PART FOUR
During the next week, Kathryn prepared for her vacation. Evenings were spent searching the database for a suitable retreat. Chakotay had been most helpful in suggesting places.
"No, I'd like sunshine every day, crystal clear sea water, pristine beaches and a house I can rent," she told him one evening.
"Risa?"
"Too many people go there. We went there three years ago. This time I - "
"I get it," he said, smiling the dimpled smile that always made her heart lurch, "you wish to be alone."
Then he got a sad look in his eyes. Did he want to come with her? She needed to be by herself, to ponder on her life and everything of which Chakotay was a part. She wanted to come back home, her mind clear about what she wanted to do then.
"Yes, I desire a solitary time."
"Then you'll have it, Kathryn. I'll not bother you - "
"Chakotay! At least I'll tell you where I'll be, and you can call me once a week, maybe on a Wednesday, or something."
He looked relieved at her concession that she contact him regularly.
"Thank you, Kathryn. I'd like to know you're safe."
"I can look after myself."
"I know. But all the same, it means a lot to me to know that. I..."
His eyes went dark with misery. On New Earth, he had been happy, happy that he could be doing things for her. And he always surprised her. She had loved that about him; it was one of his most endearing qualities.
"Chakotay, you are so very generous when you do things for me. This time, just let me be, will you? It's okay to contact me once a week. I realise it will be two months away from home and Starfleet."
He was sitting at the table working on his sand painting while she flicked through hundreds of possibilities for a vacation.
"Thank you. I appreciate that, Kathryn. Now, you don't want to go off-world, right?"
"Right."
"How about visiting one of the Greek islands? You know, in the Aegean Sea - "
"Chakotay! That's wonderful! I never thought about that!"
She got up from the console and walked to him, putting her arms round his neck. The way his eyes lit up with pleasure was almost pathetic to see. Then, there was a flash of a Borg face and the moment was gone before they could enjoy it. Her intention to kiss him died right at the end of the flash. She gave a sigh, hearing his own muttered curse under his breath as she stood up again.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
"No matter, Kathryn," he replied, but his eyes remained dark and brooding the rest of the evening.
She couldn't bring herself to lie in his arms and shifted to the edge of the bed where she turned her back to him and fell into an uneasy slumber. In the morning, she awoke slowly to the dawning knowledge that she was lying snugly in his arms.
*************
"I wish you'd stay," Chakotay said again, as he waited for her to board the shuttle. He had wanted to take her himself, but she had objected.
"You can get one of the cadets to bring the shuttle back..." she told him. Her heart was hammering. She was leaving for the Aegean and was still not sure whether everything would work. "And Chakotay... I wish you'd stop worrying. I guess it's pointless to ask you not to."
He smiled. He was in uniform, since he had four classes that day. He looked like he didn't relish the thought of teaching today. She sighed and rose on tiptoe to kiss him. His lips felt warm, but the urge to linger was only fleeting as she released him. There was a gleam in his eyes; the brief touch affected him. A warmth spread through her as she hugged him for long moments before she stood away again.
"Goodbye, Kathryn. Come home rested..."
"Don't worry, I will. I will be the picture of health and sunshine, and you will have no option but to send me back to Naxos."
"Oh no, don't you dare, Admiral Janeway. Your husband, the Federation, your mother, sister, stepfather and Admiral Paris will be waiting for your return. Not to mention all the Voyager crew who will enquire after your health. Go well, Kathryn. I - "
"What is it, Chakotay?" she asked, her voice soft and expectant.
"No...it's nothing. Contact me when you get there, okay?"
She nodded, her heart sinking. She wondered what he wanted to say as she got into the shuttle, lowered the hatch and initiated the start-up sequence. Once she could lift off slowly, Chakotay's figure became smaller and smaller until eventually, he was no more and she was high in the clouds on her way to Naxos.
It wasn't a long journey; she engaged impulse engines so that she could sit back and relax while the shuttle was on autopilot. Chakotay would go to Indiana where he'd take care of their dogs while her mother moved to Northern California with Admiral Ponsonby, whom she married soon after Voyager returned home.
"We waited for you to come home," Gretchen Janeway had told her at the time with a happy smile. Kathryn knew Admiral Ponsonby and had liked the quiet bachelor instantly as husband material for her mother. Now, Chakotay could slip away to Indiana from time to time and "run the dogs" as he used to say. Her mother and stepfather had a housekeeper whose husband helped around the property and kept an eye on the dogs.
She thought of the previous night. Chakotay had been edgy, nervous really, as she completed the last of her packing. She had lots of books, some sketch pads and pens and the paraphernalia needed for a vacation.
"Kathryn, are you sure this is going to work?"
"You suggested Naxos. It's a beautiful place. Why shouldn't it?"
"I feel I'm a stranger to you already," he complained.
She had wanted to tell him that she felt like the stranger, but kept her counsel. Instead, she made him stop where he had been pacing the lounge and kissed him on his cheek. A quick peck that left her hungering for a deeper kiss.
"It was your idea in the first place. Just remember what we're trying to accomplish, Chakotay, okay?"
He had stared at her long and hard. There was a war raging in his eyes. Did he think of kissing her back, or pulling her in his arms, or having sex with her? She still couldn't let go of the image of Chakotay and Seven together, or their sounds during their lovemaking. It'd been more than three years, but it haunted her daily, in her waking moments and in Chakotay's sleeping moments. On Naxos she had to make her peace with that. Chakotay was right. What if it didn't work? She had to get past Seven, past his clumsy muttering of the Borg's name in his sleep or when they had sex. To give him credit, a week ago when she had been so desperately unhappy, it had been the first time in months that he’d called out her name.
She loved her husband, loved him beyond her life, but in bed, she failed him. She was trying too hard, she admitted. If only she could let go of those images or the sounds, or his whispering of another woman's name instead of her own. She had been reticent with Justin, almost as unresponsive, and with Mark... She sighed. They were comfortable with sex but without fireworks. She had wanted it that way, never trusting her own body. Mark had, as she had told Chakotay once before, become her safety net. Always, she had instinctively known that Chakotay could touch her core and light her up. Only, it didn't happen that way; there were just too many factors that determined whether or not they could explode sexually.
Staying on Naxos the way they planned was to be their last, desperate attempt to save their marriage.
"Oh, God..." she prayed out loud in the silence of the shuttle. "I love him so... Please let everything work out...please..."
She had not been aware that she had been crying until a tear fell on her hand. Wiping the dampness from her cheeks, she concentrated on preparing to touch down outside the old city of Athens.
Only now did the excitement and anticipation get to her as she looked out over the Aegean Sea, spotting the numerous islands dotted around. The shuttle, which she and Chakotay had acquired for travelling, landed gently on Athens's shuttle launching pads. From there she would take a flitter to Naxos.
*
Chakotay for the moment was forgotten as the flitter landed only twenty metres away from the house that she had rented for her stay. She thanked the pilot after he helped her down the small slope to the house, carrying her luggage.
"There are transports all over the island as well as to the other islands, Mrs Janeway. Here is one terminus close to the house that will take you to Naxos Town and from there you can go anywhere..." he said cheerfully.
"Thank you so much."
**********
It was still morning. The house with its white walls, spacious rooms and beautiful patio that led to the beach had been prepared by the Aegean Tourist Authority. All the small villages were gone and in their place had been built beach houses and hotels - a perfect island resort where anyone with too much work could wind down and recharge. She conceded that she felt the spaciousness of the cottage only because she was alone. There was a large lounge opening on a patio overlooking the sea, two bedrooms, a small kitchen, breakfast nook and dining room. There was also a studio; when she had indicated that she wanted to do some painting, they had found the perfect cottage for her.
She expected no visitors or intruders in her little retreat. The house was hidden from view and only if someone wandered onto the private beach, would she spot anyone. She had been assured that security was tight and that they would make every effort to ensure it wasn’t breached.
Unpacking could wait. It would happen slowly, over a period of days, she imagined, smiling to herself as she sat on the patio drinking a passion fruit-lemonade blend from a tall tumbler. Now, she wanted to sit and enjoy the quiet with only the soft lapping of eddies that broke on the smooth sand not twenty metres away from her.
The sea gleamed brilliant aquamarine, making her think of Chakotay's sand painting. The painting would be completed by the time she returned, and he'd probably have started on a new one. He was so good, yet he never desired to exhibit his work.
When she finished, she went inside again and looked at the vid-com on the desk of the small alcove reserved for communication. Sighing, she sat down and initiated a comm link. Chakotay would have finished his second class by now and he would be in his office waiting for her to contact him. He had arranged that two of his senior cadets would travel to Athens where one would pilot their shuttle back to Headquarters.
"They are the most dependable in a pinch, Kathryn. I trust them. James Rollins is a real leader."
"Then it's done. If they crash our shuttle, I'm going to blame you..." She had smiled the night she told him that, remembering the occasions in the Delta Quadrant when Chakotay had crashed Voyager's shuttles, some of them beyond repair.
And this morning... What did Chakotay want to tell her?
When her vid-com beeped finally to indicate that Chakotay had responded, she opened communication. His face filled the screen. His office wasn't big, and she could see the portrait of Voyager hanging against the wall the wall behind him.
"Hello, Chakotay..."
He smiled, looking relieved.
"You've arrived safely with no hitches?" he asked.
"Thanks to your attention to every detail, running my vacation like a well-oiled machine, I'm here safe and sound, as you can see."
"Thank goodness. I was worried that you wouldn't call, you know. Who knows - ?"
Kathryn sighed. What was he thinking? That she'd seek some off-world retreat where it was impossible for him to find her? The thought had crossed her mind, but what would it have served? She was still a functionary of the Federation with too many responsibilities to contemplate absconding from Starfleet. In any case, Chakotay at least deserved to know where she was and that she had, indeed, arrived safely. It was his old proprietorial air and protective habits that at times irked her a little, but that was so Chakotay. It couldn't be separated from his personality. He would always want to do everything for her and protect her. It was in his nature and she loved him for it.
If only...
"I would never think of breaking our agreement, Chakotay. It is rather sweet of you to want to check from time to him that I'm still alive and kicking."
"I hope you'll find the time restful, Kathryn. I want you to be happy..."
"The first impressions of Naxos are very positive. I arrived at 1000 and I've sat on the patio from where I can walk straight to the water's edge. It's quite idyllic. Thank you again for suggesting the Aegean. The place is beautiful and restful. I'm sure it will work wonders. Don't worry too much, okay?"
"Then on Wednesday? I'll contact you at 1900."
"Fine. Take care of yourself, will you? And please do make up the bed in the morning," she said, giving him a smile.
"Kathryn, I - "
"What is it?"
Chakotay looked away, then turned to look into the imager again.
"It's nothing. Enjoy the rest of the day..."
The screen went blank, to be replaced by the Federation insignia. Kathryn rose from the chair and walked slowly back to the patio where she sat down in a white chair and looked pensively over the Aegean Sea, wondering again what Chakotay was going to say.
********
End Part 4