Ghost In The Machine Nothingess Review

12/30/96
GHOST IN THE MACHINE
'A Nothingness Review... Ghost in the Machine'
by C.Schmidt ®

Disclaimer: Um... I don't own this, and after you read it you will see why I quickly deny everything and promptly give all rights back to the original creators, um... what's their names... Oh yeah, Chris Carter created it, I stole and changed it. FOX aired it, we taped and shamelessly distribute it, and I don't know what the hell 1013 does with it, but we do see that name written at the end so they must have done something. There so please don't sue or shut down my web-site.

Pre-Opening Scene.....
Some rich expensive home on the west side of Vancouver Canada, Dec. 23, 1996...

DAVID: What ya doing Gilly?

GILLIAN: Well packing, my agent is making me fly to the UK to give out some alien abduction insurance to this fool.

DAVID: Really? What an idiot, doesn't this dunce watch the show? No insurance will save his butt. If the Japs want him on that train then by God he will be there and not be able to prove it was aliens that took him therefore, no insurance pay off.

GILLIAN: Well I know that, but I'm getting a nice Hefty amount to give him this dumb policy. And I like the UK so I'll make it into a mini-vacation. Actually there are some old school chums I'd like to pay a visit too.

DAVID: Yeah, I thought you hated all the kids you grew up with over there, or was it... They hated you because you were a bully?

GILLIAN: I didn't say it was gonna be a friendly meeting. And yeah they claim I was a bully back then so I'm gonna go and have a little chat with some of them. And kindly remind them that I have more money then they do and can hire rich "I'll do anything to make your life a living hell," lawyer type. I'd ask Oakes but he is rather busy at the moment shutting down all those web-sites. Anyway I'm gonna remind them of that little fact and that they had better keep their little whimpy mouths shut or I'll beat them up all over again. Especially that dumb blond one that was on Hard Copy the other day. She is still pissed cause I stole her boyfriend in the 1st grade. Personally, I think her husband had pictures from the FHM shoot plastered all over their bedroom.

DAVID: Ahh, so she is jealous of you them. Can't except the fact that you made it and she didn't.

GILLIAN: Yeah something like that. Anyways she is butt ugly cause her face is sort of deformed. I think that happened when I punched the shit out of her face for snitching on me. And I'll do it again if she doesn't stop telling lies about me!

DAVID: Hey what’s this?

GILLIAN: Oh, its the video tape of this weeks x-file episode. I thought I'd watch it since I have yet to watch an x-files episode.

DAVID: Neither have I mind if I join you?

GILLIAN: Yeah, sure it will be fun. Hey go downstairs while I finish packing and throw some popcorn in the microwave. Make sure it is the butter kind, that cheese crap is Piper's, she like feeding it to Cleo and watching her get sick. Oh and grab some coke out of the fridge too.

DAVID: Okay, oh, what episode is this anyway. I would love to watch "The Field Where I Died."

GILLIAN: That was the dumbest one we have ever done David!

DAVID: Hey I loved that one!

GILLIAN: It sucked David! And well, to be quite honest, I would never even allow that tape to enter my house. I'd burn it first. I'd prefer to think that episode never happened!

DAVID: Well, excuse me! You never did say what episode this was.

GILLIAN: Oh, It's Ghost in the Machine. Now go make the popcorn and I'll be right down.

DAVID: Cool I like the Police. Think Chris got premission to use songs off that album?

GILLIAN: I doubt remember this was from the first season and we had no budget back then. Now hurry and start that popcorn.

David pops the popcorn, or at least watches through the little window has it pops while Gillian finishes packing..... They then gather in front of the big screen TV, with the surround sound stereo system, get comfy on the couch, prop their feet up on coffee table, crack open the cokes, make sure the popcorn close at hand and hit the play button......

DAVID: So this is what an X-Files party is like? Hey look FOX Sports is showing the Super bowl this year. I thought this was a tape! Why is there commercials.

GILLIAN: Yeah, and the first Scully episode of the season airs right afterwards. That could be my big break. Do you know how many people watch that dumb game and then afterwards they are to drunk to switch the channels. It will be my moment in the sun! Oh, it is a tape, but Chris said it had all the Fox adds on it.

DAVID: That is not fair! I need to have a little chat with Chris. How come one of my Mulder episodes didn't get that night! And Fox adds? Oh great that means we will be forced to watch the promos for that *other* show! Man he likes cramming that down our throats!

GILLIAN: Tell me about it, oh hush it's starting....

Opening Scene.....

Benjamin Drake and Brad Wilczek are in the office talking about the shutting down of the main Operating System that watches the building. Brad is pissed and leaves. Later Ben is hammering away at the keyboard - typing the shut down orders for the COS. The COS, which secretly has a brain, is watching and is not exactly very pleased about reading the death certificate being typed on Ben's laptop, and decides to take matters into its own hands. The COS promptly and efficiently devices a battle plan to assassinate Ben and destroy all the evidence.

Ben hears water dripping, "Damn hired help!" He thinks to himself, as he walks in the bathroom to shut the water off. There is water every where. Ben shuts the water off and starts to unclog the sink when the phone rings. Ben answers it but it is the ever annoying "At the tone the time is," call. All the lights go out, and Ben thinks it might not be to good an idea to stick around so he tries to leave only to find his little plastic key doesn't work - when do they ever work. So tries to open the lock the old fashion way... with a key. He puts the key in and is charred to a sizzling crisp as electrical charges zap through is body, turning him to CEO burnt toast.......

Cue Opening Theme Music -
David and Gillian watch in total disgust, but cheer for themselves as the proper names scroll across the screen...

DAVID: Whoo Whoo there's me! MULDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GILLIAN: YES!! SCULLY ROCKS!!!!!

DAVID: Hey this theme sounds.... different.

GILLIAN:It is, this is from the first season and Mark changed it a tad in the third.

DAVID: The Government Denies Knowledge? What the hell is that supposed to mean.... and what is all that goofy looking spinning stuff. And that hand with the red finger, what’s up with that?

GILLIAN: How the hell should I know? I just wish Chris would update the opening scenes. He has been showing the same stuff for 4 years now. Ugh! Look at that ugly suit I'm wearing! Who picks those things anyway?

DAVID: Trust No One.... So that’s where that saying came from. It's at the end of the opening credits.

GILLIAN: Hush the show is on again.

We see the outside of the J. Edgar Hoover Building and then skip to the inside where a geeky looking agent is walking and randomly stealing stuff of the desks of other agents.

DAVID: Hey, did you see that, what a thief.

GILLIAN: Well, if I remember right he is suppose to be a weasel.

DAVID: Hey cool, there we are! Man Scully looks so young, and I look handsome as ever.

GILLIAN: HA! Oh please with a nose like that give me a break. But I do have to admit I look pretty damn good in that color. And young Jeez.

DAVID: Stop making fun of my nose! And ya know you look a little chubby in the face there Gillian, was this taped before or after you got knocked up?

GILLIAN: Before, and shut up, it was baby fat. I was still young and innocent here. Oh look what a suck up this guy is he is buying Mulder and Scully lunch.

The dynamic duo get the low down on the case and are asked to help Jerry the old partner of Mulder's solve the case of the fired CEO. Mulder and Scully go visits the building. Mulder gives Scully some back ground info on this Jerry guy while they enter the building and are immediately spotted by the ever-roving camera eye of the HAL wanna-be computer. They get in the elevator as HAL/COS watches, and scopes Scully out. The elevator breaks like all modern things do and Mulder and Scully call for help. It was really a ploy by the COS to get Scully's phone number so he can call her later and make nice with her computer. FYI Scully's number is (202) 555-6431

DAVID: Hey, wasn't that scene on the blooper real?

GILLIAN: Nah... what is so great about me falling to me knees?

DAVID: Oh yeah it was, this is the one where the guys in the editing room got their sick pornographic minds together and edited so it looked like you...

GILLIAN: That never happened! Jerrold Freeman told me to bite your zipper with my teeth. And being the good little unknown actress at the time I listened to the directors orders.

DAVID: Yeah but then the people in the editing room got hold of that and well...

GILLIAN: Shush I can't hear what’s going on, they are giving us details on the story and I don't wanna get lost later so hush.

Mulder, Scully and the tag-a-long/suck up agent investigate the crime scene and meet the Chief of Security Claude Peterson, who claims he only works here and knows nothing. Mulder puts together a great profile of the killer only to find it missing. Scully drags Mulder to a meeting where Jerry takes center stage with the profile he stole from Mulder. Scully thinks Mulder should kick his ass for stealing the profile but Mulder still harbors some old nice warm fuzzy feelings for his down and out ex-partner an decides to let it slide, well a little bit. He does confront Jerry about it but does nothing as Scully drags Mulder away yet again. This time to visit the designer of the COS. Mulder and Scully arrive at Brad's and are invited in but told to remove their shoes.

DAVID: WOW Get a load of that house! Oh and Gillian nice feet, but man are you short!

GILLIAN: Well thanks, and there was no place for them to hide the Gillian box, with me being bare foot and all.

DAVID: Hey you got anymore popcorn, this is down to the un-popped kernels.

GILLIAN: That’s the best part. You didn't read the instructions did you now Mr. English major.

DAVID: No why? Instructions are for whimps! So you got anymore food?

GILLIAN: You didn't set the timer right and all the kernels didn't pop. What a waste of money. I am on a budget. Remember I don't make as much as you.

DAVID: Yeah so get a new agent and then re-negotiate your contract. But in the mean time is there any more food?

GILLIAN: Yeah there are some chips. Hey bring the dip too and can yeah get me another coke?

They Question Brad, then leave. Scully is at home typing the current field report shuts off the computer and goes to bed.... Commercial and an add for Millennium.

DAVID: Ooo, Scully can type real good and fast. I didn't know you could type that well Gillian.

GILLIAN: I can't its a neat little camera trick.

DAVID: Okay what is it with you and taking your shoes off in this episode. Hey look the computer came back on.

GILLIAN: I don’t know why they got me taken off my shoes. I wish they would stop that crap though. People on the net seem to think I have sexy feet now! And yeah how'd they get that computer to do that.

DAVID: Ah man not a Millennium commercial. I'll be right back where's your bathroom I think I'm going to be sick.

Scully and Mulder are working on putting the evidence together when Jerry comes in. They fill him on what they got and Scully says with some extra cash she can bribe the local judge to issue a warrant. All is agreed upon, but Jerry insists on bringing in Brad alone. Brad in the mean time is trying to get access to the COS so he too can get Scully's phone number. But the computer is smart and changes the password and Brad is forced to go do it manually. So he goes to the building and logs on and gets the access he wants. Just has he is writing Scully's number down Jerry enters the elevator and unfortunately for Jerry the COS has developed a sudden distaste for FBI agents and makes the elevator go all the way up then ..... Going down my friend? The COS Lets the elevator go, sending it crashing in a downward spiral some 15 million floors at the speed of light causing the suckup/thief of an agent to meet the pavement..... Not a pretty picture. Brad is forced to watch.

Later Mulder is re-watching the tapes of Jerry's death and Scully comes in to tell Mulder Brad confessed and is forced to listen to some of Mulder's wild thoughts which she doesn't buy.

DAVID: Ooo, nice outfit that Scully is wearing!

GILLIAN: Yeah I like that one I look in red. There you go again Mulder is off on one of his wild half coached ideas. Yeah right the computer killed the guy. Please!

DAVID: Yeah how come Scully never believes me? You'd think after 4 years she'd wake up and smell the coffee and realize that I'm always right.

GILLIAN: It has something to do with the way Chris writes these things I'm the skeptic and you are the believer/fool. Besides this is just a fictional TV show now one in their right mind would believe the stuff we do.

DAVID: Then explain the popularity of the show Little Miss Know It All.

GILLIAN: It has to do with junk on the drawing to a new millennium...

DAVID: I told you to not say that word around me. I hate that show.

GILLIAN: Oh, yeah sorry. Anyway only those computer and conspiracy nerds watch this show. I think the computer geeks watch for lack of a real life and well the conspiracy ones... I don't even wanna even attempt to explain. Oh look Deep Throat. I didn't know he was in this episode.

DAVID: Well it was just a scene with me and him, you are never around during those remember, Scully doesn't believe. So therefore you never get to shot a scene with Jerry.

GILLIAN: Yes I did, when they shoot him remember. Oh that’s right you got beaten to a bloody pulp in that one. And probably don't remember.

Mulder goes to see Brad in the slammer. All Brad does is bitch about the fact that he is forced to were shoes and rambles on about the computer. Mulder meets up with Scully who tells him he needs to talk so someone. Mulder agrees only Scully meant a shrink and Mulder meant Brad. Mulder some how manages to get a laptop through the security at the prison. He gets Brad to create a nice little virus and now Mulder is off to kill the big bad HAL wanna be.

GILLIAN: Oh look Scully is sleeping. God I wished they'd have a talk with the people in wardrobe. I got to get some new PJ's those do nothing for me. And I do have this new image as a sex symbol to up hold.

DAVID: Yeah I'd like to see Scully in some Frederic’s of Hollywood attire.

GILLIAN:Won't happen on this show bucko, remember Mulder and Scully never get any ass.

DAVID: That is a crying shame. Mulder must be the horniest FBI agent around.

GILLIAN; Well that would explain why they had him sleep with that vampire. But if I read the script for Never Again right I get some finally.

DAVID: No way! Chris is gonna let Scully get laid?

GILLIAN: Yeah right after the Super Bowl even. Now explain to me this. The phone rings Scully answers it and we hear the scream of the modem. It access her computer while she is on the phone getting it traced. If I remember right Scully has only one phone and she is on it getting the trace done.

DAVID: Yeah so...

GILLIAN: Well how the hell is the COS accessing Scully's commuter then?

DAVID: Good question. Not a very well written out episode is my guess. I wonder how come Chris didn't see that when it was written. Whoa look Scully not in a power suit...

GILLIAN: Or those butt ugly PJ's.

DAVID: Yeah she almost looks approachable instead of neat and miss proper.

GILLIAN: So now what have they got Mulder and Scully doing?

DAVID: Looks like they are going to break in and kill the computer.

GILLIAN: Oh, look we ruined another car.

DAVID: Yeah maybe that’s why Chris is being a cheap-skate when it comes to getting Mulder and Scully cars.

GILLIAN: Well that is dumb, it was in the script. It's not like we deliberately ran the car into a building. That is not fair I like the Bronco/Explorer type of cars. Taurus’s are for whimps!

DAVID: Hey this episode is getting suspenseful.

GILLIAN: What you call walking up 29 fleet of stairs scary. How come we didn't just use the elevator.

DAVID: Cause the HAL clone is watching them.

GILLIAN: Well the computer is still watching... see it almost made it so Mulder would become FBI toast. Finally, they cover the camera up, what took them so long.

DAVID: If I remember right that was the way it was written. And if memory also serves correct, you hated this next scene.

GILLIAN: Well don't ruin it for me. You know I don't remember diddly after we shoot these things. OH, man I remember now, I get stuck crawling through some damn elevator shaft.

DAVID: Yeah, that was great and your hair even gets messed up!

GILLIAN: That sucked, that scene wasn't even in the script they just added it for the hell of it.

DAVID: Ah, the fan there it is. Scully let go of the flash light! Now shoot the fan, come on Scully hit the box. That’s one shoot and a miss that’s 2 and a miss.

GILLIAN: Hey they cut way from the scene! How we supposed to find out if Scully makes it.

DAVID: Well there is your answer.

GILLIAN: Yes! Scully saves the day!

Scully busts in and tells the 'I don't know nothing'/defense under cover guy to drop is gun. Mulder puts the virus in the computer and HAL asks "What do you think you are doing Dave?"

The government tries to recover the dead computer but are told they have 6 hours to get it working or it off to the shedders.....

The camera scans the room. And just as the credits start to roll the on light on the COS flashes on.

DAVID:Cool they could make a second part from this.

GILLIAN:They won't this wasn't a very good episode. Hey what happened to the "Stay tuned for scenes from next weeks X-Files?"

DAVID: Dunno, maybe its a repeat they don't do that for repeats.

GILLIAN: Yes they do! They did it last week.

DAVID: You have got to be kidding me! They are showing Millennium in our slot!

GILLIAN: That bites! First it takes our Friday night spot and now they let an episode air during our new and improved higher neilson Sunday spot!

DAVID: This is not right!

GILLIAN: No it is not! We should start complaining.

DAVID: Well I doubt it will do us any good. And anyway it is getting late I need to go home and drool over my new car, dream about Willona and feed Blue. Thanks for all the food and that movie.

GILLIAN: Yeah Clyde should be home with Piper and then we got a plane to catch.

DAVID: Well if I don't see ya before the New Year have a Happy New Year.

GILLIAN: Well gee thanks David. That was sweet of you. You have a Happy New Year too. Well take anyway and with fun with your car and your dog.

THE END