Talitha Cumi

8/4/97
QUAGMIRE
"A Nothingness Quagmire Thing"
by C.Schmidt ®

Disclaimer/Warning: Warning this review may contain bad spelling and worse grammar, if you are sensitive to such things delete now. You have been warned. Oh and all rights to the x-files belongs to that surfer with the white teeth, Chris Carter.

Opening Scene -

We see two men chatting by a lake - the topic frogs and endangered species. They get into a heated argument over the rights of frogs. The Frog guy starts a commentary on the holocaust of the average frog and how over 6 million frogs were put to their death in this lake alone. Then he breaks out into a tearful rendition of "It’s not easy being green." The forest service guy is not amused and leaves. Before he makes it to his car the forest service guy realizes he is beeper-less and searches frantically for it. After all you never know when Smoky The Bear might call. After a quick search he finds it and unfortunately for him something that lives in this lake found him and has a taste for forest service people and the forest service guy becomes lunch. We are left with a picture of a frog perched on a rock croaking....

Cue Music --
"Jeremiah was a bull frog. He was a good friend of mine. I Never understood a single word he said but I helped him drink is wine and he always had some mighty fine wine."
‘Joy To The World’
Three Dog Night

Mulder and Scully are driving and Scully says....

SCULLY: Dog needs to take a whiz pull over.

MULDER: Did you have to bring that thing? And can’t he wait till the next rest stop?

SCULLY: Well lets see you call me on my one day off and say "Go now, case leave in an hour," and my mom is out of town, Missy is dead, Billy JR. hates me, and Charlie well we haven’t heard from him since well it’s been a while. Sometimes I even wonder if I have a younger brother. So unless you want to lose that deposit on this rent a car I suggest you pull over. Just pull up by that Ron Jon Surf Shop billboard.

MULDER: Which one there are like 10 in the last mile alone.

SCULLY: Any billboard will do just pull over. Whoa wait! What did that billboard just say? And why are we on this case?

MULDER: I don’t know I was looking for a Ron Jon’s billboard and listing to you complain not to mention I am driving and these Georgia drivers are the worst so I was keeping an eye on the road so I must have missed that other billboard. And we are on this case cause a Federal forest service guy is missing.

SCULLY: So. I had plans today but instead I am dragged to Georgia and it ain’t even peach season. Whoa there is that billboard again... Mulder is there something you are leaving out in your explanation on why we are here?

MULDER: Um... no Scully and I give up.... When you want a Ron Jon billboard they are no where to be found but when you could care less they are every where. Besides I think I am lost I’ll pull over at that Stuckeys and you can get some pecan covered stuff as a souvenir while that dumb mutt relieves himself. Did I ever tell you how much I hate your dog?

Mulder and Scully drive past 5 more Ron Jon Surf shop billboards and 10 Big Blue ones before arriving at the place where the frog guy works. They go to question him...

FROG GUY: You think I did it don’t you?

SCULLY: Well you have a motive so of course but you are lucky as my partner never believes the hard evidence and always reaches for straws. In this case he thinks there might be..

FG: Oh great, you believe that hooey about that monster Big Blue. This is a waste of time I have some frogs to go hug so if you will excuse me.

Mulder and Scully are still lost and the dog needs to potty again so they stop and to ask directions at the local bait and tackle store you know the one with the big blue dino on top. I mean all southern towns have them. Mulder is reduced back to the lower position of umbrella slave as they walk to the store - with QueeQueg in tow. They enter the store and Mulder looks for some cool Big Blue souvenirs while Scully looks for anything covered in pecans and a shirt for Queenquag that says "My owner went to the home of Big Blue and all I got was this dumb shirt."

SHOP OWNER: Can I help you two love birds with something?

MULDER: Yeah I am looking for these log cabins of some state road maps and...

SO: Well here is a map and you missed the turn off that is about a mile back. The map will cost you 10 bucks.

SCULLY: 10 dollars! What a rip off! You do know we are with the FBI and I do have a big gun plus a mean fierce killer dog outside and...

MULDER: Um... Scully I’ll pay for the map you don’t have to Okay?

SCULLY: Oh, Okay that works and can you buy Queenquag a doggie treat?

SO: Whoa FBI why I thought you two was a young couple going to those cabins to turn it into a love nest. So why is the FBI here.

SCULLY: Now why or how could anyone think we are a couple? It will never happen.

MULDER: Scully kill the "I never get sex speech," it is pointless and frustrating. Mr. Shop Owner we are here investigating the death of a federal forest official would you know anything about that?

SO: Well I think it was big blue, this is big blue area and his feeding time.

SCULLY: Ok case solved lets go back home now.

MULDER: Really you believe this Scully?

SCULLY: No but I have better things to do with my weekend then try to disprove something you want to believe is true.

MULDER: Yeah like what? Play with your dog?

SCULLY: Well I was going to give him a bath but...

SO: Oh look here comes the official person on everything big blue related Ansel.

ANSEL: Here are 5 more rolls and can I get 10 new rolls of film?

SO: Sure, these two are with the FBI and looking into the murders.

ANSEL: Well it was Big Blue he gets rather hungry this time of year. That your dog out there?

SCULLY: Yeah why?

ANSEL: I’d keep’em away from the shore line Big Blue loves little dogs.

A guy runs in and hollers "Call the sheriff we got a floater!" Mulder and Scully rush out to view the body. Mulder being the good umbrella slave effortlessly whips the umbrella opens it and quickly covers their heads (and also shields Scully’s view of him kicking QueeQueg) as they rush to the dock. They grab the torso....

SCULLY: Oh look his fly is undone.

MULDER: Scully! Please... Jeez I think we really need to get you on a date.

SCULLY: I couldn't agree more.

MULDER: Looking at a dead man's um... um.. private area like that jeez that is really sad.

SCULLY: No Mulder it is not that at all, but sex would be nice. See this guy was probably wasted...

MULDER: Scully he was a boyscout troop leader and had the troop on a camping trip when he disappeared.

SCULLY: Exactly this boy scout troop leader was more then likey drunk and well come on you read the head lines on boy scout leaders..

MULDER: Well true they are as bad as Catholic Priest... but that doesn't explain why we are staring at his lower half now does it? I think it was big blue.

SCULLY: Was not, this guy was trashed leaned over the side of the boat to urniate and fell in.

MULDER: Then explain where the other half of the body is little ms know it all.

SCULLY: Easy it's called motors and other fish....

MULDER: Yeah well how sure are you of this?

SCULLY: Well I need to do an autopsy before I am sure but...

MULDER: Now how did I know that was coming....

We see the Shop Owner taking a midnight stroll in the ever-so popular create your own monster imprint boots. Unfortunately this is Big Blue feeding time and he is turned into a late night snack for the lake monster.

The next morning Mulder and Ansel are looking at the Shop Owners hat and thinking that he is the monsters latest meal. The Sheriff and Scully - with QueeQueg in tow - show up...

MULDER: Did you have to bring that dog?

SCULLY: Yes.

MULDER: Scully watch that dumb mutt ok he is walking all over the evidence.

SCULLY: What evidence you mean those fake Big Blue tracks?

MULDER: How do you know they are fake I mean we have tracks, a hat and no one has been able to find the Shop owner...

SCULLY: Hey I went to college and I have a medical degree also I can spot a fake a mile away... You on the other hand...

MULDER: Shut up Scully and go take that dumb mutt of yours over there away from me. Sheriff I think you should close the lake down.

SHERIFF: No way! It is peak tourist season and well we are a poor southern community. This is ‘bout the only time people come here and we have to milk them for all its worth.

MULDER: Fine then more people are gonna die...

SHERIFF: How so you think you know who the killer is?

MULDER: Yep. And Scully your dog just ran off into the woods.

Scully follows QueeQueg and yells the infamous, "Mulder! Come look at this!" They see the boots and the blood.

SCULLY: So much for your theory huh?

MULDER: No look there is blood in the boot. Scully do an autopsy!

SCULLY: On what? There is no foot just blood. Mulder you are nuts!

We see the stand in druggies sitting on a dock getting high off frog toxins. The one in the water though is about to be breakfast. The druggies on the dock start screaming "Dude! Dude!!" As Big Blue has breakfast.

Mulder and Scully arrive, QueeQueg in tow. Mulder again demands the lake be closed. The sheriff says no and Scully agrees. And gets all worked up too as she gets to do another autopsy.

Next we see Ansel setting up is camera while he sings the Kodak "I see your true colors." All of a sudden something rushes out of the water and well it is lunch time so Big Blue has an Ansel on rye.

The same people, The Sheriff, Mulder and Scully - with QueeQueg in tow- arrive. Same thing ...

MULDER: You must close the lake!

SHERIFF: NO! Look let me fish Ansel’s body so your hot red headed partner can slice’em up and you will see.....

The sheriff is dragged into the water. After a little scare he swims back and agrees with Mulder...

SHERIFF: CLOSE THE LAKE!!! CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD!!! IT’S TRUE BIG BLUE IS TRUE!!!!

Mulder and Scully - with QueeQueg in tow- go back to the cabin and look at the bad photography of Ansel. After looking at a few teeth Scully takes the dog for a walk. Of course she shows Mulder she is safe cause she has a big gun on her hip.

QueeQueg wants to go in the woods and does. The dog takes off and Scully chases after him. Scully is scream in the woods "QueeQueg! QueeQueg!" Until we hear a squeal. Then Scully finds the leash and pulls it in. But only the collar and tag shaped like a bone saying QueeQueg returns... No dog... Scully cries...

Back at the cabin Scully sulks and Mulder is looking at pictures of Big Blues teeth. To distract Scully and take the dead dog off her mind he suggests they go for a boat ride ...

MULDER: Look I am sorry about QueeQueg...

SCULLY: Poor QueeQueg... I miss him already

MULDER: You know these are teeth and these other pictures are also of the shore line. I bet we could find this monster. Scully you want to go for a boat ride?

SCULLY: Poor QueeQueg. He was such a loyal dog...

MULDER: Scully! Did you hear me?

SCULLY: Could you repeat the last part I kind of faded out...

MULDER: Sure which part?

SCULLY: Um... everything after "I'm sorry about QueeQueg."

MULDER: I said lets not stand here and let some over sized lizard push us around no siree. Lets get even!

SCULLY: Revenge? How so?

MULDER: Let’s get a boat and hunt this creature down!

SCULLY: OK, but I’m driving and I get to shoot it! No one eats my dog and gets away with it....

Mulder and Scully go big blue fishing and literally run into.. into .. into well something. We get a bad version of Jaws, Scully calls a mayday and they abandon ship. They swim safely to a rock were they watch the boat sink, and then hear splashing. Both draw there guns and are totally freaked... MULDER: I say we swim for the shore.

SCULLY: Sure fine what ever. But what diction you gonna swim?

MULDER: Oh yeah it is sort of dark.

SCULLY: Exactly. Look just have a seat the cops will be hear soon I called in an SOS before we jumped ship.

MULDER: You know this wouldn’t have happened if I drove the boat.

SCULLY: What are you saying I am a bad driver? MULDER: Well... we came to find big blue not run him over now we will probably never find him thanks to crazy women drivers.

SCULLY: So what! Who cares! You know it is all your fault QueeQueg is dead. You are the one that called and I had to come and now no more QueeQueg. He is in the big doggiehoues in the sky..

MULDER: Yeah well what ever... besides look at it this way... All good dogs go to heaven...

hey are startled again by more splashing noises and draw their guns... Only to find out this time it was ducks. Which in turn makes Mulder hungry and he says....

MULDER: Hey Scully ever think about cannibalism?

SCULLY: Um... no, why?

MULDER: No reason, hey you have lost weight haven’t you?

SCULLY: Yes I have and so I am not good eating so leave me alone to sulk about my dog!

MULDER: Yeah speaking of that what ever possessed you to name it QueeQueg? That is such a dumb name.

Scully explains the Moby Dick thing and Mulder comes to the realization he needs a peg leg, then he goes into a nice drawn out Mulderism, and it finally dawns on Scully...

SCULLY: You are Ahab.

MULDER: Am not!

SCULLY: Are too!

MULDER: Am not and stop calling me names.

SCULLY: But you are Ahab.

MULDER: Are you coming on to me?

SCULLY: No way it would never work remember we aren't allowed to have sex and I will always resent you know and hold you accountable for my dog's death, but you are Ahab.

MULDER: Am not!

SCULLY: Are too are too!

They hear more noises and see a light... its the Frog Guy...

MULDER: What are you doing here?

FG: Well I was out walking and heard voices...

SCULLY: Voices walking huh...

FG: Yeah the sure line is like right here, and what are you two doing out here? Sorry if I interrupt umm you know a private moment.

MULDER: Oh don’t worry we aren’t allowed to have sex so you interrupted nothing. Scully crashed the boat and we thought well....

SCULLY: Yeah we feel dumb now, and why were you here again...

FG: Well I come here to talk to the frogs. So you crashed the boat huh?

The frog guy explains some more stuff, then gets mad at Mulder as Mulder goes into a Mulderism demeaning the frog guys work by saying there is a depletion in the frog population because big blue loves frog legs - taste just like chicken. The frog guy leaves. The sheriff pops out of no where to inform Mulder and Scully that there as been an another death and that all the personal at FT Bragg are now in the area hunting for big blue. Mulder tells then they are looking in the wrong area. Scully is able to get the sheriff to leave a few men before he goes big blue hunting. Then they hear screams. The rush over and find the frog guy...

FG: I believe I believe there is a big blue you were right! He tried to eat my leg. Where is my bag of frogs are they safe?

SCULLY: They are fine but you are loosing blood. Mulder we need to get him to a hospital.

MULDER: Fine you do that, I’m gonna go slay the monster. No one eats my partners dog then causes us to lose the $500 deposit on a boat. I want my revenge.

SCULLY: See you are just like Ahab! Fine do what ever....

Mulder goes off into the woods and after lots of weird angle shots of frogs we hear a weird noise and a massive action scene is set. The monster charges for Mulder. He pulls out his gun and fires all the rounds. When the onslaught is over we find out Mulder killed an alligator. The Sheriff congratulates him then fines him for shooting a gator out of season.

Mulder and Scully stand on the bank of the lake and contemplate what and why people believe before they leave...

Closing Scene ----

No I will not watch.... That was not a dinosaur or big blue... I don’t like closure so I turned the show off before looking at the fake hoax of a dinosaur arise from the lake.

THE END