ALIEN 1#: Jack, what is that?
ALIEN 2#: How the hell should I know...
Cue Opening Theme -
OK, this is a repeat episode and the Globes are on, on the other channel so all X-Philes either run to the other TV, or switch channels during the opening credits... Then realize the Dustin Hoffman tribute is just starting and flip back just in time to see... WHOO WHOO Mulder!!!! Triple WHOO WHOO WHOO!! SCULLY!!!! Then every one makes a beer, bathroom and eats run, oh yeah and a check on how far in the life of Dustin Hoffman Tom Cruise has gotten too, and they are just at the "Graduate," so this could be a while....
SCULLY: I must apologize for my partners absence, he is always ditching me and I’m getting pretty sick of it too! But in this case I really don’t mind, because I ‘m a great admirer of your work!
JOSE CHUNG: And to think I just thought you were a brainy beauty, you got taste too! And know how to brown nose in a very flattering way.
SCULLY: Well I have been practicing, I am in the process of re-negating my contract and the bitching at people thing didn’t seem to be working and I really like my job... It does pay better then a waitress of an FBI Agent. So I have decided to try a different approach, and suck up. So how may I help you? Oh, first can I get you to sign my copy of "The Calagrian Candidate?"
JC: Sure...And I wanted to get your side of the story on this recent alien abduction. Its for my new book, and this sort of thing is hot right now so I want to cash in while the getting is good.
SCULLY: Well, lets see where should I begin?
JC: From the beginning is always a great place to start, but please! Don’t start off with "I know this is going to sound crazy but I saw an alien," standard opening. I have been there, done that and seen it to many times for this book.
SCULLY:That’s Ok, I won’t start off like, because I’m a skeptic and don’t believe in aliens. Even though I was abducted by them, I’m in denial and seeking professional help at the moment. Well anyway by the time we were called in my partner, who thinks he knows all there is to know about alien abduction, surmised that the two teenagers in question had experienced what he calls "Missing Time," and there fore is adamant that an abduction took place..
JC: So you don’t believe..
SCULLY: I told you I’m the skeptic! And Mulder believes everything. He tried to convince me that we experienced time loss, I told him that he really should splurge for a Timex instead of those cheep rinky-dink, K-Mart, Blue light special Rolex clones that or change the batteries in the dang-blasted thing more often. Anyway back to the story. The girl remembers nothing of the previous night nor how she arrived at her present where abouts. Her body exhibited signs of physical abuse and her clothes were on inside out and backwards. I dismissed it as the trend of the teens these days and attributed the memory loss to alcohol and not wanting to tell her dad what really happened for fear of benign grounded. Well later she was released from the hospital after an exam and a statement had been taken. And the young man she had the date with was apprehended out side her house, when he came to see her. There was also something about a nose bleed and aliens but that is all a bunch of hooey! The local police questioned him and everything was air tight till we got there. Mulder questions the lad but he is at this point caving in and says if Chrissie says I raped her then I must have raped her. Mulder doesn’t buy it and tells him to tell of the truth or the only rape that will happen is his own in prison.
JC: Is your partner also this abrasive with witness?
SCULLY: Well no, we usually take turns at good agent bad agent. After all I can be pretty down right mean, and I must admit I find it rather fun and amusing at times to make people squirm. But back to the story... Mulder then brings in the girl for more questioning. Mulder starts asking a slew of really dumb questions. While I stand in the back ground looking totally hot mind you but bored!
JC: Well you are hot Agent Scully, but please continue this is interesting.
SCULLY: Well Mulder is then certain that the girl is suffering from Post Alien Abduction Syndrome. And wants her do undergo hypnosis.
JC: But you don’t buy it?
SCULLY: Of course not! Mulder is a loon! I should know I’ve had to listen to his ramblings for a little over 3 years and still have at least 2 more years of being subjected to these God awful Mulderisms before my contract is up... and then there is the movie. This could go on for the rest of my life! God what have I gotten myself into!
JC: Well Ms. Scully I don’t know but could you please hurry with your version of the story I do have a dead line to meet and not to mention that after this episode my career will be rejuvenated and I have lot of additions for some game shows again.
SCULLY: Oh, yeah sorry... Well the parents agree to the hypnosis Mulder was just dying to have done. I don’t like hypnosis, I think it is just a government tool used upon the unsuspecting public to manipulate their voting powers on both the general elections and buying power. It is after all the only way to explain Barney and The Power Rangers sudden rise to the top of the entertainment world and the constant re-election of members of both the Congress and Senate even though they never seem to accomplish anything. But back to the story... we called the local shrink and he put her under as we all watched, it was very boring and I almost feel asleep. Still looking mighty damn good mind you even if I was forced to stand in the back ground. Anyway she recounts her story of space ships and aliens and to be quite honest her Mr. Chung, she got it all wrong.
JC: Wrong? I don’t quite follow you here Ms. Scully. All the reports I read from her statements seem very consistent and also contestant with all known alien reports.
SCULLY: That to is a lie we tell people sir. See I know the truth because it is in here... in this mess of an office some where. I keep telling Mulder to get this place cleaned cause I swear on my Mother’s bible -and she is a devote Catholic Mr. Chung so I would never lie for fear of being struck down by the hand of God. So believe me when I tell you, the truth is in this office under some sunflower seed some where and this girl got it all wrong. There are no spaceships or little gray men, that look like our AD Skinner only shorter or the Chupacabia. The aliens conduct their experiments on trains not on spaceships and is done by these Japanese that have no idea on how to drive. Anyway me and Mulder argued over whether it was an alien or Harold that probed her and the Detective barges the bleep in! And starts bleeping yelling the blank at my blanking partner. So I was pissed. No one me but me is allowed to blanking yell at him other than me, blank!
All flip back or run back in time to see Harold in a cage and he promised to not let anything happen to Christie. Of course the second the alien comes Harold cowers in the corner allowing Chrissie to be taken into the light. Harold recounts his story to Mulder and tells of an alien in the cage next to him who is smoking like a smoke stack on a mission to destroy the o-zone layer in one sitting. And then Harold tells Mulder the smoking alien kept saying "This isn’t happening, This isn’t happening," over and over till the light grabs him and he gets experimented on before being tossed aside like day old bread. And then he goes to Chrissie’s house to see if se is OK. Scully interrupts...
SCULLY: Did you have sex before or after the abduction?
MULDER: Scully! What kind of bleeping question is that?
SCULLY: Well I want all the details. This probably as close as we will ever come to having sex on this show and josh darn it I’m curious as to what really happens when people engage in sexual intercourse! So Harold spill it, before or after the abduction.
HAROLD: Before but please don’t tell her father. If he finds out... I’m a dead man!
ROB BOWAN: CUT! I thought one of the Men in Black was supposed to be Johnny Cash not...
DARRIN MORGAN: Hush Rob, the identity is suppose to be a secret that and we are still trying to get Johnny Cash signed so HE is just a stand in till then OK?
ROB BOWMAN: This bites you know! This stuff never happens when Chris is here to over see the episodes, but he is busy trying to get his *new* show ready and not paying attention to the details like he used to.
DARRIN MORGAN: Will you shut up and direct! The people Chris left in charge are more than able to pull this off.
ROB: Well Darrin I don’t think so, you’ll see this show will go down hill and become just like the rest of the shows on TV... mindless trash connected by commercials for mega bucks that we will never see because Rupart Murdock hides all the cash in Swiss bank accounts so Ted Turner can’t sue him.
DARRIN: Well that is probably the reason we ain’t signed Johnny Cash yet.
ROCKY: The big tall one, the one that looks like a professional wrestler said that if I tried to get this published I was a Dead man!
MULDER: If we need to talk to you again where can we find you?
ROCKY: Are you crazy! Not here that’s for sure! That guy was huge, I’m out of here.
MULDER: Come on Scully lets go eat and read this book, I saw a diner up the way and I have a hankering for some sweet potato pie.
SCULLY:I hate that stuff it is fatten and I’m trying to keep in shape. After all I am now considered a sex symbol, besides its late lets just go back the hotel, order some pizza and watch some TV.
JOSE CHUNG: So Mulder believed it?
SCULLY:I told you, Mulder believes in everything! Mulder's had his share of peculiar notions, he's not inclined to dismiss anything out right... He believes in Santa Claus still! It was hell this Christmas mind you!
SCULLY: Mulder you are nuts! What are you doing now!
MULDER: Making a call and finding out where our dinner is, it should have been here by now. Doesn’t Domino’s have if it ain’t there in 30mins it’s free thing?
SCULLY: No they were forced to stop that when there driver turn over/death rate got to high. Now who are you calling?
MULDER: I want to get this girl under hypnosis again.
SCULLY: Why?
MULDER: Cause I like watching people get put under its fun, I’d love to see you under go hypnosis. Might get some juicy back ground stories I can sell to the tabloids over seas.
SCULLY: HA! Fat chance! Besides that stuff doesn’t work on me remember I’m the skeptic....And I have already told all the dirt there is to tell the only thing people don’t know is my shoe size.
MULDER: Hmm, let me guess. Let me see those feet again. Damn Scully you got big feet for a short lady. My guess size 11. WHOA! I think I found BigFoot!
SCULLY: Not funny and they are not a size 11 they are a size 7. And everybody likes my feet. And how many times to I have to tell you THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BIGFOOT!
Detective: We found your bleeping alien.
We see Blain being interviewed by Chung. He tells how he was just out walking around and stumbled on this alien and then made the biggest mistake... He called the *proper* authorities. And 2 men in black appear, only one was disguised as a woman but not quite pulling it off. Blain mumbles something about the red hair and it being a bit to red and that how the other man in black was emotionless and thought to be a mandroid, until the girlie scream. The man in black that looked like a woman threatened him with "If you say anything to anyone your a dead man!"
Scully denies this and is shocked when Chung tells his story and then pops in a video.
SCULLY: Where the hell did you get this!
JOSE CHUNG: Off the internet, they were selling them at this web-site for like 50 bucks a pop.
SCULLY: I can’t believe this! These people should be shot! That looks nothing like me!
JC: Well it was filmed when you were in highschool and at least this one is in color. The other one I bought was a whimpy 5 minutes and in black and white and a silent film too.
SCULLY: And how much did these scum bags make off of films of me in college.
JC: Um, I think that one is going for 25$.
SCULLY: I can’t believe people are paying for that trash I’m so embraced. Look at that I’m barking like a dog in this one.
JG: Hmm I thought you were acting like a horse, and look at that hair... And to think I thought you really were a red-head.
SCULLY: I’m so embraced! I’m going to call my manager and have them sued.
JC: Oh I have another video I want you to look at, this is the real thing too! It is hosted by the well renown psychic Yappi! And is true....
Chung tells Scully more of Blain’s story of the men in Black and Mulder slapping him around and also threatening him. Scully then tells Chung that after Mulder slapped Blain around he was on his way back to the hotel because the pizza had finally arrived but that this is where Mulder's story gets a little odd.
Scully tells how Mulder found Jack Shaffer walking the streets, nude and mumbling to himself "This is not happening.. This is not happening.." And then being that Mulder is hungry as usual and it is aparent that this nude Air Force pilot has not eaten in days Mulder takes him for a bit to eat. The pilot tells Mulder a story that sounds like a really bad Mulderism while playing with his mash potatoes and creates a really nice mountain too, while he smokes. Then some men come in and Jack says "Well looks like a dead man," before he is hauled off.
Chung tells Scully that, that is odd because while doing research for this book he ate at that diner and became great friends with the cook and he only remember Mulder coming in and eating a whole sweet potato pie while we asked some really dumb questions....Scully ponders "Hmm, maybe that is why Mulder didn’t eat his pizza and then got sick after the Men and Black left my room that night..." She continues to tell Chung of the events Mulder told her about when she woke up the next morning to find Mulder in her room...
SCULLY: I don’t remember letting you in!
MULDER: I told you... You didn’t let me in I sleep here.
SCULLY: That is not true, if Chris Carter finds out, he is going to be steamed. It’s in our contract we are not allowed to sleep together!
MULDER: Nothing happened don’t you remember.
SCULLY: NO! So tell me what happen.
MULDER: Well I came here but you weren’t in and there were 2 men in black going through your stuff the big tall one was looking in your under wear draw and was trying on some of those black silk panties you have but never wear... but they were to small the other one though was wearing your shoes cause they fit him.
SCULLY: That is where my extra pair of shoes went! I have been looking for them. And Rob Bowman was really made when he saw I was wearing these combat boots. I tried to explain that my pumps were missing and that I thought you had them because you were having flashbacks to your "Twin Peak" days but he didn’t buy it. I told him I had proof because the black laced silk panties were not in the same place...
MULDER: Well I told them to leave my partners underwear alone then asked where you were. The big tall one with the underwear on his head said you went out for ice. And that I believed because I know you never get sex and often chew ice to quench your sexual frustration. And then you came back with a bucket of ice and told me that these gentlemen had something important to tell me... You mean you really don’t remember?
SCULLY: NO! Now please finish.
MULDER: Well they went on to explain things... and you know what? Now I know who that other man in black reminded me of. He one that was wearing your shoes... I swear he looked like Alex Trebeck.
SCULLY: That is the most ridicules thing I have ever heard! You are just still miffed that you blew it on Jeopardy and that Stephan King might be writing next years season cliffhanger and not you!
MULDER: NO! I know what I saw it was Alex Trebeck.
SCULLY: Scully. Uh, huh...
MULDER: Who was that?
SCULLY: That was detective Manners... They found your bleeping UFO!
Scully tells Chung, "I know it probably doesn't have the sense of closure that you want, but it has more than some of our other cases." Chung thanks her for her time and leaves without giving her his autograph!
Later we see Chung hammering away at the typewriter... He is using a typewriter, nobody uses those anymore! Every good writer now uses little laptops! Anyway Chung hears a noise and sees a tall lanky figure outside in the hall way and reaches for his gun. Only to find out it is Mulder. And Chung questions him. Mulder being Mulder goes into a Mulderism and proceeds to give his theory on military, industrial, entertainment complex. And begs Chung not to write this book. Chung refuses because he stands to make a killing from the rights to the screen play alone. Chung then asks Mulder if he really knows what happened to those 2 teenagers. And Mulder replies with "How the hell should I know!"
Closing scene -
We get a voice over with Chung warping things all nice and neat... Gee this ain’t right! This is an X-File and there is never supposed to be closure. Chung tells how the characters in his book end...
Blain got a job! And gave up Dungeons and Dragons because Rocky was so far behind that Blain has to now work over time as the new power repair man...
Rocky meets up with Shrily McClean and now is a psychic New Age preacher and makes ends meet by selling healing crystals to the dumb unknowing pubic that are looking for quick fixes to all that ails them...
Scully gets her autographed copy of "From Outer Space," and reads only to find she made the book as Diana Lesky a person of noble of spirit and pure of heart who as a perfunctory 9 to 5 Alien hunter... she is nevertheless a federal employee...
Mulder as it turns out is described by Chung as Renard Muldrake, the ticking time bomb of insanity, while he is in bed watching his prized BigFoot video...
We find out that Chrissie now works for Amnesty International and also became an internet guru, while giving up all hope on men!
Harold is left to wonder well he ever get sex again... And who can blame him... After his first time with Chrissie and all the trouble it caused with the aliens and all.... Chung leaves us to ponder, are we really alone....
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