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Mother in Law
When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man, "Who died?" "My Mother in law." "How?" "The dog bit her." "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."
Chinese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later he received this report: Most honorable sir: You leave the house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with ME. Fall out of tree, not see. NO FEE.
Life Savers
A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of life savers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored life savers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
Frequently Asked Questions About Men
Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by sabre toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self- sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault.
Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? We do, possession is nine tenth of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.
Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)
Why do men fear commitment?
Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.
What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.
What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.
Do all men really masturbate?
Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.
Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial co-ordinate motor co-ordination?
It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)
Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.
Why do men like younger women?
Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.
Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.
How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.
Why are men such dogs?
I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient.?
Hinge
This girl walks into a hardware store as she needs a new hinge for a door at home. As she brings it to the counter, the clerk asks, "Wanna screw for that hinge?" to which she replies, "No, but I'll suck you off for that toaster on the top shelf."
Elephant
A woman ran in the doctor's office covered in blood. The Doc asked, "What happened to you?" The woman replied, "I just got raped by an elephant." The doctor told the woman to undress so that he could examine her. After she took off her panties the doctor saw a 1 foot hole where her pussy should have been. He told the woman, "I dont know much about elephants, but I know that their dicks are only 6 inches around." The woman starting to cry said, "I know doctor, but he fingered me first."
Starter Pistol
There were two guys in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?" The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the wife have sex, she loses interest half way through. It's very frustrating." The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago." The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that." The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other guy says, "Fuck buddy! Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having sex in the 69 position. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, "So what happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock off, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"
Checking Account
"I want to open a FUCKING checking account," the man snarled. "I beg your pardon, sir?", the startled female teller replied. "Listen, DAMN IT, I said I want to open a FUCKING checking account." "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't help you if your going to talk like that." She left the window, walked over to the bank manager and whispered in his ear. The two returned and the manager asked, stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no GODDAMN problem!" the man insisted. "I just won ten million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a FUCKING checking account!" "I see sir," the manager quickly replied, "and this BITCH here is giving you a hard time, is she?"