PART EIGHT: DORVAN
In a house of in the first city of Dorvan, the Ayalas sat down to their evening meal. It was a welcome break from the grind of overseeing the security grids with Annika Hansen, which had left Mike drained and looking forward to relaxing with his wife and two sons. The sons were with friends but would return later at the time he had stipulated they should be back. Lately the boys had been itchy, even after only about two months on Dorvan. All the years they had lived with their mother and grandmother on Earth; the adjustment to normal life was as difficult for them as it was for him. They hankered for Earth, but he had promised Chakotay... Diego, at twelve, was feeling it particularly. He had been settled in his school and had had to leave friends and make new ones. Peter was more flexible, more like his mother.
Lately, even Carmen had been a little touchy, and he wondered if he should break the news that they could return to Earth. That first day when he'd beamed down from Voyager and seen her, before the boys ran out to him, he had known that it had been worth waiting every day and week and month and year and believing Captain Janeway that they would meet their families again. Now they were spending time strengthening the bond of family.
He thanked Kathryn Janeway from every fibre of his being that had longed for home, that had waited for news of his wife and his sons, that dreamed night after night of dark eyes and auburn hair, that Captain Janeway succeed in her primary mission - to get them home. It was time now to repay her for everything she had done for them.
News had reached them of the imminent arrival of Admiral Janeway, and it seemed the entire planet was preparing for her visit. She was only to be the guest of Chakotay and his new wife Annika Hansen, but the way the former crew of Voyager who had settled on Dorvan and helped in rebuilding the planet had carried on, it seemed as if she were to be an overnight guest at every house. She was still on her vacation which, many had heard, Admiral Owen Paris had forced upon her, declaring that she needed to unwind first before taking up her duties as Admiral Janeway. They were all happy, for the sake of Voyager and her crew, the Maquis especially, but mostly for Admiral Janeway herself that she had been exonerated at the court-martial, a turn of events that had shocked all of them.
It was all over, they agreed, and life could go on. Those on Dorvan V could look forward to seeing their former captain again and give her their assurance that they would gladly serve under her any time.
"So, the famous Admiral Janeway is visiting Dorvan?" Carmen Ayala asked her husband.
"Yes. I'd like to see her again. She wouldn't let us stay for the hearings. Said we had to get on with our lives and get away from Starfleet, rebuild our fractured family lives. I wanted to stay, you know?"
"Why didn't you, my husband?" Carmen asked again, her eyes warm on Mike.
Their love had blossomed all over again when Voyager returned and she thanked God every day that they could be privileged to be a family again. Mike had beamed down from the ship and stood there looking a little lost, until their eyes connected. The boys had broken away from her to run to their father. They'd missed him; in the seven years that Voyager was gone, she had kept his memory alive for them. In the last three years, they had been able to communicate and that was a source of great merriment and wonder and honour, especially for the boys. Minutes later she had stood in his arms and cried.
Now, Mike looked a little embarrassed. She reached across the table to touch his hand.
"I asked you a question, Michael."
"You don't know Captain - Admiral Janeway. She's tough as nails. If she gave an order, we followed the order."
"But you could see she was going through a difficult time with the debriefings and the court-martial. Didn't you think to disobey her and force your loyalty on her? You told me you had done so on occasion on Voyager. You didn't comply with her orders then, Michael. Wouldn't she have appreciated her crew standing by her even at the very end of their journey?"
Carmen Ayala felt her husband's shame and the shame of the entire crew upon her. She could not understand how a crew that fought and braved all the odds, led and guided with formidable strength by a magnificent woman, could not show their loyalty at the end. They should have 'punched their way through', a term Michael said Admiral Janeway used often when faced with the impossible.
"What would you know?"
"Well, you went back for them when Chakotay and Captain Janeway were stranded on New Earth, didn't you? Did she threaten to cite you for disobeying her orders and then said those words which showed her love and pride in her loyal crew? And when you were in the void, you also disobeyed her order, and it had positive results, didn't it? Did she not say that she should cite you all for mutiny? Did you not tell me that her voice sounded soft and kind when she spoke those words, like a loving mother proud of all her children? And you, my husband, you spoke so very highly of this woman who guided you through unknown places... Why did you not follow her?"
"Carmen, Captain - Admiral Janeway was adamant that we all go our own way and get on with our lives. Shall we leave it at that?"
"No, because I think when you returned, that was the time your captain needed her crew the most. Did you fail to see that she might have had problems? Did you think that even though she was a woman, she was so strong that she could never break, that she could never need anyone? I tell you, my husband, that there are times when you become tired of remaining strong for others and when there is no one to help you carry that burden... Your family... We waited seven years, another seven days would not have mattered."
"Carmen, my love, I am ashamed."
"Even your sons would have waited. Admiral Janeway would never admit that she needed you, and so you should have known..."
Ayala looked up. Carmen smiled at him, her heart bursting with love.
"I will make up for it," he said softly.
"That makes me happy, Michael. Now, how are you going to make up for your deplorable lack of loyalty when your captain needed her people around her?"
"Would you like to go back to Earth?"
"Michael! What - why?"
"I've applied for the position of aide to Admiral Janeway."
Michael Ayala gave a cough. Carmen's heart thudded so hard she was sure he could hear her heartbeat. If this was making up for his lack of loyalty, then it pleased her. Her husband was a man of quiet surprises.
"You never breathed a word of this before! And?"
"I didn't know until two days ago, Carmen. It comes with a promotion to Lieutenant. I was successful. Forgive me that I didn't tell you immediately, but I wanted to wait until Admiral Janeway's arrival."
"The boys have been wanting to go back to Earth. They will be happy."
Carmen watched Mike gave an audible sigh of relief. He touched her hand.
"And my sweet Carmen?"
"I am over the moon."
Michael's smile vanished.
"What is it, Michael?"
"We have to inform Chakotay..."
"You will inform Chakotay. He will share your vision."
"Carmen Ayala, have I ever told you that I love you?"
Carmen beamed. Her husband loved her passionately, their sons loved their father, they were all to return to Earth, Michael would work for Admiral Janeway as her personal aide... What more could a woman want?
*****************
Mike Ayala drew in a deep breath when he entered the cool new building of the Dorvan Reconstruction Commission to meet with Chakotay. Chakotay had been dour the last few days during their conversations and he knew it must have something to do with his communication with Kathryn Janeway and her pending arrival on Dorvan.
Admiral Janeway would be arriving the next day and he thought it best to approach Chakotay before she appeared. That way he could tidy up his affairs here and speak with Admiral Janeway as well. He considered his appointment as her aide to be the highest honour and couldn’t wait to begin his duties. He had held off telling Chakotay until now because he was his second-in-command on the project. He was aware that Chakotay would be unhappy at his departure, but for himself, Carmen, and especially the boys he wanted to be where they could have good schooling and prepare for Starfleet one day. Diego, at twelve, had already expressed the desire to enter the Academy.
He was excited about the move. Carmen, not given to being overly loquacious, had spoken her mind and had made so much sense that he wondered how they could have been so lax in never seeing how Kathryn Janeway may really have needed them, even if she had pushed them away. Carmen made him realise that he was a worm of a man and from this had come the other, more shameful realisation that Chakotay, in particular, had let down their captain and his best friend. It was what he loved so about his wife. She could, in her quiet manner, be gentle yet quite firm and remind him of his manners, be the conscience he sometimes forgot he had.
He reached the door of Chakotay's office, then hesitated a fraction before pressing the chime. When he entered, it was to see Chakotay standing by the window.
"Ayala, have you completed the report for the primary orbital grid?"
"Good morning, Chakotay. And yes, I have completed the report."
Chakotay moved away from the window and sat down at his desk. He waved a hand, indicating Ayala sit down opposite him.
"Sorry."
"You've got much on your mind today. You've seemed preoccupied the last few days. Dare I suppose it's because Admiral Janeway is arriving tomorrow?"
He studied Chakotay's reaction. An imperceptible flinch was all he got, but it said enough. Admiral Janeway's visit disturbed his former Maquis boss. Why it should, he couldn't fathom. Chakotay was happily married, wasn't he? Did Kathryn Janeway still present a threat to him and Annika? He doubted that that was the mindset of the admiral, however. The crew was convinced of the friendship between the commanding officers of Voyager, and there was no law that prohibited them from continuing that friendship.
"You know that I tried to contact her on subspace bands," Chakotay said. "The first two weeks after the court-martial, she vanished into thin air. I got a message from her soon after, but nothing since then. Admiral Paris was quick to assure me that she was taking a break and didn't want to be disturbed. I find that unusual about Kathryn...not telling me anything..."
Mike sighed. Why should Admiral Janeway tell Chakotay anything unless it was Starfleet business? The man had married Seven of Nine. He was happy; why should Kathryn Janeway's not telling him of her whereabouts bother him? Could he still have feelings for Janeway?
"Maybe something happened?" he said.
"And maybe nothing happened. Maybe she - "
"So that's what's been bothering you? You're wondering whether Kathryn Janeway can function without you..."
How vain could Chakotay be, after all? Mike hadn't wanted it to come out like that, but his words caused Chakotay to blush. He'd hit a nerve. He thought men in particular were apt to imagine women couldn't do without them. It was a shot in the dark but they all knew about the 'what might have been' of the Captain and her First Officer. Now that Chakotay was married, it seemed he still wanted to have his cake...
"I wasn't very heroic when I left for Dorvan so quickly, Ayala. I doubt she's forgiven me."
"Chakotay, we all let her down by not insisting that we remain for the trial and giving her our support."
Chakotay gave a small sigh. "Yeah, we let her down... I'm glad she's coming, though."
"I can tell you we're all looking forward to seeing her."
There was a short pause during which Chakotay's gaze remained fixed on him.
"Ayala, you're wanting to tell me something?" he asked.
Mike drew in a deep breath. Much as he wanted to stay and help Chakotay, it wasn't as if Dorvan would cease to function without a minor functionary.
"Yes, I have to tell you before you hear it from other quarters..."
"You’re leaving..." Chakotay stated, an air of resignation about him.
"How did you know?
"The past few days...drawing back when it looked like you wanted to tell me something. Your sons aren't happy here... Carmen was born here, but she's more bound to Earth than anywhere else. Where are you going?"
"Earth. I've applied for the post of admiral's aide."
Chakotay's surprise was genuine.
"Janeway's?"
"Aye. I was one of fifteen hopefuls, and four of them were former Voyager crew."
"Then she must like you very much."
"You're thinking she favoured me above the others? Admiral Janeway didn't make the appointment."
And, he wasn't going to tell Chakotay who had appointed him. If Admiral Janeway chose to tell him herself, then it was better that way. Besides, Chakotay sounded uncharacteristically jealous.
"I can't keep you here, Ayala. But you will be seeing more of Kathryn Janeway than I will."
"It doesn't have to be that way. You've been promoted to captain. You can command Voyager or any other vessel for that matter."
"I know. But...Annika..."
It all came down to the ex-Borg. Annika would follow Chakotay, providing she could serve on the same vessel or at least be within hailing range. But it seemed to him that Chakotay was using his wife as an excuse for whatever residual feelings he had for Janeway, to justify the decisions he'd made to marry in the first place, and in the second place, to leave Earth.
Chakotay had married Annika Hansen in a great hurry when all of them thought he'd become involved with with Kathryn Janeway. Not that Kathryn Janeway gave Chakotay any reason to think there could be something lasting between them. Then again, none of them would ever know what had happened behind the scenes, so to speak. Captain Janeway was always very good at masking her feelings and while she could successfully deflect any speculation about her and their first officer, if something had come of it, it would have been one hell of a surprise to the crew. That that was how effective their discretion had been. Whatever had happened on New Earth had not been pursued on Voyager.
The surprise was that he married Annika Hansen instead.
"What about Annika?"
"She doesn't say it in so many words. But from her actions and reactions... Annika resents my friendship with Kathryn."
Mike Ayala had never before laughed in Chakotay's face but the sudden gurgling that started deep in his chest just seemed to burst out of control. He couldn't stop himself and tears were streaming down his face. He couldn't see Chakotay for the way his eyes almost closed as he guffawed. When he finally stopped, Chakotay stared dumbfounded at him.
"What...?" he asked, hiccoughing once.
"Why are you laughing?"
"Because that is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!"
"It's not funny..."
"No, it's not funny, it's downright hilarious. And it's your fault, Chakotay. You introduced her to jealousy, or what you perceive it to be. I'm inclined to think it's the way you want this saga to play out just so that you feel you are not to blame when two women fight over you. You deal with it."
"I didn't say she was jealous."
"And I didn't say the moon is green and pigs can fly! She's an ex-Borg! Even her celebrated logic should tell her that you were in Admiral Janeway's life first and secondly, you did have a history of which she had been made aware. Hell, she should even say that what you had with Kathryn Janeway before is irrelevant!"
"Ayala, she knows all that. It's just, I love her and want to convince her that she has nothing to fear."
He thought Chakotay's words a contradiction. The man loved both women. Maybe the colour and tone of the quality was a little different but he didn't seem ready to let either one of them go. Chakotay had yet to bury Kathryn Janeway as a former love interest and by the looks of it, he wasn't anywhere near that. He conceded that Chakotay had blossomed under the loving care of his wife, but men and women were strange beings. Great love stories of the past never involved two persons but three, and always embroiled in a triangle of passion with nothing grand to resolve the story but the inevitable ending of it in tragedy.
Somewhere, Michael Ayala sensed, in the triangle that was Janeway-Chakotay-Annika, there was a tragedy in the making.
"Annika is human after all..." he mused out loud. "So that's why you left Earth in such a great hurry and didn't stay for the court-martial. Your wife was very subtle in bringing you to Dorvan before the proceedings. Admiral Janeway would have wanted you to be there to offer support, loyalty, to offer your solace. Did you know her own sister rejected her?"
Chakotay gaped, stood up and walked to the window again. For a moment he thought the warrior angry enough to deck him for showing disloyalty to Seven of Nine. Instead, Chakotay remained worried about Kathryn.
"I'm not feeling too good about this, Ayala, but yes, I want to make sure Kathryn enjoys her short stay here. She - I spoke with her a month ago..."
"You did?"
He was surprised. It must be something Chakotay hadn't told his wife. Annika was a great individual, sometimes too peremptory, but that was a residue of her Borg life. She was beautiful, shapely, stunning, very, very clever and, she had gotten the most eligible man on Voyager to marry her. They didn't begrudge Chakotay his happiness, for he was happy. Chakotay had been blown hot and cold by Admiral Janeway, and over the years, Mike could see how his friend had struggled for some constancy in his life. He needed that as much as he was prepared to give Janeway that constancy. Chakotay had looked pinched most of the time on Voyager when it came to Kathryn Janeway. His marriage to Annika Hansen had given him that peace he sought. The raging warrior was raging no more. If only he could let go of Kathryn.
Why was Chakotay so apprehensive then?
"She called me, from her home in Indiana."
"Indiana... then her vacation was over?"
"No. But there was a man with her there."
Mike roared with laughter again, a bout that halted suddenly and caused him to choke. Seconds later he recovered.
"A man," he blustered, wiping his eyes. "Why is that so different from a woman being there? Do you know this man?"
"No, I don't know him. But she sounded...close."
"Chakotay, what's the deal here? Admiral Janeway can be with whomever she pleases."
"Do you know Ethan Bellamy?" Chakotay countered, as if he hadn't heard Ayala's statement.
"Can't say I ever heard of him."
"Well, that's his name."
"It's good to know that, right? My job with Admiral Janeway is going to entail her sending him flowers, or arranging weekend getaways in mountain cabins."
"I thought she would - she would..."
"What, Chakotay?"
"I thought she would wait..."
This time Mike, whose wife called him Michael, didn't burst into laughter. He sat and stared open-mouthed at his friend, wondering how Chakotay could have changed from an Angry Warrior into a Wimpy Worrier.
*********************
She should never have come.
That thought overshadowed all others during the five days she'd spent so far on Dorvan. Like a pervasive illness, it clung to her consciousness and spoiled what was supposed to have been a happy reunion with her former first officer, his wife and a few other former Voyager crew who now lived on Dorvan.
She wanted very badly to call it Chakotay's fault, or Annika's fault, her former crew's fault or her own fault, but had to concede that it was more circumstantial than apportioning blame unfairly on any one person. Perhaps it was within herself. She had come to Dorvan preparing to be overjoyed to see him and to forget that she had almost lost her mind trying to forget him.
At least she had been right in insisting that she wanted to stay in a separate abode and not be their houseguest. Annika Hansen was charming if a little aloof in her presence. If she had been any other person, that would not have been an issue in dealing with her husband's former captain and lover; she was who she was and whatever she had shared with Chakotay could never be erased. She could store those things in a corner of her heart, lock a key on it and throw the key away. But unless magic abounded in the air, it could never be wished away or act as if it had never existed.
Chakotay was the one who had trouble disengaging himself from his friendship with his captain in order to conduct his love life, his marriage, his relationship with Annika untrammelled and with a clear conscience. She had made her peace; her decisions were her own and carried with them the burden of her own responsibility. She had been ready to be the perfect guest, be on her best behaviour.
Already on the first day the seeds of doubt had been sown and the stirrings of unease had established themselves. And all because Chakotay had rushed towards her shuttle as she alighted and pulled her up in a bear hug. For a fleeting moment, she had forgotten that Annika was standing there as well and she had lost herself in the embrace. When he put her down and they walked together to where Annika had been standing, she could only, in great self-loathing, think how it must have looked to the former Borg. Chakotay's kiss on her cheek, one that brushed over her lips in a fleeting caress, had been a tad too long. She couldn't stop it and Chakotay should never have done it.
After that there was an imperceptible coolness that she felt coming from Seven of Nine. The first two days it didn't really affect her because her visits to other former Voyager crew took precedence, and all of them had been very happy to see her. She had apologised to Chell and his sister, to Susan Nicoletti and to Kenneth Dalby for her stand-offish behaviour during the debriefings. The droop to Annika's mouth was forgotten as she lost herself in mingling with some of her former crew again. Chell, who acted more Starfleet than Maquis, had approached her for a recommendation to enter the Academy.
"Because Gerron has applied as well, Captain. Icheb is already a cadet. He's very happy! I understand from them that you will be Gerron's sponsor too. I wish to show them that there is honour before age, and that age need never be a factor. The Academy has relaxed its stance on the maximum age requirement for entry."
At Wolf 359, thousands of Starfleet personnel had died... And then, the Dominion War left the Federation decimated. Of course they had to lower the minimum requirements for entry.
"You don't need to, you know."
"I wish to become a full Lieutenant one day, Admiral."
"Naturally, some courses will be waived because of your experience."
"I was hoping you'd say that."
"It's not my decision, but Admiral Paris's. He will conduct the evaluations."
Chell had been surprised and he started blustering immediately.
"E-Evaluations? T-There will be evaluations?" he stammered, his body swaying in the familiar manner she remembered so well.
"Of course. If you like, and you write me a very convincing letter about why you wish the enter the Academy I will be your sponsor as well..."
"I will do my very best, Admiral! And Admiral, no need to apologise, you know. We all love you..."
It had been heartening to hear their reactions. Kenneth Dalby was to settle permanently on Dorvan. When she spoke with him about the debriefings, he waved his hand dismissively.
"Don't worry too much, Admiral. We all knew you were going through a hard time and your main concern was to see us settled first. It was always that way on Voyager. You saw to us first... I felt privileged that even at the end, you could still do that, no matter how tired you were."
She had never thought about it quite that way and it became the one thing she could hold on to during the next three days.
But the revelation was Carmen Ayala. Kathryn had taken to this woman instinctively and most naturally. Carmen was Dorvan born but had been living on a planet on the other side of the Badlands with her two sons. Later, when they learned that her husband was on Voyager, they had made the trek to Earth and settled there. A beautiful, gentle woman with long, silky black hair, she exuded calm over her family and had an invisible hand in controlling them.
"Admiral Paris tells me you're to be my new aide, Lieutenant," she told Mike when they came to visit her the evening of the second day. "And may I say congratulations on your new posting."
"Thank you, Admiral."
Carmen and the boys had been standing a little behind him. When Mike moved, they stepped forward. Carmen had Chakotay's colouring and the same tattoo on her left brow. She had a lovely smile, a little shy, but it transformed her features. Carmen held out her hand in greeting.
"I am Carmen, Admiral Janeway, and these are our boys, Diego and Peter..."
She had greeted all of them, then invited them to stay to a meal. By the end of the evening they had agreed that they would make the journey back to Earth with her on the USS Gainsbourg. Although Carmen didn't converse much, she struck Kathryn as exceedingly wise whenever she did speak. The boys, particularly Diego, were very interested in science and wanted to attend the Academy one day.
That part of her vacation had been good. Perhaps better than good. She had established relations again with her former crew. Suddenly, her deep angst and the nervous collapse she had suffered began to pale. She was beginning to enjoy her short vacation on Dorvan.
It was Chakotay, however, who couldn't seem to stay very far away from her. She had wondered idly whether they didn't miss him at his office or whether Annika didn't address the issue with him, not least because he was away from his abode so often.
Her heart thudded as she recalled the previous day when he had asked her to accompany him to a remote village on the continent, to assess the progress made there after the entire region had been razed. The amount of reconstruction - new houses, official buildings, the revitalisation of the vegetation with irrigation from underground water sources - was impressive, seen in the light of the Dorvan peoples' move away from technology. Chakotay had been quiet on the way, and when the shuttle touched down on an area designated for launching pads, he had remained seated, looking deep in thought as he gazed out the viewscreen.
"Are you coming?" she asked as she prepared to get up.
"I'm sorry I didn't stay for the trial..."
"We've been over that. And the trial is over," she replied in an attempt to make light of the situation.
"I haven't forgotten you, you know."
"Chakotay..." His name was whispered, a sigh more than anything. She didn't want to get involved and for four days she'd had to rein in her emotions. His voice, his face, his demeanour were still so endearing. It was easy to forget herself and just kiss him, hold on to him forever.
"I still love you."
"You...can't..."
"I know. Annika...she is very special," he admitted
"Then hold on to that, will you? We can't be anything other than friends. I'd like to leave here with that still intact."
"Kathryn, I - "
What did she see in his eyes that she didn't want to see? That he still desired her? Did the action follow that thought as if riding in tandem, one behind the other?
The next moment he had pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Her momentary shock changed to dazed wonder when his lips burned into hers, their touch erupting in flaming passion. She melted into him but just as quickly as the kiss started, it ended. She pulled herself violently from his grip, gasping as she realised the magnitude of what just happened. Chakotay was breathing raggedly, his eyes aflame.
"You still love me," he stated.
She wanted to burst into tears. It was inevitable. Every time he touched her, it seemed she was going to expose herself and show him how weak she was, how vulnerable. She tried to think of Ethan, tried to engage some of his cynicism, but it was impossible. Ethan remained far, far away in his mountain cabin in Oregon. In those moments she needed him.
"I can't deny that, but coming here was a mistake," she admitted finally. Chakotay looked forlorn, his eyes a little wounded. She felt the wretchedness, which had been creeping up on her since the day she arrived, increase ten-fold. She touched his cheek in a gentle caress. "I love you, Chakotay, but loving you is a cross which only I must bear. I'm leaving the day after tomorrow and I want to have good memories of Dorvan and its people. Please, let me have that..."
After a long pause he broke the silence.
"You’re right. Annika is a good person, an excellent partner, my wife. I do love her and she's good for me. It's just that I can't let go of you..."
She wanted to tell him to act like a man, to observe decorum even if it killed him. He had initiated the contact between them, not she. But she was weak too, to allow the touching and kissing to continue, to succumb to the heady, painful joy of being in his arms.
"Chakotay, let me establish something here: I love Annika Hansen as the daughter whom I raised. I could never bring shame on her by allowing this to happen. I cannot hurt her. Please..."
Chakotay had nodded and they had continued with the evaluations of the small town for the rest of the afternoon until they returned to the first city.
Now, she was alone in her abode, counting the hours to tomorrow when she'd take her shuttle, take Mike and Carmen and their two boys and leave to rendezvous with the USS Gainsbourg.
It was a quiet evening, and she had been unable to sleep, pacing restlessly, thinking of Chakotay. Yesterday she had wanted to leave on the instant but that would have been fleeing. She was no coward. Prove to Chakotay that she could withstand the undeniable pull between them was what she told herself. She was also in no mood to face Ethan, who could censure her behaviour with just a look, though she was certain he never meant it.
She had been to the Ayalas earlier during their last minute preparations to leave for Earth and the atmosphere had been upbeat there, very infectious, and suddenly, she too had felt like it was time to take to the skies and get out of Dorvan space. More and more, she was thinking of Ethan although she dreaded his probing. The boys were eager to get back to their old school again. But even there, she was aware of overstaying her welcome, particularly as Ayala and Carmen were both still painfully deferential in her presence, preferring to call her Admiral Janeway.
A soft tap on her door made Kathryn jump. It was late and she had already prepared for bed, wearing a nightie and gown Ethan had replicated during the first days she had lain like a zombie in his home. She realised with some bitterness that she still tired very quickly, despite the mountain hikes, sailing on Deer Lake and abseiling down the cliffs near Beaver's Lodge. She imagined she could hear Ethan's voice, insisting that she was still on the way to recovery and not really there.
She wasn't expecting anyone to knock after 2300 so it was with great surprise to see Chakotay standing in front of her. Her heart hammered erratically. For a moment only, she saw the mocking glint of Ethan's green eyes before she concentrated on the unwelcome guest. Chakotay looked hungrily at her, his fingers tapping against his thighs.
"Chakotay, I don't think this is the time for you to - "
"I must see you, Kathryn. Please, may I come in?"
She should send him away, she thought. Send him to the arms of his wife. For the past six days they had danced about carefully, the unspoken pull between them threatening to undo them both.
"I think you should leave. If it's business and it's not urgent, it can wait 'til morning. I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon. We can talk then..."
"Please..."
"Why are you not home, in the arms of your wife?"
Her reminder of his marital state proved no boundary as he continued to gaze at her, his eyes heated. Sighing she stepped aside. He closed the door quickly behind him.
"Chakotay! What - " she'd started when he pulled her suddenly into his arms.
"I can't let you go out of my life, Kathryn. I know when you leave here, I will never see you again. I need you. I need our friendship."
"Let me go...!" she cried in protest, trying to wriggle free of him.
He was so tall, so strong, his chest inviting her to lean her head against it. What was her struggling but a pithy sham performance as her heart and senses succumbed to the headiness of his nearness? She was drowning, and drowning fast. He wouldn't let her go, pulling her closer instead. For a moment - a mad, mad moment she gave in to the need to rub her cheek against his chest, to close her eyes and never open them again, to love him beyond principles and decorum and give herself to him in selfish want of pleasure, to imagine that he understood her as no man had ever understood the deepest, innermost feelings of Kathryn Janeway. He smelled good, manly, the musky cologne intoxicating. His hand caressed her hair, and when she turned her face upwards, it was to only how his own head lowered, his eyes smouldered and his parted lips, trembling, came closer to hers.
She should push him away and out of her abode, she was still thinking, when his lips touched hers and the instant connection was so electric that her whole world exploded into a white landscape in which she and Chakotay walked hand in hand into the distance, stopping occasionally to kiss.
His lips seared hers and, like a flower just ready to open its petals in the dew fresh of the morning, her lips parted and she allowed him entry. Her breath mingled with his; she moaned softly as she gave herself to the radiance of touching so intimately. His tongue sought, fought, found, laved, played with hers.
Giving another soft cry she threw her arms round his neck.
"Oh, God, Kathryn..." he cried hoarsely as he took a moment to catch his breath.
Then he kissed her again passionately, her whole body rocking with the force of the electrifying current that seared through her. She was losing the fight, she thought absently. Tears burned as she felt him lift her into his arms and carry her to her bed. His weight bore down on the bed and for the next few minutes she was caught in a storm of ecstasy as he pulled the straps of her nightie away and hungrily caught her nipple in his mouth. Every nerve in her body was sensitised from his touch and she cried out when he started sucking. She closed her eyes, breathless in the wake of the waves of pleasure that rushed through her body.
Flame... burning flame... Her head knew no more as her heart leapt to answer the call of his body. Her trembling fingers cupped his face as she kissed him again and again, and when she shifted her body to allow him to fit snugly to hers, she knew it was over. Quick untangling of limbs, unravelling of straps and shoes and clothing that proved too stifling a barrier before he lay over her, hard as rock, primed to enter.
"I love you," he whispered gruffly.
"I love you too..."
She felt his tip push against her soft folds, felt her core, moist, like the soft flesh of a clam close about him, felt how he sank into her, filling her, deep and forceful and welcome, giving a long sigh of pleasure as he paused to look at her again. She felt his throbbing and arched into him, giving another soft cry as he started to move slowly in her. For a moment he paused to look at her.
His eyes were glazed, his voice, when he spoke, not his own...
"Kathryn...Kathryn..."
Something, a distant voice, the call of a lark, the splash of a beaver into the icy stream, the sound of a waterfall, of ocean waves...a face, hair as white as silver snow, a voice calling her and the sound of her name pulling her from the shadowy depths... all brought her back to the present. Where her hands had cupped his cheeks, her fingers had clawed into fists, clenching his flesh tightly in their grasp.
Chakotay gave a surprised cry, the glazed look changing into bewilderment.
"Kathryn, honey...what - ?"
"No...not this...not this... Stop, Chakotay..." she whimpered raggedly.
His body shocked to stillness. Without a word she pushed him away from her, cast him out of her body, his organ a vile evil snake that deserved to be ejected for the illicit intrusion it was. Her face flamed, this time with deep humiliation as he began dressing again. She sat on the other side of the bed, pulling her gown tightly to her, her hands trembling, her teeth chattering. She didn't look at him, but waited for him to get dressed. Neither spoke, the action of returning to their bodies their self-respect, their decorum, their sense of right and wrong the only thing that created any kind of alarming seagull-like cries.
Only when her front door closed again did Kathryn expel her breath, breath she had held from the moment she had thrust him out of her depths.
Dry-eyed, she sat facing the wall, her body beginning to shudder.
***************
END PART EIGHT
PART NINE: MOONLIGHT SLEEPING ON A MIDNIGHT LAKE