It's been a while, nothing has really changed after weeks of you being far-away. You enter my house with our shared keys from a travel which I did not even know you had. That's how life goes with us, we say hello, we meet, we bid goodbye and nothing else. It's too impersonal but that's what we had agreed upon. We fear we'd discover ugly things in us once we elevate our relationship into more intimate level. We fear failure. So we walk inside our emotions on tiptoes, careful not to wake up anything in our hearts. We're contented with the way our relationship goes. No hassles. No pressures. We're simply friends.
I've finally accepted this reality in our relationship - it was not what I dreamt it would be - we expected either you or I be the woman (or the man) and in most cases we wanted neither. So we came up with what we have nowadays, and no one is complaining....Our relationship is quite like a different recipe, quite tasty and delicious but we can't, as cooks, figure the ingredients we used, it's a recipe that just came about after playing with this and that, no special trick, no mantra, no magic spell, no gimmick. And after realizing how good and convenient this particular recipe turned out to be, we simply stared at each other with a conspiratorial stare, our gazes assuring ourselves we're the only ones who knew, and we vowed to keep our secret recipe a secret.
And maybe that's what keeps us going on and on for nearly six years now. We feel we're special. We feel we're separate - we don't intend to attend gay parades though we respect every gay who wants to come out in a parade, we don't intend to exchange rings publicly, we don't intend to depend on each other eternally, we don't intend to exhibit our emotions and passion toward each other outside the walls of this room, we intend to keep caring for each other without words of love, we intend to love each other in a furtvie way. We seem to like it this way, playing as two secret lovers, like two married men having an affair, and we find excitement in stealing glances when no one in a party or a throng of people looks , we greet each other passively so people would think we're bored - and perhaps it's this game that kept our relationship cemented this long.
We never found lovers outside of each other, we aren't lovers 'officially'
but when faced with the prospect of having an 'official' lover we choose
to decline, stating we're too busy to have a lover this time or we're too
occupied, but really, at the back of our minds we think of each other,
we think our relationship is too precious to give it up. So we live
our separate ways with longing for each other everyday, we
work and go home happy at the prospect we might have time together,
if not, may be tomorrow or next week or next month - that possibility
of being together soon is what keeps us going.
I know it sounds pathetic but we've arived at this recipe after trying this and that...we both struggled hard in life, I, from poverty in the Philippines and you, from poverty in Mississippi. I worked hard for my family, you worked hard for yourself - you fought so hard to get education, to buy your BMW, to buy your house and its beautiful garden. You're so American with all your desires for material things; and I'm too Filipino with all my desires to help my family. And we don't want to give up our personal desires - these were the desires that propelled us to where we are now. If you'd take my family from me, then I'd have no reason to go on in life; and I think if I'd take your ability to make money right now, you'd also lose your reason to go on in life.We are in a sense, different set of gays.
I laugh everytime I recall our starting point, how much we clashed, especially when I wanted to build my world around you. I remember the amusement in your face in my fits of jealosy and all my gestures of displeasure while pretending hard I was not. When I was a kid, I loved love stories because they always have happy endings - but really, when Cinderella and the Prince started to live as husband and wife, how did they fare?
Now, oh well, we are alone in our room again, I can see the graying of your hair...and mine too. I am awake while you're sleeping beside me.
I am remembering...
I've started with so many gay friends when I moved to Fort Lauderdale. All of them are gone now. Edu has moved to San Francisco, John is moving to New York after getting his Masters, the others I don't even know where they ended up going. In my gay group, I was considered the most likely to leave because that's how I lived and worked before coming to Fort Lauderdale. Yet, I was the only who remained behind.
I grew up and in growing up I learned to tame myself. I am much stronger. I can't believe how strong I am. When I started here, I looked at men with lust. But now, I don't know...I am happy in just staring at the beautiful men of South Beach. I get happy just standing beside a beautiful woman. I become happy just staring at the sea. I get satisfaction just by smelling a wonderful perfume. I am no longer interested in going to San Francisco or New York or Chicago or Honolulu for the men. Sex has taken a backseat in my list of obsessions.
I know I'm strong because I'm no longer afraid of losing even you. I'm no longer afraid of failing. I'm not afraid to live alone. I'm no longer afraid of dying.
Meanwhile, I just love staring at you while you're lying next to me.