Baron! Baron, you mustn't go...
Baron!
Who? He doesn't mean f. ive cents. I've got Byron Orlok.
- Anyone for a swim? - He won an Oscar. Who remembers?
For that money, I could get Sandra Dee.
Sam feels Pat Boone's wrong for the part.
- You want those dailies, Mr Smith? - In a minute.
- You were late. - Somebody kept me up till four.
- Anyone I know? - How did you like it?
- I liked it. - You did?
I didn't, but thanks.
Goodbye.
You smoke too much. Send that print right out.
- Byron, you see our ad in the trades? - No.
Send that print back.
This picture opens up in 100 theatres tomorrow.
- Great film. - It's all right.
Gonna clean up. Is this the new script?
Has everybody read this? Sam, this is a work of art.
- Thank you. - This is a very important film.
- I'm gonna be proud. - You writing this down?
It's a good script. Don't you think, Byron?
I'm not making any more films, Marshall.
What, Byron?
I'm retiring.
Since when? Is this a gag, Sam?
I put up front money. Monday, I sign the deal, based on having Byron Orlok.
I never signed any agreement.
You never signed on the last three. You didn't like the last film?
Sammy directed it well.
That's why I let him write this. This is a change of pace for you.
- Let me talk to Byron alone. - No scenes, Marshall.
You owe me a minute. Come on, Sam. Let me fix this up.
What's wrong? This isn't like you.
- What was that? - I don't know.
- He didn't like my script. - Stop being a paranoid.
I sent him my script yesterday. Today he retires. What should I think?
I'm sure he hasn't read it. I'm afraid it's more serious.
- What about your job? - He hasn't said a thing.
What if he goes back to England?
- Would you go with him? - Would you like me to stay?
That's up to you.
- I kept you alive. - He can fix anything.
Do you think you're bankable?
If it weren't for me, you'd only be playing in the Wax Museum.
- Call me. - There goes another ashtray.
- Michaels. - Your turn.
Run those dailies.
- You want me to fix the mess? - Get him back. Go talk to him.
- Your picture just walked out. - That's why I will.
Take five. All right, and action.
Byron. You didn't say goodbye.
Stop it. Don't be his errand boy. It nauseates me.
- I didn't come out... - You came to save your own opus.
Without you, there's no picture.
Anybody can walk through the special effects.
It's not that kind of picture. There's nobody else. The part is you.
You're sweet, but you can't understand what it feels like to be me.
I'm an antique, out of date.
What will you do? Actors don't retire. You'll blow your brains out.
- I'm an anachronism. - What does that mean?
Look around. The world belongs to the young.
Make way. Let them have it.
I'll take it. I've always wanted a gun like this. It's a beauty.
It sure is. That's Byron Orlok over there.
That's him. You see a lot of movie stars on the Strip.
- I thought he looked familiar. - You want the case?
- Might as well. - It's only money.
- Will you take a cheque? - Sure, you've been in.
- Sure, so has my dad. - You have an honest face.
- Want some ammunition? - Yeah, a couple extra clips.
I can stamp that.
- It's OK. How much altogether? - It comes to $249.60.
- Thanks a lot. - Don't forget your receipt.
- Thanks. - See ya.
I'll tell the hotel when we're checking out.
What a nice boy Sammy is. He's the only one I feel sorry about.
- He thought you didn't like his script. - I haven't read it.
I told him. I couldn't tell him why, though.
I'm too old for play-acting. It's no fun any more.
- How about a drink? - All right.
We should celebrate my freedom.
...the Real Don Steele Show! I gotta get the devil outta here!
I'll be there with you thrill-seekers in the neon jungle.
Here I come and who's gonna sock it to us?
We're gonna harken to Larkin in our quest for adventure.
Next the Kip Larkin Show on 93/KHJ "Boss Radio".
You know what the position is on your receiver.
Thrill-seekers of mine, are you ready?
Johnnie Ray, Curtis LeMay, Dicks Playa Del Rey in a one-horse open sleigh.
Dennis Day, Marvin Gaye, George Jay, Sammy Kaye, Swing 'n' Sway
with a carnation lei. If you love me, your thirst is lava, too. Can you dig it?
Here he comes! Let's take a trip along the Strip with Kip.
I'm hip, can you dig it? You'd better believe it!
He's Kip the Hip Larkin. Let's harken to Larkin...
...and let's go, go, go, go, go!
...we continue our news shortly. This week on the Saturday Night Movie
James Stewart, Lee Remick and Ben Gazzara star in Anatomy Of A Murder.
I'll do that, dear.
I feel so tired. That bazaar will be the death of me.
I'll take care of this.
I'd like to know where your husband is.
He's been late every night. That job...
- Darn! - It's all right. No harm.
Here, let me get it.
I thought I heard the car.
- Hello, girls. - I thought I heard you.
- Did you call the Irwins? - Of course. Dinner ready? I'm starving.
- Don't you want to wait for Bobby? - Isn't he home? His car's here.
- It is? Bobby, you out there? - Coming.
- We can eat right away. - That's the best news I've heard.
- Hello. - Hi, son. How's it going?
- Hi, Mom. - Sit down.
- Where have you been? - Washing my hands.
- We were worried about you. - You came in quietly.
- Been home long? - Just got in.
That looks good. I didn't have lunch today.
We thank you for the food we're about to receive. Amen.
- Working you hard? - They certainly are.
Did you order those tables for the bazaar?
Didn't I say I would, Charlotte? That bazaar is all I hear about.
Give me your plate, Bobby.
Guess who I saw coming home. Byron Orlok.
- Really? - Did he scare ya?
I was driving. He was on the sidewalk.
- To the future. - I'll drink to that. Get me a drink.
- I forgot about you. - How could you?
- Have a seat, Ed. - We had a date. Six o'clock.
- I forgot to tell you. - What's the problem?
- I want to go over tomorrow night. - Tomorrow night?
That personal appearance at the drive-in.
Everything's taken care of.
We got a disc jockey to introduce you. Kip Larkin.
I think you should meet him tomorrow at 3 o'clock.
- I'm not making that appearance. - What?
I'm not.
What do you mean? It's all set.
It's all been taken care of. The ads, everything. Byron?
What am I going to do? Would you please bring me a phone?
I don't want to get upset. I'm not going to.
Thank you.
What are you trying to do? Get me fired? You have an obligation.
I have no more obligations. It's quite relaxing.
Marshall, we've got a little problem. I'm with Byron.
He's not going to do that PA tomorrow night.
Marshall? He wants to talk to you.
He just went to the john.
No.
- He knows you're here. - I am here.
This has nothing to do with any difference between you two.
- There's a lot of innocent people. - I can't see him as public defender.
He's not buying it, Marshall.
If he's interested in the people, tell him to stop making pictures.
He doesn't care about the people.
- My interpreter. - You talk to him. I'm in the middle.
Don't call him back. Why torture yourself?
That's my job. I get paid to be a masochist.
- He's going to sue you. He'll win. - I've got a little money.
Did you know I graduated from Princeton? Summa cum laude.
I majored in English Literature.
Well, I think that I'll go and get drunk.
- So long, folks. - Goodbye, Eddie.
- Deer season opens next week. - Great.
- Can you get your wife to let you go? - Don't worry.
It would be good for us. Away from the girls. Getting flabby.
Maybe we'll ask Pete and Tim along. Four guys.
- Sounds great, sir. - We'll do it. You ready?
- Ready. - First one misses sets them up.
Dammit!
- What are you doing? - I was checking the elevation.
Accidents happen. Never point a gun at anyone.
Sorry. I wasn't thinking.
- All done? - Yes.
- What about my Chinese lesson? - I didn't think you felt like it.
- Another drink before dinner? - No thanks.
- Still sulking? - No.
You've been sulking around all evening since my scene with Ed.
- I have been upset. - You don't have to be my secretary.
- I know. - I don't want to break up a romance.
- I don't want that. - That's not why I'm upset.
I feel no remorse.
Never laying eyes on Smith and Loughlin again fills me with joy.
You can stop being my Oriental conscience.
- You are in a foul mood. - Not at all.
I'm tired of your baleful looks.
- Is that why you're picking a fight? - Look, my dear.
You have an Oxford degree, and perhaps this is unworthy of your talents.
But you are only my employee.
There's an old Chinese saying,
"With the rich and powerful, always a little patience."
Very clever of the Chinese.
I have an idea. Why don't you ask Smith for a job?
- Then you can be with Sammy. - It would be easier if I was selfish.
I couldn't be less interested.
You'd love to convince yourself everyone's betrayed you.
- No guilt and full of self-pity. - Quite a speech.
You ought to hear it in Chinese.
There are some of us who care about you.
- I can't imagine why. - I'm...
...sorry.
Come.
Good evening, Mr Orlok. Where would you like this?
Anywhere, it doesn't matter.
The dinners are in the warmer, under the table.
Thank you, sir. Goodnight. Enjoy your dinner.
They've got another one now. Are you ready? Joanie Man.
What does she do? She takes off everything but her earphones.
I have to go to work.
- Can't you get switched to the day shift? - It's only for a few more weeks.
- ... do you really? - Yeah, from Lenny's.
No, in the fourth row. I'm giving you a memory test now.
I remember the lady in green. That must be her daughter.
Because I know the lady in green...
- Don't go. - Don't be silly.
You could call them up, say you were sick. One night.
- It's not right. - Just tonight.
It's too late. They couldn't get a substitute.
The phone company's used to emergencies.
It's not an emergency. Should I wear this?
It's got a run. Oh, well.
- I want to talk to you, llene. - What about?
- I don't know what's happening to me. - Why?
- I get funny ideas. - Like what?
That I shouldn't go to work tonight? Does this run look too bad?
You don't think I can do anything.
You can do anything you want, if you put your mind to it.
That's what your mother says. How do I look?
- Bye. - Don't take my car. Take my mother's.
- Why? - I've got to change the oil.
OK. Bye.
Bobby wants me to use your car.
- Certainly. The keys are in the ignition. - Bye.
- Goodnight. Drive carefully. - Bye.
...more like the Dolly Sisters!
Now here's a thing...
- I'm bushed. - So am l.
- What do you need your car for? - What?
- I've got to check some of the hoses. - OK. Come on, Charlotte.
- I'll be right in. - Night, sir.
You look tired. Don't tinker with that car all night.
- I won't. - You like that job? They keep you late.
- It's a good job. - I spoke to your brother.
- Everyone's fine. The baby has a cold. - That's too bad.
Goodnight. Not too late, promise?
- I promise. - Good boy.
- Charlotte! - Coming.
...these worries need not be yours with the protection of Grant of Richmond,
the company that cares about you. The number's in the White Pages.
Give us a call and let us do the worrying.
That's Grant of Richmond. There's a branch near you.
- Did Mary get off all right? - Yes, sir. You wanted me?
That's right. Sit down.
I want to talk to you about a parole. It isn't as easy as it sounds.
There's 2,500 men in here and they all want me to do something.
Tea, madam?
I wish you wouldn't sneak up on me. I never see you coming or hear you.
I just look up and there you are.
Who is that tapping at my chamber door?
- Sammy, I was thinking about you. - Where's my script?
Come on in. I was watching a relic I had a hand in.
Give me my script.
- I'll give you a drink. - That's different.
The Criminal Code
Take it easy. I've had too much already.
I saw this at the Museum of Modern Art.
Smith's right. I am a museum piece.
- Howard Hawks directed this. - I know. Here.
Thanks to him, it was my first really important part.
- Have you seen Jenny? - I'm supposed to call her.
- Why didn't you? - Shh.
Well?
He really knows how to tell a story.
Indeed he does.
All the good movies have been made.
- What did you do with my script? - It's there some place.
I wrote a hell of a picture for you, for you as you really are.
A tired old man.
No. This was last week, when you still had some guts.
Took me days to convince Marshall. "A work of art."
You should have heard him when he first read it.
I don't understand it.
You sit still for three lousy, terrible scripts we did.
Finally, I come up with something good, and you quit.
- I haven't even read the thing. - Why not?
- It's hot in here. - Sorry.
I feel the cold more than I did. Open a window.
No, it's all right.
- What's it all about? - What?
Everybody's dead. I feel like a dinosaur.
I know how people think of me these days. Old-fashioned, outmoded.
Not after this picture.
You can't change a lifetime with one picture.
What have you got if you quit?
Oh, Sammy, what's the use?
Mr Boogie Man, King of Blood, they used to call me.
Marx Brothers make you laugh. Garbo makes you weep.
Orlok makes you scream.
Once I thought I'd be an actor. The films aren't bad.
I've got bad. I couldn't play a straight part decently.
- I've been doing the other thing too long. - You could.
That isn't the point. You know what they call my films? High camp.
I want to show you something. My kind of horror isn't horror.
Look at that.
No one's afraid of a monster.
The only thing you've said that's right is about this.
Which is why you oughta do my movie.
You don't play some phoney Victorian heavy.
You play a human being, and you could play the hell out of it.
If I were your age, I'd play it myself.
I'm gonna go offer it to Vincent Price.
- I'd better go home now. - You'd better stay here.
Come on. You'll be more comfortable on the couch.
- Hey! - I'm very drunk.
That's my bed.
- Good Lord. I'm as drunk as he is. - Shh.
Sorry.
- Leave the light off. - Bobby?
- Why are you still up? - Leave the light off.
- Why aren't you asleep? - Headache.
- Know what time it is? - Don't forget the hall light.
I can't see a thing.
- Why can't we turn on the light? - It hurts my eyes.
It certainly was a busy night. I'm exhausted.
Everyone was calling long-distance.
- Goodnight. - Goodnight.
- You wanna talk now? - No, you're tired.
I sure am. Aren't you going to go to sleep?
- I want to finish this cigarette. - OK.
Well, goodnight.
Goodnight, llene.
- Good morning. - Good morning, dear.
That's the grocery boy. Coming!
Morning.
What are you typing?
Aren't you gonna go to work?
Ilene! Bobby!
Have you gone mad?
I was having a nightmare. I open my eyes. I see Byron Orlok.
Very funny.
What time is it?
Noon.
- I'll get it. - No.
- Good morning, my dear. - Good morning.
Not so loud.
Suite on the Super Chiefto Chicago. Suite on the 20th Century to New York.
First class on the Queen Elizabeth.
Leave tonight at eight to catch the ship.
Suite to Chicago and New York. First class on the Queen Elizabeth.
Cancel them. I might as well make that personal appearance.
Don't say anything.
I'm still retiring. But I wanted to go home on the Queen Mary.
- What happened here? - He had a guest.
You made my headache worse. Do that lousy PA instead of my movie.
Buy off your conscience. I go to TV and you take my girl to London.
- You look worse than he does. - I feel worse.
- Go wash up. - I've gotta go home.
You're going to stay and help me with that thing tonight.
- Order breakfast, Jenny. - I couldn't eat on an empty stomach.
Hello, Eddie. I have good news. Byron's going to do the drive-in.
- Hi, Roy. - Hi.
Could I have 300 rounds of the. 30-06?
OK.
- A box of the 12 gauge. - What size?
Four buck.
Good bit of shooting. Anything else?
Nope.
- How's your dad? - He's OK.
Damn flu going around. Spent the day in bed yesterday.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Could you charge that to my dad? - I'll check.
Sign here.
- Going out with your dad again? - Yeah.
- There you go. - Thanks.
- What you hunting? - Pigs.
Good luck.
Groovy. Now, somebody announces me on the PA.
"Ladies and gents, papas and mamas."
"The winner spinning the sounds. Kip the Hip Larkin."
After you plug your show, you introduce Mr Orlok.
I am going to tell them what a big thrill this is. That's no put on.
When I was a kid, I dug your flicks four zillion times. You blew my mind.
Obviously.
- Beautiful. Is that beautiful? - Come on. Let's go on.
Direct me.
I'll try. After Mr Orlok says a few words...
I hit him with audience questions.
- Let's hear them. - Groovy.
Mr Orlok. Byron or Mr Orlok?
- It doesn't matter. - Mr Orlok.
Groovy. Got some questions from the fans.
How do you like being in motion pictures?
What's the next one?
Is Byron Orlok your real name?
This isn't very interesting.
Can't we hold up those calls?
Dig. What is your next flick gonna be?
Sammy, this is dull. Deadly dull.
It's my last appearance, and I'd like to do something...
- What are you talking about? - Why don't you tell a few stories?
- I might do that. - What's taking you so long?
You know what they're doing?
- I know a short one that might do. - Let's hear it.
What about these questions?
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
I'd like to leave you with a story to think about
as you drive home... through the darkness.
Once upon a time, many years ago...
There should be a pin spot on my face.
Once upon a time, many, many years ago,
a rich merchant in Baghdad sent his servant to the marketplace.
After a while, the servant came back, white-faced and trembling, and said,
"Master, when I was in the market, I was jostled by a woman."
"l turned to look, and I saw that it was Death that had jostled me."
"She looked at me and made a threatening gesture."
"Master, please lend me your horse,"
"that I may ride away from this city and escape my fate."
"l will ride to Samarra, and Death will not find me there."
The merchant loaned him the horse.
The servant mounted it and dug his spurs into its flank.
As fast as the horse could gallop, he rode towards Samarra.
The merchant went to the market.
He saw Death standing in the crowd and he said to her,
"Why did you make a threatening gesture to my servant?"
Death said, "l made no threatening gesture."
"That was only a start of surprise."
"l was astonished to see him here in Baghdad,"
"for I have an appointment with him tonight in Samarra."
What are you doing?
Good evening, sir.
- One, please. - All right.
- That's 1.50 and 2. - Thank you.
I did mean one thing I said last night.
I don't want you to return to London if it's going to upset any plans.
I never make plans. You know that.
About Sammy and me, it will make things go one way or the other.
Do the Chinese have a saying for that?
- Is Byron Orok here yet? - Byron Orlok.
- Orlok. - I don't know, Butch. Probably.
- Good evening. - Are the folks here?
You're the first.
It's starting!
In the name of the government of France, I order you to open the door!
Your'e wrong, young sir...
I'm sorry, sir. Surely I made enough noise to wake the dead?
The government of France? I've seen the uniforms of many in my time.
- What do you want? - Shelter, for one thing.
Permit me to introduce myself. Lieutenant André Duvalier.
Baron Victor Frederick Von Leppe. You will find shelter in the village.
Thank you, but I've had my fill of inns.
Surely you wouldn't want to inconvenience a French officer?
Come in.
What you see, Lieutenant, are the remains of a noble house.
Relics.
Ghosts of past glories.
Noble heritage is something to be proud of. We've forgotten that in France.
Yes, your name, Duvalier, your family...
My father is the Comte Duvalier.
Was, until they spilled his head in the Place de la Concorde.
Forgive me for reviving painful memories.
- You must be cold and tired. Cognac? - I'd like that. Thank you.
Sit down. Stefan!
- Yes, Baron. - Cognac for our guest.
What an ugly town this has become.
They have a lot of police out here.
Who was the young woman at the window before you came to the door?
Young woman? I'm afraid you're mistaken.
No, I'm not. I saw her.
Dark hair and eyes, about 20.
I'm quite sure you think you saw someone.
I'm in the full possession of my faculties.
Please, allow me to show you something.
Never believe everything your eyes tell you.
Is that the girl you saw?
Before you say anything else, examine the portrait.
The signature and, above all, the date.
That's 20 years ago. Incredible.
She hasn't changed a bit.
She's been dead for 20 years.
With all respect, for a ghost, she's a very active young woman.
You're speaking of my wife.
I beg your pardon.
The girl...
Lieutenant Duvalier, the only occupants of this castle are Stefan and myself.
You are the first visitor in many years.
- Good evening. - Hi folks.
It is a great honour.
Very kind. Where do you want us?
- We have a stage in front. - Let's have a drink.
Thank you, but we'll wait in the car.
When should we interrupt it?
- Do you have to interrupt the film? - We're waiting for Mr Larkin.
- Sam hasn't come yet? - No.
We'll just go up front and watch.
Go all the way up by the screen. You won't be bothered there.
Thank you.
Turn out the light!
The light.
I'll take a look.
Stay in there! Keep down!
Keep the door closed. There's somebody shooting.
Open the window.
Has anyone else, except yourself, seen her? Stefan, for instance.
You think I'm mad, don't you?
Right now, Baron, I'm not sure just what I think.
Don't forget, you saw her, too.
Strange not to hear any reactions.
Somebody's drunk.
Careful.
Roll your window down! There's a sniper!
Shooting. Somebody's shooting. A sniper.
What? I can't hear you. Turn that down. What?
There's a sniper here.
Lights off!
Those damn kids again.
Somebody's shooting in there.
Let's get out of here!
They seem to be loving it.
- What's going on? - We can't find the manager.
- What's happening? - I don't know.
- Is Mr Orlok here? - He's by the screen.
- Which side? - Right.
Thanks.
I've enough upon my conscience without the senseless murder of a young man.
How do you know what harm he plans?
- He's gone crazy! - What's going on?
- People say there's a sniper. - Tell Bill to stop the film.
Let me see who you really are!
What kind of a woman are you?
Turn out those lights!
Lights off! Why doesn't Bill...
- Bill's been shot. He's not moving. - It's true.
Turn the lights off. I'm calling the police. Get Orlok out.
My God.
It's me. Open up!
I've got one.
That man has a rifle.
My God, Jenny!
Turn this on.
There he is.
- Take care of her. - Mr Orlok!
- Jenny! - I'm all right, but Byron...
Someone's going up.
You OK?
All right?
He's clean.
Is that what I was afraid of?
Hello.
- All right. Let's go. - I hardly ever missed.
It's all over now. Stand back. Clear out. Let's go.
Byron, wait a minute!