I told two girls who got off the elevator laughing (who apologized for it) that I was happy that they were glad. That was a good thing. I don't think it sounded sarcastic, but it could have if they expected it to, but it wasn't followed by a hurt look, so I don't think it did. I decided not to tag along with Leslie visiting because I wanted to get off the eggshells, but I'm not sure whether that's cowardly or doing what I want. It may be wise, not being stubborn and forcing myself to do things simply because I'm reluctant to do them. I was tired, so I stayed in bed though Sat. morning cartoons this morning. I'm not happy about that, but I don't want to punish myself because that won't help. When I talk to people lately, I don't have anything to say beyond the current scenery, which might be because we're not allowed to talk normally at camp and we also didn't have spare time. The problem with that is explaining circumstances (backgroud) when the people aren't around you constantly. I feel like I've heard everything, most in several versions. I don't want to tell stories now. I e-mailed the director of the horse research program asking if it would be ok for me to help out there. I'm happy with that. I think that's better than punishment. It was scary and hard, but also relaxed and trusting. I'm considering e-mailing Star and asking her how she's adjusting to not having a demanding schedule constantly, and I guess I wasn't going to, but it's not a big deal, is it? I don't know if she likes me, or if she was just getting along with a peer she had to work with, but I think it may be up to me. New approach: let her reject me. It is her choice, not mine to make. I did and that's good. I e-mailed Tink, too, earlier, but she's also invited me over (and I went once, suprise) and we've talked one-on-one more. Amber and Erin are coming tomorrow and I don't know what to do with them. Probably going to end up sitting and talking, walking, and going to the fencing demonstration. Talking to two people at once will be hard, three if Leslie sticks around. She never called about RenFest, so she might. This isn't polished and elegant, it's just my trying to tell the truth openly. Overlap was just playing and now Aquarius. With new people this year, I was going to try. That's part of why I didn't want to tag Leslie. They want me to consistantly change and so I don't want them to watch me experiment because they will get confused and think they don't know me because theu don't trust me that much. I don't know if I would. I can accept different people if they are different when I meet them, but changing later seems unreliable. That's slightly silly and confining. Ugh, trapping by committment. Should I try to win you? That seems to be a mistake waiting to happen, sweet, but doomed. Like showing up without calling? Grin. I accept the challenge and yes, I am arguing with myself, but I'm happier now.
Typos and missing sections. Chop and crop are not the same thing. Indentation is nice. One person and two (and a billion) people are worth the same amount. The number of people just generally is a big part of the probability of success. That is an answer to the Grand Inquisitor with respect to We and something I could have written an even shorter essay on for my final exam. We shouldn't need unconciousness to feel free. Something wacky is afoot [a foot]. Nah, I just felt like saying that. Felt. The felt smelt. "Violent Pride" in the May, I think, issue of S.A.. Interesting article. I had my parents read it. Then there's the greatest thing I've read in National Geo.: "There is an old song that goes:
'I would like to be the jaguar of your mountains
And take you to my dark cave.
Open your chest there
And see if you have a heart.'"
Aren't things swell? I'm cut off from civilization, trapped in the ashes of my home, and my computer is officially really, really mad at me. Much as I enjoy hanging around the house and having lots of spare time to do whatever I want within, I'm really not in the mood for it. I think I value dedication too much for my own contentment. At least, when I leap, they still take me seriously, usually.
"My name. I don't know. I once saw a fish." - Michael. "So she still digs archeology?" - Dad. And so I return to cyber-space. Victorious from my interview (if my references get their acts together). It's ok with Dad, at least. Do you have my "Young Miles," Ven? Michael want's to read Miles and I didn't see it in with my books (though it's raining, so I couldn't unpack today's stuff)... ok, anyway. Onward. See you.
How in the world did I forget what I was interested in? I want to study how people learn and connect and the scientific/teaching community's interactions with brains, the healthy neuroscience. I knew that. Sheesh. My last exam is May 2nd. We have to be out of here May 4th. Will I ever escape MSU? Maybe, what with remembering my purpose (sorta) and all. I'll see (and tell you about it if you're very lucky). Where is Leslie and why was the door unlocked? Should I be looking for a ransom note or her keys?
Ok, so I could not let the physical world affect me, but I like some of it and I'd have to give that up. I guess I just don't want it to be overwhelming so that I can't get out, but I also want it to be. Ergh, there goes trust again. Something to do with giving up responsibility through trust that bugs me, but it doesn't have to be that way.
And I can just put it down to not being my fault, it's just the genetic price I pay for going way up (going way down, that is), but I don't want to do that and so I'm going to ignore it for now: freeze, deal with later. It's just a left-over, anyway. For doing homework, I deserve fresh french fries (or rather, I will buy myself them whether I deserve them or not). Not literally, for once. On the other side (the practical, less emotional one: what, am I developing a split personality here, did I always have one), Mackinaw Island isn't going to work (we get out May 4, though I actually have all of my exams Mon and Tue., Leslie still has an exam on Thur. and moving out is going to take some time, though I could do it...). Mom's letters just make my day. To remind myself to respond: No, the G.S. aren't talking. Yep, check Stu-Info yourself for details if you like, but it looks very much like this past year's financial aid stuff. I'll be coming home May 4th or before whether I'm ready or not. Well, taking my stuff home. I'm more of an "End of the Summer" fan m'self. Look how cheery. Sheesh. It stings me. Work would be something I try at that has results I'm proud of which is why school doesn't work. Er. Why is it I relate so much to Lise? I hope you took care and got a good translation. Hmph, I actually wrote a poem. Reading Kevin's page (on a whim) cheered me up considerably (for a while. Then I went to chemistry recitation and the T.A. gave us the evaluation forms and tried to apologize for doing such a lousy job (without saying that) when he knew he was doing a lousy job all along and excusing it because he'd never taught before and barely spoke english (but the people who gave you the job thought you could do it so you should do it). Something about other people overcoming similar problems with similar resources was encouraging. That's three times I thank him for: for talking to me in civics, for teaching me how to hit a volleyball, and for getting over it.
Quick, save me from myself. I convince myself of the stupidest things. I'm such a coward. I'm afraid of boredom, annoyance, waste, regret, and that digging deeper'll show hollow insides. Of excuses. It's so hard to go along and to deal off my turf. If I felt better, maybe I'd have gone, but maybe I'd feel better if I went (like Leslie's going outside), but I have homework to do, but I'm obviously not doing it right now, but the reading and the essay aren't due until Tue. and the capa isn't due until Wed. and my head hurts and I want to lie down and not move and it's just an excuse because I lack self-displine and I'm trying to get out of working but what does it matter because I don't know how to say cleaners pollute the water and the polluted water causes things to need cleaning more often and it's a never ending downward spiral in spanish and I could do grammer fixes (and I did), but the question marks where he couldn't understand what I was trying to say are so frustrating and I have a 4 point already (as if grades mattered) and I could revise it forever, but I don't know the right answers so maybe it's a waste of time because I don't care but I want to always do my best, but maybe this is it (incomprehensible) and maybe this is easier than going to the banquet and maybe I'm a whimp and a hypocrite and maybe that would just have been avoiding doing my homework (I didn't have time to get it right, such an excuse) and why should I use what is hardest as my judge of what is right to do but how can I trust my own judgement when it doesn't say anything because I don't have a conscience that predicts consquences or plays through possible senarios and I don't know what I miss or what I could have done and maybe if I wait it'll go away, avoid deciding, simply resist both choices stall and I'm such a loser and why do I have to doubt everything and I know it wouldn't be great otherwise but I wish it would just leave me alone for a while. So I could numb down and wait for the pain to go away. I welcome pain, right, this just makes me wish I wasn't alive and it's not so bad, I can pay attention, I can make myself, but everything around me is annoying and there's been no injustice done (it's all in my head) and I'm whining and no one made me go and I hate that I noticed that. So petty. Now, I want to watch Kare Kano and it might make me feel better (humor myself) and then I might be able to do homework (such an excuse, like talking to Aaron instead of trying to sleep, which I didn't do, but trying to sleep didn't work so maybe I'd be an idiot not to watch Kare Kano now) and I would call but I don't know the number and you wouldn't be home like after my chemistry test and I'll survive by myself but there will be no quality and I can just wait it out (depression passes, such an excuse) and it's been 40 minutes and time won't wait with me, or rather deadlines. I don't care about time. It's easy to come by, easy to waste. And why can't I hold still. Oo, the drama. This is stupid and silly and I know it (and that it's not) and why can't I have an opinion, one point of view. Self-absorbed idiot. And who else is there, pray tell? And why can't I keep what I know. And why can't I ask any questions with satisfactory answers and why don't I care but I do, so much, so why is it a big deal because I made it, of course. "And it's just me." And no one else knows, either. Great, just great. Besides, what could I say, anyway. "Stroke on my ego." Such contemptible weakness. "The bad stuff's easier to believe." And I don't want to blind myself, but I want to be blind, the angels who see no evil, except that I don't really want that. I'm just frustrated with my lack of skill. And evidence. And I don't deserve anything because I'm lazy, except I'll get it done and maybe not proofreading and making myself ignore the idiocy of assignements is really easier than twisting and working them to make them closer to good. Maybe I should read my own writing and reduce myself to tears trying to get it right and risk getting stuck because why not, it'd be more stable but how important is it and can I make it so much because it isn't it that is important but the principle or rather the habit and maybe that's stupid because what if I never have anything important to use it on. Why attention? Stop me if I'm destroying myself but maybe I must in order to come back better and is this me worthwhile anyway. Maybe it's just that I don't admire her much right now because she hasn't produced any good results in a while and she takes insane stuff for granted. So contrary and disagreeable.
Forgive me. I haven't done anything and maybe I won't and I can't believe you for very long anyway and doubt is eating me alive except that it's me and I'm gnawing off my own hands and that's a sad excuse. "A miracle." I've got it good and I'm lucky and what's wrong? Nothing (to fight). And I don't know any other way and I'm not up to learning. So I lack conviction, so what. Decide anyway. But I don't know anything. Do something you can be proud of. Right, only nothing gives me pride. Duh, of course I should always get %100 on schoolwork because they did teach it to me (well,..) and talent and it's not me, just the made me, except who else is there except the whiner (who likes certain things and is vaguely interested in others but doesn't find the patience to follow through on anything and who won't try new things and who very wisely doesn't believe a word I say because it's all nonsense (suvival techniques, anyway), at least right now, and here's to the wimp who won't form a plot because she doesn't trust anyone! What an idiot. What to do? Whatever I want. Ok. Fear of addiction, too. What is there to protect, anyway? I have displine and it is my fault. )? I am annoying, but you like me anyway. Just great. Why can't I shut up? I can. Why haven't I? Someone slap me, quick, or I'll hate everyone. Can I trust you with my life? Well, it's so small that you might lose it in your pocket. Excuses dissolve at night (or the opposite). I don't want to get through it. Will someone judge(, please, so I can defy them)? Y'know, it wasn't that Homeless discovered that writing wasn't his calling (funny thing: calling):"I wan