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PICARD is sitting at the table. The camera moves slowly to reveal his interrogator's face.


PICARD: You can't possibly be Bill Gates!  Were'n you assasinated early in 21st century ?! Under mysterious circumstances ?

GATES: No, no... that was my clone. I survived miraculously, like all other malevolent Star Trek beings !

PICARD: But cloning was not developed on earth until twenty second century ! And it still does not explain how you survived for over 500 years !

GATES: (interrupts) Well, what is the point of discussing things that can actually be explained and debating the issues that can be resolved! You already figured out that the whole "Metageneric" thing was a fiction devised to capture you.

PICARD: Of course. Tell me - how did you know that Starfleet would send me on this mission ?

GATES: Easy. In the whole Federation history there were only three Captains who allowed themselves to be jerked around by Starfleet. One of them is already dead, the other mysteriously disappeard 10 years ago. You were the only possible choice.

PICARD:  Well, okay. But why did you capture me at all?

GATES: We need to know how the the Federation is planning to resist our invasion .

PICARD: (shocked) YOU ARE  PLANNING AN INVASION ?

GATES: Come on Picard, tell me. What the Enterprise do when we invade your space ?

PICARD: The usual - Go to red alert - explode some consoles.

GATES: I need information ! Your battle plans ! Your prefix codes ! Your email passwords ! Oh and did I warn you ? If I am not satisfied with your answers, you will DIE !

PICARD: (scornfully) A brave man can only die once. A man like you dies every time his computer crashes... And if it's Windows NT you are using, you must be dying at least 5 times a day !

GATES: (tires to be reasonable): Listen, Picard. The least that can happen to you here is that you will be tortured and killed. That's a given. However you can enhance this otherwise ordinary for you experience by feelings of guilt and remorse...All you need to do is help us ! What do you say ?

PICARD: No.

GATES: Oh, very well. (To guards): strip his of his clothing and his dignity !

GUARDS (grab Picard by the collar of the uniform and start tugging it)
(two minutes later)

GUARD 1: Er, Bill... We can't do that! It's those damn Starfleet Uniforms ! No buttons ! No zippers, either ! 

GATES: Hmmm... Well, that's okay. I'll think of something equally vicious. Guards, you may go.

GUARD 2: But Bill, aren't you afraid to stay with the prisoner by yourself ? You are so weak and geeky, and he is so cool and tough ! What if he tries to kill you ?

GATES: PICARD ? No, it's not his style. In fact, it won't occur to him even now that you mentioned it. Go !

GUARDS exit, leaving PICARD and GATES alone.

BILKO stands in front of the mirror, making faces.

TROI walks in, fully dresed.

BILKO (sticking his tonugue out) Ah, counsellor ! 

TROI (wiping tears from her eyes) Sir, has there been a misunderstanding ? The binarians are ready to meet with you... They have been waiting for you for 2 hours already !

BILKO ( rolls his eyes ) Yes, I know ! ! !

TROI (in confusion ) So... Why are you making them wait ? Why are you standing here, making faces in front of a mirror ?

BILKO: (snarls TROI BACKS OFF.) This is a very useful diplomatic technique.
exits the ready room and proceeds to the bridge. TROI follows him closesly

BILKO: (to TROI)  You see, first thing you always have to do is to deliberately insult the enemy. This always gives you an upper hand in negotiations... It confuses them and makes them respect you - at the same time !

TROI : I see, Captain.

BILKO (Walks into the conference lounge, and the doors close behind him )

TROI (to RIKER): Come on, Will, say something !

RIKER: Well, he seems competent. I'd say there's still a chance for peace.

Doors to the conference lounge open again.

BILKO enters the bridge, with a huge black eye. Then, two binarians exit, and give BILKO the finger.

BINARIAN 1: See you in hell, moron! From now on - it's WAR !

BINARIAN 2: (crying) We came here hoping for peace ! We offered you our friendship! And that's how you treat us ! 

TROI : (to BINARIANS) : Do you want to talk about it ?

BINARIAN 1 : Talk !?! Why would we want to talk to YOU, prettyface !?!

BINARIAN 2 : Well, maybe we could talk ... if you wore a really short skirt and a....

TROI : I can change ! The Federation can change !  Let's discuss it peacefully  !

BINARIAN 1 : No, it's too late for that... But we will be sure to beam you out before we vaporize the Enterprise...
(to BINARIAN 2 ) : Hey look - it rhymes !

BINARIANS leave.

BILKO stans on the bridge, devastated.

BILKO (to TROI) Well, counsellor ?  Is not it your cue to say "It's not your fault... You've tried your best! " 

TROI (coldly) Sorry. I only say it to Riker.

BILKO (to WORF) They have Captain Picard! Our security is compormised !!! Quick - change everything PICARD knows! And I mean - everything! Shield frequency, the prefix codes, the lunch menu, our AOL password ! 

WORF (grimly) Aye, Sir. Does it mean we are abandoning him ? 

BILKO: No! No, No. No, not at all.... Well, yes.

BILKO (  hits his communicator ) : BILKO to ENGINEERING ! 

LA FORGE: ENGINNERING! What can we do for you, Captain ?

BILKO: We are at war ! Prepare the ship for battle ! 

LA FORGE : Aye, Sir ! Gladly ! LA FORGE out  !

BILKO (heads for the ready room)

WORF ( grimly ) : I don't understand LA FORGE'S attitude... He sounds so eager ! It's disgusting ! 

RIKER : Yeah, what's wrong with him ? Why does not he hate the new captain ? Maybe he is under alien influence ?

TROI: No, it's just that with the new Captain, he is getting more lines than he got with PICARD for two seasons ! No wonder he sounds so happy  ! 

PICARD is seated in front of a TV.

GATES hold a remote control in his hand.

GATES: I must ensure your cooperation ! In order to do that I will inflict terrible pain on you. Permit me to demonstrate.

PICARD: Sure, go ahead.

GATES: turns the TV on, for a second.

A scene from Sailor Moon flashes.

PICARD's face contorts in pain and revulsion. He gasps for air and falls on the floor in agony.

GATES: Surprising, is not it? Most people don't expect it to be so bad... In fact, some think they can watch an entire episode!  Nobody is ever prepared for the sheer horror of it, the intensity of the pain... (his voice trails off ) .Now, what was I asking?  Oh yeah ! If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how much wood would the woodchuck chuck ? 

PICARD  I don't know ! 

GATES: Not good. Not good at all. All right, let me ask you another question - why did the chicken cross the road ?

PICARD: I don't know!

GATES: turns the TV on. Once again, it is Sailor Moon, and once again PICARD collapses in pain.

BILKO, RIKER, DATA , TROI, WORF and LA FORGE sit at the table in the conference lounge.

DEANNA: (whispers to RIKER ): Will, are you allright ?!? You look preoccupied.

RIKER : (whispers back): I have a strange feeling. Like I forgot something important.

DEANNA: (whispers): Don't worry about it. If it was really important, you would have remembered it.

BILKO: (loudly): AHEM! Alright men!  We have a lot of things to do. There will be war! There is a huge enemy fleet nearby, and it's about to attack us . We must find a way to wipe them out! 

RIKER: Should not we ask them to release Captain PICARD first? I mean, if we start firing at them while they still have the Captian, we may kill him accidentally !

BILKO: Well, I have to admit... The BINARIANS offered to release PICARD and forget all about the incident. All they wanted in return was for us not to start a war.

RIKER ( smiling ): Well, what did you say ?

BILKO: I refused, naturally.

TROI, RIKER: What!!!

BILKO : I did not want them to think we are AFRAID of war ! That would be a sign of weakness !

WORF (with a reluctant approval in his voice ): A warrior's response !

BILKO: Well, now all we need is a plan to win the war! (His hands are shaking as he takes a marker and writes "PALN"  on one of the walls )

RIKER: ( to TROI, sighs with relief ) Oh, good. He has a plan. I was aftaid he was gonna make us think.

BILKO: I NEED a plan, people.

TROI (whispers back: ) Will, no. He does not have a plan! He has no idea what to do !

Everyone sits quietly, looking dumb.

BILKO glances from one dumb face to another... Then breaks down, falls on his knees and starts crying.

BILKO (sobbing): Well...Maybe I don't need a plan! Maybe I don't need a plan at all!  Maybe all I need is a puppy ! Yes, a puppy !!! 

The crew looks at BILKO at first in disgust, then horror. Suddenly, LA FORGE walks towards BILKO and pats him on the shoulder.

LA FORGE: hey, Captain... Don't cry. I have a plan.

BILKO: Wha...what ?

LA FORGE: I have a plan. We can beat them and get PICARD back.

BILKO: Really ?

LA FORGE: Really. (helps BILKO get up )

BILKO: Looks severly at TROI, RIKER, WORF and DATA : Well ? What are you staring at ? We have a plan ! Let's hear it... LA FORGE ! How can we beat them ?!?

LA FORGE: Well, those BINARIANS are very proud of their MICROSOFT tradition. All we have to do, is to fly a shuttlecraft quietly to each ship and paint an "Apple Macintosh" logo on each ship. If we do that, we can force them to retreat in shame.

BILKO: What a wonderful idea, my boy! Now, can you fly the shuttle ?

LA FORGE: Yes, sir. I will take DATA along - he is the only one who can paint in vacuum.

BILKO: Good, good. Do it !

LA FORGE: Aye, Sir. Come on, DATA.

DATA: No. I am afraid that the unethical and bizzare actions of the current Captain require me to resign. It is the right thing to do... Sadly, my ethical position may well cost Captain PICARD his life... and us ours.

LA FORGE : Now, Data, come on! (Quietly) You are not allowed more than 6 ethical crises per season!  If you don't go now you will have to kill the exocomps next week ! Come now ! 

DATA and LA FORGE leave.

RIKER (to Deanna ): I still have this feeling that I am forgetting something! 

PICARD sits in front of the TV. BILL Gates stand behind him, holding the remote.

GATES: Answer the queston ! Is the glass half-empty or half-full?

The  doors open. One of the GUARDS comes in.

GUARD: Bill, there is a customer here, to buy some software! 

GATES: Oh, very well. Show them in.

GUARD: What, here? You can't torture and sell software at the same time !

GATES: Ah but it's so hard to draw the line between the two... Now where is that customer?

CUSTOMER walks in. Sees PICARD weakened by torture, and backs off.

CUSTOMER: Er, must be the wrong room. Sorry.

GATES: No, no. Come in. I have been waiting for you. Your package is on the table. (points at the table at the oter side of the room ) Go on, take it.

CUSTOMER: heads towards the package, opens it and inspects it.

PICARD (to GATES, quietly ): You know I am surprised at you!

GATES: Why ?

PICARD: To let your customers see this... Pain that you are inflicting.. Aren't you afraid to scare them off ?

GATES: PICARD, you are so naive! When people see another man suffering, they immediately assume it's his own fault!  And congratulate themselves on being smart to have avoided it ! 

PICARD: That's not true! We've evolved past that! 

CUSTOMER (Walking past PICARD):  What's up with him ? Lost his credit card ?

GATES: Wow! You can tell just by looking at him ?

CUSTOMER: Of course.(to PICARD) You are an idiot. (Leaves the room.)

GATES: (snickers at PICARD) : Heard that? No, did you hear that ? Hhhhhah !!! You actually thought someone would feel sorry for you ! 

PICARD: You know, I may be naive but at least I am nice.YOU - you are plain obnoxious. I predict you willl be miserable all your life. You will never make friends ! Never get married !Your illegitimate kids will hate you ! Your spirit will be empty! And you will DIE ALONE ! Like Kirk  !!!

GATES: STOP IT, PICARD! Don't taunt me !  Or I will turn this on and leave you in agony all night ! Do you have any idea what eight  hours of   "Sailor Moon"   will do to you ?

PICARD: YOU WILL DIE LIKE KIRK, I TELL YOU! LIKE KIRK !!!

GATES: You are testing my patience, PACKARD!

PICARD: Hah. You called me PACKARD!!!

GATES: Oh. Sorry. Must be these new dentures. ( Composes himself.) So, say. What's green, has six legs and flys in circles in may?

PICARD: Um... A constitution - class starship?

GATES (turns the TV on)

PICARD screams and falls on the floor.

RIKER (to WORF): WORF, I have a strange feeling. Like I forgot something important.

WORF: Don't worry about it, Sir. A true warriror is supposed to have weak memory.

RIKER (smiling) : Really?

WORF: What ?

BILKO's communicator beeps.

BILKO presses it. BILKO here  !

LA FORGE: Sir, it's done. We have painted the APPLE MACINTOSH LOGO on each ship. You can call the reporters.

BILKO: Well done ! WORF, call the reporters! Transporter room, beam LA FORGE and DATA out of the battle zone ! RIKER, activate viescreen. TROI, look like you are about to say something meaningful.

WORF:  Sir, there are ten class reporter ships moving into attack position! They are taking pictures of the BINARIAN ship!

BILKO: Good... good! Monitor the Binarian ships closely !

WORF: Their self-respect is fluctuating... Self - confidence severely compormised...Their desperation levels are at 10 per cent... 47 per cent... 98 per cent... Sir, they are hailing us !

BILKO: On screen!

BINARIAN 1 : Well, Bilko, you won. We surrender unconditionally. What do you want?

BILKO: Well, first of all - don't ever show up here again. At least not until the end of next season!

BINARIANS: All right. We are going. Bye.

BILKO: Suckers! Loosers! ( Starts making faces at them as the ships moving away, chased by the reporters. )

WORF: Captain, the enemy fleet is out of communicatons range.

BILKO:  Phew! (stops making faces) 

RIKER: I have this strange feeling... Like I forgot something? 

BILKO: Oh, yeah? So do I!

WORF: (with contempt) You forgot to tell them they are morons, Sir.

BILKO: Yes, that must be it ... NO! wait a minute! Damn! I  forgot to tell them to release PICARD!

TROI: (starts crying) How could you, Sir? How could you ?

WORF and RIKER start crying as well.

2 GUARDS walk in.

GUARD 1: Well, it appears they won this battle. We should probably let the alien...er the human go now.

GATES: Yes. Yes, that sounds reasonable. No. Wait. We have some unfinished business. (to PICARD) You have to answer one question before you go.

PICARD: (tiredly) what question ?

GATES: ( Shows him his hand.) how many fingers do you see ?

PICARD: I see four fingers.

GATES: No. There are five. Tell me you see five fingers and you can go home.

PICARD: There are four fingers !

GATES: I don't see how you can be so mistaken. There are five. Are you quite shure ?

PICARD nods.

GATES : Well , in that case I am very sorry but I can't let you go.

Door to the cell opens. JOHN HURT walks it.

GATES: Hey - the guy from the "Alien"! What are you doing here???

JOHN HURT: And 1984!.. ( Walks towards GATES' desk and opens the drawer, pulling out a stack of papers. ) That's our script you are using ! Do you have ANY IDEA how long it tooks us to make that damned book into a script !!! (Stabs his finger at Gates)  And you - you just rip it off, with out respect for copyright, for your own sadistic pleasure!!! (FUMING) You are despicable ! You will be hearing from our lawyer ! (to PICARD) Come on. Let's get out of here. I will give you a ride to your ship...

PICARD and JOHN HURT leave the room. At the door PICARD stops , and turns around:

PICARD: (to GATES) In spite of all you have done to me I find you a pitiable man. You don't even know that a thumb is not considered to be a finger.

(leaves)

PICARD enters the bridge. BILKO gets up to greet him.

BILKO : (to Picard) Well, seems you've survived this assignment, Captain. Good for you. I'll just leave now. You will find counsellor Troi dressed, LA FORGE happy and ship greatly improved.(to everyone): Even though you hated me from the moment you saw me, it has been an honor to serve with you.

(leaves )

TROI, WORF, RIKER and DATA run towards PICARD and hug him.

PICARD : Alright, alright calm down everyone. Nothing to get excited about. So... Beverly and Wesley are okay ?

TURBOLIFT  door opens. BEVERLY and WESLEY enter the bridge.

BEVERLY ( angry : ) Alright ! Who forgot to pick us up at the randez-vous point !?

RIKER: Oooops.

BEVERLY ( dangerously ) : Why you slimy ....

RIKER: I AM SO SORRY !!! ( cries ) I tried to remember! I tried so hard! I could not - I was not good enough, not strong enough....

TROI (to RIKER ): Will, that's okay. It's not your fault,.. you've tried your best. ( Holds him )

PICARD: My friends, my friends! Calm down everyone! We all had a really bad day. No need for anger and bitterness now. Mr Worf, open shipwide channel.

WORF: Sir, for the hundreds time, Klingons do not open channels !

TROI: I 'll do it. walks to WORF's station and opens the channel.

PICARD: All hands, this is Captain Jean Luc Picard. We all suffered tremendously today. I was tortured, you were forced to think, work and obey orders...but now it's over and all of you can go back to normal.

The bridge crew sighs with relief. RIKER looks around, picks up the virtual reality gameset and puts it on his head. Data takes out a chinese finger puzzle out of his pociket. Deanna undresses quickly.

TURBOLIFT door opens and LA FORGE enters with a very pretty girl, who is kissing him passionately.

PICARD: GERODI has a date ??? Since when ?

LA FORGE : ( smiles ) Hi, Captain. Sergent ...er,Captain BILKO fixed me up with her before he left.

PICARD : Yes, Mr LA FORGE. I see. It is also my understanding that you came up with the brilliant plan to defeat the binarians? 

LA FORGE: (nods modestly)

PICARD : So if not for you, I would still be tortured by the evil aliens?

LA FORGE : Maybe.

PICARD:  Well, I suppose I owe you a favor.  ( takes out out his phaser and shoots the girl.  The girl starts glowing, transforms into a horrible - looking beast and explodes, filling the bridge with green ooze.)

LA FORGE: WOW! How did you know, Captain ?

PICARD: ( With just a little bit of overacting ): Know what ? That it was a mutant shapeshifter, sent in to infiltrate Starfleet  from the future of a parallel universe ? Why, GeordiI, that was OBVIOUS! (to everyone) I am surprized that none of you noticed sooner!  

Everyone applauds loundly.

TROI : Bravo! Bravo! 

WORF: (wiping a tear from his eye) : It's good to have you back, sir. What would we do without you ?!