PART SIX
Kathryn was sitting on the porch in the swing seat, thinking about Amahl. Their last kiss had been magical. The only real friendship she had with any boy was Mark Johnson, and she had never liked him much as they were growing up. But they never kissed, and Mark had been extra sensitive about not ruining his friendship with her by kissing her.
Amahl's kiss flowed through her, curled her insides and sent ripples of pure pleasure through her. She had wanted to press closer to him that day, and maybe she did. She heard his moan, and it didn't sound to her like a moan of disgust. She had been stunned by the force of her emotions. Since the day he had first come to visit her, she had been on a roller coaster. He was open and evasive at the same time. A wonderful companion who was as generous as he was sometimes enigmatic. She couldn't see him, but his body felt incredibly strong, like she could lean against him forever and not be afraid. Yet, she didn't have to see his face to sense when something was said and it closed him off a little.
She wanted to keep in contact with him. She wanted him to be part of her life. He couldn't have kissed her with so much passion and tenderness and not mean for them to be apart. If Academy cadets were persistent in their curiosity about a handsome Native American they saw at her side, she wanted to have the right to tell them Amahl was her boyfriend who served on the USS Carpathia. She smiled at the thrilling thought. Amahl, Kathryn Janeway's boyfriend. She gave a sigh of pleasure, thought of their kiss and felt again the pleasure coiling through her body.
Amahl had only once mentioned his vessel. She knew it was his first ship and that he had been serving two years on the Carpathia. She had almost fallen out of her chair the day he mentioned in passing that he was only fifteen when he entered the Academy.
"Much against my father's desires," he had said, then closed off completely, as if he felt guilty at sharing his woes with her.
Now, she was waiting for him. Her mother had just told her that it was almost 1600, and he would reach their farm at 1700. A room had been prepared for Amahl and Kathryn smiled at they way her mother had complained about the arrangement.
"We must put a book or two on the bedside table, Mom."
"And what else?" asked Gretchen, whose voice, Kathryn could swear, sounded snide.
"Oh, and we could replicate him a robe."
"The man is sleeping over one night, Kathryn. This is not a hotel."
"But, Mom!"
"Fine! I'll do as you request. Want me to put your rose by his bedside too?"
"It's mine," she had replied, holding the rose possessively to her bosom.
"I should put it in water - "
"No! I - I..." she paused, sounding completely sentimental. She had never been so sentimental in her life. She winced when a thorn pricked her, but didn't care.
"You want to preserve it?"
"Sure. Why not?" Her reply had been soft, almost shy. She could still feel Amahl's lips burning on her mouth, still feel the closeness of his large frame. She had lost herself in his embrace. Occasionally, the thought of that kiss and embrace would send ripples through her. She wanted to relive the moment over and over.
Her mother had snorted, but said on a kinder note, "You like him very much..."
She had only nodded. It was difficult to cry. Once she had wanted to tear the visor off in frustration.
She swayed gently back and forth. She must have dozed off, for she felt a hand touch her shoulder, shaking her.
"Mom?"
"You'd better come inside, honey. There's a chill in the air."
"What time is it?" she asked as she let her mother guide her to the lounge.
"It's 1700."
"Already? He'll be arriving any moment then..."
"Don't bite him if he's a little late, okay?"
"Of course I won't. I'll - "
"Kiss him because you're so happy he's here after all?"
"Mom!"
They laughed as Kathryn settled herself on the deep sofa in front of the large fireplace. Music played softly in the background, and Kathryn threw her head back against the headrest. Her mother had vanished to the kitchen to fix dinner.
She imagined Amahl would lift her high in his arms when he arrived. He'd put her down and kiss her.
Then he'd say, "I love you, Kathryn..."
And she would throw herself against him and cry, "I love you too, Amahl..."
****
Gretchen Janeway walked into the lounge. Kathryn was still sitting there, twirling the stem of the rose between her fingers. Earlier, when Kathryn had refused to come to bed, she had taken a soft mohair rug and thrown it over her daughter's lap. Kathryn had just sighed, said nothing and kept twirling the rose. It was difficult to determine what Kathryn was thinking. She couldn't see her eyes. But the quiet, deliberate manner in which she handled the flower, the way Kathryn's lips compressed, the way her head inclined towards the sound of her mother's voice... It told Gretchen more about her daughter's emotions than if Kathryn had said anything.
"Kathryn, honey..."
Kathryn didn't move. Gretchen's heart wanted to break. Her daughter looked lost and unhappy.
"He's not coming, Mom."
It was a statement. Something about the way Kathryn mouthed the words was an indication of acceptance, and it was that acceptance that worried Gretchen. Kathryn seemed to have made up her mind that all was lost.
"It doesn't seem likely, I'm afraid."
"What time is it, Mom?"
Gretchen sighed.
"It's already gone past 0300."
"He promised..."
"Something must have happened, honey. You have to understand that."
"In that case, why didn't he send a message? Why didn't he let me know?"
She wanted to tell Kathryn that Amahl was only a young ensign who showed concern that she was alone at Starfleet Medical. She wanted to tell Kathryn that Amahl's interest was probably no deeper than a superficial friendship. But she couldn't. She'd be lying to her daughter. She had seen Kathryn and she had seen Amahl. The young ensign was smitten with her daughter and it looked deep. The day she returned to Kathryn's ward and saw her daughter with the flower in her hand, her face flushed, her lips redder than usual, she knew that there must have been a very heady, intimate moment between them.
Her daughter had fallen in love.
"I cannot tell you that, honey. There must be any number of reasons - "
"Like he's no longer interested?"
Kathryn sounded harsh, certain Amahl didn't want her anymore. She was experiencing her first disappointment in love. Gretchen held nothing against Amahl, save for the fact that it would have been a courtesy gesture to inform Kathryn he wasn't coming after all, and given some explanation. Kathryn deserved that, at least. She was too proud to arrange a hail to Amahl's apartment. Gretchen could understand her daughter's reticence. Although Kathryn was never a diffident child, she also never easily lost herself in close associations. The reason wasn't difficult to guess. Edward Janeway loved his children. He loved his wife. But he was a Starfleet admiral, and therefore subjected to the many missions the Starfleet senior brass sent them on. Edward had missed most of his daughters' achievements, birthdays and Christmases. She had learned to deal with it. Kathryn took it harder than Phoebe. She loved her father to distraction, and his so-called betrayal every time she had a birthday, something he compensated for by sending her gifts anyway, was even more damaging. Kathryn simply saw the gifts as appeasement prizes. Now, Amahl, who promised he'd visit her and spend the day with her, never pitched up. He too, had given her a prize. A peace rose. Appeasement prize, indeed.
"Don't be too hard on him, okay? Tomorrow at the hospital he might just turn up."
"He won't, Mom. I just feel it...here," Kathryn replied, placing her hand against her heart.
"Cut him some slack. There must be a reason. There's always a reason."
Kathryn gave a deep sigh, and motioned that her mother help her to her room. When Kathryn was settled in bed, Gretchen sat down next to her.
"It's nothing, right, Mom? He was only someone who kept me company at the hospital."
"Oh, Kathryn..."
"Nothing more than friends. We weren't even friends..."
She took Kathryn's clammy hand in her own.
"No, Kathryn. You were friends. More than friends. I'm pretty certain he cares deeply about you. He's the kindest and most courteous young man I've met."
Kathryn removed her hand and turned on her side, facing away from her mother. Gretchen sighed. She got up and walked to the door. She paused when she heard a little sob.
"It's not enough, is it?" Kathryn said forlornly.
**********
Kathryn sat on the high bed while Doctor Pulaski carefully began the removal of the visor.
"Just keep your eyes closed, then slowly open them. I've reduced the light factor to 30%," she said calmly.
Kathryn nodded. Gretchen watched in silence. It was three weeks after Kathryn's accident, and the visor had done its work, repairing the damaged optical nerves. Kathryn would have perfect eyesight again. The patient remained quiet. She had been quiet since they traveled from Indiana.
This morning, when Kathryn had made her way to the kitchen, she looked reserved, not saying much.
"Your fingers are bleeding," Gretchen had said.
"The rose had thorns," Kathryn replied edgily.
After breakfast, Gretchen had gone to Kathryn's room and saw the rose on the floor. What was left of it anyway. She hadn't asked Kathryn about it, but it told her enough. The petals lay scattered, and she had carefully collected the remnants and placed it in a bowl.
"It still smells wonderful," she told Kathryn.
"Throw it away."
"We'll see."
"Well, you keep it then. It means nothing to me...now."
That had been this morning, shortly after breakfast. Kathryn kept up her stony silences afterwards and her heart bled for her daughter. Amahl meant more to Kathryn than she had realised, and she felt the betrayal acutely. Gretchen had tried to make contact with Amahl again, after which Kathryn had been extremely restless when she was told that there was still no response from the young man.
Gretchen watched as Katherine Pulaski finally removed the visor. Kathryn blinked a few times, then kept her eyes closed.
"Open your eyes. Tell me if the light bothers you..."
Kathryn opened her eyes. She looked at the doctor, then at her mother.
"No..."
"Okay, I'll gradually increase the light settings. Just holler the second it hurts."
Kathryn remained impassive as the light in the room slowly increased until it was almost at 80 percent.
"You okay, sweetheart?" Gretchen asked, moving forward to touch Kathryn's shoulder. She smiled at her own impulse to alert Kathryn to her presence or touch. Kathryn turned to her, blue-grey eyes staring levelly at her.
"It's good to be able to see again," she said, a sober note to her voice. Kathryn turned to the doctor. "I must thank you. It was uncomfortable and grounding, I suppose, not being able to see. But I'm glad. I can resume classes right away."
"You're cleared, Kathryn. As of this moment, you're officially discharged...." Katherine Pulaski paused, then, as if a thought struck her, she looked keenly at Kathryn. "I thought your young man might be here today to share this moment with you..."
"Doctor, I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention him again." Kathryn slid from the bed and turned to her mother. "Shall we go?"
Doctor Pulaski didn't say anything, just nodded to Gretchen.
Gretchen Janeway sighed. She had promised to accompany Kathryn to her dorm at the Academy. They left the hospital and took a short cut through the gardens. Boothby waved and Kathryn waved back, but Gretchen noticed that her mouth was stiff.
She stopped, touching Kathryn's arm.
"Kathryn, look. I know you're hurting. Amahl - "
"I have to forget him, Mom."
"No! He's serving on the Carpathia, isn't he? Why don't you contact him. The Carpathia is still at the Orbital Station - "
"Mom, let it go. Amahl made a promise he didn't keep. Now I don't know if - if..."
"He'll want to continue seeing you?"
Kathryn nodded. Her face creased. She was on the verge of tears. Quietly, Gretchen drew Kathryn against her and waited the few minutes she cried heartbrokenly. Kathryn rarely cried, Gretchen thought absently, as she looked over the lawns and spotted Boothby, who waved to her. Her daughter had fallen in love with an incredibly dashing and quiet, chivalrous young man. A young man who vanished from her life as suddenly as he appeared in it.
When Kathryn collected herself, she looked dry eyed, unhappy, but with a calm resolve about her.
"I'll get through this..."
"Kathryn, if you like, could I try and track him?"
She didn't answer. Instead, she started walking again, and by the time she was back in her dorm, she was smiling. There was no trace of the unhappiness, though Gretchen knew with a sinking feeling that Kathryn had simply taken her heartache and put it where she'd never allow another person to see.
***
That much was clear to her two days later when she hailed Kathryn on her vid-com.
"Hi, Mom! You on a break from classes?"
"Kathryn, I've tried to trace Amahl..."
Gretchen watched as a flash of pain flitted across Kathryn's features. Quickly Kathryn controlled herself. She tried to look dispassionate, but didn't succeed. Her eyes betrayed her.
"Mom," Kathryn said, sighing, "it's no use. He means nothing, okay? He didn't have the decency to say goodbye, or whatever. I'll get on with my studies and my life. There's a whole lot of living still to do. I'm sure you'll agree."
"I agree, Kathryn. You're young. But you've given your heart to Amahl..." When Kathryn didn't reply, Gretchen continued, softly, "And you never forget it...the first time you've fallen in love..."
Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes again.
"I...loved him, Mom..."
"I know. And I'm sorry that you're hurting, honey. Amahl was good for you...the best. But, Kathryn, I called to tell you that - "
"What, Mom?"
"There is no Ensign Amahl serving on the USS Carpathia. In fact, there is no record of an Ensign Amahl."
Kathryn's face paled, then creased in confusion.
"Mom?"
"But an Ensign Chakotay fits the description I've given, and he closely resembles Amahl."
"C-Chakotay?"
"Yes. And this Ensign Chakotay has taken an indefinite leave of absence."
"They are one and the same person?"
"Yes, I have reason to believe that."
"Has he said anything? Left any message?"
"That is the problem. There is no news of him. Nothing. Where he went to, Kathryn...that's classified. James doesn't know either."
Kathryn sighed, wiped the dampness from her cheeks.
"He's gone...from my life..."
"I could ask Owen Paris - "
"No!"
"Fine, I won't. Amahl...Chakotay left suddenly, Kathryn, on the same day he was supposed to arrive at Indiana. I'm so sorry, honey."
"Then it's the end. I'll not go further. I'm not going to run after him, knowing he doesn't want any further contact. If - if he changed his name, it means that he never wanted me to know his true identity and - and that..."
Gretchen knew what Kathryn was thinking. She had had the same idea herself. Kathryn had been too proud to want to make any investigations. She was right. How would it have looked? An Academy cadet making a nuisance of herself running after someone who didn't want to be found. Chakotay must have had his reasons for hiding his identity from them. Kathryn was young. So was this Ensign Chakotay who introduced himself to them as Amahl. Strange, she couldn't think of him as Chakotay. Kathryn and Amahl both still had to experience the many blows life dealt people and which would shape their lives. Ten, twenty years from now they would be different people.
"Kathryn, I've seen him... He never struck me as the kind of young man who would be deceitful. You're thinking he had other motives."
"Whatever they were, it means nothing to me now. He's out of my life, Mom. I've accepted that."
"Then, Kathryn, make the best of your studies. You're bright and exceptional and I just know you'll one day be the most brilliant captain Starfleet has ever had. Your name will be on everyone's lips."
Kathryn wiped the dampness from her cheeks and smiled through her heartache.
"Just like Captain Kirk, right?"
"Just like Captain Kirk, honey. Just like Captain Kirk."
***********
END
epilogue
There was a silence that hung in the air. Chakotay sat in a deep comfy chair by the hearth, warmed by the glow of the fire. He laughed as two pairs of eyes widened in their wondrous indignation. They were gaping. He thought particularly that Winonah, all of fourteen years old and resembling him but for her blue-grey eyes, opened and closed her mouth like a fish out of breath, if that were possible. Hannah, twelve years old, golden haired and blue-eyed, looked about to cry.
"And she never met Amahl again?" Winonah asked.
"Not then, honey," he replied sagely.
Both girls thought the easy chair was big enough to accommodate the three of them as they scrambled to sit on his lap. Chakotay groaned. They had been doing that since they were toddlers.
"Imagine...Amahl was Daddy all the time!"
"Did she ever forgive him, Daddy?"
"She must have, else - " started Hannah.
That moment Kathryn Janeway stepped into the lounge and the three of them looked accusingly at her. She disturbed them from a very interesting legend. Stepping up behind the chair and placing her hands on Chakotay's shoulders, she asked:
"Has Daddy been telling you again about how we met?"
Hannah slid off Chakotay's lap and struck a dramatic pose as she looked at her mother.
"Yes, Mom! Right from where Jimbo turned tail and let Daddy do his dirty work."
"And Amahl told Jimbo he'll only go if he's introduced as Amahl..."
Kathryn thought they were too young to absorb the fact that Jimbo and Chakotay were in fact doing Edward Janeway's dirty work.
"And you were blind for three whole weeks and you never saw his face!" Hannah said, placing her hand over her heart. "Mom! It's sooo romantic!"
"Being blind?"
"And have Amahl brush your hair and hold your hand and take you to the garden and kiss you and - "
"Did Amahl ever try to explain? Winonah asked.
"I bet she didn't want to hear a thing!"
Kathryn smiled indulgently at her daughters.
But it was Winonah, who reminded Kathryn of herself at the same age, who remained thoughtful.
"Did you forgive Daddy?" she repeated her question.
"Only many, many years later...on a starship called Voyager."
*************************
NOTE: The research I've done for J & C's ages and their years of training at Starfleet Academy, led me to some rather conflicting representations. For my story, I needed Janeway to be an Academy Cadet in 2350, while Chakotay is already serving on a starship as an ensign. He 1) is three years older than Kathryn in the story, and 2) because of his early admittance to the Academy, graduates before her, ca. 2348-49.
I wanted to write a mushy romance story, so I needed to bend canon a little!
vanhunks