PART THREE
Kathryn's office was on the first floor of Starfleet Command and overlooked the spacious gardens kept in meticulous condition by Boothby. It was almost 1900 and Kathryn was still in her office. Lately she had taken to arriving home at 1930, exhausted after a full day starting at 0900. Her work with Admirals Paris and Ponsonby, her stepfather, was intensive, giving her little time off. What time she allowed herself was spent in the gardens, and when Chakotay was free for a spell, he'd join her there. They'd talk somewhat stiltedly, his heart flaring with hope when she cocked her head in the familiar way she had on Voyager, or lifted the corner of her mouth after he said something humorous. At least Kathryn fulfilled her role as the wife of an Academy professor, and he, the husband of a Starfleet admiral. It was good to be seen together, and many times they would attend concerts at the Julliard Conservatoire or the Paris Conservatoire. Sometimes they would attend an opera at the Metropolitan Opera House. Not that he liked opera very much, but he wanted to be by Kathryn's side, smell her perfume and just press his hand against the small of her back as they sauntered through the foyers of concert halls and art galleries.
Most days, he was home first and he'd prepare them dinner so that by the time she arrived they were ready to sit down and enjoy their meal. In the beginning, he had visited her in her office often, but as things began to take a downward spiral, those visits had decreased. Kathryn was strained most times, especially after a night like last night. On rare occasions, he'd wait for her to finish, pretending that he had to prepare lectures for the next day. Then they'd go out to a restaurant, or she'd laughingly fix dinner, saying the replicators still hated her. It was easy then to fool himself into believing that everything was fine with them.
He wasn't expecting her to forgive him or forget what happened during the night, but he was desperate now. Kathryn had never openly said it, but his days in her apartment were numbered. He was afraid that she'd throw him out like Seven of Nine had. Kathryn would leave him, or she would instruct him to take his bags and walk. It was a prospect he couldn't bear to entertain.
Her tears this morning had left him unable to handle the situation and he’d fled their home in helpless consternation at her anguish. There had been nights that she begged him, pleading, coaxing herself into a frenzy that left her frustrated, exhausted and tearful until he would sigh and pull her into his arms and murmur an apology. He had needed time. That had been his mistake. There had never been any real closure after Seven had left, and he’d struggled during the first two years, grappling with his emotions, his love for her and the manner of her betrayal.
The night air was cool for early summer as he walked across the lawns and entered Starfleet Command. At least he didn't have to press her door chime. She had given him her codes when they married, same as he had given her carte blanche to use his codes if she wanted to come to his office. The door opened after he entered the code and he stepped inside her spacious office. Kathryn was standing by the window, looking out over the lawns. It was dusk, light enough that he could see her expression in profile. She looked exposed and vulnerable. She turned, walked back to her chair and sat down.
"It's almost 1900, Kathryn. We could go to a restaurant, if you don't want to dine at home..."
"We need to talk," came her rejoinder.
"Kathryn, I - " he started, seating himself opposite her, "I agree." He looked at her face, now composed, a radical change from the raw look of earlier. There was a deep sadness, a melancholy air about her, and his insides shrivelled, knowing that he had put the sorrow there.
"We really can't go on like this. It's been three years. I thought it would work out eventually. I was...wrong..."
It was the closest she had come to admitting to failure. She was proud and so was he; they had to work at finding their own remedy. Kathryn looked away, then an impulse caused her to twist out of her chair and stand by the wide window again. He joined her, his hand wavering above her shoulder where he wanted to rest it. Her bearing seemed to scream that he not touch her. With a small sigh, he dropped his hand.
"Kathryn..."
She turned her head. Her arms were folded, the way he had seen too many times on Voyager. Was he going to get anything out of her? he wondered.
"What is it?"
"Do you love me, Kathryn?"
Her face paled. She blinked once, twice, before her eyes filled with a sheen of tears.
"I've loved you for a very long time. I was...foolish enough to think you'd wait. You and Seven...when you were together on Voyager... The crew talked, you know. Some of it came back to me. Not nice things. They were saying how happy you were with Seven. They were saying I made you wait too long. How could a man wait seven years for a woman to say to him 'Yes, I love you. I want to be with you for the rest of your life.' They - " She paused, facing the lawns again in a jerky movement.
"What else did they say, Kathryn?" he asked, his voice hoarse with pain. He didn't know... How could he know?
"I was a frigid old queen who cared mostly about getting her crew home and forgot how to be a woman with a warm heart and a warm body..."
"That can't be - "
"It's true!" she retorted heatedly. "But I can't help what I became! They were right! It was just so hard to swallow, what they were saying... There were other, more unflattering things..."
"You are the most caring person in the universe, Kathryn. Every member of your crew could attest - "
"Seven of Nine had more heart," she cut in, "and infinitely more body to pleasure Voyager's first officer."
"Kathryn, spirits!!"
"Sex would be better with Seven than lying between the legs of a comatose shrivelled old bitch."
"Stop it! Stop!"
"Don't they wish they could haul Captain Janeway to Commander Chakotay's cabin and make her watch Seven whimpering with passion as he screwed her senseless? Janeway needs to learn a thing or two about opening her legs for any man to make her more woman..."
He hadn’t known. The crew loved her, in the name of the spirits. How had these things slipped past him? He had chosen Seven. It had always been his choice, right or wrong. But their reaction... Was it borne out of their sharp disappointment? They had always told him how perfect Kathryn looked with him, how they expected their command team to make an announcement soon... How had these completely awful and unfair charges come to her? How could Kathryn not be bitter? He felt the bile rise in him, felt how his eyes stung with tears he wanted to shed for her.
He hadn’t known.
He knew Kathryn. She wouldn't talk about something so deeply hurting, something that ate like a cancer into her wounded pride. He had been utterly unaware of her sorrow.
Kathryn's eyes swam with tears.
"Don't flog yourself, so, Kathryn," he said quietly, finally plucking the courage to touch her shoulder, pulling back his hand when she flinched. But he wasn't going to give up. He touched her hair.
She turned her head so that she could look at him.
"It's the only way I can believe this - this farce. They said - " Kathryn closed her eyes. She tried with superhuman effort to control the betraying tears.
"No more, Kathryn... You are punishing yourself. Don't say - "
"They said how good you were with Seven, that you were enjoying stupendous lovemaking with her. Janeway couldn't give you that even if she turned herself into a Borg..."
Too stunned at her revelation, Chakotay pulled her gently into his arms. She felt warm, almost feverish as she pressed her face against him. Moments later, however, she pulled away from him, her eyes bloodshot, her bearing one of defeat.
"I can't compete with her memory anymore, Chakotay."
"We can work things out..."
"We thought that three years ago. It's not working. I can't stop myself seeing and hearing her with my husband, in my bed. You know, on Voyager..." Kathryn battled for a few seconds to check her emotions. "On Voyager," she continued, "you and Seven were pretty vociferous at times. There was not a night I didn't hear you..."
"God, Kathryn!"
"I know. I was punishing myself. I wanted to blank out the sounds, but instead I lay listening, hearing how happy you were. I saw how happy you were. I couldn't give you that..." A pause. "I love you," she whispered, her voice haunted. "Yes, I love you. But I can't make you happy... It's ironic, isn't it?"
He didn't know what to reply as she took her briefcase and started towards the door. Grabbing her arm, he turned her to face him again. It hurt him to the core too, that he couldn't make her happy.
"It's so ironic," Kathryn repeated her words. "There was a time I was arrogant and complacent enough to think that I was the centre of your universe, that just by sitting next to you on the bridge, being friends, talking in my quarters or yours, or playing Velocity, or enjoying our weekly dinners..." Kathryn gave a sob, then finally threw herself against him and for a few minutes wept with abandon. When she stopped eventually and stood away from him, she said, "I thought it was enough..."
"I'm not giving up, Kathryn."
"And I'm not getting orgasms, Chakotay," she said with deadly honesty.
He blanched.
"Dammit, Kathryn. Give me a chance!"
"How long? Another three years in which you call out her name instead of mine?"
Again he pulled her into his arms again, but she pulled herself out of his embrace.
"You want to give up," he said, suddenly defeated.
"I've had time to think today. I have leave due. Two months accumulated. I want to take a vacation somewhere. After that, we can talk again. I need time...away from you, you understand?"
He felt relief so keenly that his knees almost buckled. Two months reprieve... At least she hadn’t thrown him out of her life outright. He was expecting her to be resolved about the matter. Now, she needed time. If that was what she wanted...
"Let's go home, Kathryn, and we can talk some more about it, okay? Can I ask you something?"
A wan smiled formed around her mouth.
"What is it?"
"Please, I know how you like to lie in my arms. Will you lie in my arms tonight? Just so I can feel you're still near me..."
His heart thundered as he waited for her reply. Somewhere in his conscious, he conjured up an image of Kathryn lying in his arms on New Earth, teasing him, then leaving him.
"I'd like to lie in your arms...tonight," she promised.
*********
It was late. They had supper, which he’d prepared, just after they returned home. Their apartment, which had once belonged to Kathryn's parents, was spacious and consisted of three bedrooms; the small dining room just off the lounge was usually where they had dinner. Although some of the air had been cleared between them, Kathryn had been quiet throughout dinner.
He had admitted to her that he hadn't known how the crew talked, and her response had been short, as if she hadn't wanted to think about it anymore. Kathryn had declined his invitation that they go out for the evening, saying that she needed some rest.
"We could visit the holosuites and unwind with Velocity," he suggested.
But she had shaken her head. "I'd much rather stay in tonight, if you don't mind. I can read..."
"That's alright, Kathryn. I...want you to be happy, you know," he said, his voice trailing into the silence when she leaned forward to touch his hand.
"I know, Chakotay. But I asked for - "
"Time... Two months..."
"Yes."
Then it had been quiet again, their meal completed in silence. Kathryn had soaked in her tub, donned her nightgown and robe, slipped into a pair of slippers and made herself comfortable on the couch with a book.
She looked beautiful and fragile; from time to time she glanced up at him, giving him a wan smile. He was working on a sand painting. He called it Aquamarine, a picture of an inky blue ocean with a tiny sailboat sailing into the sunset.
Later he had seen how she nodded off and he had woken her gently and asked if she wouldn't be more comfortable in bed. He resisted the urge to lift her in his arms and carry her to their bed. She walked stiffly to the room and he remained in the lounge working on his painting.
After midnight he decided to call it a day and joined Kathryn in bed. She curled up against him, her leg thrown over his. He was afraid to initiate lovemaking tonight. Kathryn flinched a little when he touched her, sliding his palm along her thigh.
"Please..."
"Sorry."
He knew she was afraid he'd embarrass himself again. He was afraid that once again her body wouldn't respond to him. It hurt him deeply that he couldn't make her happy. He so very badly wanted to see Kathryn laugh, as she had in those first months and during the time they had spent on Risa.
They had talked about her vacation. He didn't want her to go, but accepted and respected her wish that she needed time away from him. It was their last ditch attempt to save their marriage. He had been inordinately glad that Kathryn didn't want to end it. They had discussed ways to improve their situation. Chakotay closed his eyes. She was going to be away for two months. She had been positive when they talked, saying that she'd like to give him - and herself - another chance when she returned.
Kathryn drifted off to sleep gradually. He looked at her sleeping form. In deep sleep she was comfortable, vulnerable. As she wormed herself closer to him, he felt the prick of tears behind his closed eyelids. Kathryn loved him, but they had to find closure on so many things. In the beginning when she had comforted him with her body, there had been no foreplay, no slow build-up to the act of sexual intimacy. He had been destroyed by Seven of Nine and in his grief, had just taken what Kathryn offered. Later, waking up slowly from his darkest moments, it had been too late. Kathryn's body had become unresponsive, no matter how hard he tried to arouse her. Out of desperation and impatience, she would sigh and tell him to get on with it. By that time comma he was too far gone to withdraw. Cursing Seven during his climax was the oil he threw on the fire. Sometimes weeks went by when there wasn't any sex, and Kathryn was content just to curl up in his arms and sleep.
In the last year he had finally laid the ghost of Seven to rest. He had thought so many times about how she had devastated him, how her deceit had plunged him into deep turmoil. He made peace with her betrayal and could think of her shattering and damning announcement with detachment.
.
A month after the debriefings - a month in which they had been as close as they were on Voyager - Seven had come to him and told him that there was someone else.
He had hardly had time to digest her shocking revelation when she continued, "I have now completed my training in human mating behaviour. You have taught me a great deal, Chakotay, about love, about devotion and passion in lovemaking; you have prepared me well for a relationship of love which I wish to pursue, now that I'm ready to take that step..."
"Annika...what are you saying?" He was staggering from her cruel blow.
"Dear Chakotay," she said, her eyes taunting as she touched his cheek, "I had never been with a man before you. I was a virgin - untouched, untutored. I had no framework for a loving relationship with a man. Theory is one thing. Experience is defining. I now have a frame of reference and you gave it to me."
He had been incredulous and crushed by the damning sentence on what he thought they had - a loving and caring partnership. Before his very eyes, Seven of Nine had turned into a deceitful female who enjoyed hurting him. Only the previous day he’d asked her to marry him. Her answer had been yes, she would, and she wanted Captain Janeway to perform the ceremony of joining them in marriage. Was that part of her unimaginable devious plot - to see how far he would go in their relationship?
He had staggered away from Seven, trying to pull himself away from the look in her eyes. They had been taunting, challenging him to hold her back from her decision to take another lover. The lover had been standing nearby and it provided another colossal blow to him when he saw Meghan Delaney reaching to take Annika Hansen's hand. Meghan the gentle twin whose sister Jenny had been the more voracious one, had been the new object of Annika Hansen's desire. He had like the twins, perhaps liked Meghan more because of her gentle spirit, and now, thinking back to that time, he realised how Meghan had spent an inordinate amount of time with Seven in the Astrometrics lab. Annika's betrayal, calculated and deliberate, her relationship with him acted out with such stunning authenticity, was what he had found so wounding. How long had Meghan been drawn into Annika's web of deceit? Annika had stood next to her new victim and turned her head in his direction, giving him a gloating smile, a smile that had reminded him of Seska.
His days after that were hazy, filled with dark shadows and a deep, numbing pain.
Kathryn had been the friend who remained his friend, his only constant in his bottomless abyss. When he asked her a month later to marry him, her eyes had lit up briefly before she said yes to him.
Now Kathryn believed that he still loved Seven. He was falling in love with Kathryn and it thrilled him to the core that he experienced with Kathryn what he never had with Annika Hansen: inner peace. And even if they had their trials in bed, he knew that they would be resolved. Kathryn had revealed much about her inner feelings and that admission in itself had been cathartic.
Kathryn stirred in his arms and he moved so that she could lie more comfortably, smiling as she buried her face in his neck. He kissed her forehead tenderly.
"I love you, Kathryn..." he murmured softly.
************
End Part 3