The bridge,
Kathryn Janeway always thought, was the best place to hide one's emotions.
Sitting in the command chair issuing orders, she could give the appearance of
normality when all was a turmoil inside her. Since she
was surrounded by senior officers with whom she was in close contact on a daily
basis, she was forced to assume her role as leader, pro-active Captain one of
the fastest vessels in the Federation's fleet. Not to them could she show any
lack of control, or display emotions that were not in line with the smooth manner in
which Starfleet Captains were expected to make decisions or in the exemplary
acquittal of their tasks.
Thus, when
the turbolift doors aft of the bridge opened and Tuvok announced "Captain
on the bridge", there were no traces of her deep distress at the way
Chakotay had broken off the kiss in their quarters. She sat down in her chair,
glanced briefly at the empty space beside her and continued as if nothing had
disturbed the equilibrium of earlier, or her anticipation of meeting her
husband and hoping with a vain sort of hope that things had never changed
between them.
His kiss
had been the one sign that her world and its expectations had been rudely
knocked off its axis and that the road to Chakotay's healing was going to be a
long and difficult one. The odd nebulas they encountered that she could see on
her viewscreen, or the streak of stars when Voyager traveled at warp held
little appeal suddenly, but as a good and even great Starfleet Captain, her
old, old curiosity in the unknown had taken over and Kathryn Janeway looked at
least interested that the approaching nebula didn't hold any coffee particles
or was a hostile entity that threatened to swallow Voyager and her crew.
She had
been lulled into thinking that Chakotay would soon look at her with the old and
welcome recognition she prayed would come to him soon. In their quarters she
thought she had seen that look in his eyes and for a wild moment she had
desired him so fiercely that the kiss when it came, wreaked havoc with her
heart. Chakotay's eyes had for a second - why did she ever think that was what
it was? - a look that recognised her as Kathryn, his
wife, a desirable woman who turned to mush at the merest touch of his lips on
hers. He had always had that effect on her and in their quarters, the one place
on the entire vessel where they could let down their masks and their hair, she
had melted away in his embrace.
Chakotay
had only to stand still and pull her to him; he had only to look deeply in her
eyes and his own smouldered with answering need and she'd be lost in a vortex
of passion.
He pulled
back so abruptly that she thought for a heart stopping moment that his memory
had returned.
"I'm
s-sorry, Kathryn..." he stammered, "I shouldn't have done that. It
was unforgivable of me."
He looked
guilty; he avoided her gaze. She had known that her own response was
unexpectedly one of disappointment. And, she felt hurt.
It hurt.
Even now she cringed inside at the way he looked at her. There had been that
mix of passion and guilt that sat so wrong on Chakotay. When he apologised, she
thought he could not have been more Chakotay than when they had been together
on New Earth and he had been so honourable, so truly great in spirit in
agreeing to her terms. Chakotay who kissed her so bloodlessly, yet evoked so
much of her own passion, had no idea how like her honourable warrior he had
been.
Kathryn
couldn't remind him. He wouldn't know of it.
Still, it
didn't lessen her feeling cheap and used. His vacant look had returned and with
it, her own sinking disappointment and hurt.
She
stumbled out of their quarters, barely murmuring that he could put his uniform
on and that she'd see him when her duty shift was over.
Kathryn was
alerted to the present when Tom asked her about the nebula they were traveling
through. She gave a slight sigh, realised that she had a ship to run and within
seconds she was again Kathryn Janeway who was Captain of Voyager, and who could
not, even though her heart and mind and soul cried out for her husband, voice
those needs to her senior officers.
***
Chakotay
stood for perhaps ten minutes at his wardrobe after Kathryn hurried to go on
duty again. The moment between them just after he kissed her had been tense, filled with
embarrassment on his side. Kathryn's hurt had been so acute that he couldn't
bear to see her so dejected; he didn't want to be the source of her
unhappiness.
So he
apologised, deeply. He had wanted to pull her into his arms again and kiss her
forehead this time, offer her some solace, the need to take away her pain so
intense that his hand had reached to touch her again. Her eyes had filled with
tears and he had withdrawn his hand, watched in silence how she turned on her
heel and hurried through her entrance of their quarters.
He swore
again and balled his fist, banging it against the wardrobe door. He was
reminded that he was still in his pyjamas and dressing and that he needed to
change. Still, he looked at his fist, staring at it as if he were reminded of
something. He shook his head. No use to try and remember. It only gave him
intense headaches. Perhaps he should go to the Doctor again and ask him to do
whatever it would take to give him a normal life again.
Right now
it wasn't normal.
He opened
the door and stared at the rows of clothing. On the bottom shelve he saw
something that made him frown deeply. He bent low down to lift the objects and
stared for long moments at the pair of red boxing gloves. He pursed his lips.
It was no use. It bore little reminder of anything, except that he must have
indulged in the pastime. Throwing the gloves down again, he
straightened up and removed one of three pairs of his uniform. He expected it
to be red. He had been through
"So,
Commander Chakotay," he told his image in the mirror, "this is what
you looked like every day for more than six years, sitting on the bridge next
to Kathryn Janeway..."
His image
appeared to gloat back at him.
"Yeah, right."
"Oh?
Why are you so sceptical, Commander Chakotay?"
Did the
image gloat a second time and appear to point to his neck? Chakotay wondered.
His hand went to the pin at his neck. It was a flat gold bar with three
diagonal stripes on it.
"Maquis
pin, perhaps?" he wondered idly as he fingered the pin.
"Yeah, right. Try to figure out why, Commander..."
"I
suppose Kathryn had to make some distinction between Starfleet and Maquis on
board."
"You
got that right..."
"Wonder.
The Maquis were never trained in Starfleet, except B'Elanna and that mercenary
she married. I was in Starfleet. I know the discipline..."
"Yeah. Think, Maquis. Think! Think! Think! Who are you? Who are you!"
"No!
Dammit!" Chakotay cried out, holding his head when the pain terrorised him
again. He groaned and stumbled away from the mirror, falling across the couch
as the pain gripped him. For several minutes he lay there and swallowed, deep
wracking gasps that slowly abated till his breathing normalised again.
Finally he
rose and walked to the little alcove that was his office. He sat down, but not
before he looked around him. He saw his medicine wheel and smiled. He wondered
absently what happened to his medicine bundle... When he switched on the
console, it was Kathryn's face that filled the screen and her words he heard.
"Hello,
Chakotay. I thought I'd give you all the codes to your holodeck programmes, the
entrances to our quarters, your rations rating, that sort of thing."
Chakotay
smiled. Kathryn had thought of everything, things to make his life a little
easier. He took a PADD and downloaded those codes and when he pressed the
panels on the console again, Kathryn's face had
disappeared, replaced briefly by the Federation insignia before he started on
the first of the ship's logs and crew manifest.
"So,
let's see what has happened on this vessel since stardate 48315.6..." he
said softly. He keyed in a few commands and then he looked at Voyager's crew,
from the top going down to the lowest ranked crewmember.
It felt
strange when he saw his own picture, his information just after Kathryn's.
Chakotay
smiled when he saw the face of a small alien man, one he thought had to be an
inhabitant of this Quadrant. Neelix had been with him on the
For the
next few hours Chakotay studied, taking time out only to rest his eyes and
relief the pain of the headache by going into the lounge and sitting still on
the couch. Then he'd lie back with his arms spread across the backrest and
close his eyes. Minutes later he would be back at his computer and scroll
endlessly, reading, reading...
Then he
came across something that made him sit up straight. Not only did he do that,
he followed the action through by getting up, heading for the doors - his side
- of their quarters and into the first turbbolift. He had a mental picture of
Voyager's specs. The
When the
turbolift doors opened and he stepped out, he was met by an ensign whose name
he only read while studying the crew manifest of Voyager.
"Commander
Chakotay! It's good to see you up and about."
"Thank
you...Lieutenant Baxter." Chakotay smiled grimly at the officer and Baxter
who had stood still in surprise that Commander Chakotay actually recognised
him, shook his head and knew just what he was going to tell the love of his
life, Ensign Duran, when he met with her later in the mess hall. Chakotay,
still troubled by the headache he'd built up all afternoon in his quarters
after Kathryn left, was forced to walk slowly.
"Spirits,
I'm not a damned invalid," he muttered as he walked down the corridor.
"Good
day, Commander Chakotay!" a bright voice sounded below him. He looked
down.
"Good
- good afternoon, Naomi Wildman," he ssaid, trying to smile, but his face
felt stiff, drawn.
"Lovely
day for it, Commander," she said before breezing away. He turned to look
at her retreating figure and shook his head. He wondered idly what it was a
lovely day for. Perhaps Kathryn will know. Maybe the child was only trying to
make conversation. It seemed as if they had been instructed to be nice to him;
they had to act as if he knew them intimately like he was supposed to.
But the
matter that drove him in the direction of Engineering,
was pressing and soon he had forgotten Naomi Wildman and Baxter and the sudden
throng of crewman that materialised mysteriously in the corridors. Did someone
tell the crew that he was walking the ship? Why did they greet as if they were
scared of him? Did he always scare the hell out of them?
That
question was answered when he stepped into Engineering and Joe Carey greeted
him with:
"Commander! We didn't know you were coming today!"
"Where
is B'Elanna?" Chakotay asked without preamble, pushing his way past Joe
Carey who stared in astonishment as Chakotay walked towards the warp core.
"I was
going to say she's right there," Joe whispered to no one in particular.
"B'Elanna."
B'Elanna
turned round from her work. Her eyes went wide when she saw him.
"Chakotay! What are you doing here?"
"In your office, now." Chakotay's voice was terse,
his face serious as B'Elanna wavered for a moment, looked past him to where Joe
was still standing. Joe nodded to her and she gave a sign that he had to take
over in engineering.
"This way, Chakotay."
In her
small office Chakotay stood still. His legs were weak, and he could feel his
temperature rising again. He gave an inward curse for feeling the continued
weakness, at not healing quick enough that he could
get answers to his questions when he asked them with a clear mind.
"Chakotay,
what is it?" B'Elanna asked as he stared at her for so long that she
became a little uncomfortable.
"So,
you're Chief Engineer of Voyager, and if I have to go by the logs I just read,
by my suggestion - "
B'Elanna
gave him a crooked smile.
"You
certainly fought hard for me, Chakotay. It was the first time that - " She stopped suddenly, not certain that she should
continue. She looked away and kept her gaze averted from him. She wished
suddenly that the warp core would breach or something, anything to detract what
she could clearly see was Chakotay -
a man with a mission.
" -
that what, B'Elanna? Give me the between the lines version..."
"You
challenged Captain Janeway, challenged her authority and convinced her that I
made a better engineer than the person - Starfleet - who was next in line
after Voyager's Chief Engineer died..."
"I
always thought you were the best - "
"And I
tried never to disappoint you...or her..." she said pensively. Then
B'Elanna looked up at him again. He was still standing, and when she offered
him her seat, he declined. "But, that's not why you're here, right?"
"I had
a son, B'Elanna. By Seska. What happened to him?"
It seemed
to Chakotay that B'Elanna paled a little. She rose from her chair, stood hands
on her hips that he frowned. A flash - fleeting moment of Kathryn standing like
that on...the bridge...
"Chakotay,"
B'Elanna said softly, her tone appeasing, "there are things that happened
- with you - that should remain forgettablee...I think..."
The second
the words were out, B'Elanna realised it was the wrong thing to say. Chakotay
stepped forward and pulled her up.
"Has
your marriage to that mercenary made you soft in the last years, Torres? I said
I want between the lines, and I doubt Kathryn Janeway is going to
oblige..."
B'Elanna
shook her head in bewilderment.
"You
have no idea how you've changed in six years, Commander," she replied
stonily.
"The truth, Torres."
B'Elanna
released his grip from her shoulders, relaxed only a tad as she saw the angry
look in Chakotay's eyes. .
"Fine.
You and Seska were lovers, Commander."
"I
know that, Torres."
"She -
she played you for a fool.... All of us," B'Elanna finished a little
lamely.
"And the child?"
"Seska
was not Bajoran, Commander. She was a Cardassian spy..."
"And the child, Torres?" Chakotay asked as if he hadn't heard her. He
had known from the logs that Seska outwitted them and eventually dumped them on
a planet with seismic activity.
"He
was not your son, Chakotay... I'm sorry that you - you don't remember..."
"Not
my son?"
"One
day soon after Seska died and Cullah took the boy, you had been to the EMH for
- for your medical. The EMH informed you....thought that you had to know...the
truth..."
"Kathryn
- Captain Janeway?"
B'Elanna
closed her eyes. She wanted to tell Chakotay to ask the Captain those questions
himself. Chakotay had long been over Seska, dropped her like a bag of potatoes
when he fell
for Kathryn Janeway. Didn't Chakotay know how he sometimes carried his heart on
his sleeves? He might never have said a word, but their time in the Maquis she
had learned to read her former cell leader and Chakotay, hardened freedom
fighter, terrorist and betrayer to the Federation had thought he didn't deserve
someone like Kathryn Janeway.
"She's
too good for me, B'Elanna. I'm just...what, a renegade who will have to go to
jail once we reach the Alpha Quadrant," he told her one night in
Sandrine's and she had seen him for the first time drinking more that he should
have.
"I
think she needs to feel she can put all her trust in you, Chakotay."
"And
then what? Who am I? She's the Captain, for God's sake, bent on getting her
people home. There's no place for me here..." and he had slammed his fist
against his chest. "There's no place for me in her heart, Torres,"
Chakotay had repeated vehemently.
"Captain
Janeway never spoke about it afterwards, Chakotay, but she became quiet, too
reflective whenever you were around her."
"Why?"
he asked brusquely. His hand shot out and he pulled her closer to him. Chakotay
had no idea how the rest of the staff of engineering were watching the showdown
between him and their Chief Engineer and Joe Carey, her second in command was
quick to remind them to get on with their work.
"Why?"
Chakotay repeated his question. B'Elanna's eyes flashed sparks of fire, but she
tried to bank her own anger. Chakotay needed information, he needed answers, he needed help. She had to cut him major slack.
"You -
you asked her - "
"What,
B'Elanna?"
"You
were in love with her, Chakotay... even then..."
"How
could I have slept with Seska, B'Elanna, if what you're saying is - is
true?" Chakotay stammered.
He released
her grip and brushed with the back of his hand across his forehead. He was
breathing erratically and for a moment B'Elanna contemplated hailing the doctor
and having Chakotay beamed to sick bay, or...hailing the Captain... She stalled
on her second option. Chakotay had not wanted to speak to his wife about
something that had been a problem in their relationship for a long time.
B'Elanna had been the only one other than the Kathryn Janeway herself, in whom
Chakotay confided to a certain degree. He never told her more than he was
prepared to tell her, but as he himself stated earlier, it had been enough for
her to read between the lines.
"There
was something happening between you two," B'Elanna said quietly. "Something indefinable that you were both unaware of.
You told me often enough that you - you would have liked there to be more, but
you felt...you didn't deserve her and so - "
"I
tried...other means...?"
B'Elanna
nodded. Chakotay had gone after Seska without permission, without the Captain's
knowledge. Kathryn Janeway had been relentless: she had not wanted to go after
Chakotay and to this day B'Elanna believed it had been because of personal
feelings and not so much that Chakotay had committed an infraction,
deliberately flouting orders. Chakotay's contravention paled into
insignificance against infractions other members of the crew committed in later
years. No, she thought, she had been there, in Kathryn Janeway's ready room and
she knew how difficult Kathryn Janeway found dealing with a Chakotay who had
gone against her will, believing he was saving not only Voyager, her precious
transporter technology, but in essence, Kathryn Janeway. He had always been
ready to die for a cause, and for his Captain, he would give his life.
"Chakotay,
you went many times to Captain Janeway to apologise, you know."
"I
failed her..." he said intuitively, "and I hurt her..."
"That's
what you always said..."
"I
loved Kathryn Janeway even then? So early on?" he repeated her words,
frowning.
"Chakotay,"
B'Elanna started, folding her arms across her chest, "perhaps you should
really talk this over with Captain Janeway - "
"No...!
No, I think not. I - think it will be.... Hell, B'Elanna, I don't know. Tell
me."
B'Elanna
expelled a deep sigh. The coming together of Voyager's Captain and her First
Officer had been fraught with problems, traumas. She wondered for a moment
whether Chakotay had repressed some of the memories he couldn't remember
anyway.
"You
asked her to marry you, Chakotay..."
"Even
then?" he asked, his eyes widening in surprise.
"You
thought she wouldn't have a problem saying yes to you..."
"We
had been friends. She's assured me of that. But B'Elanna, if I'm married to
her, I must love her. Then that time when I asked her, it was because I loved
her?"
"Yes..."
"But?"
"She
turned you down...although I swear by Kahless, Chakotay,
she was in love with you too..."
"Then
I slept with Seska to punish Kathryn Janeway..." Chakotay whispered, the
knowledge coming intuitively. "Became intimate with someone who -
who..."
" -
manipulated you...all of us.... You went after them, got tortured by Seska and
Cullah...She stole your DNA and proudly announced to the bridge crew that you
were to become a father..."
Chakotay
nodded. But something was still missing. Somewhere in all of what B'Elanna was
telling him, Kathryn must have been hurt. Hurt like he hurt her this afternoon.
"And Kathryn Janeway, B'Elanna?"
A flash of
pain crossed Chakotay's features and B'Elanna wanted to hug Chakotay right
there. He looked lost, forlorn, and he needed Kathryn Janeway, not his old
Maquis buddy to offer him the solace he needed. Surely they been down this road
before? Why did it bother him now, even if he couldn't remember it? What did
Chakotay write in his own logs? What? Did he even read those?
Chakotay
had bitterly regretted his actions. He disappointed his Captain, his closest
friend on Voyager; he let her down and he never forgave himself. That Seska
tricked him and everyone, but especially Chakotay.... He was such an honourable
man, so very proud... Seska had done something to add to his injury, act
resulted in the birth of a baby boy he, as everybody on Voyager, thought was
sired by him and not Maj Cullah. B'Elanna recalled the pained expression on
Kathryn Janeway's face when Seska made that announcement from Cullah's vessel.
"Seska
made it known to all that you fathered her son, Chakotay."
"And
Kathryn...she never forgave me..." Chakotay added softly.
"I
don't think it was that she didn't forgive you, Chakotay. She did, you know. A
hundred times over, she did. She believed that - that..."
"What,
B'Elanna? What did Kathryn believe?"
"Everything
was all her fault... She blamed herself."
*****