PART TWELVE [FINALE]

Kathryn woke slowly, feeling slightly disoriented until she felt something beside her. She frowned, then the frown changed to a pleasurable sigh as she touched Chakotay's sleeping frame lightly. She had no idea when he had joined her in the bed. She also suspected Carina was sleeping in with one of the regular child minders on board.

She couldn't remember much of the accident. She remembered Chakotay's kiss and the heavy air that hung about them before she was hailed by Tuvok. Then everything had become just too chaotic to think about his kiss and the way she had responded. One moment she had looked at Chakotay as she issued a command and the next, the bridge lit up in a shower. The bright light was the last thing she saw, the last she remembered until she woke from her coma, and that she was told, was four days later.

She had been too afraid to let her guard down, to show him that she loved him. Always, she had considered his own feelings for the late Seven of Nine; she had continued to make herself believe that he was still in love with Seven. She was too afraid of the disappointment that would follow. But Chakotay's declaration left her finally casting off her old fears. Chakotay loved her; his feelings were as strong and as deep as it had been on New Earth. She needn't have any fears now. She could be free to show and shower her love, to love their little girl openly as wholly hers. That had been the niggling doubt.

Carina was angelic, yet already strong-willed and ready to fight her own battles. Kathryn smiled inwardly. Carina and Owen were constantly fighting, yet there were times B'Elanna called her to watch the two sleeping, completely given over to the world of peace about them. Her hair was blonde, like Seven's and her eyes the piercing blue of some children. Carina resembled her natural mother and Kathryn knew that she would one day question that. She was ready for anything. She had fallen in love with the child from the moment of her traumatic birth. It was still uncanny to her, an inexplicable aspect of the psyche she supposed, the way Carina had taken to her.

Breastfeeding Carina had been an utterly awesome experience, and those times especially when the child was drinking, had been miraculous. Her vow that she was doing it as a favour to her first officer and friend soon changed when all she wanted to do was claim the baby as hers. Chakotay's words had stung very deeply, yet what she had been doing for Carina had not been a way to prove that she could be a mother. Even Chakotay's attitude changed. Her response was a natural as that of any mother, as instinctive as if she had given birth to their daughter. He had seen it, been overcome by humility.

She remembered one evening when Carina had been fretful. At only two months old, she had started to smile already and when Chakotay had called her to look in on the baby, Carina's face, red from crying, broke into a smile. From that moment, Chakotay had requested that Carina room in with her so that she could be with the baby during the night too. It was an arrangement that worked. Yet, there was always the reality of having to release the baby to her father once she was weaned off the breast.

"I must remind you that this is only an arrangement, Commander."

"I know. She's very close to you, Kathryn. I don't see how - "

"Don't dwell on it. When the time is right, you'll have a healthy baby back with you."

"Kathryn..."

"I'm not her mother, Chakotay."

"You will keep on reminding me of one of the worst things I ever said to you," he replied, deflated.

"No, I'm just establishing the parameters."

They had been heading for an argument even as she held the tiny baby in her arms that night.

"Dammit, Kathryn," he hissed angrily.

She didn't relent. She should have then, but all she could see was a man who grieved for his dead wife. All she could see was a man still in love with his wife. Chakotay had stalked out of her quarters, leaving her with the baby. Later that night, when Carina was sleeping peacefully, she had gone to see him in his quarters. He had been sitting head in his hands, and it looked to her again as if his shoulders shook.

"Hey..."

"What do you want?"

"I want to apologise. It's difficult for me too, you know. I need to remain detached and - and I can't. Carina is a living, breathing, beautiful baby... " She paused, then sighed deeply when he didn't respond to her words. "Look, let's just get over the first hurdle with Carina, okay?"

Only then Chakotay had looked up. He had taken her hand in his and held it long.

"Thank you."

"I'm doing it for - "

"Carina, yes. But as Carina's Daddy, I am thanking you on her behalf. Truce?"

"Truce."

After that, and until they had stormed her safe haven while on shore leave a month later, the air had been cleared and the old camaraderie had returned. Their proposal - Carina had looked ridiculously pretty and totally adorable wrapped in her soft white terry robe - had stunned her, but her acceptance had been given not without once again establishing some rules.

She needed those rules not to protect her from Chakotay, but from herself.

Kathryn gave a deep sigh. Chakotay was still soundly asleep and she enjoyed these moments she could look at his sleeping frame. His hair was showing grey already, but still maintained in the neat, short brush he had when she saw him the first time on his own vessel. Thoughts of what they had on New Earth came to her. It was a beautiful memory, one she would cherish for the rest of her life, but even better was his presence in her life now, as her husband who loved her and whom she loved desperately.

Now, she didn't want to think of duty and command and felt assured that everything was under control. Chakotay would quietly have gone about organising things, leaving her to recuperate. She was even anticipating the thrill of the confrontation if she showed up on the bridge and he thought it was too early for her to resume duty.

She lay on her back with her hand still on Chakotay's body. Once, they had always touched and now the desire to remain connected with him in a physical way was overpowering. She wondered how he had come to know about the results of the shuttle crash investigations. Tuvok was under orders not to divulge anything and Chakotay must have thought about it when she herself  had been injured. Kathryn gave a little smile. She would have liked to see the Tuvok - Chakotay confrontation. Chakotay would have stormed Tuvok and demanded he parted with the evidence. Still, she had been out of her mind with worry, with keeping the knowledge to herself. The findings had shocked her intensely. It was to her inconceivable to imagine that Seven of Nine could knowingly do herself, her unborn baby and Crewman Dillinger harm. By the time they were in the shuttle, Seven must have  been truly overcome with a certain need to die. Some unknown evil force had taken hold of the former Borg and turned her into a person who was willing to kill, even a small baby.

Kathryn closed her eyes. It had been that thought that had terrorised her the past eighteen months. The fact that Seven was prepared to kill her baby as well made her inside crawl with fury. A tear escaped and ran unchecked down her cheek as she thought of the sorry mess they had been in. She knew that she was the reason Seven died, and not because she sent them on that mission. There was no other reason in the universe do take the path she had taken. Seven of Nine had become more human in the three years she was married to Chakotay, but she had never, not even for a moment, acted irrationally for she wasn't an irrational being. Her death had been thought out, cleverly planned to kill three innocent beings. Kathryn knew her presence in Chakotay's life, not as his commander officer and colleague, but his closest friend had affected Seven. 

She had kept as far away from the couple as possible, never ever intruded upon their privacy and those times that Chakotay had been in her quarters discussing reports with her, had been unavoidable. It was necessary, but Kathryn conceded that even the most innocuous of situations were read differently by others. She had kept her distance, kept their association on a strictly business level, and enjoyed their old camaraderie those moments when the situation necessitated them being alone in one another's company.

Giving a deep sigh, she settled again and wormed closer to Chakotay. They had never shared a bed on Voyager, and New Earth was light-years away. Yet, she had dreamed of him, dreamed of just such a time that he would claim his place next to her. She had been too afraid, always convincing herself he didn't love her. But his eyes on her when she woke from her coma, the desperate way in which he clung to her... If he didn't, what would then have happened?

A small cry escaped her and she clutched at her bosom, feeling it almost as a physical pain. Chakotay stirred when she shuddered and was awake a moment later. She lay taking in deep breaths.

"Hey..."

"I - I don't recall giving you permission to be in my bed," she said, attempting to tease him.

"Oh, yes. You woke once during the night and called me."

"I did?" She didn't recall it, but so many nights she had dreamed of him, even imagined she called out his name. "Then I'm glad you're here."

He lay on his side, facing her. He looked at her, a penetrating stare. She sensed he was thinking of Seven, of the accident...

"I know what Seven did, Kathryn. I don't blame you for keeping the truth from me. I'm glad I know now. I'm just so sorry about everything."

"It festered, here," she replied, her hand resting against her heart. "I'm sorry too, that I didn't tell you. You were so distraught at the time, not even looking at the baby for days..."

Chakotay buried his face against her; his body was wracked by long shudders. She thought he was crying, but when he looked at her again, his eyes burned into her.

"I felt guilty too, Kathryn, that I didn't love her enough, or as she deserved to be loved. She sensed it and always..." He choked up and her hands touched his head, pulled him close to her again.

"Competed, Kathryn..."

Kathryn sighed. She knew what he meant. It wasn't necessary to embroider.

"I love you, Chakotay. I tried my best to be your best friend, and to a point I succeeded. I didn't want to lose that friendship. It was the only real one I had, one I cared too much about."

Chakotay was quiet after that. It seemed he mulled over something. Then he looked at her again, his body warm against her.

"And because of that, our daughter was given a chance to live."

"Our daughter. She is really mine now, isn't she?"

"You breastfed her, Kathryn. I don't think anyone could have imagined a greater deed of love than when you held Carina to your breast and saved her life. She took to you instantly, as if she always knew you..."

"It was a privilege to witness. I - I love her. I was afraid to, in the beginning. I didn't want to get too close to her. It would have meant that - "

"You would have come close to me..." Chakotay with dawning insight.

She kissed him, feeling gloriously alive as his lips moved under hers, his arms encircling her body. She felt his shudders, heard his deep moan as her body answered his own passionate need. There were no words spoken, just a quiet, gentle exploration of their bodies as they remembered, touched, kissed, joined.

He said, after it was over, "I wanted the best of both worlds, Kathryn. It couldn't be. I had a wife, but I wanted my friend too. I just didn't see how it hurt you both. You are my world now. Not two worlds, but one - my friend and my wife, one and the same person. I'm happy..."

"So am I..."

Much later - she must have fallen asleep - she heard Chakotay get up, pull on his robe and move towards the door of her side of their quarters. She heard Sam Wildman's voice, followed by Carina's excited screech as the child demanded to be put down. 

Kathryn thought her heart would burst with joy as Carina toddled into the bedroom. Her beloved little girl, laughing and crying at the same time. Carina's hair flowed behind her.  Kathryn was sitting up in bed and Carina paused a moment when she reached it, looking straight at her mother. A sob, followed by a broad smile...

"Come here, my little angel," Kathryn said, opening her arms.

"Mommy!"

*************

END

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