice friendly nuclear waste dumps for my entire life, maybe if I got caught in a horrific fruit juicing accident, or just happened to spill honey on my arms while taking pictures for national geographic of bears. These are all nice ways to either be horribly mutated in which case normal is relative (yes uncle normal) just like time (aunt time) and some types of canned goods (half-step-second-cousin canned good). All relative, so what's normal to you might be my aunt or maybe a sister, what was the point of this you may ask, well you may remember in which case I don't think you would ask, well it's a fiendish plot to take up space, I figure if I write enough and everyone keeps a copy then I could get rid of a few forests, and then buy them up at a vastly lower price and then use the profits to fund Mr. PotatoHeads friends the IRA, I have no clue what they do or who they are but I know they're Irish and are some kind of Army.

the Irish Riverdancing Army, that soothing tapping sound can be heard from miles away as they close in on your location and lull you to sleep so they can work thier foor magics and destroy thier enemies. Who hates the Irish Riverdancing Army? Why obviously their mortal enemies the American Swinging (Navy) Seals or ASS for short. IRA and ASS mortal enemies to the end. The harmonious tapping and the full bodied swing colide and there is chaos. Tappity tap tap Tappity, boom boom boom swish ca-ching. The two dances rarely work together, swing and tap? it's like oil and water, and it just so happens that's what the seals use. They ussualy try to grab those crazy dancing potatos and throw them into a vat of boiling water and then deep fry them in oil. it's funny how urban these battles have become, taking place more and more often in fast food establishments. You see the ASS's are dancing tomatoes, and when the IRA gets them then they stomp them flat with their tap shoes and put them in little plastic bags. it's funny how well these mortal enemies taste together. Yummy.

The Irish Repulisive Army, the many eyes, the hands in legs spots, it's no wonder that this army is repulsive, like something a vegetarian mad scientic would create. yes go, go my pets, frighten the whole world with your horrible looks, steal from children and create fear and pain wherever you go. but it seems like they are still waiting for something, because they just sit there in the hands of children. not much of a horrific life if you ask me. you didn't but if you did I would have said it wasn't much of a life. An Irish Mad scientist making hordes and hordes of potatoes with removable arms and legs, eyes and noses and mouths and shoes and hats, what was he thinking? Where are the tentacles? The clawlike death grip hands with which to rip rhubarbs out of the ground with? The whirling blades of death with which to grind the ruhbarbs into mush and maybe a nice ruhbarb pie. But why stop there, add the strawberries, add the bcrust and sugar and make it sweet. Turn out amny many starberry ruhbarb pies with the potato hordes of death, that was fun anyways. Where are the many eyes on eyestalks and horns and fangs and sharp pointy elf shoes. Elf shoes are scary, just think about what would happen if you put one on and tripped, it goes through your eye that's what, elves are brave little things, if a potato was wearing elf shoes and was looking at me with all those eyes I think I'd either

1. Run like all hell to the nearest tomato toy store and buy a potato gun
2. laugh histericaly
3. kick it

it's true kicking an animate potato with elf shoes would be fun, and as it sails through the air with it's eyes and pointy shoes it could like swear at me and try to dedicate it's life to seak it's revenge, that is untill it hits the ground and flies into little potato chunks all over the place, and gets eaten by animals and small people (babies, midgets people like that).

The Irish Revolutionary Army of potatos and potatolike things. Potato-like means many eyes and resonably potato shaped like fat spiders and yams. They want justice from the tyrannical governments of the potato-fields, working hard at growing only to but dug out of the ground and turned into fries and baked potatoes. "Using my people for food ends here!" You think Women had it hard? That Blacks had it hard? I don't remembe hearing anything about eating blacks, women *cough* well hmmmm I guess some people still eat women. no you didn't just read what you thought you read, don't go back and read that, I'll tell you what it said, Women are good, we like women, go women go, yay civil rights. ok so we eat potatoes and they want equal rights, they want to be able to get an education and vote and drive cars. Potatoes can't even watch tv! and nobody ever considers selling glasses to potatoes who need corrective lenses, they have to make the lenses themselves out of little bits of discarded bottles, ten smash them against the ground and grind them into a nice corrective state. And so they wait, the IRA waits for the time to strike and march on the capital, they're just trying to think of a catchy title for their march... Million Potato March?....Spuds are people too?.....We want glasses?.....the possibilities are endless. so they use their think-tank of califlowers to sit in their gardens and dream up ideas in those brains of theirs, dreaming of a day when the potatoes are free and they too will have a chance to vote and run around wildly in the street behind the weel of a car under the influence of gauno. Yes, the Million Spud march is coming, the IRA will organize it and the fast food industry will go crazy trying to collect all the escaping spuds and yams and spiders which will try to escape their fiendish prisons and support the movement.

but the point of this entire essay was about Mr. PotatoHead wasn't it? what happened to poor Mr. PotatoHead? the symbol of an entire generation of plastic people, a movie icon and star. Loved by millions, why do we not talk about him? Because the IRA is more fun, and I don't know what R stands for, so it's everything...Random, Radiation, Risque, Redundant lots of fun words that I could have used.

yes he is a little bit tough and untasty, and made out of plastic, but so are condoms and everyone seems to be trying to eat those... Wait I didn't say that either, uhm we like plastic, the drug of the future, you think your friend has a problem and is annoying and just a pain in the behind? Give him plastic, in it's little pill form it goes down easy and expands in his stomach. If used properly your friends annoying personallity will be no more. He will be dead and everyone will be much less irritated by your ex-friend. Yes we like plastic, everyone likes to eat it, that's right plastic, not condoms.