Kitsunegari

1/5/98
KITSUNEGARI
'A Nothingnes Review - Kitsunegari'
by C.Schmidt ®

Disclaimer: I will not, can not, did not nor do not like green eggs and ham Sam I am! I did not like them in a box I did not like them with a fox! But FOX owns this little diddy or at least the insperation for it. I can only take credit for the bad grammer worse spelling and all the headaches that ensue from reading this mess I call a review. Did I mention my spell and grammar checker are slightly f**** umm... broken?

Opening Season -

It's it's it's.... a prison for the mental challenged. Oh look there's Christan Slater and Robert Downy Jr. right next to wait that ain't pusher is it? Holly mollie! Batman it is it is pusher! Crap the sound fades in and out and I can't hear what the big dude pushing (no pun intended) the wheel chair with pusher strapped in said... Oh yeah, something about "Don't talk to this guy! He is bad very bad....." They lock the very bad invaild in the cell, he plays mindgames with the young dumb guard and has to go.... In other words he escapes..... And we cut to the ever-ominous cool sounding music....

Cue Music-

"Show me a prison, show me a jail. Show me a pris'ner whose face has grown pale, and I'll show you a young man, with many reasons why, there but for fotune, go you or I."

'There But For Fortune'
Phil Ochs

Well it was that or... "They're coming to take me away ha ha. They're coming to take me away ho ho, to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean whit coats. They're coming to take me away ha ha!"

Back to the show, and there is a big to do in the basement of the prison. Skinner gives the lowdown and then says Mulder and Scully are the *new* agents in charge of this case, and they give us some background info on pusher....

MULDER: He loves to be called Pusher and other terms of endearment when love making....
SCULLY: Yeah, and he loves those little high carbo-candy-need a sugar high-bars and those power protien drinks, especially mango/kiwi flavor....
MULDER: And he loves to play Russian Rullette.....
SCULLY: Did we mention he has a mean evil brain tumor that should do him in any minute now?
FBI AGENT #1: How come you know so much about this dude?
SCULLY: Um... cuase Mulder blew his brains out when we were on the case last....
MULDER: Yeah you people better careful he likes killing law enforcement types...
SCULLY: Yeah he has a certian esclating fetish for uniforms...
FBI AGENT #2: Ok, I'm lost..... If Mulder blew this guys brains out then why is he even alive now messing up my vacation?
MULDER: I'll answer that... It was all those high protien snacks he loves... Those helped him get better...
SCULLY: Well after Mulder pumped Model, um... Pusher, full of lead, and after we got intamate for what all of 3 secs and held hands... Pusher hung around as a vegie in a coma milking money from our already taxed govement by fitting us with the bill for his over extended sleep.... He was in a coma for about 6 months and then one day he woke up....
MULDER: Hey that stuff happens...
SCULLY: Anyway he then got a bit better and then told the highly awarded big musclur top of his class guard, that he had to go and the guard let him.....
MULDER: And now it is up to us to stop this sicko!
FBI AGENT #1: Why didn't you finish the job the first go around Mulder ? And why is this vegie guy so dangerous?
FBI AGENT #2: Yeah he should be easy to catch, half weak from the brain tumor and the effects of the coma plus he as no clothes or money.... This is gonna be a peice of cake. We'll catch this dude and cover your butts for botching it up the first time around.
MULDER: NO! Be careful! I'm serious Pusher is not what you think....
SCULLY: Yeah he is smart! And even knows what the scientific explanation of a 'whammy' is!

Well Model gets a high crabo buzz and starts eating mega candy bars while playing mindgames with the zippy conventient store attentent. Model calls Mulder and they chat..... Pusher tries to get in Mulder's head but Scully sticks her face in and makes Mulder hang the phone up. They get the trace and high tail it to that store and find the attentent walking around in prison grab mumbling somehting about how he had to go....

Things happen like some guy is found all covered in blue paint. Oh it was the guy that put Modell in jail. Everyone thinks Model is trying to get revenge and the word Kitsunegari is discussed. After much thought it is deemed to mean Fox hunt and Scully even goes on a limb and connects it to Fox Mulder. Some how they end up at a doctors office and more stuff happens.....

Yet still more stuff happens and somehow Mulder finds out he has an appointment with some chick named Linda. All think Pusher made it up but they go anyway..... Eventually Skinner takes his *new* top notch speical *new* agent off the case and now just Scully is in charge.....

More weird stuff happens in a warehouse, one guard is holding is partner speard eagle at gun point screaming, "I got'em!!!" All the other cops LOL at him when they arrive.... Skinner or was that Mulder? Don't matter but what did matter was that Pusher was shoot in the shoulder, could a been Scully as we all know she is a bad shot and this does turn out to be a fatal shoulder wound.....

Now we learn pusher has an evil twin that he nor the twin know about. Pusher confesses some usless stuff to Mulder before dying....

MULDER: Why use blue paint?
PUSHER: I didn't! It was my other evil half!
MULDER: Why ain't you trying to play games with me and why haven't you killed anyone yet?
PUSHER: It's the cancer it has made me weak.... Think I'll win an emmy like Scully did for having cancer?
MULDER: No!
PUSHER: Darn...I want an emmy those things are cool looking. Anyway you must stop my evil mean sis.
MULDER: Why?
PUSHER: She is the one that painted that dude blue and she is now after you and your little red-headed chick....
MULDER: She is not my little red-headed chick! Jeez! And why is she after us?
PUSHER: Um.... I think it has something to do with the fact you shot me. And she also has the pushing power so be careful as she has not learned the ways of the force yet and is easly swayed to the powers of the dark side.... She skipped the rest of pusher training for a can of blue paint and a power protien shake..... Mulder!
MULDER: What?!
PUSHER: It's up to you to save the world from her evilness......
MULDER: Why me? What's wrong with your legs? I don't see no casts on them, you save the world from your sis. Besides I'm no match for her I can't push like you.....
PUSHER: Oh, but you are a worthy oppenent and she loves the chase, more so then me...... And I'm tied.... I think I will die now.....

Pusher crocks and nothing makes sense in this ep right now as for some reason Mulder is at a warehouse and so is Scully?????

MULDER: Scully! How did you find me?
THE FAKE SCULLY: I just knew....
MULDER: Oh, that's nice.... Scully, why you pointing that gun to your head?
THE FAKE SCULLY: Because my life sucks and I wanna end it! At least at point blank range I won't miss huh?
MULDER: Scully why? Don't shot! We can work this out.....
THE FAKE SCULLY: No we can't we are two different and I no longer wish to live.......

Scully pulls the trigger and falls to the ground blood oozzing everywhere. Mulder rushs to her and then see's the evil twin he pulls is gun and the evil twin starts yelling at him....

THE FAKE LINDA: No Mulder this is a game, I'm not really the evil twin I'm Scully!
MULDER: No way you just made my Scully blow her brains out! You are evil and I'm gonna kill you!
THE FAKE LINDA: No Mulder, it's me.... Scully... Ok fine.... Um.... your mother's name....
MULDER: Is mama mulder..... Chris never named her.
THE FAKE LINDA: Did now. Your mama's name is Tina and your sister's name is or was samatha or it could be clone #233....
MULDER: I don't believe you! You will have to give more info....
THE FAKE LINDA: Like what?
MULDER: I don' know I'll have to ponder that a while.....
THE FAKE LINDA: Mulder I don't have all day.... Now come on hurry up and break the hold over the evil pusher women so I can go get some real clothes on and get home in time to watch the very first Babylon 5 movie thing.... I missed that the first go around and now I'm lost....
MULDER: You are the evil twin! Scully hates Sci-fi....
THE FAKE LINDA: No it's me! I'm watching so we have idol "How is the weather," type chats on our long car rides to visit all the ufo sightings and other wierd happenings we go on.... I'm reaching out Mulder....
MULDER: Um.... then tell me something only Scully would know....
THE FAKE LINDA: The answer for all the important things in the universie is 42! There are we done now?
MULDER: NO! Wrong anwser!
THE FAKE LINDA: Good God this is worse then asking for my damn desk!
MULDER: SCULLY!!!!!! It's you!

Well believe it or not they wrap this episode up. We are in Skinners office and getting all the blanks filled in.....

SKINNER: GREAT awesome job Mulder!!!! Sorry I took you off the case. But man did you figure all this out, great!
SCULLY: I think I am gonna be sick! He almost kills me AGIAN! And you grovel over his greatness? For what? Did he cacth pusher? NO! Did he get the evil twin? NO! Did he figure out how to push? NO! Yet Mulder gets an accomidation... And what do I get? Nothing! No guy, no desk hell I don't even have a dog no more. Or a sisiter or a duaghter for that matter!
SKINNER: Shut up Scully! Mulder great job! Wanna play some golf later? I'll start inroducing you so some of the good'le boys with the FBI.
MULDER: Hey sounds cool. When?
SKINNER: Next week... Just let Scully handle your cases......

THE END