Hi there. This post is just to let you know that this is the
first of many (hopefully). It's a long one, so be sure, be
very sure! :-)
SFX- A TARDIS is slowly spinning in the center of a galaxy (as in the
1987-1989 Dr. Who opening credits). Below the TARDIS is the BBC
symbol.
Announcer "Good evening. The BBC would like to remind its viewers that
the poster of this program, Greg McCambley, would like to
hear suggestions for possible spoofs. Also, the BBC has a
message for all American fans: BWAAAAA HA HA HA! You will
never get BBC Dr. Who books as long as we live!!!!!"
(The Announcer spends a few seconds quieting down, although you can
still hear him giggling)
"And now on BBC, a new comedy program, Monty Python's Flying
TARDIS."
-------------------------
Scene- The interior of the TARDIS, 1996 movie version. The 8th Doctor
is standing at attention behind the console, facing the camera.
8th Doctor "Ladies and gentlemen, I am not simply going to start the first
episode of this series with the jokes that were planned, as we
have been told that the Queen of England will be watching part
of the program tonight. She is apparently watching `Baywatch'
at the moment, but we will be informed when she changes the
channel."
Voice (off-camera) "Which Queen?"
Doctor "What do you mean, which Queen? Queen Elizabeth, of course!"
Voice "Queen Elizabeth the First, or Queen Elizabeth the Second?"
Doctor (quite exasperated) "Well it's not likely to be Elizabeth the First,
is it? I mean, I knew her, and visited her on
several occasions, and not once did she mention
to me that she owned a TV set! TV sets weren't
even invented then! How could Queen Elizabeth
the First even own a TV set?"
Voice "Maybe the Monk brought her one, then set her up with electric power."
Doctor (looking thoughtful) "It's a possibility, I suppose..."
(The Doctor begins setting the coordinates, when Grace walks in)
"Ah, Elsie, there you are."
Grace (looking into the camera with a look of dread on her face)
"I'm not your Elsie, I'm your Grace"
Doctor (looking pained) "What a terrible line!"
Grace (looking resentful) "But it's my only one!"
(The Doctor and Grace begin arguing about the terrible script writing,
and then we hear the Announcer begin to speak)
Announcer "Well, while they're busy arguing, I guess it's up to me to
start the show. And now...."
-------------------------
SFX- The TARDIS is flying through the Vortex, and the words "Monty Python's
Flying TARDIS' fly across the screen. As the TARDIS gets to the center
of the screen, a large, animated foot squashes it.
-------------------------
Scene- A windswept mountain pass at night. There are large outcroppings
of rock amidst fields of short, sparse grass. A wheezing groan
suddenly appears, drowning out the sound of the wind. A large,
rectangular blue box appears, with a flashing light on top. The
groan then stops, and only the howls of the wind are heard. Then,
the door of the TARDIS opens, and we hear voices.
Jamie "Where did ye say we were, Doctor? It nae seems verra hospitable,
although it seems a little like Scotland."
2nd Doctor (looking around) "Well, I didn't say. Not yet, anyway. I want
to see if I can confirm what the instruments
said."
(He looks around with keen interest, noting every aspect of the territory,
and comparing it to pictures drawn in a book titled `500 Year Diary'.)
"Yes, that certainly seems right, but I must
make sure..."
(He picks up a sample or two of rock, and brings them over to the light
that is spilling out of the TARDIS doorway, and looks at them through
a handlens. Jamie is getting impatient, and is keeping a watchful
eye on the rocks around them)
Jamie "Where's Victoria, Doctor? It canna take this long to change."
Doctor "Oh, I'm sure she'll be out shortly, Jamie." (He closes the book and
smiles)
"We did make it there! That's wonderful!"
Jamie "Och, so ye do know where we are."
Doctor "Well of course I do. We're in the Himalayas. We're in Tibet!"
Jamie "Aye, and where's Tibet?"
Doctor "In Asia, Jamie. It's a long change of mountains. Specifically,
we're on Mt. Everest. Forbidding. Aloof. Terrifying.
The mountain with the biggest..."
Victoria (just leaving the TARDIS, cuts him off) "Doctor?"
Doctor "Yes, Victoria?"
Victoria "I have a theory."
Doctor "Oh yes, Victoria? What is it?"
Victoria (looks around) "Where?"
Doctor "No, no your theory."
Victoria "Oh, what is my theory?"
Doctor "Yes."
Victoria "Oh what is my theory that it is. Well Doctor you may well ask me
what is my theory."
Doctor "I am asking."
Victoria "Good for you. My word yes. Well Doctor what it is that it is-this
theory of mine. Well, this is what it is-my theory that I have,
that is to say, which is mine, is mine."
(The Doctor and Jamie are beginning to look exasperated by Victoria)
Doctor "Yes, I know its yours, what is it?"
Victoria "Where? Oh, what is my theory? This is it." (she clears her throat
at some great length)
"I think we're in Tibet."
(Jamie rolls his eyes skyward, and the Doctor does a double take)
Doctor "Well, thank you Victoria. You seem to have summed up the situation
quite nicely."
Victoria "Thank you, Doctor."
(As they are talking, the camera pulls back away from the TARDIS, to
reveal a full `Monty Python's Flying TARDIS' crew. Sitting in a crew
chair is Jo Grant, going through her lines.)
Reporter "We are quite privileged to be here, on the set of Monty Python's
Flying TARDIS, talking to Miss Jo Grant. Miss Grant, you were
on "Doctor Who" for three seasons, until you decided to leave.
What made you decide to join this program?"
Jo Grant (smiling sweetly) "Well, I realized that I missed the closeness
that we had shared on "Doctor Who", and so
when the offer to do this show came, I jumped
at the chance."
Reporter "And what are you doing on the `Abominable Snowmen' set?"
Jo Grant "The wonderful aspect of this program is that it allows me to
appear in stories I had never been in before, and this is
one of those stories."
Reporter "What part will you be playing? A plucky little Tibetan woman?"
Jo Grant (giggling) "No. The Producers convinced me that I could play
a Yeti."
Reporter (look of surprise) "A... Yeti?"
Jo Grant "That's right."
Reporter "You...will be playing a Yeti?"
Jo Grant "Yes."
Reporter "Won't you find the costume a little warm and heavy?"
Jo Grant "Oh, I won't be needing a costume. How hard can it be to play a
Yeti?"
Reporter "Have you ever seen a Yeti?"
Jo Grant "Well I've seen one. Well a little one...a picture of a...I've
heard about them."
Reporter "Yeti are large fur covered creatures which are actually robots
designed as slaves for the Great Intelligence! How could you,
an attractive woman, possibly play such a thing?"
Jo Grant (desperately fighting back tears) "Method acting?"
Reporter "You're a very silly woman and I'm not going to interview you."
(Reporter gets up and walks off-camera. Jo sits there mentally composing
herself).
Jo Grant "Things weren't like this when I joined `Doctor Who'."
SFX- The picture begins to go all wavy as Jo begins to reminisce about
"Terror of the Autons".
-------------------------
Scene- The interior of the factory office from "Terror of the Autons".
The Master is standing in the office, with a hypnotised Jo
standing next to him.
The Master "I am the Master, and you will obey me."
(Jo Grant nods)
The Master "Now, what shall I do with you, Miss Grant?"
(He goes over to a package, picks it up, and brings it over to Jo)
"Take this little surprise over to your friend the Doctor.
I'm sure he'll get a bang out of it."
(Jo nods, and she takes the package and leaves. The Master, smiling to
himself, goes over to the desk and sits down. A few seconds later, the
red question mark handle of an umbrella slams down on the desktop)
7th Doctor "OK, Master...Don't move!"
The Master "The Doctor!"
SFX- Animated crime-series-type titles, with suitable music:
`BBC FILMS'
`IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE GALLIFREYAN HIGH COUNCIL'
`PRESENT'
`THE DOCTOR'
`STARRING THE DOCTOR'
`AND INTRODUCING RASSILON AS THE VOICE OF RASSILON'
`SPECIAL EFFECTS BY RASSILON'
`DIRECTED BY RASSILON'
Scene- Interior of the Panopticon on Gallifrey. A crowd of Time Lords
are gathered around, waiting for The President of the High
Council to speak. The Doctor is desperately heading towards
the Panopticon, trying to stop an assassination.
Lord President "My fellow Time Lords, I have a few words I must say to
you all..."
(The Doctor arrives)
4th Doctor "The speech, Lord President! Don't give the speech!"
Lord President "I, your President..."
(The President is immediately shot down)
4th Doctor "I was too late. The President is dead."
CUT TO:
Scene- The interior of the Tomb of Rassilon. President Borusa is standing
next to the body of Rassilon, who's image is floating nearby.
The 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 5th Doctors are all standing off to the side.
Rassilon "So, Lord President Borusa, you seek Immortality!"
Borusa "I do."
Doctors 2,3, and 5 "The ring, Borusa! Don't touch the ring!"
(Rassilon's image turns its head to indicate the Doctors)
Rassilon "And what of these beings?"
Borusa "Do not listen to them, Lord Rassilon. They are my servants."
Rassilon (asking the Doctors) "Is this true?"
3rd Doctor "It most certainly is not!"
2nd Doctor "Don't believe him!"
5th Doctor "Don't listen to him!"
1st Doctor (indicating his other selves) "Don't listen to them!"
Rassilon "You believe he deserves Immortality!"
1st Doctor "I do!"
Rassilon "Very well."
SFX- The image of Rassilon disappears, to be replaced by Rassilon in the
flesh. He is wearing the most glittery, gaudy robes one could
possibly imagine.
Rassilon (arm around Borusa's shoulders) " Lord President Borusa, do you
still want Immortality?"
Borusa "Yes, yes."
Rassilon "I'll offer you a poke in the eye."
Borusa "No! I want Immortality."
Rassilon "A punch in the throat."
Borusa "No."
Rassilon "All right then, a kick in the kneecap."
Borusa "No."
Rassilon "Lord Borusa, I'm offering you a boot in the teeth and a dagger
up the strap."
Borusa "Er..."
Doctors "Immortality! Take the Immortality!"
Borusa "No, no. I'll take the Immortality."
Rassilon "Very well then, Lord Borusa, you have won tonight's star prize,
Immortality! Put on the ring."
(Borusa puts on the ring, and eerie organ music begins to wail. Borusa
grimaces in pain, and his hand falls to his side. The ring disappears
from his hand, only to appear back on Rassilon's hand.)
"Well, Doctors. Congratulations. You may say your goodbyes and
go. You have chosen wisely!"
(Rassilon abruptly fades away, leaving the Doctors alone with their
companions. They all make their goodbyes and pile into the TARDIS,
which then splits into several segments, returning them to their
separate time zones. Chancellor Flavia then appears, with a full
squad of Gallifreyan guards.)
Chancellor Flavia (calling out) "Doctors, are you here?" (Silence.)
"But who'll end the show?"
Voices (off) "You'll have to do it."
Chancellor Flavia "Me? But I couldn't possibly. I'm not a star of the
show!" (getting angry) "This didn't happen in the
original program!"
Jo Grant (coming from off-set) "That's what I was saying earlier!"
Chancellor Flavia "Honestly! What kind of show would treat such revered
programs as Doctor Who and Monty Python so shabbily?"
Roll end credits
Monty Python's Flying TARDIS
was created by
Greg McCambley
from ideas originally created
for programs that were far,
far better than anything I
could come up with. :-)
It would take far too long to
list everyone involved in the
development of both programs,
so a very great thanks must go
to them all (they know who they
are). :-)
If you have any ideas, and would
like to see them in Monty Python's
Flying TARDIS, please feel free
to e-mail me. I'll see what I can
do.
Thanks for reading these little
bits. You can shut your computer
off now. Spend some time with a
loved one. Feed your cat. Let
your cat feed you. Let your
cat feed your loved ones. See,
life can be enjoyed in a variety
of ways, some of which are better
than sitting in the dark staring
at a small screen. Come to
think of it, I'll probably go
watch an old episode of "Dr. Who"
or "Monty Python" or something,
so please disregard that last
statement. :-)
^M
Greg McCambley (this is what I'm saying)