EXPLAIN THE ANGEL CONTEST


   So, in my travels across the Internet, I came across this angel costume complete with wings, halo, and what's this? a MAGIC WAND? A MAGIC WAND? What would an angel be doing with a magic wand?

   I asked a few of my Internet associates if they could explain this spiritual paradox to me. Well, they couldn't. They could only come up with wacky answers to my very serious question. But, hey, humor is much more important than knowledge, right? So, I started an "Explain the Angel" contest.

"Let's get everybody involved" said I!

Here are the responses so far (and the responses to the responses) that I posted in somewhat chronological order to the very thought provoking question

Why would an angel need a magic wand?

Agent_Moldy:

Why, to spread angel dust, of course!

Elendil:

She's not very good at her job.

famousmortimer:

The wand is to fight off those damn cherubs!

Shandi:

Ok, so, this angel likes PB&J sandwiches, & she uses the wand to spread the ingredients over her bread. Meanwhile, there are several flies overhead, so she swats at them occasionally...

OR: maybe it's her compact? she uses it to signal the starship when she want's to go home.

she uses it like Queen Victoria used her fan, & raps people on the wrist.. (with apologies to Catholic School survivors.. I went to a lutheran school once, almost as bad!).

Maybe she blows bubbles through it?
It's her funky everlasting gobstopper, & she's taking a break right now.

She's in a new singing group, 'The Angels', & that's her Mic...

That's her temporary fencing foil... made from real Tin Foil! :p-)

it's her combination nailfile/bugzapper/resume writer/calculator/spoon/coffeemaker/and kitchen sink!!

...she flips hamburgers in her spare time!

... maybe she's aiming to paint the cloud she was siting on??

...or she want's to give her angel friend a wedgie! hehehehe...

Hows that, all?

[Xig note : No more coffee for Shandi.]

darkvortex:

Well it's a very simple answer, it's not an angel at all it's obviously the Goiter Fairy dressed up to go to a masquerade ball with the Boil Elf. The Goiter Fairy visits people at night and if they have a goiter on their neck she leaves toe nail clippings from Bob Saget in their bedroom slippers. The wand is nothing more than a goiter sizing device used to decide just how many toe nail clippings the lucky person gets.

And the Boil Elf does the same thing except he occasionally likes to pop the boil and leaves Erik Estrada chest hair in your soap.

[Xig note : Somebody hold me. I'm scared.]

Elendil:

It's not a wand at all, it's just a prop. And she's no angel, no stranger to the street. You have to realize that even if angels did exist we wouldn't be able to take pictures of them and post them on the net. This is just some depressed fool who thinks she can make herself feel better by dressing up as some creature of mythical beauty, like Shandi or Moldy or any other beautiful capper I don't recognize by their real-life email address. Not that I'm saying that capping isn't real life.

Besides, my view of an angel contains considerably fewer clothes.

Imagine Penny of Lost in Space....(cough) never mind.

[Xig note : *kiss* *kiss*]

Agent_Moldy:

Elendil, get that camera out of my house! *L*

Beedo:

The wand is so she can run around San Francisco, tapping Judy Garland impersonators on the head and saying in a squeaky, Glinda-esque voice, "But you've ALWAYS had the power to make your wish come true!"

From there, it degenerates into Tom of Finland territory. Don't make me go there.

Agent_Moldy:

Of course Angels carry magic wands! And demons wear flowers in their tails, & the saints have a really kickin' speed metal band. Geez, John, where have _you_ been?

Shandi:

And I bet they eat whipped cream right out of the can too!

Phibes:

Why, Xig! You little devil you! Bondage supplies? Sex toys? However did you find this URL? -- Never mind, I don't want to know!

The answer to your question is obvious: rent a copy of "Scrooged" with Bill Murray. The Ghost of Christmas Past (and presumably a member of the Angels' Union) had a star wand. She used it to transport Bill Murray to various places in his miserable past. Also, there is an unsubstantiated rumor that the wand contains a vibrator, but that discussion is beyond this email... Besides, in Heaven you can do anything you want to ;-)

I hope this clarifies your dilemma.

Sincerely, The (occassionally) Abominable Dr. Phibes

[Xig note : I found this web site when I looked at the URL on the profile of a popular lady capper who shall go nameless... for now.]

Agent_Moldy:

It's not a wand, it's an all-eternity sucker.

Chubber:

It is actually the HALO that I'm drooling over. Ya see my three year old son keeps falling into the toilet, this would allow me to use it as a hardened ASS GASKET and keep my boy from falling into his own poop. Thanks XIG I'm going to run out tonight after work and pick one up.

Phibes:

Oh, Lord! I know it's totally perverse of me, but I can't stop laughing at the mental image of a semi-clad three-year-old, bent over double and stuck in a toilet seat! Oh, mercy...

But seriously, why stop at just the halo? Just think of the permanent psychological damage you *could* do if you also dressed him in the wings and gave him the "wand" to wave around as nature called! As a fiendish experiment with life-long ramifications, this one would make the Mads jealous!

-- Yours in science, The Abominable Dr. Phibes

FirebrandX:

It's so simple XIG! It's Paula Jones As the wicked witch of the West! Somehow God messed up in the paper work and she got into Heaven, or Hell has no vacancy, either way IT'S PAULA JONES!

144b:

Why does an angel need a wand?

10. Because she pawned her harp.
9.Needed a side arm but still had to use faith.
8. Had to find something to whip devil's pitch fork.
7.A baseball bat sends the wrong mesage.
6. It's a sign of protest until Roma Downey wins an Emmy for Touched by an Angel.
5. A toolbelt would mess up the areodyammics of the wings
4. The wand is for the studpid angels
3. Helps kickstart the halo.
2. Completes the ensemble.
1. Doubles as a toothbrush

[Xig note 1 : "baseball bat" ... Ha!]
[Xig note 2 : Everybody made typos but "studpid" was too funny to fix.]

JoeCrow:

Why an Angel has a Magic Wand in his / her hand is simple.....

If he / she had it anywhere else it would either chaffe like a bear, sting like a bitch, or hurt like hell.

Come on, I didn't finish High School and I know that.

But more importantly where WAS the wand and why is she smelling it?

Generik:

Angel? Is that an angel? I thought it was Susan Sarandon... Dammit, Janet!

Okay, I have four theories:

1.) That's no magic wand, that's the pin that she and 3000 other angels will dance on the head of.

2.) She's really Miss Nancy, from Romper Room, who went off to heaven to claim her reward a few months back; and that wand is the device that she used to use on TV to see all the good little Do-Bees watching her show. "Romper, bomper, stomper, boo..."

3.) It's a cattle-prod to be used on blasphemous, foul-mouthed, unbelieving bastards like me, who deny that angels even exis--##!@ZZ%%^%Z^&&*ZZZ^*&%Z))##@%^ZZZ**$#$)_!!!!!! OW!!! CUT IT OUT!!!! ...Jesus, that hurts.

4.) If you scroll all the way to the bottom, you see a line of what are referred to as "keywords" -- touch the star with your cursor, then scroll down and touch the keyword or words that best describe you now, or what you'd most like to be. At this moment, I'm a slutty adult Pocahontas! Woo-woo-woo!!

I'd like "Girl's Town", with Mel Torme and Mamie Van Doren, please, because my great-aunt Elinor is in it. She plays Mamie's kid sister (true!).

amycamus:

Why does the angel have a wand?

o/~"How do you handle a probe held by Maria?....How do hold a moonbeam* in your hand?"

*just another euphemism for anal probe....

(Oh my! I've made another 'anal probe' joke - what's happening to me?)

omniknight:

It's not an angel, it's an evil cross-dressing psychopathic alien bent on world conquest weilding an otherworldly death ray! AAGHH!

(how's that?)

BadBoy1:

After a lengthy investigation of Xig's inquiry, Ms. Angel is more than likely about to beat the living CRAP outta Mr. Xig. for sending out her Prized Photo Session Picture fresh from Victoria's Secret. (with the 'wand' that is) and more than likely...after her little crap beating episode...she'll probably wave that magic wand over some freshly whipped up Waffle Batter...she really likes waffles ya know........especially enjoying them with her long time boyfriend BadBoy1...who makes a really superb Homemade Maple Syrup. So if Xigeous continues to send out proprietary Pictures of Ms. Angel....He'll probably be wandering around the sewer pits with a wand up his sphincter. :-)

[Xig note : Oh, yeah, like I'd ever let THAT happen again!]

Werefox:

Ah, the angel with the magic wand.... hmmm let's see. Last time I had the unfortunate chance of meeting that particular one it was used to smack my poor little vulpine head (^><^ ouuch). Needless to say it hurt... Oh well, lets hope that never happens again!

Sarchasm:


1. Freak superglue accident.
2. If you lift up the star you get a tasty piece of candy.
3. She's the angel in charge of cleaning Heaven's bathroom, and that's her toilet brush.
4. There was a costume ball in heaven and she decided to show up as a fairy. Not Harvey Fierstein--the Peter Pan variety. Oh, never mind!
5. The shaft of the wand conceals a short sword.
6. When fighting the Negaverse, a real cheesy animated background can appear behind her at which point she spins around in place while chanting, "Moon.... wand.... power.... BLAST!" and a tiny little ball of energy will dissipate whatever threat she's facing. (I just had to use an anime ref somewhere in this.)
7. She is, in fact, the angel of death, and the scythe is in the shop.
8. She got the role of the fairy godmother in heaven's production of "Cinderella."
9. Aesthetics?
10. She uses it to keep away Archangel Torgo.

Hope that helps to clarify.

Werefox:

Well I asked her and she beat me over the head again ^><^ *ouch*. So when I asked her why she did it she said in a sweet little angelic voice you asked me to... so I bit her.. well you can only guess what happened then. She called the pound and they came and gave me rabies shots ^Oo^ (even more pain). I think I know now why she has it it is to make my life a living HELL *whap* hey stop that *Whack* hey I didn't mean to say Hell *Thwack* Hey, don't do that again....
Arghhhhhh!!!!!!
I'll send more when I shake off that Angel!!!! (runs away wildly screaming)

E_B_A:

Sorry but you're all wrong.

Angels consider skewered and slow-fried star fish to be a supreme delicacy. (Everybody knows that)

YingYang:

Her vibrator's in the shop for the time being.....

Beedo:

As for WHY an angel would need a magic wand, the answer is simplicity itself: to beat the stuffing out of all those damn plum fairies which are getting EVERYWHERE nowadays. Plus, some of those Judy Garland impersonators have some very disturbing wishes. I need to lie down, now. Yick.

Acrylic:

1. Larry Flint presents "The Best Christmas Pagent Ever!"

2. This is what you get when Dreamworks adapts the Book of Matthew.

3. Tinkerbell's homlier sister.

4. And maybe, just maybe, she's the capping angel, who will wisk away all your bad caps, if you only only believe in her...

BuckFifty:

As I sit here pondering the mystery that is the magic wand for the Angel, the movie Robot vs the Aztec Mummy (unMSTed version) is playing in the background...Oh, damn, the mummy (who's missing the required "Mummy" bandages)just did some severe beating on the Robot! Hot damn! Haven't seen anyone go down that fast since that whole Lewinsk...um, nevermind. Won't go there. Oops, movie's over, gotta switch tapes.

There we go, got unMSTed Santa Claus Conquers the Martians going, should make concentrating on the problem at hand easier...Damn theme song's got a pretty good groove-thang going on...o/"Hooray for Santy ClaaaAAAAuuusss"/o. *bustin' a groove*. Hrmph...sorry about that. Ok, back to the angel...

Heheheh, that picture reminds me of the time I played Madame Rose the Gypsy lady for one of our Murder/Mystery evenings. We were short a woman, so I donned the skirt, blouse and rouge and took one for the team. Should'a seen my dad's face when I ran across the parking lot of one of the local coffee shops to show him how form fitting said skirt was...poor guy. Had the crystal ball, cigar and everything...but once again that goes back into that "Monica" realm. Sorry about that. Did I say all that out loud?

What? The angel? Oh...Hey! Dropo! I don't know anyone who wouldn't like to drop kick that chump...I'd serve him up a whole can o' whup ass...wouldn't even open it. Angel? What? Oh, the picture! Well geez man! It's just some coked out whore! Notice, glazed eyes? Thinks she can fly? White! HA HA HA!! Who's she trying to fool? And the wand? Look closely...a little closer...closer...it's...TINFOIL! Get over it! Obviously not a good whore either...I mean, where's the pumps? Tight leather? Chicken feathers? I mean, sure the wings are a nice touch, but you just can't beat a lady of the evening with chicken feathers...if you ask real nice...and pony up and extra 20 bucks, she'll use the whole chicken. Mmmmm, everybody needs a little KFC....

Hope this has cleared some things up for ya. Gonna go blow up my inflatable Spider Man...

J_Hawk:

Here are some ideas.

1) She needs something to hammer the horns into her head when they pop out.
2) It's a switchblade for the Heaven and Hell get together and God won't let them carry a nine and bust a few caps.
3) She's blind and seeing eye dogs don't fall into the "all" group of dogs after one tried to drag St. Peter across a street and ripped his clothes right off.
4) She's picketting against the dark by waving stars in the sky.
5) It's a Halloween party in Heaven and she wasn't very original.

Note to Xig, "La." I think it's a C note. I don't know music...

Geier:

She is the very model of a heavenly iconoclast,
Dispensing love from God above so Heaven's joy will last and last.
But down to Hell she also goes,
To give the naughty well-earned blows,
And so the wand (as she well knows)
Has but one use: The damned to blast.

...or...

Because "Heff" has gotten really tired of the whole "lollilop" schtick.

...or...

It helps her push her halo back in place when its wires bend.

...or...

Excerpt from "Forgotten Heresies Of The Sub-Genius":

Tawny (the name of the be-wanded angel) is actually a diabolical "double-agent", out to foment chaos, confusion, and existential angst in the hearts of the faithful (or merely gullible) by planting the subtle seeds of doubt and fear. For she knows (as do all "right-thinking" people) that - partaking directly of the god-head as they do - angelic servitors need no mere instrumentality to do the bidding of the Almighty, but only the power of their righteous belief. By appearing with a crass, materialistic object in her hand (sparkly though it may be), Tawny hopes to make the otherwise-faithful flock doubt the omnipotence (or indeed, the reason) of an all-powerful deity who populates the world with weak-willed, fallible men and then proceeds to blame them for His own mistake. YOU can help battle her nefarious plot! Any time you see a woman dressed in white or named "Tawny", go up to her and loudly proclaim her to be a "wand-stroking Jezebel" to her face. Even if by some unlikely happenstance she is NOT in league with this "Judas-in-a-skirt", your public denunciation of her will serve as a warning to all potential Tawny-followers to eschew the ways of this doe-eyed faerie godmother-wannabe.

Robofreak:

I have cleverly deduced the following: It is a picture that proves the existence of the tooth fairy! Quick, sell it to the Fox Network! Oh....I'm gonna go home and yank out all of my teeth right now! I'll be rich, RICH! Let's see...32 teeth x 25 cents or so a tooth = $8.00....oh, nevermind.

Enapov:

Why would an angel need a magic wand?
Because she really isn't an angel - She's the messenger of death.
One tap and you can see the angels for yourself!
Of course if you are one of the many cappers on CAPTION THIS!
You may be stuck up the butt with a swizzle stick from a red little man sporting some horns and bad breath.

Soth:

It's so obvious. It's not a magic wand at all. Rather, it's a sharpened weapon for angels to battle against demonic foes, evil people, and CBS representatives that want to book them as guest stars on very special "Touched By An Angel" episodes. Please note that this is only the light angel infantry. Heavy angel infantry have bazookas, laser cannons, and SCUD missles.

LiannaSky9:

The basic theology of Christianity, that upon which the American society is based, has become so overused and bastardized that it's not surprising to see this picture masquerading as legitimate. As I remember from my years as a lackluster Christian, angels were beings without sex (but usually male anyway) dressed in white, and often too bright to look at. Angels never had wings or halos in these descriptions. Although Revelations goes into more detail with what are called "living creatures," these creatures are not even remotely human. They are endowed with wings, but resemble more the Gryphon of Greek mythology than the angels personified in Renaissance paintings. Humanity has added wings and halos (which have no antecedent in any of the writings), so why not add a wand? Angels are not even divine beings, being given to error and emotions that are considered the province of humans. Satan was an angel, as we will remember, and there are many documented stories of angels descending to the earth and taking human women for wives, for no other reason than the angels thought the women were attractive. These unions produced giants, abominations, which were undeniably the fault of the angels who had gone astray. The angel seen here is typical of the Christian faith as mass-marketed to the American people: attractive, fluffy, easy-to-swallow, and commercialized as Hollywood and Madison Avenue dictates. A wand? Soon she'll be carrying arrows like Cupid, or presents like Santa... hell, maybe even money like a politician. The angel that can be bribed. A gorgeous concept. This isn't an angel. It's a travesty of the true Christian faith that's worse than Gus Van Sant's remake of Psycho.

Big Xig Note : After all this I have ONE question...

Why would an angel need a magic wand?

Any more theories?


This page hosted by GeoCities Get your own Free Home Page