Chinga

2/9/98
CHINGA
‘A Nothingness Review, Chinga!’
by C.Schmidt®

Disclaimer: I wrote this but Chris Carter re-wrote it so all the stuff fits into the x-files form but just so it is known, this episode takes place in Maine. It was even written in Maine, even though when I look out my window it looks suspiciously like Vancouver... err LA... Nope they ain’t moved there yet... Um, Winter Park Fl, yeah that’s it the palm trees and lack of snow for a brief moment in time gave me the wrong impression that it was LA, but no rain from the El Nino thing was the give away. So remember this review was written in Maine not Fl even though there is sand and the smells from space shuttle exhaust all over this review it was really done in Maine. Crap where did my shirt that says Maine go! Oh never mind I found my "Eat your Maine Lobster" hat ...... insert all legal notices here -----> Not mine.... blah, blah, blah,.... theirs... blah, blah, blah.. sue... blah, blah, blah,.... no don’t sue..... blah, blah, blah, <----- end legal crap..

Opening Season -

Hmmm, I think this episode is supposed to happen in Maine - look the license tag says Maine. A mom, her kid and an evil doll go grocery shopping, in MAINE! All is normal in this peaceful town in MAINE! Look ain’t that the chicken lady from that B&W episode? Oh and she just gave the mom and kid the evil ‘eye’ as they enter the grocery store in MAINE! Things go normal for a bit, you know mom is going down every single dang-blasted aisle and the kid demands to go home -just like all everyday trips to the store go when kids are in tow. Suddenly the meat man comes out and the doll speaks "Let’s Play!" All hell now breaks loose as people start ripping their eyes out, dog and cats (and lobsters this is MAINE! After all) living together, ghosts and pigs running everywhere bees and trees even err wrong episode.... OK back to the story, mom, girl and evil doll leave unscathed but the meat man sticks a knife in is eye....

Cue Music-

Um... sticking the childhood songs this one will send shivers down your spine more then the Hokey Pokey! ‘I love you. You love me. We’re a happy family, with great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won’t you say you love me to.’
‘The I Love You Song’
Barney

Err better version -
"I love you. You love me. Let’s shoot Barney from a tree. With a great big shot gun hit him in the head. We’ll all hope that Barney’s dead!"
"The I Love You Song"
Cynthia Schmidt

We see um... what looks like sea side city in MAINE! But really looks more like the shopping center next to North Shore Studios in Vancouver. Oh look there is a hot babe driving a blue mustang... Oh wait that ain’t no hot babe, it is Scully! Sorry it was hard to tell I mean she wasn’t in her normal alien-power-suit, instead jeans and a MAINE! T-shirt. The phone rings and Scully rips apart her car and luggage to find the phone.

SCULLY: Scully....
MULDER: Scully it’s me....
SCULLY: I’m on vacation in MAINE! so leave me alone!

Click....Scully hangs up on Mulder and then proceeds to finish pumping her gas and gets in the car and starts to drive away, but then takes note of all the people running out of the grocery store with their eyes clawed out, so goes to help and loudly proclaims, " play a doctor on TV plus I’m an FBI agent with my own look-a-like doll! So move out of my way I’ll save everyone!" One of the store employees explains what happened and tells Scully about the dead meat man, she goes and looks, and then promptly calls Mulder.

MULDER: Mulder...
SCULLY: Mulder it’s me...
MULDER: Thought you were on vacation in New York, and didn’t want to be bothered?
SCULLY: It’s MAINE! And I am... and I do or don’t what the hell are you watching?
MULDER: The Turning.... Um I meant The World’s Deadliest Magicians Meet The Swarm on FOX... I get this feeling I should be boning - no pun intended there Scully- up on bees.... So what’s up?
SCULLY: Well I’m at a store and weird shit is happening....
MULDER: Like what? And see this is why you shouldn’t go on a vacation without me you always get in trouble...
SCULLY: Yeah right, but anyway these people are behaving in a strange violent way....
MULDER: Well it is because they are in Maine weird stuff always happened there. You aren’t by chance in Derry are you? Anyway whom are they directing this behavior too?
SCULLY: Themselves...
MULDER: Really ? Cool...
SCULLY: Yeah, they are beating at their faces clawing their eyes out and buying tabloids while waiting in line! And one dude is dead!
MULDER: Dead how?
SCULLY: Knives through the eye...
MULDER: Cool, and it sounds like witch craft. Scully, my advise... Get out!
SCULLY: I don’t think so...
MULDER: No really sounds like something out of a Stephen King book come home Scully, I’m bored...
SCULLY: Err no and I don’t think this is witch craft... no witch craft signs

Scully then goes into this long ass Scullyism on all types of witch craft and sources quoting all kinds of stuff... This of course turms Mulder on....

MULDER: Marry me....
SCULLY: Hell no! You are a sicko and it isn’t in the script.
MULDER: Well I still say witch craft....
SCULLY: Is not but I gotto go thanks for you ever so insightfully thought on this bye bye....

Scully hangs up and then reviews the tapes of the eye clawing at the local grocery store. She notices the mom with the girl with the evil doll and suggests the cops question her. In the hall way we learn probably the most info concerning this whole case during the whole episode. The mom's name is Melissa. Oh and she slut and the locals think she is a witch. Seems she was dating Dave the butcher the one that stuck the knife in his eye during the day's onslaught of evil happenings.... The other cop calls Melissa and warns her about the weird FBI chick asking questions.....Now we know the cop is gonna be next to die as the spooky music starts -yeah the Hokey Pokey- and well lets’ just say I have a feeling the cop is dead meat.

Scully and the other cop (the one that always plays a cop on the x-files) arrive at Melissa’s house. Scully being the nosy FBI agent she is notices the back door is open and well since it is open they can technically enter. Just to be sure though, she quick calls Kenneth Star and asks for immunity from prosecution. Scully and the rent-an-actor-cop enter through the back door. They chat about theories and Scully gets a little more details on this case.

Meanwhile at a local food place, Buddy (the other cop) and Melissa talk. Buddy is nice and buys the girl an ice cream Sunday with a cherry on top. They chat and more stuff is divulged. The kid wants more cherries but gets mad at the employee who acts like a smart ass when telling the girl she needs money. So the doll speaks yet again... "Let’s Play" and the employee’s hair is is sucked ice cream machine....

Scully and the other cop visit the daycare lady and Scully explains she believes in witches and that she is in the FBI but here in MAINE! On vacation.... A bit more of the plot or at least some sort of details are talked about but these give us no clue as to what is going on.. Yeah nothing is really revealed....

Later that evening we see Melissa and the girl going camping but the kid is a brat and demands to go home. The doll speaks "Let’s play" Melissa sees a dead image of the daycare lady and they flee... Back at the daycare lady’s house she is attacked by an evil broken record of the Hokey Pokey and dies... Scully takes a bath.... After her bath Scully sees she has a message on the telephone and that she has a visitor -the cop. We also learn that Scully was attempting to catch up on some light reading, "Affirmations For Women Who Do Too Much" or at least that is what I could make out.... Anyway they go to the crime scene and the coroner people are there.... How do we know this well there was a big black van with the words "Coroner" written on it so it was sort of a dead give away....Scully goes in and looks at the body, and Mulder calls...

SCULLY: Mulder?
MULDER: Yeah... Um, you OK?
SCULLY: Yeah fine just on vacation is all why? MULDER: Well I called ya and you didn’t reply...
SCULLY: Been busy site seeing remember I’m on....
MULDER: Yeah vacation... Well I was wondering if you needed my help on this I could be there in....
SCULLY: Nah... I got it under control, what is that noise...
MULDER: Um... Um... what noise?
SCULLY: That hammering or is it a basketball?
MULDER: Oh they are doing construction on the apartment above me you know where those people died that real violent death... something about it was haunted and they want to re-rent it out , hold up let me yell at them...[Mulder hollers] Hey stop the damn noise I’m on the phone!
SCULLY: Hmm why do I get the feeling you are bored and miss me and that you are really bouncing a basketball and looking for food in your empty frigde?
MULDER: I dunno but look Scully really I think there is more to this case then witch craft... I think there is a scientific explanation and that it is maybe related to the dancing of the macorna syndrome. This has been known to take over the local population when it happens and you need me so I will be there in exactly 1 hour and 13 minutes OK?
SCULLY: Um.. no! It is not that and since when do you buy into a real explanations much more a scientific one? You are still mad cause I turned down your marriage proposal huh? And don’t drink that bottle of Sunny Delight it is expired I gave it to you 4 years ago...Mulder you there?
MULDER: Yeah sorry I was just throwing up I drank the Sunny delight.....
SCULLY: I’m hanging up now cause I’m on vacation and thanks for the help... bye bye...

Well after they all do the Hokey Pokey, Scully calls the cop Jack and again it is stated that Scully is on vacation but they are open to extreme possibilities... Back at Melissa house the doll speaks "Let’s have fun" and well by now we all know that means someone dies....And Melissa see the dead image of the cop Buddy. Meanwhile Scully eats lunch.. Um.. a MAINE! Lobster (well she did change clothes and the MAINE! T-shirt is now replaced with a black one and we have to make sure everyone knows this ie MAINE!)... Scully and Jack talk about the case and stuff their faces.....

Buddy goes and sees Melissa and accuses her of killing the daycare lady and then calls the kid a brat. This doesn’t sit well with the doll and she speaks, "I want to play!"..... Well we then see a wonderful shot of an inlet with boats and those buoy thinge and it bobs up and down... Run! SHARK! Wait wrong horror writer and wrong state this is MAINE! And wrong story... back to the x-files....Scully question the fisherman dude and it is agreed the dolly is evil and behind all this mess... Scully and Jack the Cop hightail it to Melissa’s house but not before Mulder calls again!

SCULLY: What Mulder!
MULDER: Oh, you are answering your calls now cool...
SCULLY: WHAT! I’m busy!
MULDER: Well I think it might be viral...
SCULLY: What is viral?
MULDER: This case... spread by touch... I’ll be there in no time to help...
SCULLY: NO! It is an evil killer dolly.
MULDER: Like Chuckie?
SCULLY: Yeah gotto go bye bye...

Back at the Melissa abode, the kid demands more popcorn and we see that Buddy is now dead. Later the kid finally goes to sleep. Mom like a fool starts hammering. The kid wakes up and the doll says "Let’s Play!" Um... cue dead person as mom sees an image of herself in the window with a hammer in her head. Scully and Jack arrive.... Mom is smart and hides the hammer and then tries to burn the house down but the match won’t light and that pesky Scully and Jack are at the front door...They figure out that Melissa is trying to kill herself but the dolly won’t let her play with matches or knives but does like the hammer. Meanwhile Jack and Scully hurl and hurl them selves at the door trying to break in....Finally they break the door down. Mom starts whacking her ahead with the hammer the dolly speaks,"I want to play" over and over, Scully tries to take the dolly... Finally Scully over powers the kid and takes the dolly shoves it in the microwave, and nukes it to kingdom come.....

Closeing scene -

We now find out how our tax dollars are spent, they are spent on pencils so bored FBI agents can stick them in the asbestos ceilings while their partners are killing psycho dolls in MAINE!

Scully returns....

MULDER: Your back! Scully your home!!!!
SCULLY: Yeah... Um.. can I ask you a question?
MULDER: Sure anything Scully I’m so glad you are back...
SCULLY: The poster where did you get it?
MULDER: Some head shop why?
SCULLY: Cause I wanna send one to Jack.
MULDER: Jack?
SCULLY: Yeah a guy I met on vacation in MAINE!
MULDER: Oh... Um.. did ya solve the case?
SCULLY: Me? No Jack did though... remember I was on vacation in MAINE!
MULDER: Oh yeah right...
SCULLY: So did you do anything productive while I was gone?
MULDER: Yep lots of work was done and all the pencils are now in the ceiling.....

Back in MAINE! The dolly is found again.....

THE END