Get your own Free Home PageThere are conspiracies. Conspiracies that span the Marvel Universe. Conspiracies so secret that only Stan Lee knows them. Only Stan Lee and I. But these secrets must be brought to light. And so now I share these secrets with you. Use this knowledge wisely. THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!!!
#1 The Richter/Guthrie Experiment
Their backgrounds are almost identical. Born to poor families with infinite numbers of children. Forced into their fathers' businesses. Their fathers both died when they were boys. Neither of their mothers has a name. Eventually, they both became heroes. That's right. There is a connection between Julio Esteban Richter and Samuel Guthrie. And the secret is this: They are part of a complex experiment on the part of Mr. Sinister. He hoped to see if being raised by criminals or being raised by good country people would effect the way an average mutant boy turned out. Well, folks, except for a fear of commitment and a smart mouth, I'd say Rictor turned out a lot like Sammy-boy. The real question is, now that this experiment has come to fruitation, what will Sinister do? Will he try to reclaim his two guinea pigs? Are Sam and Ric actually the sons of the people they believe are their parents? Perhaps they themselves are actually brothers. Only time will bring forth the truth.
#2 The Acorn doesn't Fall Far from the Tree.
This is not a joke. Jonothan Starsmore is the illegitimate son of Remy LeBeau. And here's how it happened:
Remy was in London visiting his secret twin brother, Pete Wisdom, when he met British policewoman Alexandra Davies. (As seen in the Gambit and Wolverine Ltd. Series, part 3) Unseen in the series, was the fact that they slept together, and concieved a child, namely our favorite Mr. Starsmore. Alexandra put him up for adoption, when he was taken in by the Starsmores.
The proof: In the Gambit and Wolverine Ltd. Series, Gambit has some really uncomfortable moments with Alexandra's parents, especially after they accusingly ask "Do you have any children, Mr. LeBeau?" He only denies this after a long, awkward pause. Then, in Generation X #7, Chamber's eyes appear black with red irises, just like everyone's favorite Cajun. Plus, they both have obnoxious accents and explosive powers. This is Gambit's real big secret, the Marauders bit was just a cover-up. Really.
#3: Are You Exodus?
Ever since Avalon blew up, Exodus has barely been seen. In fact, lately, he's disappeared altogether. So where is the Loser King, himself? Well, I discovered this while watching VH1 the other day. He has assumed the name Jimmy Ray and is passing himself off as a singer. He's recorded one song, "Are You Jimmy Ray?" It is incredibly bad, and the music video smacks of his pretentiousness. Boycott this album! Do not let Exodus gain power!
#4 Der Hochstapler
Nightcrawler isn't really German. I will swear this until the day I die. The man is NOT German. He knows German. I'll give him that. But so do I, and it doesn't make me Deutscherin. Here's my proof:
1) He knows the words "lateral sensor array" and "intergalactic transport," yet cannot grasp the subleties of "yes," "no," and "my friend."
2) He uses outdated expressions like "Ach, du lieber!" That's like going around saying "Forsooth! Verily didst thou defeat me!"
3) He has no knowledge of German expressions. He says things like "Cross your fingers," despite the fact that any German would use "Halt mir die Daumen!" or the English translation, "Hold your thumbs for me!" Besides which, I've never heard him tell anyone to have a pig. ("Schwein haben," German expression for "to be lucky") Frankly, there's a comic scene just waiting to happen.
Exactly what "Herr" Wagner is up to, I don't know. But when he reveals his true colors... well, can't say I didn't want you.
#5 ACNE!
T-Ray. Buff. Powerful. Confident. Pores like a oilwell. That's right, folks. The big guy's got pimples. His various attempts to "scratch them off" have made his back bloody and raw. That bandaid on his nose? Not a bandaid. It's the new Biore facial cleansing strip, guarenteed to remove unsightly blackheads. Unfortunately, Deadpool cruelly teased T-Ray about his epidermic eruptions, thus causing a long-standing grudge between the two. It's such a simple theory, yet explains: a) The scars on T-Ray's back, b) the bandaid, and c) why T-Ray hates 'Pool. That's all there is to it.
The Puzzle Place
A hyperactive Japanese girl who never shuts up. A mellow, well-adjusted, inner-city African American. A blond farmboy with lots of siblings. A curly-haired Jewish girl from New York, who annoys everyone. And an insecure Indian boy who loves his heritage and idolized his older brother. All these people, hanging out with each other for reasons no one can comprehend, assisted by an ultra-high-tech computer.
A bizarre amalgamation of Generation X and various members and friends of the New Mutants, you ask? NO! In fact, this is the cast list from the PBS Children's Program, the Puzzle Place. Nevertheless, the similarities are astounding. Despite the fact that they are puppets, Julie, Leon, Ben, Jody and Skye bear remarkable resemblances to Marvel's Jubilee, Synch, Cannonball, Shadowcat and Warpath. How did this happen? The answer is simple: PBS, seeing the success of cultural diversity amid Marvel's comics, stole the rights to their characters. When Marvel found out, PBS bribed them with Mr. Bean totebags and Elmo window decals. And thus, the Puzzle Place was born.
Only one problem remains: Kiki. The staticky-hair, obnoxiously-accented Mexican girl. Why is the the only original character on the Puzzle Place? Maybe she's a very feminine version of Rictor. Or perhaps, she represents a character slated to be added to the Marvel canon, but instead was sold to PBS for the pathetic price of "Yanni at the Acropolis" on tape. Perhaps, this was the very reason why Blink was killed before Generation X began. But, for now, the world may never know.
That's all I can reveal, now. If you have stumbled across one of Marvel's insidious coverups, please, LET THE TRUTH BE KNOWN!
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