PART THREE
Chakotay, still in uniform, left his quarters and strode down the corridor to the nearest turbolift. He couldn't wait to come off duty. He'd had his discourse with Admiral Swanson and Ambassador Grell. He'd been held up by mediating between two young ensigns which reminded him of a Torres-Carey standoff in the early days of Voyager. There was no Naomi Wildman on board, but a visiting cadet on a three month experiential block looked so green, she might well have been ten years old and completely in awe of him when he had his interview with her.
All the time he kept thinking of Kathryn, of his mission, of the possible fallout with her when he'd completed his mission. Then too, he kept thinking of her appearance, the glow which followed the almost hollow look in her eyes. If she continued… These thoughts stayed with him all day. He had been alarmed when Admiral Swanson shared with him her parents' concern that Kathryn couldn't part with Voyager. What he discovered filled him with even greater disquiet.
When he finally could get away, he'd spent the time in his quarters - once Kathryn's home for seven years - poring over records of Kathryn's visits to the holodecks over the years. Her regular visits to the Research Laboratory only started two years ago, as Lessing corrected guessed, right after their sojourn on Quarra. Chakotay was convinced, however, that their Quarran experience had not been the impetus for Kathryn's rather deviant behaviour.
Kathryn, he knew, was never going to indulge in onboard trysts with subordinates. He was her friend, her mentor, her moral compass, her guide and stay, her everything but a romantic interest. He was her subordinate, and that was what he had accepted. He had made his peace with that years ago. Kathryn was rigidly Starfleet, and while he sensed at times that she could love him as he loved her, he had known she'd never involve herself while, as she had said too many times, "My primary goal is to get my people home." She'd programmed for herself a lover Michael in the Fair Haven programme and had outgrown him before Paris deleted it. Her sexual exploration in lieu of a physical and intimate relationship was more than just seeking that kind of release.
Chakotay passed two ensigns who greeted him profusely and then scurried away. In the lift he sagged against the lift wall and closed his eyes.
"Deck Six, and God help me."
"Please rephrase."
"Deck Six."
The turbolift started moving. He knew what he was going to do, had seen and briefly experienced Zoltán in action and thought how Kathryn could have become drawn into this illusion. Nothing was real, even though it must have felt real. For her it had. Her visit yesterday to Deck Six had been noted by him and in the hours after that had left Kathryn flushed, precisely as if she had just had sex. He had seen her not long after she left the lab and knowing what to look for, could see that her heightened colour, the heavy lidded eyes that seemed to smoulder when she greeted him before hastily vanishing from sight had been the result of Zoltán's hold over her.
It was 0200, Kathryn's favourite time for visiting the holodeck and Research Lab. A routine check on her whereabouts established that she had left her suite ten minutes ago. By now she was almost certainly inside the lab. He felt a wild thumping against his ribcage, a pulsing that throbbed even in his ears.
"Captain…"
He opened his eyes and realised the turbolift doors had opened on Deck Six and droopy-eyed, perpetually sad looking Lessing, of all people, stood waiting to enter.
"Good luck, Captain. I do hope that you understand that a situation such as Admiral Janeway's is a process that will require counselling over a period of time. I also know that her recovery will be facilitated only by him who loves her with all his might and who will remain by her side even when things go tough…rough…"
"Thank you, Lessing. I shall remember your words."
He exited the lift and quickly walked towards the holodecks. Fortunately, the corridor was deserted with no insomniac crewman dwelling about. At the door of the Research Lab he paused and inhaled deeply.
"It's now or never," he whispered as he entered the codes and the doors slid noiselessly open. He stood a second inside the doors and waited for them to close. The door were situated in such a way that he couldn't immediately see the computer console, and had to round a little corner first.
He stepped forward, slowly, on his toes. He saw the computer console, silently moved past it. He had done all the reconfigurations the previous day. Chakotay looked at the centre of the room.
Voices.
"Yes…do it now…"
"Kathryn, my love," he heard Zoltán's voice, "you're in a hurry…be patient my love…"
Chakotay closed his eyes for a moment, felt the bile rise in him. Kathryn lay on the reclining seat, her dress pulled high over her hips, a light dusting of golden curls covering her mound. He tried not to look, but couldn't help himself as he stared at her slit, transfixed. The bodice of her dress was pushed down to expose her creamy breasts. Her hands were above her head, held there by light streaks emanating from the walls of the main computer core. She gyrated her hips while an unseen Zoltán was creating the illusion of fucking her.
He heard Kathryn's little mewling noises and felt like wanting to murder Zoltán. He knew Zoltán would sense his presence once he touched Kathryn.
"I love you, Kathryn," he whispered to himself in painful wheezes. "I love you…" Watching her lie there so exposed, he wanted to weep desperately. What was happening was wrong.
Aroused, he undressed slowly, never taking his eyes off Kathryn, off her exposed lower body. His cock strained against his pants and when he pulled them down, it sprang erect, hard and filled with heat. He wanted her, he was ready and she was…reeling from Zoltán pulsing pricks.
He gripped his cock, frigged it briefly. It seemed to grow bigger in his hand. He wondered absently if Kathryn had noticed that the seat had been reprogrammed to be wider.
Chakotay lowered himself over her, bracing his hands at her sides. Then he caressed her thigh very gently. It was satin soft; he reeled from just that light brushing.
"You are an intruder, Captain," he heard the displaced voice of Zoltán speak.
"Back off, Zoltán, this lady's mine. I'm real, you're not…"
With the visor over her eyes, Kathryn couldn't sense his presence. He had made sure of that. Chakotay touched Kathryn's wet throbbing folds, then continued to brush them gently. Her hips bucked. He strained to keep his control as his thumb grazed her nub, already exposed and quivering. He groaned.
"Away, Captain. She belongs to me…"
"And I told you to back off. Can't you see she loves my cock?" Chakotay growled, rubbing the knob of his cock against her pussy. He groaned again loudly this time as Kathryn responded instinctively to his insistent rubbing. He had never made love to Kathryn. This sensation was about to kill him. He was breathless, her reaction to his slow lubricating of her core almost his undoing as she raised her hips to him.
"Oh, spirits, Kathryn," he cried as he leaned forward and entered her. She felt tight, surprisingly tight, but her pussy walls stretched to accommodate him. "God…Kathryn.." he cried against her neck as he began pushing into her. Her heat enveloped him, her slickness drew him further into her.
When he filled her completely, he felt a momentary sense of swooning, but recovered when he heard Zoltán's voice.
"Don't listen to that voice, my love. He's taking advantage of you…"
Chakotay ignored Zoltán. Instead, he began moving in Kathryn, felt her juices surround him.
“She’ll hate you forever, Captain. She hates you now…”
“I love you, Kathryn…” he whispered close to her ear. She arched, made a little mewling sound. He gave a grunt of pleasure. Kathryn was responding to him. Her legs came up and pinned his waist. He grunted again, then kissed her in a brief, searing kiss.
It's now or never…
He placed his hands at the sides of her head, kissing her reverently before slowly, slowly, removing her visor. He kept thrusting, the urge to pound her mercilessly tempered with ruthless self-control.
When the visor fell off, Kathryn blink several times, before her gaze met his. He knew he had disabled Zoltán for now. When recognition dawned, she blinked again, her eyes moist.
"C-Chakotay…?"
Her body stilled, her knees dropping away from his hips. He stopped thrusting. He held her head, laced his fingers in her hair. He wanted to swear because she looked so vulnerable, so flushed with sex. His cock throbbed a steady rhythm in her.
"I love you, my Kathryn. Only because I love you so…" he began, stammering with passionate entreaty. "Please…"
Shadows flickered in her eyes, shadows that danced like Guilt, Surprised, or Passion, Undone, or Shame, Welcomed. Then her eyes closed. "I love you…" he whispered. For several heady seconds he waited, his heart hammering, his eyes moist with tears. He waited…waited… She held his gaze; the shadow dancers moved away. Her mouth fell open, moist lips that made him want to break.
Then her hips moved under his. She was slick and wanton. He gave a sob as her legs came up again and clung to him. Her hands, now freed from the computer core, with Zoltán kept firmly away for now, gripped his shoulders, damp with need. She kept her eyes on him, watched their movements as they seemed to mirror in his eyes. She began to gasp, her mouth open. He kissed her open mouth, began thrusting hard into her. They moved together, his hands in her hair, his lips against hers, groaning as he pounded. He wanted to make love to her all night, never stop. He wanted to lie with her in her bed or his bed and hold her close to him. Kathryn bucked against him and when he felt her stiffen, he knew she was close to the edge of the chasm. He cried out sharply when her nails scored his back as he slammed his cock into her.
"Kathryn!!!"
She gave a long, keening cry as she crashed over the bottomless chasm, pulling him with her. Sometime during those moments, he lost consciousness, he was sure of it. Sometime during those moments, he and Kathryn became a single entity, a sentient unit filled with passion so intense that tumbling mindlessly down, down into the chasm was a welcome release.
A welcome release.
They landed softly, like a cloud coming to rest peacefully. Everything around them was no longer dark, but white, bright light.
Chakotay, soaked in perspiration, still locked firmly to Kathryn, raised his head first, giving a tight smile. They were on a bed in the middle of the Research Lab. A bed with white, satin tangled sheets. His hands were still grasping her head, fingers laced in her hair, her mouth open, so close to his own that he kissed her tenderly.
Her face was wet and he used his thumb to brush away the dampness. He felt no inclination to be separated from her. He had never made love to her and now that he tasted her, drove, if only temporarily, an illusion away from her, he couldn't imagine being without her again. He was still hard and his cock still pulsed inside her.
"Open your eyes, Kathryn…please…" he begged.
She turned her head to the side. Another tear seeped from her closed eyelids, soaking into the sheets. A sob escaped her. Her body was still warm, her core slick with his semen. Slowly, he began to thrust again, very slowly. He was aroused again, keeping the slow, lazy thrusting. She shifted, his heart rejoicing when she spread her legs and arched into him.
"Look at me, sweetheart…" he pleaded again.
She opened her tearstained eyes.
"I am Chakotay…Chakotay… It's my voice, Kathryn, my voice you hear. Listen to my voice… You will be free of him, okay? Because I'm here…I'm real…real…real…real…"
All the time he thrust gently into her, his heart racing as he realised her body welcomed him, and that her spirit embraced him.
But Kathryn didn't utter a word, and when she reached her climax, clung sobbing to him. He held her close, her face flushed, her hair damp. Later, when they had both become calm, he disengaged from her, smiling sadly when she tried to hold on to him as long as possible. He sat down next to her and started to tidy her dress, smoothing her hair. Her dress he noticed, had pockets and from it she removed a large wipe. Smiling again, he took it from her and very gently began to wipe her. When he finished, he began to dress while she waited for him.
Finally, neat again in his uniform and she in her dress and shoes, he held her close.
"Computer, end programme…" he ordered. Next instant the bed was gone.
He saw her frown, pressing his fingers tenderly against her lips.
"Deleting him is up to you, Kathryn, honey…"
She opened her mouth to say something, then closed her mouth, her eyes filling with shame. He pulled her close to him again, resting his forehead against hers, cupping her cheeks with his palms. When he had done swearing silently, he held her away from him.
"Come, I'll take you to your suite…"
Kathryn acquiesced, a tired smile breaking through the shame.
When they stood outside the lab, the corridor was again deserted. Hand resting on her shoulder, they moved towards the turbolift. At the entrance to her suite, he paused, turning her to face him. This time she looked at him, her eyes pensive.
" Zoltán was my life…" she said softly.
"I know, Kathryn. Look, if you like, we can talk in the morning, okay?"
He thought that they had to talk about what happened, especially his part in it, his feelings, his love. But right now, Kathryn looked exhausted. He was tired too and the few hours sleep he had left would help clear his brain.
"How - how long did you know…?"
He expelled a sigh. She had to know about Seven of Nine, Noah Lessing. Only the truth, however much it hurt.
"Seven was doing a maintenance check of the holodeck programmes. All but yours had been taken off by the crewmembers and loaded onto their personal consoles until Starfleet Command was satisfied that Voyager was "clean". By matching the dates, yours seemed to be the only that was still active. It had a subroutine you named Zoltán. Lessing mentioned that you spoke of a Zoltán while you were unaware that he was still within earshot. I'm sorry, Kathryn…"
She nodded, then quietly turned to key in her code to open her doors. Without another word she entered and closed the doors. He stood there a long time before turning to leave for his own quarters.
***
It was morning. Kathryn woke sluggishly as her chronometer chimed 0600. Memories of what happened during the night in the lab swamped her. She had Zoltán with her and in her. Then later, Zoltán's voice had faded away, even though her body felt heavier, or that a heavier weight was pressing against her.
Closing her eyes at the memory of Chakotay moving in her, she felt a hot prick of tears. He knew her secret now. Still, she couldn't help touching her mound, pressing her hand against it. It felt sore, stretched, used. Real semen had dripped from her, Chakotay's semen. He loved her, the thought screamed in her brain. But so did Zoltán. It seemed to her now, hours later, when she could think about it, that Zoltán and Chakotay fought for control of her body and her soul. In the swirling haze of passion she could see the two, one a figment of light and programming and the other, flesh and blood making love to her so that for a while she was caught up in the twin sensations of passion. She could even now, hours later, hear Chakotay telling Zoltán to back off, or Zoltán demanding that Chakotay move away from her.
She realised now that Chakotay must have gone in earlier and reconfigured Zoltán's subroutines. Zoltán had been acting strange, like suggesting that she had been there earlier. Was that why his voice and sensory parameters were disabled the moment the visor was removed? She had not been surprised that it was Chakotay whose body writhed against hers, but her shame was too great. It was always going to be Chakotay, she realised with a pang, who would make her body respond the way it had last night. No, she hadn't been surprised when she saw it was him, and her body, her heart, her mind and soul welcomed the man who had been by her side for so many years. She pictured his face again in those moments, the way he whispered over and over "I love you". In those moments Zoltán was gone from her mind completely and only Chakotay existed - alive, his flesh joined with hers - and for the first time she could run her fingers along his back and score deep scratches which, more than anything, made the experience of lovemaking a mutual sharing.
"Oh, God…" she moaned, burying her face in the soft pillow. Chakotay made her feel, really feel, for the first time. Her entire body was alive, tingling, Chakotay's skin against hers remembered by every pore, every centimetre of skin. She still smelled of sex, had simply tumbled into bed after stripping her dress off.
Now memories of Chakotay assailed her. He had been gentle, so gentle with her, understanding, loving, caressing. He had been rough, hard, so tender that she cried. She had almost forgotten how caring he could be and last night… Several minutes long Kathryn stretched dreamily, bathing herself in the memories of Chakotay making love to her, loving her.
When her door chimed, she sat bolt upright, pulling the sheet right up to her chin.
"One moment…"
Then she scrambled to put on her robe and tie the cord at her waist, dashing from her room to stand in the lounge.
"Enter."
Chakotay stepped inside and the door closed behind him.
"We have to talk, Kathryn," he started, pushing her gently to sit on her couch. He sat down next to her. "I've done something - "
"Right."
"What?"
She sighed deeply.
“They way I know you, it was a difficult decision to make.” She smiled when he nodded. “You would never betray my trust or invade my privacy, so when you did, I knew you’d do it at the risk of losing me…again…” She had cried last night in bed, thinking about what impelled him to such an act, that he could love her so much that it was the only way he knew he could help her.
“I’m glad that you understand.”
"Zoltán was always jealous of you, Chakotay."
"Zoltán, or Voyager?"
Another pained sigh.
"After a while it became a blur. I was unable to break with Voyager, you understand?"
"And you used a programme to feed that addiction…"
"Voyager, you must know, was to me - "
"Like a part of your family. You felt as close to Voyager as you did to any other member of your crew. You once told Tuvok that."
"Yes. In the last year on Voyager I became deathly afraid of losing her…"
She saw Chakotay smile, his eyes bright.
"What?" she asked.
"You made Voyager a girl again."
"I was deranged."
"I was always there…"
She felt her eyes burn with unshed tears. Reaching to trace the outline of his tattoo, she said softly, "I know. I just forgot…I traded too much on our friendship…I'm so sorry…"
"It's not over, Kathryn," he said bluntly, yet his voice was tinged with tenderness.
"You will be there?"
"Always. Besides, now that I've tasted heaven, I'd love a daily dose of it…"
She thought how Chakotay filled her completely, how just the physical contact, flesh against flesh made her realise how real it was, how suddenly, she craved such contact.
"Will you join me for breakfast at 0700?" he asked, taking her hand in his.
"Mess Hall?"
"Captain's quarters."
His dimples deepened. She leaned forward and kissed him on the lips, a kiss that lingered. When she pulled away finally, Chakotay got up. He looked a whole lot more relaxed, and relieved too. Why, she thought with wonder, he looked…happy.
"I'd better get out of here, or I won't be able to get out of here…"
**************
Chakotay watched in silence as Kathryn, now in uniform, stood in front of the computer console in the Holodeck Research Laboratory. They had had a pleasant day which started when they met for breakfast in his quarters. He had refrained from touching her again, but Kathryn had no such restraint and often kissed him. She looked relaxed, even happy. His fears that her healing might be a long process had begun to evaporate. Her eyes were clear, and it almost unsettled him because it was so very different from the way she had looked every time she had come on board Voyager. His heart sang. It was going to be all right after all.
They had lunch in the mess hall where Lessing had nodded approvingly and Seven of Nine had greeted them with a smile before joining Harry and Tom. Kathryn’s discomfort had been brief, for Lessing and Seven, and indeed the former crew who passed their table in the mess hall all had warm, approving looks.
It was time for her to leave. He had not pressed her for any future plans. It was her call, although he was happy at last that she knew how much he loved her.
"It was those words that pulled me to my reality, Chakotay," she had told him an hour ago. "I am humbled by the power of your feelings. But please, give me time, okay?"
He had nodded, squeezing her hand gently before kissing her. Zoltán, he knew, was going to haunt her still for a while, but she was on the road to recovery.
"I'm leaving tonight, Chakotay," she had said earlier in his ready room.
"But?" he asked, because he sensed that something was on her mind.
"Come with me to the Research Lab?"
He had looked long at her, his mind whirling with the magnitude of her words. He had nodded silently, and she had clasped his hands in hers. The moment was too hallowed to speak.
Now Kathryn stood ready to do what she felt she needed to do.
"It's the start of the healing process, Kathryn," he said softly.
"No, Chakotay, honey, the healing has already started."
He smiled. "Then I am glad."
She remained thoughtful for a few minutes, facing away from him. Then he heard her give a great big sigh.
"Computer, delete Janeway Beta 4-7-7."
**********
My dear Chakotay
Two years ago I when I felt in my bones that we would soon be home, fear of losing Voyager, of losing my family made me do something stupid. It was folly, and only a fool could entertain the notion that a programme, however sophisticated, could substitute human need, human emotion, human sensuality. To a fool (me) it made sense to seek out an alternative such as Zoltán to feed that need in me where I didn't have to engage in the demands of a relationship with a human.
I suppressed all feelings, was always ready to forego joy and ruled my kingdom at the expense of personal happiness. It was too important for me to see that my crew was happy. My primary goal was to bring Voyager home. My primary duty was to ensure the safety of my crew. I was married to the Federation and upheld its laws like a good and obedient spouse, with its intrepid starship my home and its inhabitants my family. I felt the same closeness, the same bond to Voyager as I felt to my family and when you lose someone very close to you, you mourn the loss of that person intensely. Over the years I have experienced such loss that caused me to descend into dark realms. The thought of losing Voyager became unbearable and as you know, when we returned, I had no choice.
So I created Zoltán.
By the time I wanted to stop what I feared was becoming an addiction, it was too late. I couldn't stop. Heaven knows what would have happened to me had you not rescued me. Zoltán and Voyager. Voyager and Zoltán. They were one and the same, the one a representation of the other.
The shame will be with me a long time, Chakotay. I don't mind admitting that. But it is also the joy in discovering that real love was right within me and right beside me, that will forever remain the foundation of what you and I have.
I was blind, too blind to see this, my love, and for that I am indeed so very sorry.
I am on my way to Earth with the knowledge that I shall see you in three months' time and anticipate the joy that you can tell me you wish to hold heaven in your hands.
You saved my life.
********
A year later on New Year's eve…
It was cold, but Admiral Janeway braved the inclement weather as she waited near the transporter station at Starfleet Headquarters. She had sent her aide home and told him not to lose sight of the real things that matter in life.
She was excited. Chakotay would be home after a two month long stint in the Vomar System in his new vessel, the USS Abyssinia, a constellation class starship. The Abyssinia would remain docked at Earth’s Spacedock for a month before leaving on its next mission into deep space.
She couldn’t wait to see him, especially to touch him again. She missed him like her very breath and her last communication with him had been fraught with frustration, making her want to claw the vidcom monitor and score long scratches on its smooth surface.
Smiling to herself, she thought of the resolutions she had made a year ago and how she had managed to stick by them. Chakotay was a wonderful man who could set her alight just by his smouldering black eyes and his dimpled smile, the open invitation during their subspace communications to make love to him.
That he loved her for so long, brought back a twinge of guilt, and it brought to the fore his words of comfort, “We’re together now, honey. That is all that matters…” She’d expressed her feelings for him in a moving letter and when they met again three months later, had fallen at his feet and declared her love for him, over and over. Her resolutions the previous year had been simple, seemingly unattainable. She’d wanted to separate herself from Voyager, had wanted to make it up to Chakotay and ask him to help her.
This year she had three.
Resolution one: Propose to Chakotay and surprise the devil out of him.
They had been occupying a bay in the Metropolitan Opera house and during Cio Cio San’s stirring “One fine day”, she had taken Chakotay’s hand, slid down close to him and asked him to marry her. If Chakotay had been drinking coffee, it would have spluttered right down on poor Cio Cio San so surprised he was. Two weeks later, one fine day in May, Owen Paris joined them in marriage.
Resolution two: She vowed to let Chakotay have his daily dose of “heaven in his hands” whenever he was home from a mission. He was always ready and she was always available, on a daily basis. He never tired of making love to her. She never tired of telling him how much she loved him.
Resolution three: Zoltán. Who the $%&@ is Zoltán?
“Dreaming again, Kathryn?”
He stood a meter from her and she dashed into his waiting arms. Her whole body warmed instantly in his bear-like hug. He held her close and she wanted to swoon when his lips came searing down on hers.
When she finally broke the kiss, she cupped his cheeks.
“Chakotay, darling,” she started, breathless from the heat of the kiss, her cheeks flaming in the cold, “I have made three New Year’s resolutions!”
He graced her with his perfect smile.
“And are you going to tell me, my love?”
“Only about a year from now!”
*****************
END