Kathryn
stood in the lounge and watched Chakotay. It was early morning and
He had a
drawn look, his facial muscles were tense,
the lines of his mouth grim. He had not spoken yet, and earlier he had
quietly gone about going to the bathroom, showering and getting dressed. It was
the getting dress that made her consider speaking to the EMH today, as soon as
she could get an opportunity to do so. Something had to be done. Chakotay was
moving away from her and
The Maquis
dress he had kept all these years still fitted him snugly, and it reinforced
once again his old ruggedness, the ruthless streak that simmered just
underneath the polish of Chakotay's civility, his great sense of honour and
fairness. He had been an angry warrior most of his life; with her he had become
her gentle warrior. The clothing was strong, dark brown colours that was
Spartan rather than a statement of fashion. He had been in the business then of
terrorist activities, being a renegade on the run. Clothing was just that:
practical covering that suited the aggression. On Chakotay it had become him.
That was
it. Chakotay always, always looked so much more aggressive in his Maquis
clothing than in anything else she had ever seen him in. His Starfleet uniform
was not only stylish but it suggested order, discipline, regimentation, a sharp
contrast to the high boots, the belt around his waist, the way his muscles
tensed at the arms and shoulders, even through the fabric.
That was
not all. A few minutes after he dressed, he had walked back to his wardrobe and
fished out his boxing gloves. Her heart sank. Now he stood, looking at her, the
gloves hanging from his fingers, and a tog bag ready on the floor.
"You
don't have to do that, Chakotay."
How could she keep the gnawing anxiety from her voice?
"I
don't know who I am, Kathryn."
"Let
me help you then, Chakotay. You're not - "
"How?
I'm reading things about a Commander Chakotay who is a different person, a
different man. It doesn't sound like me, Kathryn..." There was a note of
desperation in his voice. She tried to place herself in his situation, of
feeling displaced, lost, yet everything around her should evoke a recollection
of some kind.
Kathryn
closed her eyes. She saw the large, flat rock on New Earth, two persons lying
there in the sun, naked. Her fingers trembled as she brushed them across her
brow; when she spoke, it was barely above a whisper.
"Then
let me remember for you, Chakotay...please..."
Chakotay
took a step closer to her. The gloves dangled from his hand. His face looked
suddenly hard, the planes more chiseled than the smoothness she touched in the
evenings when they retired for bed. She had to remember that he had been
discharged from sickbay only a day ago; he was still ill, weak from his ordeal.
There was a determined edge to his voice. Kathryn wondered if Chakotay realised
at all how different he sounded. But then, how could he? He had no recollection
of the man he had evolved into; therefore he couldn't know what he had become:
a man of honour and valour. He was her warrior, and right now her warrior was
in an argumentative mood.
"How
would that make me happier, Kathryn? Or more contented? Or, the spirits forbid,
help me accept my fate?"
"Chakotay,
at least, you'll know how to deal with some of the situations that of necessity
you will encounter just walking the ship," Kathryn replied with sudden
fire. Her hands had gone where they always did when she was in command mode: on
her hips. Chakotay stared for a second, blinked and again Kathryn's heart
thundered that she might have stirred something.
"Look
at me, Kathryn Janeway. I am Maquis, it's all I remember. I've lived a life
that would make all your experiences on Starfleet vessels pale into
irrelevance. I've done things, and things have happened to me I'm not proud of,
but I fought for the freedom of my people, Kathryn. I have no family, I have no
ties, and here, on Voyager, I learn that half of the "family" I had
on the
"Chakotay,
we forged a new crew, and you have a new family. You have me, you have
He closed
the distance between them, gripped her shoulders so tightly that she winced in
pain, but Chakotay was oblivious to her discomfort. His eyes were coal black,
yet they sparked fire.
"This
morning, Kathryn, I awoke from what you tell me was a dream. I woke up and
there was nothing. Nothing! I cannot remember anywhere in my life that I felt
the sorrow so deeply. I've been angry, Kathryn, for a long, long time. I've
been tough, aggressive, I've killed men, I've been tortured - yes, don't stare
at me like that! I've felt loneliness; sometimes, just sometimes, there was joy
that I could save a woman from the clutches of Cardassian rapists. I've felt
loneliness, fear, compassion, empathy, sympathy, and sometimes, I damned felt
near to tears. I've lost so much, everything that connected me to a name, a
family, a home, Kathryn, but I can tell you I have never felt such deep sadness
waking up this morning. Never!"
He shook
her so hard that her tears spilled and rolled down her cheeks.
"You'll
get better - " she tried to placate.
"As
what? A living replica of a man who was your husband?"
"Who
is my husband! I'm sorry, Chakotay. I want to, but I can't give you back six
and a half years... Forgive me..."
"For
what? Asking me to assume the life of another man?"
"Chakotay!
You are my husband Doesn't that count
for something?"
Her words
sounded suddenly without her earlier fervour. She knew she was losing him. He
was angry, his anger borne out of his frustration that she and Tara were living
proof that his life changed and his dimensions forever shaped to include them,
and he couldn’t give account of it. How could she deny Chakotay's old life? How
could she deny the very cause that made the Federation send her after him to
bring him home, to justice and to prison? She couldn't, and however much she
tried to convince him that he was a different man now, Chakotay's recollections
of his life stalled when Gul Evek rained fire on him in the
"If I
could remember, it would, Kathryn. If
I could remember! So now, if you'll leave me alone, I'm going to find someone
on the holodeck I at least know!"
"Chakotay!"
In
desperation she threw herself against him and her arms clamped around his
waist. Chakotay's hands came up, the pair of gloves still dangling. Resisting
the urge to hug her very close to him and caress her hair and make her feel
better, he clutched her shoulders again and thrust her from him.
"Leave
me, Kathryn. I am dead!"
A loud wail
sounded from the baby's room and Kathryn swiveled round, then turned quickly to
look at Chakotay. Her eyes were dark with pain.
"She's
your little girl, Chakotay..."
Chakotay
hesitated for a second, then he turned on his heels and before Kathryn could
call him back, the cabin doors had opened and closed. Kathryn pinched the bridge of her nose,
blinked several times, then turned and walked swiftly to comfort Tara who had
pulled herself up in her crib and sobbed with large gulps.
"Oh,
sweet
***
Chakotay
stumbled drunkenly in the ring. His legs buckled under him before he came
upright again. Through his swollen eye he could just make out Baby Jake's
figure as his opponent pranced about on the canvas, punching the air while he
waited for Chakotay to close in.
"Come
on, Kid! Don't drop your arm! I said, don’t drop your arm!" Boothby
shouted.
Chakotay's
fists came up to shielded his face; he dodged Baby Jake's lethal upper left
hook, dropped his guard for a second when his legs buckled again. The next
moment a fist crashed against his jaw. His head jerked and he sagged to his
knees. Shaking his head to clear the wooziness he turned to Boothby.
"What
did I tell you?" the old crony mumbled. "C'mon, get up! Get up!"
Chakotay
tried to get up. He was drunk, one tooth was loose and blood oozed slowly from
a deep cut on his left eye brow ridge. He was certain his nose was also broken.
The eye had swollen to proportions impossible to see; it was useless to try and
peep through it. Through his good eye he could see Baby Jake dancing around
him. Struggling to get up and standing at last, Chakotay staggered towards his opponent. Baby Jake
threw a few shadow punches, danced around lightly and taunted:
"C'mon,
Sweet Chuck, you got ants in your pants! Jelly-knees!"
"I'll
kill you..." Chakotay warned as he threw a right jab at Baby Jake, but the
younger boxer deftly averted his slow punch and swung another sharp left hook,
followed by a left jab to the mid-section. Chakotay doubled up in pain, and by
the time Chakotay landed, he knew that his lip was split open, another tooth had dislodged and he was going
to vomit blood. He lay on the canvas, winded, dazed. For a few seconds the ring
spun around him, then mercifully, the spinning slowed down. He tasted his own
blood, then spit on the canvas.
"Okay,
that's enough, Baby Jake," he heard Boothby shout at the boxer.
"W-Wait..."
muttered Chakotay through swollen lips and eyes, lifting a gloved hand,
"I'm not..."
"Are
you mad? Baby Jake's got your number, Kid!"
"I'm
not finished..."
Chakotay
wobbled about, unable to see properly even through his good eye. His body was
bruised; his gut was punched raw. With his vision seriously compromised, he
managed to see the hovering blur of his opponent's gloves as he punched air.
Baby Jake's voice taunted him, called him Sweet Chuck again....
"You're
crazy, Chakotay, crazy!" Boothby's voice sounded dimly as Chakotay's ears
buzzed from the last blow to his face.
Chakotay
moved in on Baby Jake. The younger boxed was far more agile. Chakotay had not
fully recovered from his injuries and his head ached, but he was determined to
knock Baby Jake out.
"Come
on, Baby Jake," he mumbled through swollen lips, "let's see how your
puny left hook - "
"Kid!
Don't drop your - !" Boothby's shouted a warning.
Too late.
Chakotay was wide open as he dropped his fists to chest level. The next moment
Chakotay's head snapped back as a left upper cut followed by a right hook split
his eye-bank of his good eye. He saw
lightning sparks, a bright light overpowering him, then everything went dark as
he collapsed to the floor.
"Damn!
Damn! Damn!" Boothby cussed as he climbed into the ring and bent over his
boxer. He looked irritably at Baby Jake.
"What
the hell have you done!"
"You
said three rounds, boss. I went three rounds. I should have knocked him out in
one!"
"You
knew his weakness, Baby Jake. Better watch it. Next time, he will kill
you."
Boothby
bent over Chakotay. "Damn foolish man," he muttered as he checked
Chakotay's vital signs. Then he frowned, looked up at the young boxer who was
still prancing around in the ring.
"He's
dead, you moron! You killed him!"
He looked
back at the prone boxer, his eyes widening as Chakotay moved and started to
moan.
"Oh...hell,
what now?"
"Computer...end...programme..."
Chakotay croaked before he lost consciousness again.
****
When
Kathryn returned to her quarters during lunch time, she expected to find
Chakotay there. He had gone out early the morning, and they parted angrily. She
wasn't certain how he was going to react to seeing her again, but she had to
speak with him, confront him about his behaviour that was slowly affecting them
all negatively. Chakotay had looked so Maquis and so aggressive that she had
difficulty reconciling that man with the man she married two years ago. She gave a sigh. There had been so many
tears, even on her wedding day...
She took in
a deep breath when she walked to Chakotay's side and to his office area. She
frowned when there was no sign of him, then she hit her commbadge.
"Computer,
locate Commander Chakotay."
"Commander
Chakotay is in holodeck 2."
"Computer,
what programme is running?" As if she didn't know. He had taken his boxing
gloves and togs this morning.
"There
is currently no programme running in holodeck 2."
"What?"
"Please
restate your request."
"How
long has Commander Chakotay been in holodeck two?"
"Three
hours and forty minutes."
By the time
the computer responded, Kathryn was on her way out of the quarters. She walked briskly, almost knocking a
crewmember out of the way in her hurry. She had hardly time to note an apology
and nodded quickly. The ensign saw the concern on the Captain's face, but kept
smiling as she made her way to the mess hall where she was going to meet her
friend who would be the first to know that Captain Janeway was seen hurrying
again in the direction of sick bay. The ensign had no doubt that it was sick
bay since she heard the distress in the Captain's voice.
"Janeway
to sick bay."
"Yes,
Captain, what can I do for you?" the voice of the EMH sounded.
"Commander
Chakotay has been in holodeck 2 since this morning. There is currently no
programme running. I fear something may have happened to Chakotay. He's been in
there for hours and not responding to my hail. Get him out of there, Doctor.
I'm on my way to sick bay."
"Yes,
Captain."
"Janeway
out."
****
The second
Captain Janeway closed communication, the EMH beamed an unconscious Commander
Chakotay out of holodeck two. He lifted his eyebrows in mild surprise at the
Commander's condition as Chakotay lay on the biobed. The EMH shook his head
then set about scanning Chakotay's injuries, relishing the opportunity to
apprise the Captain of the notion that no one on Voyager actually listened to
the EMH anymore, and that Commander Chakotay was high on the list as one of
those individuals who was constitutionally unable to look after their own
bodies, particularly after severe injuries such as the Commander had suffered
not more than a week ago.
Didn't the
man ever listen? Who was he today? Kid Chakotay? The Doctor, who honoured The
Oath, had a hard time to keep himself from giving the Commander a what-for,
going three rounds just to knock sense into Voyager's First Officer. What was
he thinking? That his memory might return if he let some upstart boxer who
operated on adrenaline alone beat his brains to a pulp? Commander Chakotay's
brain had been shaken around in his skull like a beaten egg from the accident;
he was still on the mend and what was he doing? Administer Instant Home-Based
Medicare?
The Doctor
was as irate as he had been when he was first activated on Stardate 48315.6. He
needed to have Tom Paris here to deal with the Commander. Commander Chakotay had
overstepped the limits to which he had tested the Doctor's equanimity in the
preponderance of injuries from one person alone. He was no more going to deal
with swollen eyes and loose teeth and cracked jaws and broken noses than
transport rank pins from babies' stomachs. What did they think he was? A
country GP?
"Ah,
Captain. It's good you are here. Commander Chakotay is about to wake up,"
he said without greeting as Kathryn Janeway entered the sick bay.
"Chakotay!"
She hurried to his side just as he groaned awake.
"I'm
not finished, Captain - "
The
Commander and the Captain took no notice of the EMH who was still in the
process of regenerating broken skin and closing up the gashes above Chakotay's
eyes.
"Kathryn..."
"Do
you even recognise him, Captain?" the EMH said smugly, then stalked to
another bed where a sick ensign lay who was on the point of throwing up.
Kathryn had eyes only for Chakotay.
"What
happened? You were in the holodeck for hours, and - "
"Commander
Chakotay was beaten to a pulp by Baby "Iron Fist" Jake Watkins and
knocked unconscious," the EMH interrupted with unsparing honesty. He was
standing at Ensign Darkon's bed and shouted across the room.
"Care
to tell the Captain more, Doc, while you're at it?" Chakotay responded,
groaning again as Kathryn helped him to a sitting position. Kathryn held
Chakotay's hand, her eyes darkening with concern at the sight of him. His face
looked puffed, almost unrecognisable.
It was all
the EMH needed. Chakotay needed him first and he had other patients to see.
"He
lost his mouth piece in the first round, dislodged two teeth in the second, a
split lip, both eye brow ridges split wide open, and here's the cherry on the
cake, Captain. He had a broken jaw. I fixed that first. What a pity. The man
can actually speak."
"Go to
hell..."
"Chakotay!"
Kathryn looked aghast at Chakotay.
"I
think you'd better leave, Kathryn. I'll be alright."
Kathryn
dropped his hand, distressed at how resolute Chakotay sounded. Her lips
trembled for a instant and when he saw that, he softened somewhat.
"I'm
sorry, Kathryn," he sighed. "I'll be fine now, I just underestimated
my opponent - "
"He
compromised his own strength and well-being, that's what. Now, lie back,
Commander, you need a face lift."
Chakotay
grabbed the doctor's wrist. The EMH had been standing with the regenerator,
ready to repair damaged skin.
"Do
what you have to, Doc. I'll be out of here now - " Chakotay sat up again
and the EMH pushed him back unceremoniously.
"Captain?"
The EMH
looked at Kathryn Janeway, seeking her backing. She nodded grimly. Chakotay
needed to recover fully and he was ruining all his chances of doing so. He knew
what was happening to him. He couldn't remember and the attempt to find the
elusive links and images alone frustrated him; they came in his dreams which,
when he woke up, also remained grey mists. The Doctor, emboldened by the
Captain's approval, jabbed Chakotay quickly in the neck with a hypospray.
Chakotay's eyes widened for one second in total surprise before his eyes closed
and his body sagged into a relaxed state. Kathryn breathed a sigh of relieve.
"Thank
you, Doctor. I'll be in my ready room. I've arranged with one of the crew to
look after
"Certainly,
Captain."
Kathryn
turned to the sleeping man. Chakotay would remain sedated for the next few
hours. Hopefully he'll be calmer by then and she could attempt to talk to him
again. She leaned over, took his hand again in hers and kissed him. He didn't
stir at the touch, but she was gratified when a light sigh escaped him. When
she straightened up again, the EMH said:
"Captain,
I'll have to tell you now. Commander Chakotay will have to heal on his own. His
memory, that is. It's not going to happen with a knock to the head, or getting
beaten senseless in a boxing ring. It's not going to happen with conventional
medicine, and I would not recommend a mind-meld at this point."
"What
are you saying, Doctor?"
"There
are some things Commander Chakotay probably suppressed before the accident, and
those things are what I believe, troubling him. It's very deeply embedded and
well, there's no knowing when or what will trigger his memories..."
Kathryn
nodded, and prepared to leave. She was already at the sick bay doors when the
EMH said softly:
"I
guess she's not going to tell him..."
***
Tom Paris
was on his way to sick bay and whistling; here and there a word or phrase of
the song came out.
"...a
smile is just a smile..."
"A
lovely day for it, Lieutenant Paris!" Naomi Wildman greeted brightly as
she and Chell passed him in the corridor.
"...as
time goes by-y-y-y-y...!"
"Huh?"
"
"Oh.
Whatever. Right, Miss Captain's helper?"
Naomi shook
her head vigorously.
"Right."
"You
should try it!" Tom said as he approached sick bay. He turned round to look
at Chell and Naomi but they were out of audible range already. "Oh,
well," he sighed. "I'm guess I'm alone in the desert. The last person
who was interested in
Tom
hesitated before he entered. He would be alone with Commander Chakotay today.
The Doctor would be going off-line the minute Tom entered. "I need to
update..." he had said laconically this morning. Tom had not been fazed by
the Doctor's announcement. He had been left sickbay alone on more than one
occasion and he was more than capable of dealing with sick patients and healing
all ailments. And, he was in a good mood today. Not that he wasn't in one most
of the time these days. After B'Elanna's very sensual backrub this morning,
nothing could disturb his equilibrium. Even Miral behaved all morning, and, she
had taken her very first steps too.
Now
Commander Chakotay...
Chakotay
got beaten up quite badly by Baby "Iron Fist" Jake this morning.
Chakotay had lain unconscious in sickbay for hours before the Captain alerted
the EMH. It had been all over the ship by high tea time, courtesy Ensign
Darkon. The Commander had not been in the best of moods after that, and the
Doctor had been forced to sedate the Angry Warrior. The Warrior even chased his
wife out of sickbay, and that was something to behold. The Captain got annoyed
by the Commander's nonsense and he heard it was the Captain herself who
instructed the doctor to sedate her very angry husband.
Tom sighed.
He wondered how he would have reacted had he lost six and a half years of his
life. Everything BV - Before Voyager. He'd not have known B'Elanna, or that he
had married her, that they had a smart baby they called Miral, after B'Elanna's
mother...
Tom took a
deep breath and stepped forward. The doors of sick bay slid open. In the far
corner - he always referred to it as the High Care section of sickbay, he could
see the Commander sitting up. He had also seen in his peripheral vision how the
EMH had taken himself offline. He shrugged and told himself: Remember, Tom
Paris, you're in a good mood.
Chakotay
swung his feet off the bed.
"And
where do you think you're going, Commander? I have to run tests - "
"Out
of my way,
"Jeez,
I just got here, Commander. My, my - "
The next moment
Chakotay was standing on the floor. He pushed Tom away from him; Tom staggered
backwards, but recovered instantly. The Commander advanced, and he spat at Tom:
"No
mercenary is going to touch me. Back off!"
"Commander,
you forget," Tom started, emitting a light laugh, "your life belongs
to me - "
"What?
What did you say? My life belongs to you? You're nothing but worthless, no-good wash-out trash looking for
thrills in the Maquis! Move away from me, I said!"
"No,
Commander, if you'll let me explain - "
"How
many bars of latinum do you want this time,
"Nothing,
Chakotay. Come on, big guy, we're friends - "
"God,
me friends with you? What cause were you fighting for? You wouldn't know a good
cause if your Daddy bought you one!"
Tom could
have decked Chakotay right there. It was uncalled for, it was wrong, but
Chakotay was incensed. Chakotay was a sick man. His body was still healing and
his mind... Tom knew he had an advantage
he wouldn't use. Now, Chakotay hit home at something - an old raw nerve - Tom
had fought so hard to play down and forget.
The Admiral... Hell, the old man forgave him... Tom's hands went up,
giving in to Chakotay just at the moment Chakotay threw a punch at him It
landed against his chest.
But
Chakotay saw nothing but a barfly, no-good, no-cause arrogant spoilt brat who
joined the Maquis for the thrill of it and not because he lost his home, his
life, his peace of mind; not because he killed men in cold blood and was on the
run. Chakotay bristled as he spoke again, his words heated, passionate.
"I
lost everything,
"For
what it's worth, Chakotay, I also lost - "
"A
home? Your homeworld? Your family? Your peaceful existence, your freedom? Tell
me!"
"Fine!
You want to hear something, Chakotay? When you say you lost your home, your
family, they are gone. They're gone. In your heart you know you can't go back
because they're not there. Perhaps in an odd sense you could make your peace
with that. I - I wasted chances, Chakotay, and I'm not very proud of it. I lost
my family, yes! I lost them and I can't go back, because for a long time I
believed my father didn't love me. He hated me, I disappointed him; I failed
him, I failed my mother, I was useless. My father is alive, Commander, but he's
not in my life, and I want him to be so badly because I need to show him that
every man deserves a chance to make good. For me, stupid Paris who is
idealistic enough to believe in miracles, it means something that a man, my
father is alive somewhere. It breaks me up that he doesn't want me - "
Tom cheeks
flamed at the admission. He had spoken little of this to B'Elanna... Chakotay
backed down only momentarily.
"I
know what I fought for,
"Then,
Chakotay, I'll tell you that my life changed. Yours did too, by the way -
"
"Care
to tell me what happened, smart-ass?" Chakotay closed in again and landed
another punch, but Tom blocked him and caught his wrists. Chakotay, already
weakened, was getting weaker. At least, weak enough that he could hold back the
big man.
"Love
happened, Chakotay. For me, for you and for a lot of other people on this
vessel," Tom bit out.
Chakotay
stared at Tom, hard. Then he spat:
"No,
shit happened,
Chakotay
lunged forward and let fly with his fists. This time Tom let him land the first
punch. His head snapped back, and when he came upright again, he had his fists
balled.
"Fine,
Chakotay. If this is the way you want it, let's go!"
"Out
of my way!"
Chakotay
was blind with fury. He saw
"Chakotay!
What are you doing!"
Too late.
Chakotay's fist aimed for the smirking face and he hit home. Hard.
"Chak
- !"
It was not
Tom Paris who fell. Everything happened so quickly that Tom couldn’t prevent
Chakotay hitting out. The Captain had come between them... Shock registered on
Kathryn's face and before a stunned Tom could stop the Captain from falling,
she slid quietly to the floor and lay in a heap, unconscious. Already, blood
started oozing from her nose.
"Kathryn?"
A
distraught Chakotay bent down and touched his wife's face.
"Kathryn?
Oh, great spirits! Kathryn.... What have I done?"
****