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Gay Middle Age
My world spins in a whirlwind because of the many interests I dip my hands into, so the days pass by without me realizing it. Yeah, like today Matt emails me and says -- This Saturday. That is all. It means this Saturday I will be driving to Fort Lauderdale to his place, then we will drive to Miami in his car and by Sunday morning he'd race his firs triathlon. "This Saturday is here already?" For the first time in my life, I am not as excited as I used to be when me and Matt go out together. In fact, I don't carry enough passion now for matters outside my interests. My friendship with Matt is very strong but my passion for what I am doing now is much stronger. I want to play more with my computer, I want to read more books, I want to write more stories and I want to sleep more. I don't have the drive for socialization, neither for romance nor sex. It's all pffft nowadays but I should not let this happen. Yet, I want to go with him, just to get away from this all: as I live my upper forties, so many changes occur in me. Let me call it a full blown mid life crisis and it's real. I sometimes read other gays' blogs and I admire their tenacity in loving, leaving, searching, committing, flirting -- all things I used to be passionate about. But it all has passed me by, leaving me, how do I say it, 'contented' with what I am and what I have. It is amazing how maturity affects a person. I now look at men with a passivity that surprises me everyday. So he is good-looking, what now? So he is sexy, well, that's nice. I am no longer a dog salivating or a man deprived when it comes to sex. It scared me before but if this is the way it goes for me, so be it. But I still want to go to Miami, maybe things would change. I always have that problem. For years I avoided going out with friends due to lack of interest and then one night, just one night, I decided to give the night out a try. And it was spectacular. And I castigated myself for being so confined like a monk, I am like North Korea in the midst of men. Is isolation a part of my personality? Am I generally confined to this little world I create, get attached to it and never let go no matter what? I know that is wrong, absolutely wrong. I should go to Miami with Matt no matter what. Return to Home |