Sometimes,
she had dreams of
Kathryn
cast a glance in the dark
where Chakotay was lying in bed. Tonight they hadn't made love.
He had been as pensive returning to their quarters as he had been on the bridge
the whole morning. The doctor had treated him for his raging headaches, but
there had still been some residue pain, she imagined. He hadn't spoken much
when he returned to the bridge, but he had grasped her trembling hand and
somehow, she felt assured by his touch. He had been to the nursery where Joe
and Samantha had been taking care of the babies, with Susan and Mariah in
attendance.
Chakotay
had gone himself to collect
"I
should have told you, Kathryn..."
A warmth
spread inside her, an apprehension that he had not spoken about the doctor's prognosis
of his condition.
"About what?"
"The headaches. I'm sorry, I've been having them for a while -
since the accident, in fact. I didn't want you to worry, sweetheart."
"Chakotay,
you know I worry anyway. I - "
"See?"
There was a sudden flare of irritation in his eyes. "Now, are you going to
tell me about
It had come
so suddenly that she scraped the chair as she rose and walked away from him. In
the bedroom she paced and he stopped her, gripping her shoulders.
"There
were complications during your pregnancy, Kathryn. It was something the doctor
let slip out, thinking that you had told me already - "
She sighed
and looked away from him, unable to break his grasp on her shoulders.
"Chakotay,"
she said quietly, "when we married, when I finally made the commitment to throw myself at
your feet and at your mercy, do you know how protective you became?"
"I
smothered you?" he asked softly.
"Not
quite. But it was something new for me, and not so new. You were like that on
New Earth and I knew that you would do anything to protect me..."
Chakotay
pulled her into his embrace and he ran his fingers through her hair.
"I
don't want to lose you, Kathryn..." he whispered, his voice sounding
hoarse as he held her closer in his embrace.
Kathryn
shivered violently at the memory of Chakotay's words earlier. That was the
problem, she thought. He was fanatical about keeping his family safe. How could
she deny him that necessity? He had lost everything, his homeworld, his family,
the fabric of his existence, his reason for living. With the Maquis he had
carved for himself a new family, of not in blood, then in the brotherhood of
their common bond and purpose. He lost more than half of them in the Delta
quadrant, and in the beginning he felt as lost as she and everyone else did,
without a family and home. She remembered him saying very early on in their
journey that the crew was going through a period of mourning,
that they had to come to terms with losing everything they held dear.
When Chakotay married her, she became his family, she and Tara. He had gone
through his period of mourning before, and now, with a wife and daughter, he
would die to protect them, to keep his family and keep them safe. Chakotay had
everything to lose, because he had lost so much already.
Yes, she
couldn't deny him his right to be protective over them.
Quietly,
keeping the details only to the minimum, but in such a way that it was
sufficient, she told him about her pregnancy, about
About the
birth, she hadn't wanted to say much, because the details of it were hazy, even
to her. She had been in labour long, and
Kathryn
turned to look at Chakotay again. He had been satisfied with her explanation,
been happy that everything turned out well in the end for mother and baby.
There had been only one uneasy moment. It pained her when she saw the sad look
on his face.
"You'll
not have another baby, Kathryn."
She had
nodded, remembering how deep her own disappointment ran when the EMH informed
her. Chakotay had taken her in his arms.
"We
have
"You're
not disappointed?" she asked. She had never before asked him, too afraid
of his reaction. She had not wanted to talk much about it at the time, and
somehow, tending to
"I
would be a selfish beast if I thought I'd want you to have more babies knowing
it wouldn't be possible..."
She nodded
again, knowing that that was exactly what Chakotay of old would have said had
she trusted herself enough to tell him then.
"Thank
you..."
"You
are important to me, sweetheart."
"Did I
tell you that you always knew we'd have a girl, and that her name would be
"I was
that self-assured?"
"Oh,
yes. I had no choice but to have a girl, and the only concession you made was
to have
"She
looks a lot like me," Chakotay said with a note of pride in his voice.
"Sweetheart,
I wouldn't have it any other way. I love her dimples..."
About what
the doctor said about his condition, that he would not get his memory back
because there were other traumatic events Chakotay had suppressed violently
before his accident, she didn’t tell him. She didn't know which ones they were,
and to hazard anything would be to have Chakotay in a vortex of headaches again
as he endeavoured to remember them. Kathryn repeated though, the doctor's words
that Chakotay had accepted himself, albeit unwillingly. He may never get his
memory back.
"One
day at a time, Chakotay," she assured him. He had given a sigh, kissed her
tenderly and they had gone to bed. She had lain in his arms for a long time
until she could hear his even breathing. Then she rose quietly, making sure not
to disturb him. Now, standing at the viewport, the dark night enveloped her.
Sighing deeply, she walked to their bed and slid under the covers. Chakotay
stirred, his hands moving instinctively to touch her. She crawled into his arms
and Chakotay gave a sigh of contentment. Kathryn closed her eyes, thinking of
what the next day might bring them. Worming closer to him, she breathed softly:
"I
love you, Chakotay..."
As the
swirling waves of sleep overcame her and she drifted away, Kathryn thought she heard Chakotay
murmur:
"Love
of my life..."
****
One month
later Harry Kim announced on the bridge the presence of a star system ten light
years away. Lieutenant-Commander Tuvok corroborated by adding that the Star
System as charted in sector 5768 by Seven of Nine in the Astrometrics lab
consisted of 13 planets, that three of the planets were M-Class, while two were
D-Class planets. One planet, the 13th planet, was L-Class and uninhabitable.
"My
guess is," said Tom Paris, "that we approach the first of the M-class
worlds."
"Tuvok,"
Chakotay said as he rose from his chair, "what are the risks?"
"None, Commander. From our communication with Toren Kaymam of the Enderon Star System, it
is a civilisation of warp capabilities, the inhabitants are explorers and
peaceful."
"Kathryn?"
"Well.
it seems we've found our planet for shore leave,"
she said, her mouth lifting at the corner at the prospect of the crew finally
being able to go planetside. "Tom, how long before we can get there?"
"Are
we in a hurry, Captain?" Tom asked, smiling broadly as he turned to look
at the commanding officers who were both standing on the platform just behind
him.
"Not
particularly, now that we know it's there," she said. "Warp 6, Mr
Paris."
"That
should get us there in ten days, Captain."
"Good.
Mr Kim, at the first opportunity, open a hailing
frequency. I want to announce our arrival."
"Aye,
Captain," Harry responded. "I can't wait..." he muttered under
his breath. Chakotay sat down again and leaned over to Kathryn..
"Is
this the shore leave you promised me three months ago?"
****
Noah
Lessing was a nervous wreck as he stood outside Susan Nicoletti's quarters.
Susan had agreed to accompany him to Melvech Alpha and he was going to buy her
a special gift today. He had been in a tizz all morning, and the past few days
while the crew rotated taking turns to go planetside, he couldn't wait. He
heard good reports of the inhabitants and the first city boasted several market
places where he could find some good purchases.
Last night
Susan had said yes to him and he had been over the moon - at least one of
Melvech's three moons. Susan and he had not been intimate and he admired Susan
for asking that they wait. She admired him for agreeing to wait. He didn't
mind, but they had kissed often and many times he had to rein in his passion
before it rode away with him. Susan had been so good at being lifted high off
the floor when he hauled her in his arms. He had always been teased about his
height, and knew that there'd be trouble if ever he became romantically
involved with a lady who slotted in below his arm.
When her
doors opened, Noah beamed, and the perpetual frown that had grown part and
parcel of his forehead appeared to dissolve. Susan was in casual clothes, her
tunic slinking to her body's shape. She looked so attractive, he wanted to
pull her into his arms right there and kiss her to kingdom come. His brother
would have teased the very devil out of him. Elroy Devine Lessing had been a
real ladies' man and he couldn't understand that brother Noah wanted to wait
for the right woman to cross his firmament. Once Noah had had a girl, way back
when he was serving on another ship, but he had been left deflated. Desiray
Melrose was not the
one. He had subconsciously been searching and when he came on board Voyager,
dead scared of the Captain and Commander Chakotay especially after his arrogant
behaviour, he had seen Susan one night. He had been sitting at the same table
in the mess hall for weeks, and after the Commander almost decked him and
ordered him to mix with the crew, he had looked up one evening and Susan was
standing at his table. She was with Mariah Henley who married James Hamilton.
From that moment on, he had been smitten by her smouldering golden brown eyes
so like his own, and every time he looked at her, he felt like a trout battling
helplessly on a hook, ready to grace Susan Nicoletti's table.
"Noah,
you're staring," she said.
"I
am?" He shook his head. What was he
thinking?
"Bend
down, silly man."
He
complied. How could he not? Susan's smoky brown eyes reeled him in. She grabbed
his head, pulled him further down and kissed him - a lingering kiss that told
him as much as he wanted to know of her intent.
"We're
asking the Captain to marry us tomorrow?" he asked hopefully as he
straightened up again.
"Yes,
Noah. Now, let's go."
When they
reached the transporter pads, three other small groups were waiting in the
queue to beam down.
***
"Chakotay!" Kathryn cried out as her husband lifted her off the floor and gave a
whoop of delight.
"What
can I say, Kathryn? We're finally taking a break, and I feel great!" He
kissed her for long moments before releasing her. Chakotay looked her up and
down and Kathryn glowed in his open appraisal. She was wearing her blue dress,
the same dress she was wearing when he made love to her in the holodeck six
weeks ago.
"Did I
tell you I love you in that dress?"
"Yes,
but I don't mind hearing it again."
"Kathryn,
I just love you in that dress..."
Kathryn
laughed. She felt just as good, and in the last month Chakotay had been the
perfect lover, husband and father. They had talked often, some happy memories,
others not so happy. She was delighted that he was in good spirits. Only once
in the last month had he woken up in a sweat and gasped painfully for breath.
She had sat through the night with him, soothing him and finally getting him
into bed again. She had been relieved when he fell asleep again in a deep,
peaceful slumber.
"I'm
glad you're glad, honey. It's time out for us too. You're having any headaches...?"
He paused
for very brief instant before answering.
"Haven't
had one for a
while - ouch!"
"
"I
should wear a suit of armour. I'm full of teeth marks."
"You're
going to buy
"Kathryn,
honey, she takes after her mother. If I should pull off this jacket now, you'll
still see the scratch
marks where your nails dug long furrows and my collarbone bears
the trophies of your teeth - "
Kathryn
kissed him before he could say more. Tara wriggled and demanded to kiss her
Daddy too, which Chakotay was too happy to oblige as
"Last
night was good, Chakotay..." she whispered throatily.
"Indeed,
Kathryn Janeway. We should do it again tonight.... I love wearing trophies... I
just love taking off that dress..." Chakotay murmured,
his eyes warm as they rested on his wife.
****
What was it
with women and men, Chakotay thought as they walked along the busy promenades
of the First City of Melvech Alpha, that made them
move about separately? Was it by design, or just the ancient, age old
conditioning that men and women tended to seek the company of their own sex? He
had come down to the
Kathryn had
just hurried back to tell him there was something she had seen in another lane
off the promenade they were walking, and she was gone. When next he saw her,
B'Elanna was walking with her, carrying Miral on her hips, with Seven of Nine
in attendance. Tom and Harry had walked off somewhere. What was it with those
two? Kathryn had told him that Harry was the first person who had befriended
Tom when they boarded Voyager at Deep Space Nine, with Harry claiming that he
didn't need others to choose his friends for him. If Chakotay didn't know that
Tom was married to B'Elanna and that Harry Kim had been assimilated by Seven of
Nine - she wanted to be Annika Hansen these days - into a Collective of Two, he
would have said that Tom and Harry were joined at the hip. No doubt they were
off seeing what extreme sporting activities they could learn from the
Melvechians here, or what antics they could get up to and irritate their wives.
No doubt Seven of Nine was learning the baby antics from B'Elanna and Kathryn.
Only two weeks ago Seven declared: "I am with
child. It is a relevant function of a Collective of Two that it spawn offspring through which the Collective will be sealed
and blessed".
He
remembered how Tom had gaped like a fish and Harry beamed from ear to ear.
Chakotay rubbed his temples, felt a momentary dizziness, but it passed. Still,
there was an ache, a dull throbbing at the base of his skull. This morning it
had been very mild, and he thought it would clear by itself. He hadn't wanted
to bother Kathryn, or the spirits forbid that she tell the doctor. Chakotay had
been an invalid long enough not to want to frequent sickbay again as he had in
the last months. Forcing himself to forget the ache, he looked around him. It
was difficult to see anyone of the crew, although Noah, who was as tall as the Melvechians, was
walking with him. He had seen Noah and Susan together earlier, hugging and
kissing... They had not noticed anyone or minded much who was looking. Kathryn
had been like that with him. She had kissed him openly, with B'Elanna and
Annika Hansen looking on, before declaring they were off to look at things
babies could play with.
"Where
is Susan, Noah?" Chakotay asked as they pushed through the throng of tall
Melvechians to look at merchandise at the rows of stalls along the promenade.
"Er...She's
decided to join the Captain and B'Elanna Torres, Commander," Noah replied,
looking a little sheepish when Chakotay smiled.
"Naturally."
"Why,
sir?"
"Didn't
you know, Noah, that they find things to talk about
that is mutually exclusive? We men are only hangers-on..."
"I
er...got that impression, sir," Noah Lessing replied, but his face bore a
look of pride.
"You
love her, Noah."
Noah
coughed. He busied himself with some ornaments he had seen on a table. Chakotay
waited, picking up a small wooden carving of an animal and studying it.
"Yes, Commander. I have been from the start."
"She
was not forthcoming then, right?"
"Aye,
sir. She played hard to get at first. But, sir, she's had a difficult time,
back on Earth..."
Chakotay
looked up at Noah. He had no idea or frame of reference to what Noah referred
to, but understood intuitively. Susan had been dubbed by Tom 'cold hands, cold
heart', yet there was a reason, and Noah Lessing had come on board a year ago
and thawed the young woman's heart.
"Then
I'm happy for you, Noah Lessing."
"I
asked her to marry me, sir."
Chakotay
stopped in his tracks, and Noah seemed to skid to a halt. Chakotay looked up at
him, his face serious.
"Love
her with your very breath, Noah Lessing."
"We'll
ask the Captain as soon as shore leave is over, to marry us. I'm - I've been
looking for a pledge, like - "
"Rings?"
"Aye,
sir." Noah looked on the table at the jewellery display. Chakotay thought
it was probably a collection of the various worlds of this star system, as he
picked up one or two rings to study more closely.
"Here,
Commander, do you think Susan will like this?" Noah showed him a pair of
rings that Chakotay wondered idly whether old Earth practices extended over
millennia and galaxies for marriage rituals. These were rings that not
necessarily indicated a sign or pledge for marriage, but for Noah it was the
ideal thing. The two rings were of an ore Chakotay could only think had been
mined here on this world. It was a dark gold that shone black or deep brown as
the sun caught it. Wrought only twice, it looked like two entwining snakes.
"It's
a good symbol, Noah."
"Thank
you, Commander. Then I shall buy it." Noah smiled benignly at the
Melvechian before making the exchange.
"Noah..."
"Aye,
Commander?"
Chakotay
frowned deeply as he looked up at Noah. He held a ring in his palm, then put it down absently.
"Did I
wear a wedding band?"
"You
did indeed, sir."
"Thank
you, Noah." Then Chakotay gave a light moan and rubbed his temples.
"Sir?"
"Sorry, Noah. I don't know what is happening, but I have a headache. It's been
brewing since this morning. Let's get to the women. I might -
"
"Keep
in the shade then, Commander," Noah instructed just as he paid for the rings.
"I think they're in the next turnoff. If we walk fast, we'll catch up with
them quickly."
They
hurried and rounded the next corner. The sun was directly in their eyes and
with the tall Melvechians they couldn't see the women. Then it happened. About fifty
metres away, a small opening appeared in the throng of the tall alien people
and Chakotay and Noah saw them. Kathryn was fielding something away with her
arm; in the next instant
"What
the hell?" Chakotay cried as his feet carried him forward. "What -
the - hell - ?" he cried out again.
"Commander!"
Chakotay
ran.
Even
through his blind rage and fear he saw hands were thrashing and jabbing about
Kathryn and B'Elanna. He heard their screams.
"Kathryn!"
"Commander!"
Chakotay
watched in helpless horror as Kathryn went down.
"No!
Kathryn! Kathryn!"
The pain
hit him at base of his skull with such force that Chakotay stumbled, pushed
aside three Melvechians who looked at him in surprise. Chakotay was dizzy; in
the haze of pain he saw Kathryn falling,
"Kathryn!
My God! No! No!"
He sank
slowly to his knees as he succumbed to the open chasm of pain. He went in
tumbling...tumbling...going down...down...down where grey mists turned to evil
black clouds.
In the
deep, the darkness welcomed Chakotay like a long lost son.
****