Amnesia.
They had
never considered it.
Chakotay
stared at Kathryn Janeway who had retreated two steps. Tom's hand was on her
shoulder as he steadied her. She looked at him and the doctor in turn, her eyes
swimming with tears, and a deep question in them.
"Where...am...I...?"
It was the
doctor who stepped forward.
"You
are on the Federation vessel, USS Voyager, Chakotay." It was immediately
apparent that the Doctor didn't call him 'Commander'.
"I've
been captured?" he asked, the voice slow, hoarse. His throat worked as he
fixed his gaze on Kathryn Janeway again. "Why...is that...mercenary in
uniform?"
"Commander,"
the Doctor started and sick as he was, Chakotay caught on to that.
"Commander? I'm Maquis, not Starfleet. Not...anymore..."
"Captain,
perhaps you should return later?"
"No,
Doctor. Commander Chakotay is obviously suffering from memory loss."
"You
were sent to capture me?" he asked, then suddenly
he cried out as he succumbed to the pain again.
The Doctor,
Tom and Kathryn Janeway watched stunned as Chakotay's eyes closed again.
"What the hell is happening, Doctor?"
"Well,
Captain, if he doesn't know who you are, I'd say his last recollections must be
while in the
"He
hates me..." Tom said abstractedly.
"And,
he has lost almost seven years of his life..." the Doctor added.
"He
hates me..." Tom whispered again, his eyes suddenly flashing with a kind
of fear.
"He
doesn't know me," Kathryn Janeway said with quiet despair. "He
doesn't know that - that..." Her face creased as she battled to hold back
the tears.
"I'm
sorry, Captain," the Doctor said as he turned to face her.
She stepped
forward to touch Chakotay's cheek, her palm resting for long moments against
his pallid skin. Then she gave a soft sob, turned on her heels and hastily left
the sick bay.
Tom wanted
to run after her, but the Doctor held him back.
"We'll
call her later, Mr Paris. We have to establish a few things first. It's clear
alright that the Commander knows who he is, but about sis and half years of his
life have been wiped out. I can't state for certain that those memories will
come back, but right now we need to set
about making things comfortable for the Commander and ensure that none of the
new things or knowledge he will encounter over the next few days will come as
too much of a shock to him..."
"Doctor,
I don't think you realise just how much of a shock it's going to be. He has
never been well-disposed towards me. Always hated my guts.
That his life belongs to me will mean squat. He's deadly ill, but he looked
ready to kill me..."
"Mr
Paris, you may be the last of his problems. He has no idea who Captain Janeway
is. Ostensibly he has never met her, or known of her."
"Hell,
that's true, Doc. He doesn't know he's the First Officer of this vessel."
"Or,
that he's in the Delta Quadrant."
"Married
to the Captain, for God's sake..."
The two men
looked again at the patient, relieved for the moment that he was sleeping. They
had a problem which had to be worked at very quickly, and the only person to
guide them through this was the woman Chakotay was married to. The woman who was his wife, and mother of his little baby girl.
"What
can be done about his condition, Doc?" Tom asked as he stood, hands on his
hips.
"While he's sleeping, nothing yet. But I'll be going through the database, see
what I can come up with."
"How
long will this condition last?"
"It's
hard to say. Even I can't tell you that, Mr Paris. Now, shall we get on with
our work?"
Tom gave a
sigh. He'd have to tell B'Elanna as soon as he went off duty. But he reckoned
that the Captain would hold and emergency briefing meeting. Most probably, once
she's calmed down, she'll be back in sick bay to speak with the doctor before
she comes to any decision. He felt sorry for the Captain. Her eyes had gone
from high expectation, shining as she realised
Chakotay was awake at last, to utter distress when he didn't recognise her. He
shook his head. It was much, much harder on her than anyone else on board. What
was Chakotay going to say when he learns that half his crew died when they were
whisked to the
"Commander,"
Tom whispered, "I don't envy Captain Janeway her position..."
***
She
stumbled out of sick bay, unable to control the despair that washed over. She
had gone in a few moment from being the Captain of the
vessel, a woman, wife and mother to the most important man in her life, to
being someone Chakotay had absolutely no cognisance of. It was not just a
simple case of being completely disoriented after lying four days in a coma,
but Chakotay's confusion had been real, too real for them not to realise the
implications of his type of amnesia. She had read many times of individuals who
had lost years of their lives, not just the total amnesia of not knowing your
own identity. Perhaps that would have been more merciful, then
they would have been able to lead him more gradually, gently to an
understanding of his situation and the manner in which he has touched the lives
of others.
Chakotay's amnesiac
condition meant that all his recollections, all his old biases against the
Federation, his dislike of Tom, of Tuvok, will be reverted to and none of the
growth he had experienced will count for anything. In fact, none of his
experiences in the last almost seven years that allowed him to evolve to the
man who was Voyager's First Officer and her husband,
will count. Chakotay will have to learn of those experiences. How long this
current condition will last was impossible to tell.
She was
still shivering by the time she reached her quarters. Straightening up, she
entered her codes. She knew Susan was waiting for her inside and it was about
time for Susan to go off duty.
"Captain!" Susan exclaimed as she walked quickly to meet Kathryn just as Kathryn stood
inside her doorway and the doors slid close behind her. "Is everything
alright? Captain?"
"Is
everything alright, Captain?" Susan repeated her question.
Kathryn
gave a deep sigh, kissed
"Susan,
until I give the official word on it later tonight, you are to tell no one as
yet." Kathryn smiled wanly, "not even Noah..."
Susan's
eyes widened. She knew something was up, something wrong with the Commander.
"The
Commander, Captain? He isn't - ?"
"No,
Susan, not as drastic as that," Kathryn stated. "Commander Chakotay
is suffering from amnesia - "
"Captain?"
"He
has no recollection of the last almost seven years of his life,
Susan." Kathryn Janeway held
"Captain...?"
Susan whispered. "I'm awfully sorry to hear that, Captain. I - I won't say
anything until you've informed everyone..."
"Thank
you, Susan. Dismissed," she added softly.
"Aye,
Captain."
When the
door closed behind Susan, Kathryn expelled a long sigh, held
"Oh,
sweet
***
Later that
evening, after Sam Wildman had come to fetch
"Captain,
Commander Chakotay is awake. He wishes to see you."
Her heart
had given a few wild beats, thumping against her rib cage. She had no idea now
what to expect, but knew that before the night was out, that Chakotay needed to
hear the truth about his lost years.
"Thank
you, Doctor. I'm on my way - "
"I
must warn you, Captain, he appears in a belligerent mood. He believes he's
still a renegade caught by a Federation vessel..."
"Doctor,
he was a renegade caught by a Federation vessel."
"I am
absolutely certain you know precisely what I meant, Captain."
"As
you yourself said, Commander Chakotay will have to be apprised of the truth,
however unpalatable it is for him."
"Be
prepared to answer a lot of questions. I have been able to ward him off for
now, until he has spoken with you."
"Thank
you - "
"And
Captain, for what it's worth, the Commander is going to recover sooner now that
he's awake. He's already insisted he wanted to get up, get his people together
and get off this vessel..."
"I
understand. Janeway out."
***
"He
hates me, B'Elanna," Tom said in an almost peevish tone. He was holding a
squirming Miral who found intense interest in removing his pips.
"Just
maybe it's a good thing. Things have never come to a head between you two since
he called you a mercenary. Boy, he almost had your number then - "
"B'Elanna!
You know as well as I do that so much has changed in the last six and a half
years! Chakotay has changed. I've changed. Hell, there's not a crewman on this
vessel who is the same as he was when we joined forces -
"
"Oh, yeah? And now you are saying Chakotay is virtually back to square one?"
"Yeah.
And boy, is he mad..."
B'Elanna
laughed. It was a bright, bell-like sound which alerted Miral who turned her
attention to her mother.
"Chakotay? Tom, his life belongs to you. He told me so himself -
"
"Well,
now yes, he doesn't remember that, B'Elanna - " Tom paused for a minute, allowing B'Elanna to
take Miral from him. B'Elanna sat down on the couch, settled Miral on her lap
and smiled as Miral grabbed the bottle and started suckling.
"Hmmm?
What is it, Tom?"
"I
really think it's bad, B'Elanna. His only recollects
his life up to the attack in the
"Under
Captain Janeway - "
"Yeah.
Captain Janeway who happens to be his wife and mother of his
child, B'Elanna." Tom paced
in front of B'Elanna while Miral temporarily paused her drinking to looked at
her father with interest.
"Oh, great Kahless! How is he going to react to that?"
Tom gave a
deep sigh, scratched his head as if he were searching for an answer.
"Do
you realise, B'Elanna, that he may harbour the impression he is still Seska's
lover?"
"And
that means, Tom, he's not going to be a happy camper when he learns that Maquis
and Starfleet have become bedfellows..."
"In
more ways than one, honey. We got married, he's married to the Captain and
Mariah Henley married James Hamilton..."
B'Elanna
gave a sigh. "Will you stop pacing, Tom? I'm pretty certain we'll have a
briefing later and then we'll know exactly how to handle one very irate
Commander who thinks he's still a renegade and - and..."
" -
who doesn't know that the Maquis have been wiped out and the rest rotting in
Federation prisons..."
"Yeah..."
B'Elanna said softly, her eyes growing tender as she looked up at Tom.
"Yeah..." she repeated.
"I'm
sorry, honey..."
"It's
alright, Tom. We'll get through this crisis. The Captain needs us now, more
than ever."
"You're
dead right."
***
Kathryn
Janeway paused for a full minute in front of the sick bay doors. She took a
deep breath and rebuke
herself for feeling so anxious about meeting him. It was a new Chakotay, still
in his old body, but with a mind that turned the clock back more than six
years. She had seen this afternoon his reaction to Tom, and the terrible
feeling of déjà vu she experienced when he said "how do you know my
name" still lingered something fierce in her when she recalled how he had
said those words the first time she had laid eyes on him.
She had
known of him then, and he had not known her. That day, she had had the
advantage, and his look at her then still sent shivers down her spine. Even
then, and despite her persistent denial to the contrary, she had sensed that
their lives would somehow be connected, that their destinies would join and
that they'd walk a path together no matter how many thorns lay on it.
She sensed
then, had been stupid too long not to acknowledge it, that it would be his
strength that would carry her, his love that would sustain her, and his support
that would help her make worthy decisions for her ship and crew. This afternoon,
she felt the fear that she'd spend the rest of her life rebuilding that
relationship that had come with so much difficulty to her,
that the last three years especially, she feared that she'd not have the
strength to fight again.
That he
didn't know who she was, was the first shock. It
instantaneously cut through any misgiving that he was just normally disoriented
after four days in a coma when he came to and looked at the three of them. His
reaction first to Tom - there was a deep glare of hatred in Chakotay's eyes as
he recognised Tom - and then his words to her, all but obliterated her hope
that it was disorientation. She realised at once that some part of his memory
had been suppressed. That it went as far back as the
She had yet
to tell him that he was Voyager's first officer. After that.... Kathryn sighed
as she opened the doors and entered. She walked with measured steps to the
biobed where Chakotay lay, now awake and more alert than he had been this
afternoon before he sank into a deep sleep again. She approached his bed
slowly.
They stared
at one another for several minutes. The doctor coughed somewhere in the
background and Kathryn nodded, smiling grimly when he went offline. She hadn't
looked at the doctor then, her eyes still on the quiet man who stared at her
without blinking.
I love
this man. He's my first officer. He's my husband and
Kathryn
gave a soft sob, hoped that he didn't hear her. He looked at her with such
blank eyes; eyes that held no recognition. Her heart bled...
"Hello,
Chakotay," she said softly as she pulled up a chair and sat down.
"Captain
Janeway..."
Kathryn
wanted to die.
"Please,
call me Kathryn."
"Do I
know you?" he asked.
She nodded
her head. She saw how his hand trembled and wanted to cover it with hers, offer
him comfort and suddenly, she was afraid to touch him.
"What
happened to me, Captain Janeway?" He ignored her earlier injunction.
"You
were critically injured in a shuttle accident..." She didn't want to tell
him yet that Sayenne was at the controls and died during their crash-landing.
"I was
on my own vessel, Captain Janeway," he said with so much conviction that
Kathryn's heart wanted to tear from her.
"No,
Chakotay. The
"I - I
am Maquis, Janeway."
Kathryn
rose from the chair and walked to one of the monitors where she picked up a
medical tricorder. When she was back again, she held the tricorder up so that
he could see the readings on it. He was Starfleet, the tricorder didn't lie.
"The stardate, Commander Chakotay. Can you read the stardate?"
Kathryn
Janeway's heart wanted to break. Chakotay stared so long at the date that she
thought he'd lose consciousness again. His eyes, the way his facial muscles had
been drawn when she came in, had given him the hard look she remembered from
their early days when they were still in the vicinity of the Caretaker's array.
Her heart sank when she thought she might not penetrate that hardness again.
And now, staring at the date, she knew - and bled for him - that he was turning
information in his mind. He knew he was on a Federation vessel, he knew he had
been injured in a crash, but the crash had become part of his dream state where
he was back on the
This was
Chakotay, her warrior, her husband who had no problem sharing control with her,
who reveled in making love with her, who played with
She put the
tricorder back and looked at him again.
"Tell
me," he said hoarsely.
"You've
lost about six and a half years of your memory, Chakotay..."
"What
am I doing here, on this vessel, Captain Janeway?"
"Chakotay,
you are the First Officer of this ship..."
"I am
Maquis, Captain Janeway."
"Chakotay,
almost seven years ago, on stardate 48315.6 you used the
"Captain
Janeway, where are we?"
"We're
in the Delta Quadrant, Chakotay..."
"The - the Delta Quadrant? But - but that is on the - the other
side..."
"...of
the galaxy. And you are the First Officer of this vessel."
Kathryn
noticed how Chakotay's speech started to slur. He was tiring himself and she
knew that within a minute he'd be sleeping again. Already his eyelids began to
droop. He closed his eyes and she thought he had fallen asleep, until he spoke
again.
"Tell
me, Kathryn Janeway, are we friends?"
She was
quiet so long that when she did answer him, she was certain that he didn't hear
her.
Yes, Chakotay. We are more than friends. Much, much more than
that....
****